Really funny jokes-Southern home security

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads: Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour.

P.S. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

Really funny jokes-Goat for Dinner

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner."

Clean jokes-Successful businessman

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

Doctor jokes-Animated discussion

Two Indian doctors working in an American hospital were having an animated discussion.
"I say it's spelt W-R-R-O-O-M," said one.
"No, it is W-O-O-M-B," said the other.
A nurse passing by said, "Excuse me, you are both wrong. It is spelled W-O-M-B."

"Thanks nurse," said one, "but we prefer to settle this argument ourselves. Besides, we don't think you are in a position to describe the sound of an elephant farting underwater."

Really funny jokes-Theory of Relativity

An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
"Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an hour seems like a minute."
The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"

Short funny jokes-Hijackers' demands

A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of politicians.
They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one politician every hour.

Clean jokes-Lift

Moshe was at his golf club and went into the clubhouse to see whether anyone could offer him a lift to Manhattan. His own car was in the shop being serviced.
"Sure," said Irving, "I'll give you a lift. My Rolls Royce is just outside."
As they're driving along, Moshe says, "Irving, what's that thing on the dashboard making a soft humming sound all the time?"
"That's my digital clock."
A few minutes later, Moshe asks, "And what's that thing on the dashboard moving up and down?"
"That's my tachometer," says Irving.
Then a few minutes after that, Moshe starts to ask, "What's that...."
"Hold on a minute, Moshe," says Irving, "I can see you've never been in a Rolls Royce before."
"Yes I have, but I've never been in the front seat."

Really funny jokes-Same bed

An older couple was asking for a room with a king, queen or double bed.
The clerk apologized and said that the only rooms available had twin beds.
Disappointed, the man remarked, "I don't know. We've been sharing the same bed for 44 years."
"Could you possibly put them close together?" the wife asked.
Several people nearby smiled, and someone commented, "How romantic."
Then the woman finished her request with, "Because if he snores, I want him close enough to be able to punch him."

Clean jokes-Great writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Obama jokes

In his Saturday radio address, President Barack Obama told Somali pirates he is sending Vice-President Joe Biden to meet with them aboard their dinghy to resolve the crisis.

''I will not be held hostage to a situation that was allowed to grow and fester under the previous administration. President Bush never reached out to the Somali pirate community; instead, he arrogantly dismissed them as barbarians and thieves.''

The President said the high seas entrepreneurs mistakenly targeted a U. S. Flagged vessel because of dense fog caused by global warming. He has authorized Vice-President Biden to share the Navy's ship identification technology with pirates to avoid a repeat of the incident. In addition, the President said he is prepared to meet the pirates at the White House for talks.

''I fully acknowledge that decades of American imperialism have led us to this point,'' the President continued. ''However, this all must come to an end by the Sunday morning talk shows. If that deadline passes with no resolution, I will order the American warships to withdraw, leaving Joe Biden in that lifeboat with the pirates until they come to their senses and beg to be rescued themselves. The choice is theirs.''

Short funny jokes-Ink

Why did the farmer call his pig "Ink?"
Because it was always running out of the pen.

Really funny jokes-Jewish couple

A Jewish couple won $40 million in the lottery. They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion in Sands Point, L.I., and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable. Then they decided to hire a butler. They found the perfect butler through an agency, very proper and very British, and brought him back to their home. The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room table for four, as they were inviting the Cohens to lunch.
The couple then left the house to do some shopping. When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the butler why eight when they had specifically instructed him to set the table for four.
The butler replied, "The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Blintzes and the Knishes."

Diary of a Blonde Wife

*Monday:*
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.
*Tuesday:*
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.
*Wednesday:*
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.
*Thursday:*
Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I'll try to be supportive.
*Friday:*
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did,to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.
*Saturday:*
Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it's little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work,or he wanted the chicken to dance. When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out "why me? why me ?" Hmmm....It must be his job.

Really funny jokes-A Nordakota cow

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be North Dakota for you non- Scandahoovians out there).
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if she gives milk.
When he grabs the teat and pulls... the cow farts. Ole is very surprised. He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again.
He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after
some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home.
When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.'
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat and the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, 'You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?'
Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how did you know?'
Sven says, 'My wife is from Nordakota.'