Short funny jokes-Hijackers' demands

A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of politicians.
They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one politician every hour.

Clean jokes-Lift

Moshe was at his golf club and went into the clubhouse to see whether anyone could offer him a lift to Manhattan. His own car was in the shop being serviced.
"Sure," said Irving, "I'll give you a lift. My Rolls Royce is just outside."
As they're driving along, Moshe says, "Irving, what's that thing on the dashboard making a soft humming sound all the time?"
"That's my digital clock."
A few minutes later, Moshe asks, "And what's that thing on the dashboard moving up and down?"
"That's my tachometer," says Irving.
Then a few minutes after that, Moshe starts to ask, "What's that...."
"Hold on a minute, Moshe," says Irving, "I can see you've never been in a Rolls Royce before."
"Yes I have, but I've never been in the front seat."

Really funny jokes-Same bed

An older couple was asking for a room with a king, queen or double bed.
The clerk apologized and said that the only rooms available had twin beds.
Disappointed, the man remarked, "I don't know. We've been sharing the same bed for 44 years."
"Could you possibly put them close together?" the wife asked.
Several people nearby smiled, and someone commented, "How romantic."
Then the woman finished her request with, "Because if he snores, I want him close enough to be able to punch him."

Clean jokes-Great writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Obama jokes

In his Saturday radio address, President Barack Obama told Somali pirates he is sending Vice-President Joe Biden to meet with them aboard their dinghy to resolve the crisis.

''I will not be held hostage to a situation that was allowed to grow and fester under the previous administration. President Bush never reached out to the Somali pirate community; instead, he arrogantly dismissed them as barbarians and thieves.''

The President said the high seas entrepreneurs mistakenly targeted a U. S. Flagged vessel because of dense fog caused by global warming. He has authorized Vice-President Biden to share the Navy's ship identification technology with pirates to avoid a repeat of the incident. In addition, the President said he is prepared to meet the pirates at the White House for talks.

''I fully acknowledge that decades of American imperialism have led us to this point,'' the President continued. ''However, this all must come to an end by the Sunday morning talk shows. If that deadline passes with no resolution, I will order the American warships to withdraw, leaving Joe Biden in that lifeboat with the pirates until they come to their senses and beg to be rescued themselves. The choice is theirs.''

Short funny jokes-Ink

Why did the farmer call his pig "Ink?"
Because it was always running out of the pen.

Really funny jokes-Jewish couple

A Jewish couple won $40 million in the lottery. They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion in Sands Point, L.I., and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable. Then they decided to hire a butler. They found the perfect butler through an agency, very proper and very British, and brought him back to their home. The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room table for four, as they were inviting the Cohens to lunch.
The couple then left the house to do some shopping. When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the butler why eight when they had specifically instructed him to set the table for four.
The butler replied, "The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Blintzes and the Knishes."

Diary of a Blonde Wife

*Monday:*
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.
*Tuesday:*
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.
*Wednesday:*
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.
*Thursday:*
Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I'll try to be supportive.
*Friday:*
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did,to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.
*Saturday:*
Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it's little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work,or he wanted the chicken to dance. When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out "why me? why me ?" Hmmm....It must be his job.

Really funny jokes-A Nordakota cow

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be North Dakota for you non- Scandahoovians out there).
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if she gives milk.
When he grabs the teat and pulls... the cow farts. Ole is very surprised. He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again.
He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after
some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home.
When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.'
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat and the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, 'You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?'
Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how did you know?'
Sven says, 'My wife is from Nordakota.'

Kids jokes-Jumping in beds

Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would hurt himself badly.
Several minutes passed and he was back to jumping on the beds.
Connie said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were you?"
He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying, but it's so hard to quit."

Clean jokes-Signing a cheque

Louise went into her bank to cash a cheque. She looked so hesitant that the cashier went to help her. 'Please sign the back of the cheque, 'the teller told her, 'as you'd sign a letter.'
Louise looked extremely grateful, scribbled on the cheque and passed it back to the cashier.
Signed on the back was: 'Yours affectionately, Louise.'

Really funny jokes-Husband's infidelity

"Your Honor," she told the judge, "I want a divorce. My husband has been cheating on me."
"That is a serious accusation," the judge said. "Do you have any evidence to substantiate this claim of your husband's infidelity?"
"Yes, Your Honor. Just last night I was walking down Broadway when I saw him go into a movie with another woman."
"Who was this other woman?" the judge asked.
"I don't know. I never saw her before."
"Then why didn't you follow them into the theatre and find out who she was. It may have been just a harmless coincidence. You should have gone in after them."
"I would have," she explained, "but the fellow I was with had already seen the movie."

Short funny jokes-Hearing loss

What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

Light bulb jokes-Therapists

Q: How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but first she'll have it give a detailed description of its childhood, and tell her the first thought comes to mind when it hears the words: monkeyblabingooglep lex, and antidisestablishmen tarniasm.