Really funny jokes-Two birds one cone

A couple with a mutual craving for something sweet drove to the nearest Baskin-Robbins.
Having bought ice cream cones, they returned to their car to be comfortable. As they settled back to enjoy themselves, two crows landed on the front hood and began to churp and flutter, and to peck at the windshield.
The man finally figured out what they wanted.
He opened the window and put his cone on the hood. The birds immediately settled down as they began eating it.
"You're wonderful!" said the girl, "How did you ever think of it?"
"Nothing to it. It was just a case of ... stilling two birds with one cone."

Short funny jokes-Talent

In order to get 100/100 in life, a man requires 100% talent,
Whereas a woman requires only 4% talent & the remaining is only 36-24-36.

Really funny jokes-Hiccups

While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller's window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened.
The teller took my friend's check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check.
"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.
"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5,000."
"It can't be!" he cried. "You have to be kidding!"
"Yes, I am," she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. "But you will notice that your hiccups are gone."

Really funny jokes-Bottle of Wine

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,she said:
"Good trade..."

Marriage jokes-30 DAYS

"What's the matter, you look depressed."
"I'm having trouble with my wife."
"What happened?"
"She said she wasn't going to speak to me for 30 days."
"But that ought to make you happy."
"It did, but today is the last day."

Short funny jokes-Neurotic pig

What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer?
You take me for grunted.

Really funny jokes-First meeting

Mike: Do you remember first meeting your wife?
John: Sure, I found Jill lying face down in the gutter. I lifted her to her feet and promised her that if she agreed to marry me, she would begin a new life and I'd never allow her near the gutter again.
Mike: Wow, I hope she appreciates what you did for her.
John: Not really. Jill hated to give up bowling.

Sardar jokes-Mental deficiency

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a party and his host, Banta, naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Banta asked "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?"
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'
Banta thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

Cute, Innocent, Funny & Amazing Letters to the President by Little Children

Dear President Obama,
We're almost out of ivory toothpicks and we need a new hedge maze (the old one is too easy). Please give Daddy another tax cut. Pleeeaaassseee? If you do, I'll get Yolanda to bake you some cookies. She's from Mexico but don't tell anyone 'cuz it's a big secret.
Chip, age 7

Dear President Obama,
I want a Super Soaker and Roller blades and an X-Box 360 with lots of games. Mom says I should write to Santa Claus instead, but he's just some fat Swede and you're the leader of the free world. It's no contest! Anyway, I've been pretty good this year, except for that thing with the glue gun, but that was totally not my fault. Cats just don't listen.
Sonny, age 10

Dear President Obama,
Can you really turn back time? Mommy's life partner says you want to go back to a time when radio was popular and people wore hats and there were tigers everywhere. Just be careful that you don't accidentally kill your own grandmother or grandfather, because then you wouldn't exist. It's a paradox.
Ashley, age 8

Dear President Obama,
There are too many states. I have to memorize all of them AND their stupid capitals (even Bismarck) and it's too hard! Please get rid of some of them before I fail geography. Why not start with North Dakota? It's small and cold and its state animal is a gopher. Nobody likes gophers.
Gene, age 9

Dear President Obama,
Electric cars suck. Please tell the car people to make cars that runs on tofu (YUCK!) and have built-in George Foreman grills for hamburgers (YUM!) and anti-condor catapults on the roof (COOL!). I'll vote for you forever, I promise!
Hank, age 10

Dear President Obama,
I'm hungry. Mommy lost her second job at Target and now we can't afford relish or anything. Please put food on my family! Anything you can spare would be great. God bless!
Conny, age 7

Dear President Obama,
I used to want to be a politician like you, but not anymore. Aunt Lucy says politicians eat pies stuffed with baby birds. I tried to bake a pie like that, and now I'm not allowed in the park anymore, not even just to use the swings. It's not fair!
Teddy, age 9

Dear President Obama,
Please find enclosed fifty cents. I am a lobbyist, this is a campaign contribution, and now I own you. The first thing I want you to do is pass a law against bathtime. I HATE BATHTIME! Do it before supper and there is another fifty cents in it for you.
Zack, age 8

Really funny jokes-Getting Into the Olympics

Three friends were big fans of the Olympics and were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop souvenirs and autographs.
The first said, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to work our way in."
A moment later, a burly athlete walked up to the table and stated,
"Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shot put." He opened his gym bag to display a shot put to the registration attendant.
The attendant said, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information. "
The first man got an idea. There was a construction site practically next door. Surely there would be some props they could use. They headed over to the site, slipped through the gate and had a look around.
The first man picked up a long thin board, whittled a sharp point on one end, headed back to the Olympic Village, walked up to the registration table and said, "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."
The attendant said, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and information. Good luck!"
The second man came in with a street utility manhole cover. He walked up to the registration table and stated, "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."
The attendant said, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."
They both scampered in, but suddenly realized their third was missing.
They looked around but they didn't see him. They began to worry because he was kind of a simpleton and they forgot to make sure he didn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories. Just then they saw him walking up to the registration table. In horror, they realized what he was carrying and what he was about to say. They tried to stop him but it was too late.
He proudly walked up to the table with a roll of chain link wire under his arm and stated, "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."

Short funny jokes-Half drunk

Wife: What is the meaning of coming home half drunk at this time of night?
Husband: It's not my fault - I ran out of money.

Funny farm jokes-I flattened your cat

Seems a guy was driving for hours through desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and splat... he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife came to the door, said he, "Pardon me madame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off...."
"Not so fast", says she. "How do you know it was our cat? Could you describe him? What does he look like?"
The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said "He looks like thIs" as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.
"Oh no, you horrible man", she replied. "I meant, what did he look like before you hit him?"
At that, the man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed "Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!"

Really funny jokes-Who's a nut

It was open weekend in the local 'loony bin' and one curious man was wandering around watching the inmates 'in action'. When he sees this chap painting a wall, but when he looks closer, he notices that the brush is dry. So he sidles over, looks into the tin and sees more brushes but no paint.
He said to the inmate, "When do you intend to finish"?
The inmate said, "I probably never will. The idea to brighten this place up was my own, so they wont give me money for paint. So unless I can get some from my secret hoard, I'm sunk.
"How would you have a secret hoard of cash"? Said the man.
The inmate said. "Well I lived in the local village for years and years and everyone kept telling me I was nuts, and that one day they would take me away and lock me up. Well, they wasn't going to get my money, so I regularly sneaked onto the village green in the middle of the night, stood underneath the rope swing on the big oak tree, walked 100 paces north, turned, walked 50 paces west then dug down 6 feet and stashed all my cash.
The man rushed home, got a shovel, went back to the village, paced out the instructions and started digging. After 4 hours he had nothing and was feeling knackered and wondered if he had heard the instructions right. He even dug wider on all sides of the hole. But zilch!!
The next day, hands covered in blisters he went back to see the inmate, who was still standing at the wall painting away.
The man said to the inmate, "Are you sure the cash is 100 meters north and fifty paces west?
The inmate said "Did you go looking for it?
The man looking embarrassed said, "Well yes!
The inmate said... Grab a brush!!!

Clean jokes-Dog haircut

A friend took her dog to the parlor for a haircut, and asked what it would cost.
Being told that it would cost her $50, she was outraged.
"I only pay 30 bucks for my own haircut!"
The groomer replied, "That may be true. But then you don't bite. do you?!"