Humor jokes-Breathalyzer

"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer' ?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool.
"Well, I'd have to say that it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.
"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years!"

Really funny jokes-Court sets atheist holiday

In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation of Easter and Passover holidays. He decided to contact his lawyer about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while atheists had no holiday to celebrate.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the long passionate presentation by the lawyer, the Judge banged his gavel and declared, 'Case dismissed!'
The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, 'Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah...yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!'
The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, 'Obviously your client is too confused to even know about, much less celebrate his own atheists' holiday!'
The lawyer pompously said, 'Your Honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be, your Honor?'
The judge said, "Well it comes every year on exactly the same date---April 1st! Since our calendar sets April 1st as 'April Fools Day,' consider that Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, in my opinion, if your client says there is no God, then by scripture, he is a fool, and April 1st is his holiday! Now have a good day and get out of my courtroom!!"

Clean jokes-Beautician

The woman said to her beautician as she sat down for her appointment, "When you're finished with me, will my husband think I'm beautiful?"
"Maybe," replied the beautician, "does he still drink a lot?"

Short humor jokes-Losing hair

"When you lose your hair in front, it means you're a great thinker, while if you lose it in the back, it means you're a great lover."
"Wow! I'm losing it in the front and in the back!"
"Oh, well. That just means you think you're a great lover."

Really funny jokes-Bad eyesight

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replies the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"I don't remember."

Humor jokes-Shipwrecked Mariner

The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.
When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "With the captain's compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."

Really funny jokes-A prayer in the woods

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, his lungs burned for lack of oxygen, his heart pounding so hard he felt like it would burst out of his chest.
Then suddenly, he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear Lord! Please give this bear some religion!"
The skies darkened, and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.
Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky, kneeled and said, "Thank you, Lord, for this food I'm about to receive...."

Really funny jokes-Witness insists

With Betty on the witness stand the attorney opened his questioning. "Where were you the night of August 24th?"

"Objection! Irrelevant!" Cried the other lawyer.

"Oh, that's okay," said Betty from the stand. "I don't mind answering the question."

"I object!" the lawyer said again.

"No, really," said Betty. "I'll answer."

The judge ruled, "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object."

So the attorney repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?"

"I don't know!"

Really funny jokes-First fight

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister.
"Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a terrible fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "It's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the body?"

Clean jokes-Daughter & Son

Two mothers met for coffee one morning, and the conversation naturally turned to their kids.
"Well, Martina, how are your kids?", asks Jessica.
"To tell you the truth," says Martina, "my George has married a witch! She doesn't get out of bed until 11. She's out all day spending his money on Heaven knows what, and when he gets home, exhausted, does she have a nice hot dinner for him? NO! She makes him take her out to dinner at an expensive restaurant."
"Hmmm ... and how is your daughter?", Jessica asks.
"Ah!", says Martina. "Cathy has married a saint! He brings her breakfast in bed, he gives her enough money to buy all she needs, and in the evening he takes her out to dinner at a nice, fancy restaurant."

Humor jokes-Scratch

A young bride was scouring the aisles of the supermarket. Up and down each aisle she went, then started over again. The store manager noticed this and went over to her.
"Can I help you find something, miss?" he asked.
"It's Mrs.!", she said proudly, "I just got married."
"Congratulations, " said the manager. "What can I help you find?"
"Scratch," she replied.
"Scratch?" he asked, "Is that a new cleanser or something?"
"No silly," she replied brightly. "My husband told me that his mother made everything from scratch, so I need to find some!"

Really funny jokes-Sea Shells

A little old lady was selling sea shells on a street corner across from the beach one day. A well-dressed man passed by her. She grabbed his arm and asked, "How about some nice seashells?"
"No, thank you," the man replied.
Suddenly, the woman clutched her throat and fell to the pavement.
"What's wrong?" asked the man.
"I think this might be it for me," the old woman whispered. "Please buy some of my seashells."
Deeply touched, the man bought all her shells. He handed her the money. A moment later, she lay down on the sidewalk and her eyes slid peacefully shut.
The next day the man was walking down the same street and once again saw the woman vending her sea shells.
He walked up to a police officer. "I thought she passed away yesterday," the man said. "I was here. I bought all her shells just before it happened!"
The officer smiled knowingly. "Ah, you were conned, my friend," he replied. "You see, she sells seashells by the seizure."

Doctor jokes-Ringing

I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears.
His advice: 'Don't answer it.'

Sardar jokes-Hand Grenade

Q. What do you do when a Sardar throws a hand grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.