Doctor jokes-On my feet

"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"And did he?"
"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."

Really funny jokes-Three Mothers

Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring.
"There never was a daughter more devoted than my Judy," said Mrs. Levine fondly. "Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach."
"That's nothing compared to what my Lois does for me," declared Mrs. Stein proudly. "Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer, two weeks in the Hamptons in my own private guest house."
Mrs. Lipkin sat back with a knowing smile. "Nobody loves her mother like my Patty does," she said. "Nobody."
"So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her.
Mrs. Lipkin answered, "Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour - just to talk about me!"

Clean jokes-Colosseum

Mr. and Mrs. McKee, vacationing in Rome, were being shown through the Colosseum.
"Now, this room," said the guide, "is where the slaves dressed to fight the lions."
"But how does one dress to fight lions?" inquired Mr. McKee.
"Very slow-w-w-w-w- w-ly," replied the guide.

Really funny jokes-Parking space

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. She was so upset that she went up to the man and said, "I was going to park there!"
The man, being a real smart alec, said, "Oh, well, that's what you can do when you're young and bright."
This made the lady even angrier, so she got in her car, backed up, pressed on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes. The young man raced back to his car and exclaimed, "What did you go and do that for?"
The little old lady replied, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich!"

Kids jokes-Dirty

A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?" Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"
"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"

Humor jokes-Whipping

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an Indian, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your Amazonian whipping?"
The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"
"I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.
"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the Indian.
He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."

Funny jokes-Burglary

Returning home from work, Jessica was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, Jessica ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

Doctor jokes-Walking

An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him.
After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time. "But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over a year!"

Really funny jokes-Prayers

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. They keep saying "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed. "But I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered!!"

Clean jokes-Funeral

It was a solemn occasion, planning Mom's funeral, and us kids were gathered around the kitchen table deciding who would preside, who would give the Eulogy and especially what music would be played.
"Mom loved the Bee Gees", said John the eldest, and the rest of us nodded our heads in agreement. Looking around at the consensus he went on "Are we all agreed then, that we'll play Bee Gees music at the funeral?"
Again, we all silently nodded our heads, except for Sis, who suddenly burst into gales of laughter. We all looked at her
in disbelief, as she'd taken Mom's death the hardest ...
"I guess we won't be playing 'Staying Alive', though, will we?" she asked ...

Humor jokes-Drunk

A drunk stumbles out of a bar and he needs to piss, so he makes his way into the cemetery behind the tavern. He walks right to the edge of a freshly dug grave, loses his balance, and falls in.
There's a puddle of water in the hole, and he spends the rest of the night yelling, "Help me, I'm cold! Someone help me, I'm cold!"
At closing time, another drunk walks behind the bar to piss, and hears the noise. He gets to the open grave, looks down and says, "Of course you're cold, you stupid, son-of-a-gun, you kicked all the dirt off yourself!"

Animal jokes - Kids jokes-Cats

A mother looked out a window and saw Johnny playing church with their three kittens. He had them lined up and was preaching to them.
His mother turned around to do some work. A while later she heard meowing and scratching on the door. She went to the window and saw Johnny baptizing the kittens. She opened the window and said, "Stop that! You'll drown those kittens."
Johnny looked at her and said with much conviction in his voice:
"They should have thought of that before they joined my church."

Humor jokes-Empty handed

A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small New England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited. One Sunday morning the woman got up early to take a long walk.
After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor. There was only one other patron in the store.
Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.
The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes.
The actor nodded graciously and the star-struck woman smiled demurely.
"Pull yourself together!", she chides herself. You're a happily married woman with three children. You're forty-five-years old, not a teenager!
The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then when she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction.
When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change - but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store?
Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something. But no ice cream cone was in sight. With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman.
His face broke into his familiar warm, friendly grin and he said to the woman, "You put it in your purse."

Really funny jokes-Walking Across Water

A rabbi, a priest and a pastor were all sitting in a boat relaxing one lazy sunny afternoon.
The pastor said to the others, "I'm going over to the shore to sit down."
So he got out of the boat, walked across the water and sat down on the shore.
The priest then said to the rabbi, "I'm going to go over there and join him." So he too walked across the water and sat next to the pastor on the shore.
The rabbi thought to himself, "If they can do it, so can I!" So he climbed out of the boat and fell in the water with a splash.
The pastor said to the priest, "Do you think we should have told him where the rocks were?"