Short humor jokes-Divorce

As a Hillbilly couple walk out of divorce court,the wife is cryin her heart out.
Her husband turns to her and says .. "Fer Pete's sake stop cryin... you're still my sister."

Really funny jokes-Advice

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The groom- to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."
His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"
"Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet and I'm afraid that my fiancee will be put off by them."
"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible and always wear socks, even to bed."
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning, my breath is truly awful."
Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
"Honey," her mother consoled, "Everyone has bad breath in the morning."
"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiancee will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed and head for the kitchen to make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."
"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.
"Not a word," her mother affirmed.
"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.
The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"

Office jokes-Verbal

"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?"
"Certainly," replied the applicant. "It means I don't get the job."

Funny jokes-Miles

Cindi tried to sell her old car, but she was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to her friend she worked with. The friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied Cindi, "if I only can sell the car."

"Okay," said the friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, Cindi made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, her friend asked Cindi, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied Cindi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

Really funny jokes-Grief

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied...
"My wife's first husband."

Humor jokes-Stuffed lion

A man was visiting his elderly neighbor and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The neighbor asked, "When did you bag him?"
The old man said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife & Mother-in-Law. "
"What's he stuffed with?" asked the neighbor.
"My 'ex'-Mother- in-Law," replied the old man.

Really funny jokes-Old Aunt Emma

A couple's happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma.
For seven long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding. Finally the old lady died.
On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife,
Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up
with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years.
His wife looked at him aghast. *My* Aunt Emma! she cried. I thought she was *your* Aunt Emma!!

Doctor jokes-Forget about Baseball

A baseball manager who had an ulcer was in his physician's office for a checkup.
"Remember," the doctor said, "don't get excited, don't get mad, and forget about baseball when you're off the field." Then he added, "By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth?"

Really funny short jokes-Wild beasts

Someone once asked his rabbi why, in our day, we pray for protection from 'wild beasts' when traveling by car? From which 'wild beasts' do we need protection?
"The other drivers," the rabbi answered.

Police Humor

So you thought police officers didn't have a sense of humor.
The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country:
#14 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
#13 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#12 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#11 "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."
#10 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
#9 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
#8 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey $#*!."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
#1 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

Clean jokes-Map reading

The young teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked Morris, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude... ?"
After a confused silence, Morris offered this as his answer....
"I guess you'd be eating alone."

Really funny jokes-Unconscious

Two men staggered into the pub, dragging their extremely pissed mate with them. When they reached the bar, they let him go and he collapsed in a drunken heap on the floor. "We'll have two beers," one of them slurred to the bartender.
"What about him?" asked the barkeep, pointing to the unconscious chap.
"No more for him - he's driving," the patron answered.

Really funny short jokes-Mozart

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony,
being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about.
It's just Mozart decomposing. "

Funny jokes-Identification

A young woman went into a bank to withdraw some money. For security purposes the cashier asked her if she could identify herself.

She opened her handbag and took out a small mirror, looked into it and said,
"Yes, it's me all right."