Really really funny jokes-Allegations of torture

T. B. Bechtel, a part-time City Councilman from Midland, TX , was asked on a local 'live' radio talk show, just what he thought of the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.
"If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's balls to a car's battery cables will save just one Texas GI's life, then I have just three things to say...."
"Red is positive, Black is negative, Make sure his balls are wet."

Really funny jokes-Bus ride

While recently riding on the bus standing up, a friend of mine grabbed onto the pole nearest her to keep herself steady while the bus traveled down the road. She soon noticed a young man, who was also hanging on to the same pole, staring at her. Although this was somewhat annoying, she decided to just look the other way.
Soon the bus came to a stop. Clearing his throat, the young man said,
"Excuse me. This is my stop."
Since she wasn't blocking his way, my friend was slightly confused.
"Well," she said, "go ahead."
"And this is my pole," the young man said.
My friend was completely perplexed until the young man added, "I just bought it at the hardware store to hold up my shower curtain.

Sardar jokes-Remarry

Santa: If I die, will you remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will you remarry?
Santa: No, I'll also stay with your sister.

Really funny jokes-Silent Fart

An old couple were sitting in church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her. She leaned across to her husband and whispered,
"I've just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
He said,"I think you should get batteries for your hearing aid."

Really funny jokes-Expensive

A professional photographer, at a friend's house for dinner, was asked to show his Portfolio forms a recent overseas trip. His friends were quite impressed "what wonderful Photos! "Said the wife" you must have a very expensive camera."
The photographer just Smiled and waited until after dinner, when he said "Thank you for the delicious meal
You must have very expensive pans!

Kids jokes-Grown ups

"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's something I can't figure out."
"What's that, Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well, according to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."
"And the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?"
"Er, right."
"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"
"What were all the grown-ups doing?"

Short funny jokes-Stare

Q: Why did Julie stare at the can of frozen orange juice?

A: Because it said "Concentrate."

Really funny jokes-A Walking Economy

This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend, "You know, Benny's a walking economy."
His friend replies, "How so?"
"His hair line is in recession, his stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting him into a deep depression."

Humor jokes-Old Farmers

Two old farmers had hauled a truck load of squirming hogs eighty miles from their west Kansas farm to the nearest market. The old truck had overheated twice; the hogs were keeping the truck rocking, even when it was stopped, and the hot summer Kansas wind was drying them out fast.

Within three miles of the market, they passed a tavern and pulled in for a couple of draft beers. The place was dimly lit and air conditioned.

After about 20 minutes, one says to the other, "It's going to be really hard to get up, but I reckon we ought to."
About that time, a quite obvious loose woman walks up to the bar, works her way in between them, and says, "You guys look about ready for action. I'll do anything you want me to do for $60."
The old farmer pulls three $20 bills out of his pocket and replies, "Here you go, Ma'am; git that load of hawgs to the Maple Street auction barn."

Really Really funny jokes-Bet with Blonde

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on..
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'
Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'
The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.' Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'
Bob replied, 'I can 't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM News and so I knew he would jump.'
The blonde replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'
Bob took the money...

Really funny jokes-Preacher's baby

There was a preacher who's wife was having a baby, so he went to his congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever a preacher's family expanded, so would his pay check.
After 6 children this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children would cost the church. Finally the preacher got up and spoke to
the crowd,
"Children are a gift from God, he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In a back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said." rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of
it, we wear rubbers, and the congregation said, "Amen"

Humor jokes-Bee inconspicuous

Two bees ran into each other. The first bee asked the other how things were going.
"Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey."
"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit."
"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and he flew away.
A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?"
"Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

Really funny jokes-Dentist's thinking

Patient: "It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone's mouth."
Dentist: "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet."

Funny jokes-Melvin's Mom

When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."

A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."

"Melvin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."