Really funny jokes-Human race

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"

The mother answered; "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made."
Two days later she asks her father the same question. The father answered; "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."
The confused girl returns to her mother and says; "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Dad says we developed from monkeys?"
The mother answers, "Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."

Funny jokes-Mistress blues

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very expensive restaurant this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," storms the wife. "I've had enough! I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a friend of theirs enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier!" says the wife.

Sardar jokes-Nobel prize

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a sardar standing in the middle of a huge field of grass.
He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that Santa is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the sardar and asks him, "Ah excuse me sir, but what are you doing?"
Santa replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

Doctor jokes-Long life

My friend Ada was slowly recovering from a heart attack. "Doctor," she pleaded with her cardiologist, "you must keep me alive for the next two years. I want to attend my first grandchild's bar mitzvah."
"We'll try," he replied compassionately.
In due course Ada gratefully attended the festive rite of passage.
Some time later she again spoke to her doctor. "My granddaughter is to be married in 18 months. Please help me to be able to attend her wedding."
"We'll do our best," he replied.
And my friend happily attended her granddaughter' s wedding.
Ten years passed. Ada visited her cardiologist regularly and followed his instructions religiously. One morning she called him. "Doctor," she began, "I'm feeling fine, but I have another request to ask of you: Remember how you saw me through to my grandson's bar mitzvah?"
"Yes."
"And later how you helped me attend my granddaughter' s wedding?"
"Yes."
"Well, as you know I've just celebrated my 80th birthday. And I just bought myself a new mattress."
"Yes?"
"It has a 20-year guarantee... "

Short funny jokes-Pregnant!

Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"

Humor jokes-First Communion

Sister Margaret had spent weeks preparing the first grade children for their first Communion, stressing the solemnity and importance of this sacrament. Much to her chagrin, during Mass on the big day, one boy in the front row was talking and giggling nonstop. Finally, unable to put up with it any longer, she whispered to the lad seated next to her, "Please go up there and tell that one he's done enough talking and had better stop, right now!"
Without question, the boy rose and walked to the front and delivered Sister Margaret's message to the surprised priest in the middle of his sermon!

Really funny jokes-Elaborate funeral

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen turned to her oldest friend.
"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"
"Two and a half carats."

Humor jokes-Don't complain

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain?" said the counselor, "You re still getting the same service!"

Funny jokes-Customer is always right!

The owner of a new departmental store called his new salesmen and told " Always remember that the customer is very important. He is the king. You have to explain patiently whatever he asks and please remember 'Whatever he says is Right'."
All the salesmen went to their allotted departments. The owner was observing them through TV. Excepting one salesman all were doing good business. He called that salesman in the evening and scolded him " I have been watching you. Though many customers came you have not been able to sell even a single item. Why"
The salesman replied, " Sir, I have been following your instructions very carefully. Whenever a customer comes, I explain him the details of the product, it's special features and clarify all his doubts. In the end they comment that the price of the product is very high. I remember your words and tell them promptly "You are Right" and they leave!"

Really funny jokes-The three sons

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Dear Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!"
"Dear Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes."
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your Mother likes.
The chicken was Dee-licious! "

Really funny jokes-Nuts!!!

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well.
As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, 'Up Nuts', and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, 'Down Nuts', and they all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, 'Cheer Nuts'.
They all broke out into applause and cheered.
When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, 'Booooo Nuts' and they all started booing and cat calling.
Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he turned, there was a riot in progress.
Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, 'What in the world happened?'
The assistant replied, 'Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, 'PEANUTS!'

Humor jokes-Letter to God

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for 2 weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God USA, they decided to send it to the President.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money; however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C. and, as usual, those jerks deducted $95.00

Short humor jokes-In bus with daddy

Little Johnny says "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
"Well, you've done the right thing," says Mommy
"But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap."

Funny jokes-Generous lawyer

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"