Humor jokes-Great truths that little children have learned

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

Really funny jokes-Five Surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in; "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shuts them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Generals are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, no spine and the head and the ass are interchangeable.

Kids jokes-Logic

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

Sardar jokes-Hanging for life

There were eleven people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane.
Ten were sardar, and one was a girl. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn’t, then the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the girl said, "I'll get off."
After a really touching speech from the girl saying she would get off, all of the sardar started Clapping.

Humor jokes-Village drugstore

The proprietor of a small village drugstore was called out one sleepy summer morning, leaving the establishment temporarily under the sole management of a very young, and very uneducated, clerk. "Just answer the phone if it rings, Jim," instructed the proprietor.
The phone rang. "Hello," said the clerk.
"Do you have streptomycin and aureomycin?" asked a voice at the other end.
The clerk scratched his head, then said, "Ma'am, when I said 'Hello' I told you everything I know!"

Kids jokes-Playing house

A little girl and a little boy were at day care. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?" He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."
"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

Lawyer jokes-Dislike lawyers

During a jury selection process, the first lawyer began his questioning as an intimidating showman.
He looked over the prospective jurors and asked, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?"
Before the pause became too long, the judge said, "I do."

Funny jokes-Hammer

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bugger!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bugger!"
The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bugger, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

Humor jokes-A pickpocket in court

A pickpocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes.
The judge said, "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100."
The lawyer stood up and said, "Thank you, your honor. My client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."

Short funny jokes-13th Floor

1st thief :Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief:But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief :Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.

Really funny jokes-Elderly lady

An elderly lady finished her shopping and, upon return to the parking lot, found four men in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, screaming at the top of her voice that she knew how to use it and that she would if required, so they should get out of the car.
The four men didn’t wait around for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady loaded her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat.
Small problem — her key wouldn’t fit the ignition. Her car, identical to the one she was in, was parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her own car and drove to the police station.
The officer to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the far end of the counter, where four men were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman.
No charges were filed.

More Lawyer jokes

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Your Honor.

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea.

Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners or an anvil.

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A: Nothing; there are some things a pig won't do.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
A: The pronunciation.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

Q: Why did God create snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.

Really funny jokes-One smart farmer

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care," said Farmer John. "Just do something about these crazy drivers!"
So the next day, the county workers erected a sign that said
SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sent out the county workers and they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
But that sped the drivers up even more!
So Farmer John kept calling, and the sheriff kept changing the signs.
Finally, Farmer John said to the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff was ready to let Farmer John do just about anything if it would get him to stop calling every day. He said, "Sure thing, put up whatever you want."
And after that, the sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, the sheriff's curiosity got the best him and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... It might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw nearly hit the floor at what he saw. There, painted neatly on a sheet of plywood was Farmer John's sign:
NUDIST COLONY: GO SLOW -- WATCH FOR CHICKS

Short funny jokes-Love

Girl : Do you love me?
Boy:Yes Dear.
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy :No, mine is undying love.