More Lawyer jokes

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Your Honor.

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea.

Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners or an anvil.

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A: Nothing; there are some things a pig won't do.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
A: The pronunciation.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

Q: Why did God create snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.

Really funny jokes-One smart farmer

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care," said Farmer John. "Just do something about these crazy drivers!"
So the next day, the county workers erected a sign that said
SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sent out the county workers and they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
But that sped the drivers up even more!
So Farmer John kept calling, and the sheriff kept changing the signs.
Finally, Farmer John said to the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff was ready to let Farmer John do just about anything if it would get him to stop calling every day. He said, "Sure thing, put up whatever you want."
And after that, the sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, the sheriff's curiosity got the best him and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... It might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw nearly hit the floor at what he saw. There, painted neatly on a sheet of plywood was Farmer John's sign:
NUDIST COLONY: GO SLOW -- WATCH FOR CHICKS

Short funny jokes-Love

Girl : Do you love me?
Boy:Yes Dear.
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy :No, mine is undying love.

Humor jokes-The talkative Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,
"New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"

Really funny jokes-Do you know the time?

Some Americans were traveling through Mexico when one of them saw a man on the ground having a siesta. "Excuse me, sir,"the American said. "Do you know the time?"
The Mexican looked at the American. The he reached over and held the donkey's balls and appeared to weigh them in his hand.
"Ten after two," he said, at last.
"My word!" said the American. He caught up to his tour group and insisted some of the others return with him. "You've never seen anything like this!" he promised.
The group went back with him. Again he asked for the time. Again the guy reached for the donkey's balls. Again, he seemed to be weighing them as he moved them to and fro. Finally, he announced, "Twenty-one minutes past two."
The others were amazed. They went on their way, but the original discoverer of the miracle time-teller remained. He leaned over, "Listen," he confided, "I'll give you twenty dollars if you show me how you do that."
The Mexican thought for a moment and then nodded. Pocketing the twenty-dollar bill, he beckoned for the American to kneel down where he was. Then he took the donkey's balls and gently moved them to the side out of the way, and said, "Do you see that clock over there?"

Short humor jokes-Choices

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband:Sure, what are my choices?
Wife :Yes and no.

Funny jokes- Humor with Waiters

Customer:Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter:Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.
~~~~~~
Customer:Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter:That' s all right sir, he won't drink much.
~~~~~~
Customer :Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter :I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.
~~~~~~
Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.

Humor jokes-Marriage Councelor

A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage counselor. The counselor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but they were adamant. "So," said the counselor, "you know the consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your property equally."
The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?"
"Yes," said the counselor. "He gets $2,000. You get $2,000."
"What about my furniture? I paid for that."
"Same thing," answered the counselor. "Your husband gets the bedroom and the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen."
There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye. "What about our three children?"
That stumped him. Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then he came up with a Solomonic answer. "Go back and live together until your fourth child is born. Then you take two children and your husband takes two."
The wife shook her head. "No, I'm sure that wouldn't work out. If I depended on him, I wouldn't have the three I got."

Clean jokes-Wife Rules!

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.
He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said,
"I do."
Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."

Short blonde jokes

A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets out his light and says, "Open wide."
"I can't" replies the blonde, "the chair's fitted with arms."

Sardar jokes - Weight loss

The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would
lose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight,
but he had a problem.

"What's the problem?" asked the doctor.

I'm 2400 kms from home.

Short sardarji joke - Accident

At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!

Sardar : Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

Humor jokes-Without glasses

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap.
I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."
"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you look pretty good, too!"

Really funny jokes-The envelopes

The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds four envelopes.
On one he finds the words "open me first," and the other three are numbered one to three.
He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: "These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second and envelope three third."
The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back and forgets about them.
Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes and is losing money fast. After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the three envelopes.
So, he opens the first one and it says: "Blame me, your predecessor for every thing."
Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved and everybody's happy.
A few months later, another strike hits.
He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads: "Blame the government for everything."
It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved.
A month later, the workers declare another strike.
The manager goes to the third envelope and it reads: "Prepare four new envelopes."