Really funny jokes-FBI test

For the final test, the FBI agent took the first male applicant to a large, metal door and handed him a gun.The agent said,

“We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!”
The man said, “You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my wife!”
The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”
The second male applicant was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the female applicant’s turn. She was given the same instructions- to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. “This gun is loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

Funny jokes-The pirate Captain

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.
"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."
"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.
"Get my brown pants."

Animal jokes-Guide Dog

A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.
A passer-by who'd seen everything remarked, "That's very tolerant of you after what he just did."
"Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the nuts."

Short humor jokes-Judge & Teacher

Q: How is a judge like an English teacher?
A: They both hand out long sentences.

Humor jokes-Good manners

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute, I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
"What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I'm sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
I would say, "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get introduced to right after the dinner."
The teacher fainted....

Really funny jokes-Temperance sermon

A minister was completing a Temperance sermon.
With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced - with a tiny smile, "For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River'

Kids jokes-cards

Little Bobby had been searching through a stationer's stock of greeting cards for some time when a clerk asked, "Just what is it you're looking for? A birthday greeting, message to a sick friend? An anniversary, or a congratulations to your mom and dad?"
Little Bobby shook his head and answered, "No. Er...got any blank report cards?"

Sardar jokes-Santa in heaven

Santa Singh died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth.
In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are there in a year?

Santa thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct.
But how did you get only 12 seconds in a year?"
Santa replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc...."
Saint Peter lets him in without another word"

Humor jokes-Bill Gates in Hell

Satan greets him: "welcome mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, i'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.
Satan takes bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To bill's delight, he sees a pc in the corner. Without hesitation, bill says "i'll take this option."
"Fine," says satan, allowing bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after bill.
As he turns around, he bumps into lucifer. "That was bill gates!" Cried lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it!"
"What about the pc?"
"It's got windows 95!" Laughed satan.
"And it's missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
"Control, alt and delete."

Really funny jokes-Maths Wiz

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job.
What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says the kid.

Funny jokes-System

A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.
A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."
The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up.

Funny jokes-Attack on Men!

* Men are like......Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
* Men are like.....Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
* Men are like.....Bank Machines.
Once they withdraw they lose interest
* Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly
* Men are like.....Cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
* Men are like.....Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your ass.
* Men are like.....Coffee
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
* Men are like.....Commercial s.
You can't believe a word they say.
* Men are like.....Computers
Hard to figure out, and never have enough memory.
* Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
* Men are like.....Lawn Mowers.
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.
* Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
* Men are like.....Laxatives.
They irritate the crap out of you.
* Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
* Men are like.....Noodles.
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
* Men are like.....Plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
* Men are like.....Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
* Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
* Men are like.....Snowstorms .
You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long he will last.
* Men are like.....Used Cars.
Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.

Sardar jokes-Santa and Banta

Santa and Banta decide to apply for jobs at a mine that had opened nearby. After sitting in the waiting room for a while, Banta gets called in for his interview.
The boss asks Banta if he had worked underground mines before? Banta says that he had.
The boss asks him how deep under ground he worked?
Banta says, "Oh, about 8 to 10 feet."
The boss says, "Mines are a lot deeper than that, get out of here - you're no miner!"
On his way out, Banta tells Santa to tell the boss that he worked real deep underground so he could get the job. Santa gets called in.
The boss asks Santa if he had worked underground mines before?
Santa says, "Oh sure."
The boss asks how deep underground he worked.
Santa says, "I used to work in a mine 20,000 feet underground. "
The boss says, "20,000 feet, Wow! That is incredible!, "What kind of lights did you use in a mine so deep underground? "
Santa says, "Oh, I didn't need a light, I worked on the day shift!"

Humor jokes-Heaven and Hell

HEAVEN IS WHEN YOU HAVE:
*AN AMERICAN SALARY*
*A BRITISH HOME*
*CHINESE FOOD*
*AN INDIAN WIFE*

HELL IS WHEN YOU HAVE:*
*AN AMERICAN WIFE*
*BRITISH FOOD*
*CHINESE HOME*
*AN INDIAN SALARY