Really funny jokes-Pregnancy Q & A and more!

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Funny jokes-God is busy

There was an atheist who enjoyed telling one and all that God does not exist.
One day he was speaking from the stage in a conference in a well reputed college attended by the Chief Guest,other vips and dignatories and the principal,professor s,lecturers, students and parents from every walk of life.
The speaker tried to emphasise in his speach that God does not exist and whatever man has achieved is because of his efforts only.In his concluding remarks he challenged "If God really exists he should be able to kick me in 2 minutes.Then I will believe in his existence",he concluded.
Irritated by the remarks,one healthy guy got up from the audience and proceeded to the stage and requested the atheist to repeat his last sentence at his own risk which the latter promptly responded. The healthy person was a footbal centre forward.He said" I am a football player and play as centre forward for my team.I have won several matches. Do you know how I kick the ball towards the Goal Post?"
Instantaneously, he kicked the atheist forcefully and was thrown out from the stage.The atheist and the entire audience and dignatories in the stage were spellbound. The Chief Guest looked at the watch. The whole episode took place in precisely 2 minutes. The gentleman finally remarked. "God is too busy, so he has deputed me to kick you in just two minutes!"
OH GOD! the atheist shouted at the top of his voice. He was no more an atheist!

Humor jokes-Grandma's boyfriend

A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, Grandma, how come you dont have a boyfriend?
Grandma replied, Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I™m really happy with the TV as my boyfriend. Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood a man.
The man said, Hello, son, is your grandma home?
The little boy replied, Yeah, but she is in the bedroom banging her boyfriend.
Grandma's minister fainted.

Short funny jokes-The neighbor's dog

Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog barking.
It had been barking for hours and hours.
Suddenly, Paddy jumps out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this," and goes downstairs.
Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"
Paddy says, "I've put their dog in our yard - now we'll see how THEY like it!"

Humor jokes-Joggers

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes.
No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window.
He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
"Yes?"
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"
The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15."
The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the
window and another jogger.
"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"8:25!"
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time
before another one disturbed him.
To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!"
Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.
"Sir? It's 8:45."

Really funny jokes - Farmer's horse

A man was driving into town, and he fell in a big ditch in the middle of the road.
A farmer came up and said, "My horse Sebastian can pull you out," the man said OK and the farmer got Sebastian.
When Sebastian was hooked up, the farmer said, "Pull Ranger! C'mon Benny! Lets go Delilah!!!!"
Then the farmer said, "Pull Sebastian, pull!"
Then the car was out of the ditch, the man said, "I have a question, why did you say the wrong name three times?"
And the farmer said, "Because Sebastian is blind, if he knew other horses weren't pulling, he wouldn't even try..."

Really funny jokes-It Could Have Been Worse

There was an old country sheriff who always said, "It could have been worse." No matter what happened, the old sheriff always had the same answer: "It could have been worse."
One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death.
When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.
"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say 'it could have been worse."
"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on."
About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies.
He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."
The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse?!?"
"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed........! "

Animal jokes-The way dogs and cats think

There is a major difference between the way a dog thinks and the way a cat thinks.
A dog says, "You feed me, shelter me, pamper me, and love me. You must be God."
A cat says, "You feed me, shelter me, pamper me, and love me. I must be God."

Humor jokes-Funny Answering Machine Messages

1) The president is not in his/her office at this time. Please leave your number, the name of the country you wish to invade and the secret password.

2) Thanks for calling the psychic hotline. I'm not in my office right now, but leave your number and what you think of when you hear the following: orange, mother, unicorn. Also, leave me a brief history of your child-hood. Thank you.

3) Hi, this is [YOUR NAME]'s refrigerator. The answering machine eloped with the tape deck so this is my job for a while. Leave a message and I'll stick it to myself so that [YOUR NAME] receives it promptly.

4) This is you know who, I'm you know where, leave your you know what, you know when.

5) Hi. Now you say something.

6) This is not the pizza place, so please do not leave an order or Luigi will come after you again.

Kids jokes-The little fireman

One day a fireman was washing his fire engine and conscious of someone behind him turned round to see a little boy with a fireman's outfit on sitting in a little cart he had painted red.
He had a rope tied round a dogs neck and a rope tied round a cats testicles.
The fireman said to the boy that his cart would go faster if he tied the rope that was round the cats testicles round the cats neck.
The little boy thought for a moment and told the fireman the cart would go faster but then he wouldn't have a siren.

Funny jokes-High expectations ! ! !

It was professor smith's first day at st. Johns medical college as a faculty. Known for his teaching excellence, he made his entry into a classroom of 1st year medical students, where he received a warm welcome from the students, followed by their intro. To start with, he planned to put forth a question to the class. He said,
"Well students, before we start off with today's lecture, let me ask you a simple question on human anatomy".
He gazed across the classroom, spotted a female student Suzie, and said,
"Tell me Suzie, which part of the human body grows 10 times its original size when excited?"
Hearing this question, Suzie's face grew pale in embarrassment, she replied:" you should be ashamed to ask such a question to a female. I am sorry, but I can't answer your, this question".
Thwarted by the girl's reply, professor smith rolled on his sight around the classroom afresh, to find out if there was anyone else who could satisfy his query. This time he located a male student Henry, who had already raised his hand in affirmation to answer the question, and allowed the lad to go ahead.
Henry answered: "pupil of a human eye".
The professor applauded for the boy's accurate answer; then turned back to Suzie and said: "look, Suzie, I am sorry but, I must tell you a couple of things:
(1) You lack knowledge
(2) you have a dirty mind and
(3) your expectations are too high!

Humor joke - Mail

A man was in his front garden mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

Really funny jokes-The Spoon

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization. ..
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had
spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting,experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed.
I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom." "How so?" "See," he continued," by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Detective jokes-following you

"So," Jane asked the detective she had hired. "Did you trail my husband?"
"Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out- of-the-way restaurant and then to an apartment."
A big smile crossed Jane's face. "Aha! I've got him!" she said gloating, "Is there any doubt what he was doing?"
"No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "It's pretty clear that he was following you."