Really funny jokes, adult jokes, good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, very funny jokes, kids jokes, funny pictures
One day, at lunch at an elementary school, the cafeteria was serving swiss cheese. A little girl received her meal and was disgusted by it.
"Miss lunch lady," she said at the end of the line, "I don't like the holes in my cheese."
"That's okay," she said. "Just eat around them and leave them on your plate."
A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders.
He says, "What on earth is that all about?"
The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop two months ago and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm."
"Okay, but that was two months ago. Why does he still wear them?"
The farmer replied, "There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other."
One day, Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. His nephew asked him what happened.
"You know what a foreman is?" he asked. "The one who stands around and watches the other men work?"
"What's that got to do with it?" he asked.
"Well, he just got jealous of me," Uncle Joe explained. "Everyone thought I was the foreman."
A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the rabbi asked; "How come after all these years we don't see you at services any more?"
The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105, so I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much
would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know maths.
Ted: You don't know my father!
A woman is worried about an older woman, a widow, who lives in the apartment next door. She hasn't heard anything from her for a few days.
So she tells her son, "I want you to go next door and see how ol' Mrs. Pierpoint is."
A few minutes later, the boy returns.
"Well, is she all right?" the mother asks.
"She's fine, but she's annoyed with you," he says.
"At me? Whatever for?"
"Well," says her son, "Mrs. Pierpoint told me it's none of your business how old she is."
A nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after a 20 hour shift.
Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her
purse and tries to write with it.
She looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat
says, "Well, that's just great....... ..That's really great....... ...Some asshole's got my pen."
Teacher jokes
Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what
had happened in the past.
Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.
A salesman was traveling through the country side,flogging insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.
'Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it.'
The farmer was dubious.
'Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you. And get everyone in the county to buy a case. We
will make you rich'.
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake.
Back to the house went the farmer.
The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield.
Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him.
Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him. The farmer was perplexed.
'Son,' he said, 'Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?'
The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked,
'Doesn't that calf have a mother?'
Actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support Employee (CSE)
Customer Support Employee (CSE): May I help you?
Customer: Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.
CSE: What sort of trouble?
Customer: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.
CSE: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?
Customer: Nothing.
CSE: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?
Customer: How do I tell?
CSE: Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?
Customer: What's a sea-prompt?
CSE: Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?
Customer: There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.
CSE: Does your monitor have a power indicator?
Customer: What's a monitor?
CSE: It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?
Customer: I don't know.
CSE: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?
Customer: Yes, I think so.
CSE: Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Customer: I can't. It's dark out here.
CSE: Dark?
Customer: There's a power outage.
CSE: A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in with?
Customer: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.
CSE: Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.
Customer: Really? Is it that bad?
CSE: Yes, I'm afraid it is.
Customer: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?
CSE: Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."
The cat says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow.
God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"
The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"
Enjoy following four Sardar Jokes
* Sardar was walking along, when he looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird dropped a load when it was directly over him. The Sardar says, "Good thing that cows don't fly."
* Sardar is in a bar and his cellular phone rings, so he picks it up and says "Hello, how did you know I was here?"
* Why are sardar secret agents the best in the world? Because even under torture they can't remember what they have been assigned to.
* Did you hear about the sardar who signed all his checks so no one else could use them if he lost his checkbook?