Really Funny Jokes-Country club

A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard how he might go about teaching a young lady to swim.
"It takes considerable time and technique." replied the guard. "First you must take her into the water, then place one arm about her waist, hold her tightly, then take her right arm and raise it very slowly..."
"This is certainly most helpful." said the member. "I know that my sister will appreciate it."
"Your sister?" said the lifeguard. "In that case, just push her into the deep end of the pool. She'll learn in a hurry."

short humor jokes

While reading a newspaper, Morty came across an article about a beautiful actress marrying a football player who was not noted for his IQ.
"I'll never understand," he said to his wife, "Why do the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replied, "Why, thank you, dear."

Really Funny Jokes-Young marriage

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"
"Sure," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get lonely in the night."
"How about transportation? " the father asked.
"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, the man asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"

Funny jokes-Two lawyers

Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything , including their hot-blooded secretary.
One day the secretary announced she was pregnant. They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.
The day of delivery arrived. Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room. Finally one of them said, "I can't take this, I'm going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!"
The partner agreed to do that. About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.
"What happened ?" asked the waiting car occupant.
The other partner announced, "They were twins and mine died!"

Sardar jokes-forgetful

One day a sardarji was sitting in his office on The thirteenth floor building when a man came running in to his office and shouted "Santa singh your daughter Preeto just died in an accident" Sardarji was in panic. Not knowing what to do he jumped from his office window. While coming down when he was near the tenth floor he remembered he didn't have a daughter named Preeto. When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married.When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Santa Singh.

short humor jokes-the hand

Q: How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand...

Really Funny Jokes-My Doctor

Let me tell you about my doctor.
He's very good.
If you tell him you want a second opinion,
he'll go out and come in again.
~
He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years
before he realized she was Chinese.
~
Another time he gave a patient six months to live.
At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill,
so the doctor gave him another six months.
~
While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said,
"Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible."
The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."
~
Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled,
"Doctor, doctor!! -my son just swallowed a roll of film!!"
The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops."
~
One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem."
The doctor asked, "When did it start?"
The man replied, "When did what start?"
~
I remember one time I told my doctor I
had a ringing in my ears. His advice: "Don't answer it."
~
My doctor sure has his share of nut cases.
One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell."
The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Here, take these -
if they don't work, give me a ring."
~
Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards.
The doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."
~
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places,
he told me to stop going to those places.
~
You know, doctors can be so frustrating.
You wait a month and a half for an appointment,
then he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner."

sardar jokes

Santa and Banta were drawing money from ATM
SANTA : i have seen your password - it's 4 stars( ****)
BANTA : ha ha ha ha..... wrong, it's 1258

Funny jokes-The divorcee parents

DIVORCED FATHER: "Daughter, when you go back to your Mom's house tonight, give her this envelope and tell her that since you are now 18, this is the last cheque she'll ever see from me for child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face."

Later...
DAUGHTER: "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I'm now 18, this is the last child support payment he'll ever have to make to you. Now I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face."

Later...
DIVORCED MOTHER: "Next time you visit your father, tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your father...... then, stand back and watch the expression on his face!!

Really Funny Jokes-Taxi Driver

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed , lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

Really Funny Jokes-Top 10 swimming pickup lines

10."I noticed you thrashing around. Would you like to hold onto my floaties?"
9. "You do know how to inflate your raft, don't you? Just put your lips together and blow."
8. "I'm worried about you getting a sunburn. How about I cover you with my body?"
7. "Don't save me! Let me go down three times."
6. "Wanna go back to my place and do something about that shrinkage?"
5. "Come on, I'm a wealthy neglected housewife, you're a pool boy. It's practically required by law that you do me."
4. "Sorry, babe, did I make you all wet?"
3. "Now how'd you manage to fit that great big thing into that little ol' Speedo?"
2. "Wanna join the 9-foot-deep- end-of-the- pool club?"
and the Number 1 Swimming Pool Pickup Line...
1 "If everybody here accidentally drowned, the first bloated corpse I'd pull out would be yours, sweetheart."

Humor jokes-questions

A father and his small son were out walking one afternoon when the youngster asked how the electricity went through the wires stretched between the telephone poles.
"Don't know," said the father. "Never knew much about electricity. " A few blocks farther on the boy asked what caused lightning and thunder.
"To tell the truth," said the father, "I never exactly understood that myself."
The boy continued to ask questions throughout the walk, none of which the father could explain. Finally, as they were nearing home, the boy asked,
"Pop, I hope you don't mind my asking so many questions... "
"Of course not", replied the father. "How else are you going to learn?"

Really Funny Jokes-Instrument

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"
"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"
Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"
Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie."
You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the hair remover.
The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son, he replied.
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!

short humor jokes-Honesty

Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.