phone & dog

A South Carolina farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing them phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

the study

A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men. He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, where as women use 20,000 words per day.

His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
Her husband looked stunned. He said "What?"

teacher

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up?" said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet."Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

lost wife

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked,"You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.

Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

break into the house

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.

"No, no,no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I`ve been trying to do that for years!"

WC

In the days when you couldn't count on a public toilet facility, an English woman was planning a trip to India. She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster.
She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC. In England, a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for "Water Closet". She wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring of the facilities about the WC.
The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a "Wayside Chapel" near the house... ..a bathroom never entered their minds.
So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam,

I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays. As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room.
This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly. It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. We can take photos in different angle. My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost been a year since she went last, which pains her greatly.
You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time. I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.
The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all
since many feel it is long needed. I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be
seen by all.

With deepest regards,
The Schoolmaster

The Woman fainted reading the reply........and she never visited
India !!!!

9 things i hate

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time...I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No Loser, I paid Rs.125 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet? " If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

judge

A friend of mine was having a bit of marital tension in his household and was trying to figure out just what to do about it. In the course of our conversation, I happened to mention to him that: "You know, quite often God speaks to us through our wives. " My friend looked at me kind of funny and said, "Wow! I didn't know God used that kind of language! "

Sir Isaac Newton had a theory of how to get the best outcomes in a courtroom. He suggested to lawyers that they should drag their arguments into the late afternoon hours. The English judges of his day would never abandon their 4 o'clock tea time, and therefore would always bring down their hammer and enter a hasty, positive decision so they could retire to their chambers for a cup of Earl Grey. This tactic used by the British lawyers is still recalled as Newton's Law of Gavel Tea. (Guy Ben Moshe)

The Christian missionary was making his first visit to a tribe in Borneo. The missionary asked the chief, "Do you people know anything about religion?" After a pause, the chief answered, "We got a little taste of it when the last missionary was here."

Each day when I would come home from work I would drop to my knees and ask my 4 year old son if he wanted to box. I wanted him to learn how to protect himself. We would spar around for a few minutes before supper. One day my wife and I took our son to get new shoes. The shoe salesman was friendly and allowed my son to try on several pairs of shoes before we decided on a particular pair that he liked. We asked if he wanted to wear them home and he replied, "yes." The salesman, who was kneeling on the floor in front of our son, held the old shoes in his hands and asked, "do you want a box?" Our son stood up and punched him right on the nose. After grabbing our son we had to spend the next several minutes explaining why this happened. Luckily, our salesman was the father of a 4 year old.

Short SMS Jokes (Hindi)

1. SSC + HSC + BCOM + MBA = UNEMPLYOMENT

2. An Idea + An Idiot = A Dot com.

4. Sushmita Sen - 1.2 feet = Salman Khan.

5. Special Effects in Shampoo ads = Special effects in Jurassic park.

6. 4 weeks in Switzerland + London + New Zealand + Canada = a 4 minute song in Hindi movie.

7. Ajay Devgan + cosmetic surgery + acting ability + personality + own production company = Kajol

8. Rona dhona x Bewafai x Badle ki aag = Your mum’s favourite serials.

9. Amitabh Bachchan - Mrityudaata + Kaun Banega Crorepati = A SUPERSTAR.

10. Amitabh Bachchan + Jaya Bachchan - Talent = Abhishek Bachchan

11. Any actor + Any actress + many movies = David Dhawan

12. 1 smile + 32 teeth = Govinda

13. 1 person - shirt = Salman Khan

14. 1 person + straight hair + un-straight walk = Sanjay Dutt

15. 1 hand + 10 kg weight = Sunny Deol

16. One engagement + Two weddings + Three wedding songs + Four hundred Relatives + A house bigger than Buckingham Palace =

One sooraj Barjataya Film

**********

& the winner is ………

One S/W engineer + No work = Many forwards………..!!!!

Best Break-Up Letter Ever

A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his
girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is
just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since
you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry.
Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky..............

The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or
ex-girlfriends.In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all
the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:

Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.
Please take your picture from the file, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
Ricky

Review - www.darin.cc

I am a part time blogger since last few months.But I do have good web related experience.

As each blogger I was learning new thing daily , wanted 'How to' help and I am always in search
of tools and techniques to promote my blogs. So I keep on surfing and searching and I came across darin.cc blog which is mainly about Search Engine Marketing.To my great surprise he is offering to link to your blog if you review his blog and you could win a Free Nintendo Wii in the process! . That is just great !. I was excited so I asked him whether I can post three reviews on my three blogs and he replied yes ! .
I checked darin.cc site's traffic and rankings.
Alexa traffic rank is 208,326 and almost 123,123 average visitors per week !
It is also one of the top most sites on Search Engine Marketing.
As I liked the site I started reading different posts.As I use Alexa.com frequently , first I clicked on category 'Alexa' and found two interesting posts there. It was informative and useful.
During reading posts on this website I found few word are double underlined with red color.
And if mouse rolls over it , a small window was poping up with a advertisement.
This a good idea to get the advertise viewed or clicked but a disturbance to the reader.
The next post I read was 'Search Engine Marketing - Dying ?'. A good informative article.
Then I went to different category 'How to' and there went through all the four posts.
They were just superb and gave me tips and tricks.
I was reading his blog for almost 3 to 4 hours. Great work Derrick ! I wish I can make such a website/blog !

Making Money online with John chow

I am a part time blogger and have started blogging few months before.I have created two blogs so far one on humour and this one on Funny Jokes so far.
I also wanted to make money online as others.So I monetized my blogs using google adsense and other affiliate programs.During my net surfing I came across Johnchow website/blog.I stared reading and I found it so interesting and useful that continued for four hours.The articles are entertaining and informative.I feel whether you are a new or experienced blogger you must read Making money online with John Chow.
I checked its traffic ranking on alexa.com and it was 2774!. And around 2673 visitors per day!
If you review of his blog, he’ll link to it and send you a ton of traffic.

A joke

This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a
competition
Organized in Britain and this joke was sent by an Indian......

A MBA and a C.A go on a camping trip,
set up their tent, and fell asleep.

Some hours later, the C.A wakes his MBA friend. "
Look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

The MBA ponders for a minute.

" Astronomically speaking, it tells me that
there are millions of galaxies and
potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately
a quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is
all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have
a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you?"

The C.A.student is silent for a moment, then speaks.

"Practically...Someone has stolen our tent".

The drunk

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Drinks for all on me. That is including you, bartender."

The bartender follows the man's order and says, "That will be $42.50 please."

The drunk says he has no money, and the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night, the same drunk comes in and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again, the bartender follows the drunk's instructions and the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for everyone except the bartender.

The bartender says, "What… No drink for me?"

The drunk says "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."