Stalking

Robbie said to his friend, "I have reason to believe that Stacy, the girl next door is stalking me."

His friend asked him what made him think so.

Robbie replied, "She has been looking up my profile on all search engines last night. I spotted it through my binoculars."

Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

Repulsive!

Roger was discussing his wife while seated at the local pub. He said to his friends, "I am divorcing that good-for-nothing woman! Her habits are repulsive. I mean just this morning I went to take a leak in the sink and it was piled up with dirty dishes from last nite's dinner!"

Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

Which one?

Andrea was mad at her husband Phil and she screamed, "I saw you at Erning Street when I was buying stuff for the house."

She continued, "I saw you with a gorgeous blonde and you both went into the Parkside hotel. I want you to explain and I want you to be honest!"

Phil said to her, "All right, please make up your mind, which one do you want?"

Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

I got fired!

Pablo worked as a labourer at a construction site. One day he came home early from work, so his son asked him why he had returned home before his usual time.

Pablo replied, "I got fired!"

His son asked, "Why?"

Pablo said to his son, "Do you know who a supervisor is? He is the bloke who just fools around all day, watching the other guys work and doing nuthin'."

The son said, "All right, but how is that connected to your getting fired?"

Pablo replied, "The supervisor was envious of me. All of them folks thought I was the supervisor!"


Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

Unparalleled

Tina, whose popularity among the boys was unparalleled, paid a visit to Dr. Paes.

Doctor Paes told her she was pregnant. He then added, "I know you are dating several guys. Do you know who the father is?"

Tina was quick to retort, "If you gulped up a can of Bush's baked beans, would you figure out which bean is responsible for the gas?"

Dorothy's treatment

Dorothy visited a shrink and told him, "Whenever I lie down on the bed, I get this mind-numbing fear that something is below the bed."

The shrink said, "I have treated many phobias but this seems to be a unique case. But do not worry, I will help you get rid of it."

Dorothy said, "Thank you. How many sessions will it take?"

The shrink replied,"Probably 20 to 25. It will cost 75 pounds per session but by the end of it, you would be completely cured."

When Dorothy did not turn up for the first session, the shrink called her. "Why didn't you come?", he asked.

Dorothy replied, "When I informed the cost of the treatment to my husband, he found an immediate solution to save the money. He used a saw to cut the legs of the bed."

Want to marry again

Mary Jane says to her lawyer, "I wanna get married to my ex-husband. How can you help me?"

Her lawyer says, "But Mary, it was only last month that you got divorced. Don't tell me you are in love with him again!"

Mary Jane replied, "Love, my foot! He seems to be very happy after the divorce and I am not able to bear it!!"

Who wants to go to Heaven?

Father John visited a shady bar in the suburbs.

He met a drunk man and asked him, "Son, do you want to go to Heaven?"

The man replied, "Yeah Father."

Father John said, "Then leave this place now and never come back."

He asked another man who was drinking, "Son, do you want to go to Heaven?"

The man replied, "I do Father."

Father John said, "Then go away from this rotten place and take a pledge never to return."

The Father met Bubba and asked, ""Son, do you want to go to Heaven?"

Bubba replied, "No Father."

Father John, taken aback by the answer, asked, "Do you mean after your death, you have no desire to go to Heaven?"

Bubba laughed and said, "Of course, of course, but only when I die. You appeared to be on the way right now with the group you are forming."

Drunk driving

Sid and John, totally drunk at the bar, were driving home. Sid yelled, "John! Watch out for the tree. Watch out Johhnnnn!"

Crash!!Boom! Bang!!!

They hit the tree and passed out.

They found themselves in adjacent hospital beds the next morning. Sid said to John, "You are such an idiot. I shouted there was a tree ahead. Why didn't you listen to me???"

John replied, "It was YOU driving!!"

Turbulence

A Boeing plane got caught up in turbulence and the passengers were all scared. To keep the passengers calm, the pilot ordered that they all be served beverages.The first passenger said, "I would like a cola".

When the next passenger was asked what she would like, she replied in a shaky voice, "Just give me whatever the pilot is having."

Which side of the bar?

Danny, the big wrestler entered a bar and ordered his beer. He sipped from his mug, then loudly announced,  "All you people of the left side of the bar are bl**dy idiots!"

There was silence in the bar. Danny asked again ,"Does anyone have a problem with that?"

He had a few more sips. Then announced again "All you people of the right side of the bar are cowards!"

There was silence in the bar.

He looked around and said, "Does anyone have a problem with that?"

A man got up and walked towards him. Danny looked him in the eye and said, "You got a problem, dude?"

The man replied, "No problem. I'm just going to the right side of the bar."

The confession

Priest James Asher was retiring and there was a dinner hosted in his honor. Politician Ron Craig who had grown up in that locality was chosen as the chief guest who would make a speech at the occasion. Since the politician was late, Priest James Asher decided to say a few words to the gathering while they waited for the politician to arrive.

Priest James began, "I want to share something with all of you. When I came to this parish for the first time, I had a negative impression after the 1st confession that I heard. The first person who came to the confessional told me that he was a thief. He had stolen gold ornaments from several households, but was able to bribe his way through the police , to avoid being jailed. He had several affairs, visited women in the night, had maimed and killed people. He had even smuggled and traded in drugs. I was so shocked to learn that one person could be involved in so many crimes, that I feared that my time here would not be a comfortable one. But as the days and weeks passed, I learned that people in this parish were not that bad, and I would get to like them."

Just as Priest James Asher finished talking, politician Ron Craig arrived and apologized for being late.

He started his speech by saying, "I remember the first day when Priest James Asher arrived. In fact, I had the privilege of being the first one to enter his confessional."

A good speech

Lydia said to her husband, "Phil, you delivered a great speech today."

Phil said, "Well, thank you. But you know what, the audience was full of stupid morons."

Lydia asked teasingly, "No wonder you started your speech with BROTHERS AND SISTERS!"

Acquit a murderer

The DA, staring at the jury of 12 in disbelief said, "How on earth could you acquit this murderer?"

One of them answered, "Insanity."

The DA said, "All 12 of you?"

The flirting salesman

Dennis, a salesman at a clothing store, was a big flirt. He had often been warned for flirting with customers but he was not one to give up so soon.

One day, a pretty young thing came to the store and selecting a dress material, asked him, "How much for this fabric material for a new gown?"

Dennis replied, "For you, it's a kiss a meter."

The girl, shocked by this rude reply, quickly recovered and said, "Ok, I will take 12 meters then."

Dennis, not believing his good luck, quickly measured and wrapped the fabric. Then holding the parcel out to her, he looked at her with naughty eyes.

The girl, snatching the parcel from him and pointing towards an old man, said, "Grandpa here will settle the bill."

Upset boss

My boss, Mr. Somel was upset with me for coming late to work.

He shouted at me saying, "You should have been here at 9 am."

I replied, "Why? What happened at 9?"

Bus ride

When Tony entered the bus, the only vacant seat he found was between an old lady and a pretty young girl. He took the seat, and was soon nodding off. In no time, he went into a deep slumber. When he woke up with a sudden jerk of the bus, he realized his head was resting on the old lady's lap. He quickly steadied himself and said, "Dear Lord, lead me not into temptation."

Tony dozed off and again and when he woke up this time, he found that his head was resting on the lap of the pretty young girl. Smiling, he said, "Oh Lord, let thy will be done..smyle it off & hv a gr8 day!"

Too shy, Doctor

When Dorothy went for her annual check-up, the doctor asked her to undress and lie down on the examination table. Her uneasiness evident, Dorothy said to the doctor, "Doctor, I am too shy to undress in front of you."

Dr. Hanks said, "I understand. I will switch off the lights. When you are done undressing, just tell me."

After 2 minutes, Dorothy said to the doctor in the dark, "Doctor Hanks, I am done. Where should I keep my clothes?"

Dr. Hanks replied, "Just keep them over here, on top of mine."

Roma and Soma

Roma and Soma were centenarian twin sisters living in an old age home in Kolkata, India. A leading newspaper was doing an article on twin sisters above 100 years of age worldwide. Roma and Soma were contacted for an interview and a photography session.

Roma was hard of hearing, so she was a little dependent on Soma.

After the interview, the photographer told them he would be taking some snaps. 

 

Roma asked Soma, "What did he say?"

Soma replied, "He said he would take our pictures."

The photographer then said to them, "Please sit down on the couch."
 
Roma asked Soma, "What did he say?"

Soma replied, "He asked us to sit down on the couch." So they both sat down on the couch.

The photographer then said to them, "Can you both hold hands please."

Roma asked Soma, "What did he say?"

Soma replied, "He asked us to hold hands." So they held hands.

The photographer then said to them, "Please don't move, stay still. I have got to focus."

Roma asked Soma, "What did he say?"

Soma replied, "He said he has got to focus."

Roma's eyes lit up and she said, "Do you mean - both of us??"

Missing mule

Nathan lived in the country and wanted to go to town to find some work.

So one fine day, he headed for town riding his mule. When he reached, Nathan went to an eatery to catch some grub, tying his mule outside. When he came out, he found his mule was missing! He searched for his beloved mule all day but it had just vanished. He stayed in the town for a couple of days looking for his missing friend, but could not find him.

Disappointed and demoralized, he decided to return to his village. He boarded a train to go back.

He was lying down on his berth, when he could hear a couple groping and fidgeting on the berth above him. They were kissing and feeling each other. The guy said to his girlfriend in a very romantic tone, "I can see the whole wide world in your beautiful eyes."

Nathan jumped and said, "If you see the whole would, please help me find my mule!"