Doctor jokes-Hiding a $10 bill

Q. How does one hide a $10 bill from a General Surgeon?

A. One needs to hide it in the patient's bills.

Q. How does one hide a $10 bill from an Orthopedic Surgeon?
A. One needs to hide it in a textbook.

Q. How does one hide a $10 bill from a Plastic Surgeon?
A. That's a tricky one - one can't.

Doctor jokes-Before the pain

A Swede doctor gives instructions to his patient.

Doctor: “It is of vital importance that you take this particular medicine right one hour before you get your pains.”

Hilarious jokes-Tension

A man was suffering from insomnia and went to see a doctor. After a thorough checkup, the doctor declared, “The only remedy for this suffering is not to take tension with you when you go to bed.”

Patient replies, “That’s exactly what I have been telling my wife. But she is not prepared to use the guest room.”

Short funny jokes-Old and bent

Pete, an old frustrated patient, at the hospital asks the doctor, "Doc, is there anything worse than being old and bent?"

The Doctor: replies, "Of course there there is - being young and broke."

Doctor jokes-Tooth trouble

Justin : “Doctor, there was decay in my upper tooth. You said a worm was eating it away. But you have pulled out my lower tooth. Why?”

Doctor : “You are right. Actually the worm was standing on your lower tooth and doing the job. Now it has no tooth to stand on.”

Funny jokes-Bowels

Doctor lecturer to medical students: “Our body is made of three parts, one of the three being abdominal cavity. Can anyone tell me what abdominal cavity contains?”

Tom: “Yes sir, abdominal cavity contains bowels-A E I O U.”

Doctor jokes-Bird hunting

Three buddies, a General Practitioner, a physician and a Surgeon go shooting in the weekend. They see a flying bird and the General Practitioner says, "Looks like a Crane Hawk to me, but I am not sure."

The Physician says, "Well, it's wingspan seems to be that of a Crane Hawk, I am almost certain it is a Crane Hawk. But I couldn't exclude it being a Norther Goshawk.."

The Surgeon shoots the bird and waits for it to drop to the ground.

Holding the bird up, the Surgeon comments, "It was a Crane Hawk!"

Memory storage

My grandpa, 86 years of age, went to see the doctor and asked, "Is it normal at my age to have problems with short term memory storage?"

The doctor replied, "Mr. Asher, storing memory is not the problem, retrieving it is."

Really funny jokes-All in the family

Dillon called his family doctor and declared, "My son has Venereal disease! The only woman he has slept with is our house-help."

"Take it easy," the doctor said. "Bring him to me immediately and I'll take care of him."

Dillon said, "But doctor, I have been fooling around with the house-help too, and my symptoms are the same as that of my son."

"Well then, you come in with him and I'll see what I can do for the both of you," replied the doctor.

"Tell you what," Dillon went on, "I think my wife has it too."

"Goodness!" the doctor exclaimed, "That means we have all got it!"

Adult jokes-University rash

A girl goes to see Doctor Jones. The doctor examines her and notices that she has a rash on her chest. As Dr. Jones examines the rash, he notices that the rash is in the shape of an "H". To his wonder, the girl tells him, "My boyfriend goes to Harvard and he likes to wear his varsity letter sweater when we make love." He prescribes some cream and sends her on her way.

After a few days, Dr. Jones is attending to another girl with a rash on her chest; only this time it is in the shape of a "S". To his amazement, she tells him a similar story, "My boyfriend attends Stanford and he likes to wear his varsity letter sweater when we make love." He prescribes the same treatment for this girl and sends her home.

Much to his surprise, a few days later another girl goes to his office with a rash on her chest. The doctor notices that her rash is in the shape of an "M". As she begins to explain how she got the rash, he interrupts her by saying, "Let me guess. Your boyfriend goes to Missouri and he likes to wear his varsity letter sweater when you make love."

The girl grins back and replies, "No, my girlfriend goes to Wisconsin."

Bad memory

There are three old men seated inside a doctor's cabin - all suffering from bad memory.

The doctor wants to take a little test - so he asks the first old man, "Can you tell me what is four times four?"

The first man replies, "756".

The doctor can't believe this. So he moves on to the second old man asks him, "Your turn. What is four times four?"

The second man replies, "Friday".

The doctor shakes his head in disbelief and then asks the third man, "Do you think you have the answer?"

The third old man replies, "Sixteen".

"Wonderful!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"

"Easy," the third old man replies, "Just add 756 to Friday."

Short funny jokes-Liposuction

Q. What did the patient say to the irritating doctor during her Liposuction surgery?

A. Doctor, you are really beginning to get under my skin!!

Doctor jokes-Tweets

A Doctor sent a tweet to his patient saying:
‘I have your test results - you have venereal disease and need immediate treatment’

The patient tweets back:
‘Can I get a second opinion?’

The good doctor tweets:
‘Yes, your Twitter page is horrible too.’

Eye doctor

Sandra visited an Ophthalmologist for her eye check up.

The doctor asked her to read some letters with her left eye while asking her to keep the right eye covered.

Sandra was so confused on which eye was which that the frustrated eye doctor took a paper bag, made a hole in it, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.
 

He saw that Sandra had tears in her eyes.
"Hey," said the Ophthalmologist, "there's no need to get sentimental about getting glasses."

"Its not that," said Sandra, "Well, I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

Stop playing Golf

Albert: "My doctor advised me to stop playing golf".

Ron: "Why is that? Did he look at your elbows?"

Albert: "No, just my scoreboard."

Really funny jokes-Twitter addict

Twitter addict receives phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says:
“I have some good news and some bad news.”
Twitter addict:
“OK, give me the good news first.”
The doctor says:
“The good news is, you’ve got only 24 more hours to live.”
Twitter addict:
“Oh no! If that’s the good news, then what’s the bad news?”
The doctor says:
“The bad news is, Twitter is down.”

Clean jokes-Constipation problem

An old woman went to see her doctor about her constipation problem.

"It's horrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."

"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.

"Yes, doctor," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a 20 minutes in the morning and again at night."

"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"

"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."

Really funny jokes-Oysters

A woman went to see a Doctor, complaining of an upset stomach.

The Doctor asked "What did you have for dinner last night?"

"Oysters," she replied.

"Were the oysters fresh?" asked the doctor.

"How should I know?" said the lady.

"Well," asked the doctor, "couldn't you tell when you took off the shells?"

"Oh my god," gasped the lady. "Are you supposed to take off the shells?"

Clean jokes-Case like this

While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students.

“As you can see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.”

The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?”

“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp, too.”

Doctor jokes-Frustrating

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and when he examines you he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."