Seeing the doc

Alex went to see Dr. Jones and sneezed the moment he walked in the doc's cabin.

The doctor asked, "Flu?"

Alex said, "No, I took a bus."

Doctor jokes-Panic in the Operation room

Pablo asked his friend David, "I heard you escaped from the Operation room. What happened?

David replied, "You have no idea what I went through at the hospital. The nurse kept saying 'Don't be worried', 'Don't be tense', 'Don't panic', 'It will soon be over', 'It is only a small operation' and so on."

Pablo said, "She must be trying to pacify you. Why were you so scared?"

Davis replied, "I was scared....because she was speaking to the Doctor!!"

Doctor joke-Who is buying a car?

Dr. Jones had a difficult time convincing Peter that he needed to get operated for his appendix problem. Peter finally agreed and asked the doctor about the expenses involved in the operation.

Dr. Jones said, "Well, it will cost you around 10000 dollars."

Seeing the hesitation on Peter's face,  Dr. Jones said, "Listen I will make it easier for you. You can pay me an advance of 3000 dollars and give me the balance amount of 8000 dollars in small installments of 1000 dollars each month."

Peter said, "I feel like I am buying a car."

Dr. Jones nodded and said, "You are absolutely right - its not you but me who is buying a car."

Advice before the operation

Old man Juan Carlos was in the operation room, waiting for his son, a noted cardiologist, to perform a surgery on him.

Before the assistant doctor could administer anesthesia, Juan Carlos requested that he be allowed to speak to his doctor son in private. When they were alone, Juan Carlos said, "I love you, my son. Do not be nervous. You have many years of experience behind you so give it your best shot. If something goes wrong, just remember that your mom is gonna move to your place permanently to spend the rest of her life with you and your wife."

Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

Three more days

The doctor said to Santa Singh who wife has just undergone a complicated operation, "Mr. Singh, I am sorry to say your wife has only 3 more days to live."

Santa Singh replied, "Don't be sorry for me. It's a matter of only 3 more days. This time will also pass!"

Dorothy's treatment

Dorothy visited a shrink and told him, "Whenever I lie down on the bed, I get this mind-numbing fear that something is below the bed."

The shrink said, "I have treated many phobias but this seems to be a unique case. But do not worry, I will help you get rid of it."

Dorothy said, "Thank you. How many sessions will it take?"

The shrink replied,"Probably 20 to 25. It will cost 75 pounds per session but by the end of it, you would be completely cured."

When Dorothy did not turn up for the first session, the shrink called her. "Why didn't you come?", he asked.

Dorothy replied, "When I informed the cost of the treatment to my husband, he found an immediate solution to save the money. He used a saw to cut the legs of the bed."

Flu

Nick, who was unwell for the entire week, called the doctor to visit him at his home.

The doctor arrived and examined Nick. When the doctor was writing his diagnosis & prescription on his notepad, Nick asked him, "Flu?"

The doctor replied, "No, I drove my car."

Cool junior doc

When Tracy went to see the doctor, she had no idea that she would be in for a big surprise. Dr. Jenkins was out, so a junior doctor examined her. Five minutes into the examination hall, and the junior doctor declared that Tracy was pregnant.

She was so shocked, she ran out of the examination hall.

Just then Dr. Jenkins entered the clinic, and saw Tracy in a hysterical condition.

When Tracy told him what happened, he asked her to sit down and relax.

Dr. Jenkins then marched to the examination room and asked the junior doctor, "Are you out of your mind? Don't you know Tracy is 61 years old, she has two grown-up children and several grand-children.Why did you tell her she's pregnant?"

The junior doctor, who was scribbling something on a notepad, continued to write and answered, "She doesn't have hiccups anymore, does she?"

Breaking the news

Doctor Ludwig called his patient Thomas and said, "I need to share two things with you. I am afraid the first bit of information is not good news. I will find it even harder to break the next bit of information to you."

Thomas braced himself and said to the doctor, "Okay, tell me, how bad is it?"

Doctor Ludwig said, "You have less than 48 hours to live."

Thomas exclaimed, "What??!! I can't believe this! What could we worse than this?"

Doctor Ludwig sighed and said, "I was unable to get through your phone since day before."

I am a duck!

Mr. Pereira went to see a shrink about his son's problem.

He said to the shrink, "I am very anxious about my son's condition. He thinks he is a duck."

The shrink asked him, "Since when has he been displaying such behavior?"

Mr. Pereira replied, "Almost 6 months I guess."

The shrink exclaimed, "My god, why didn't you see me earlier about this problem?"

Mr. Pereira replied, "I am ashamed to say this. But we needed the eggs."

A strange request

Dr. Robbins, the dentist made a strange request to his patient, Jack. He said, "Jack, please scream at the top of your lungs!"

Jack, surprised by the request, said, "But why Dr. Robbins? There's hardly any pain this time."

Dr. Robbins pleaded, "Please! You must understand. The waiting room is full of people. I have promised my wife that I will take her out for the new James Bond movie. Can't miss it or she will be very upset!"

The problem with Albert Jackson

A pompous and self-righteous bachelor called Albert Jackson who was a regular irritant to his family and friends, went to see a doctor. He said to Dr. Wells, "Hey doc, I am feeling miserable. I want you to examine me and give me a diagnosis of the problem."

Dr. Wells cleared his throat and asked, "I will ask some quick questions. Are you hooked on to alcohol?"

Albert replied, "No. Never. Not even in my dreams."

Dr. Wells asked, "Do you smoke?"

Albert replied, "No. I understand the perils of smoking. Never even touched a cigarette."

Dr. Wells asked, "How is your sex life? Do you indulge too much?"

Albert replied, "It's a complete no-no. It is a sin. I completely refrain."

Dr. Wells stared at Albert for a long time, then said, "Do you get headaches?"

Albert replied quickly, "Yes, yes, there is always pain in my head."

Dr. Wells sighed and said, "I know your problem. Your halo is gripping your head too tight."

Painted seat

Dan was unemployed, so he would run errands and look after the house while his wife, Donna worked.

One way, Dan was doing all sorts of repairs in the bathroom, when he decided to paint the toilet seat. Donna came home early that day and wanted to use the washroom.Dan did not remember to warn her about the paint. The moment she sat on the seat, is was pasted to her behind. Try as she may, she could not get it off. Dan tried too but to no avail. Finally, they had no choice but to take her to a doctor.

She draped herself in a large coat to hide the seat. At the doctor's clinic, Dan lifted the coat to show the doctor what had happened and said, "I bet you have never seen something like this before."

"I have" replied the doctor, "but never in a casing."

About time!

Old Mr. McPherson felt the need to be with a woman again. His wife had died 10 years back and he would feel very lonely at times. So he decides to have a good time before he dies of old age. He gets dressed in his best jacket and heads to the town bar. He finds a pretty young thing whom he wines and dines. They end up at her place and have an action-packed night.

After 10 days, he finds a discharge from his manhood. He rushes to the doctor to find out what it is. The doc examines him and asks him about any adventures that he had in the past couple of weeks. Old McPherson tells the doc about his night out.

The doc asks him, "Do you remember her name?"

"Yup" replies old McPherson.

The doc then asked, "Do you remember where she lives?"

"Yup" replies old McPherson.

"Okay then", said the doc, "My advice is...run back to her...I have reason to believe you are about to come."

A matter of trust

Doctor Duckback said to his patient, "Please lie down Lucy, I need to examine you."

Lucy said to the doctor, "All right doc, but call the nurse in."

Doctor Duckback, feeling offended, said, "Don't you trust me Lucy?"

Lucy replied, "I do, doc, but that husband of mine waiting outside, doesn't trust me."

Bubba's call

Bubba calls Dr. Sobers in the middle of the night and says, "Dr. Sobers, the missus is experiencing severe pain in the stomach. Think it's her appendix."

Doctor Sobers, obviously upset for being disturbed at 1 am, growls, "What the hell are you talking? I removed your wife's appendix just a year back! Get off the phone

and let me sleep!"

After about 10 minutes, Bubba calls again and says, "Dr Sobers, I am mighty sure it's her appendix."

Dr. Sobers yells, "Good lord, have I not told you already I removed her appendix. Do you know of anyone having a second appendix?"

Bubba replies, "No. I have not. But I can bet you know of someone having a second wife!!"

A score above 100%

Dr. Jones had served many years as an Obstetrician/gynecologist, but he felt he had reached a saturation point. His mind was no longer in his job. He wanted to do something else for the rest of his life. Dr. Jones had a fascination for mechanical things and remembered he enjoyed automotive training in school and, therefore decided to go in for a career change and to become an auto mechanic. He enrolled at an automotive school.

He completed the course and was required to appear for the final exams. The physical exam consisted of taking a car engine apart and then putting it back together. Dr. Jones completed his project and was amazed to receive a grade of 125%. Dr. Jones asked the examiner how could he score a 125%.

"Well," answered the examiner, "I granted you 50% for taking the engine apart, 50% for putting it back together and another 25% for doing everything through the muffler"!

Heart

My family doctor, Dr. Desai is an orthopedic surgeon by profession.
He calls the heart - a soft tissue organ for pumping cefuroxime around the body.

Short funny jokes-Returned

Dr. Herbert called Mrs. Hanks and said, "Mrs. Hanks, your check has returned."

Mrs. Hanks commented, "So has my back pain."

Doctor jokes-Shots

Dr. Jones enters the student classroom and starts shouting, "Tetanus! Insulin! Booster!"

One student asked another, "What the hell do you think he is doing?"

The other student replied, "Calling the shots."