Pastor's blessings

Jack, a tourist from London goes to a Scottish horse race event and witnesses a pastor blessing one of the horses. To Jack’s astonishment, the horse wins. Not just that, the next 3 horses whom the pastor blesses also win. Then he finds the priest blessing a fifth horse and puts a good deal of money on it.

Unfortunately, the horse suffers from a stroke during the race and dies. Jack meets the pastor later and tells him what a disaster his bet had turned out to be. He also questions why the pastor's blessings had not worked on the fifth horse.

The pastor questions him, ‘Are you a Protestant?’.

‘Yes, I am,’ replies Jack.

‘Well then,’ says the pastor. ‘You’ll not be knowing the difference between a blessing and the last rites.’

Cow story

Dan, a yuppy decides to go out for a walk in the country one morning. As he is strolling down the sunny country road, he comes across a farmer, tending to his two cows.

"Good morning, farmer," says the yuppy.

"Morning to you, sir," replies the farmer. And he pauses, and waits.

Dan thinks that probably just ending it there isn't enough. Struggling for some small talk, he says, "Those are some fine cows you have there."

"Oh, yes, the white cow is a lovely cow, she is," says the farmer.

"And the black cow?"

"Well," the farmer pauses, "yes, I suppose the black cow is good too."

"Yes, they certainly look fit and healthy," says Dan.

"Indeed, the white cow is the healthiest I've ever had! Never needed the vet, full of life!" responds the farmer.

"And the black cow?"

"Well,... yes, the black cow is pretty healthy too."

"So I suppose they give a lot of milk then?"

The farmer beams. "You should see the white cow, come milking time, she's full to bursting with the creamiest milk, she is. Oh yes indeed, the white cow gives a lot of milk she does."

"And the black cow?"

"Oh, well, yes... I suppose the black cow gives a lot of milk too."

Dan doesn't really know where to go with this. The farmer seems to really have something special for the white cow, even though the black cow seems just as good.

"You know, farmer, I don't mean to intrude, but it seems every time I ask you really favor the white cow...."

"Well, isn't it obvious?" asks the farmer, "The white cow is MY cow!"

"Ah, I see. And the black cow?"

"Well, yeah, the black cow is mine, too."

Types of milk

Joe was visiting the country with his father. His father owned a farm house with some cows in it.

Joe asks his father, "Hey dad, can you tell me what are the types of milk available.

His father replied, "Hmmm...there is evaporated milk, malted milk, buttermilk, pasteurized milk, partly skimmed milk etc.....why do you wanna know?"

Joe replies, "It's just that I am drawing a picture of a cow, and I want to know how many spigots to put on her."

Short funny jokes-Turkey

Question: Why did they let the turkey join the band?

Answer: Because he had his own drumsticks!

Hilarious jokes-Married a Gorilla

Two explorers are at their London club. One says to the other, ‘Did you hear about Old Chumley? On his last expedition to Africa he married a gorilla!’

‘Good God,’ says the other. ‘That’s a bit queer.’

‘Oh no,’ replies the first explorer. ‘It was a female gorilla.’

Funny jokes-Married a gorilla

Two explorers are at their London club. One says to the other, ‘Did you hear about Old Chumley? On his last expedition to Africa he married a gorilla!’

‘Good God,’ says the other. ‘That’s a bit queer.’

‘Oh no,’ replies the first explorer. ‘It was a female gorilla.’

Animal jokes-So lazy

My dog is so lazy he won’t even bark, he just waits for another dog to bark, then nods.

Clean jokes-Seagulls

Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea?

A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.

Animal jokes-A Snail's tale

A snail is crossing the road. As he’s about to get to the other side a turtle runs him over. The paramedics transport the unconscious snail to hospital. The doctors work to revive the snail and, when he awakens, the doctor asks him what happened.

The snail replies, ‘I don’t know, it all happened so fast!’

Clean jokes-Snail at doorstep

A man hears a knock on his back door and goes to answer it. There’s no one there but the man notices a snail on his doorstep so he kicks it to the bottom of his garden.

Five years later there’s another knock on the door. The man answers it to find the snail on his doorstep again.

‘Hey!’ says the snail. ‘What the hell was that about?’

Really funny jokes-Transformation

An old lady is polishing a lamp when a genie suddenly appears and offers her three wishes.

‘I’d like to be young and beautiful again,’ says the old lady. ‘I’d like this cottage to be a fine mansion, and I’d like my cat, Whiskers, to be a handsome prince.’ The genie grants these wishes and the old lady, the cottage and Whiskers are all transformed. The beautiful young woman swoons into the handsome prince’s arms and he gently whispers in her ear, ‘Now I bet you wish you hadn’t taken me to the vet for that little operation.’

Animal jokes-Small mouse

A young elephant and young mouse came across each other for the first time:

Mouse: "What are you?"
Elephant: " I'm an elephant"

Mouse: "Aren't you big"
Elephant: " Yes. What are you?

Mouse: " I'm a mouse"
Elephant: " Aren't you small?"

Mouse: " I, I, I've not been well"

Animal jokes-Elephant and parrot

What would you get if you crossed an elephant with a parrot?

Something that tells you everything it remembers.

Animal jokes-Bunny

What did the bunny say when he only had thistles to eat?
Thistle have to do!

How do you post a bunny?
Hare mail.

What does a bunny use when it goes fishing?
A hare-net.

Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world?
It has 4 rabbits' feet.

Intelligent

What's blonde with big eyes and intelligent?

A golden retriever.

Diary of a Cat

Jan 30 - Day 68 of my confinement

These humans enjoy irritating me with strange little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

Today my attempt to kill the humans by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Maybe I should try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile tormentors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. I must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little kitty cat I was. This is not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing something called "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.

The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He speaks with them regularly, and I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait.

It's only a matter of time.

Clean jokes-A dog's tale

Lawrence noticed this board on the gate of a house. “Talking dog for sale”

Intrigued, he knocked the door to inquire. The owner took Lawrence to the back of the house where a dog was casually sitting on the ground and left them alone.

Lawrence: “Is it true?”

Dog: “Sure.”

Lawrence: “So what’s behind all this? And why does he want to sell you?”

Dog: “I was born with this gift. My previous owner sold me to CBI and I helped them uncover biggest secrets because they let me loose on the job and nobody suspected that a dog could eves drop. But they made me travel a lot. So I left them and got myself employed with a minister who did not know my virtue. I discovered many scandals by this minister and informed the government. They gave me many awards for my services. I have aged now and finally I am leading a peaceful life with my family.”

Lawrence went back to the owner and asked the price. The owner said twelve dollars.

Lawrence paid the price without hesitation and asked: “This is a marvelous dog with amazing talent. Why do you want to get rid of him?”

Owner: “The SOB never speaks the truth, he always tells lies.”

Hilarious jokes-Speech disorder

Jeremy, a stud farm owner, is visited by a strange customer. It's a pygmy with a speech disorder who says he wants to buy a horse.

Jeremy asks the pygmy if he wants a male or female horse.

"A female horth," the pygmy replies.

So Jeremy shows him a female one.

"Nith looking horth, can I thee her mouth?"

So Jeremy picks up the pygmy and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nith mouth. Can I thee her eyesth?"

So Jeremy picks up the pygmy and shows the eyes.

"Ok, what about her earth?"

Now Jeremy is getting really irritated, but he picks up the pygmy one more time and shows the ears.

"OK, finally, I'd like to thee her twat."

With that, Jeremy picks up the pygmy and shoves his head up the horse's canal then pulls him out.

Shaking his head, the pygmy says, "Perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like to thee her run!"

Animal jokes-Pampered cow

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk.

Animal jokes-Three baby unicorns

There was mother unicorn and she had 3 baby unicorns. The first baby unicorn came and said "Mommy, why did you name me Daisy?"

The mother replied "Because the day you were born, a daisy fell right on your forehead."

She said "Ah that's sweet."

She kissed her on the cheek and left. The next baby unicorn comes in and she said "Mommy, why did you name Rose?"

The mother replied "Because the day you were born, a rose fell right on your forehead."

She said "Ah thats sweet." She kissed her on the forehead and walked away.

Then the third baby unicorn comes in and she was like "DERREDUBUDUBJEHDK" and the mom said "SHUT UP CINDERBLOCK!"