Hilarious jokes-Substitute

Martin was working in a small town as branch manager of a financial institution. The rule stipulated that if a branch manager of a small branch needed leave for some reason, he had to inform the nearest city office which would send a substitute to take charge of the town office.

Martin’s wife got sick and he needed leave for a few days. The city office received a cable which read: “Wife sick, send substitute for a week.”

Really funny jokes-Best excuse

My colleague Jordan is overweight and all of us in the office have been pushing him since a very long time to shed his excess weight. So one day, Jordan decided to start dieting and he took his new resolution seriously. He even changed his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work with a box of doughnuts from the Peter Pan Bakery. Everybody scolded him, even the boss reprimanded him but Jordan was ready with his justification.

"These are very special doughnuts," declared Jordan. "I accidentally drove by the Peter Pan bakery this morning and could see a lot of goodies in the window. I thought this was no coincidence, there was certainly some divine intervention, so I prayed, 'Oh God, if you want me to have one of those yummy doughnuts, let me have a parking place right in front of the bakery.' And sure enough," he continued, "the seventh time around the block, there it was!"

The reprimand

An Indian Airlines air-hostess was called into the office of Chief Trainer for a severe reprimand.

"Miss Dixit, I have been informed about the happenings on your maiden flight", said the furious trainer, glaring at the air-hostess.

"From now on, please remember - if a passenger feels faint, you need to push his head down between his own legs!"

Office jokes-Bragging

Redmond moved to London from Ireland to pursue a career in logistics. He was always bragging to his English colleagues about how great Ireland was. One co-worker, annoyed by such boasting, finally said, "Well, if Ireland's so wonderful, how come you didn't stay there?"

"Well," explained Redmond, "they're all so brilliant out there I had to come down here to have any chance of making it at all."

Redneck jokes-At the workplace

How can you tell if there is a redneck at your workplace

1. He calls the mouse a critter.

2. He has a gun-rack mounted on the CPU.

3. His password is bubba.

4. He puts a Dale Earnhardt sticker on Windows 95.

5. You will find whiskey stains on outgoing faxes.

6. His printer is very slow as he doesn't read very fast.

7. He installs Dodge truck parts in the extra RAM slots of his PC.

8. You'll find that the menus all have Black Label, Old Milwaukee and Bud options.

9. His monitor is up on blocks.

10. You find a skoal can in the CD-ROM.

Office jokes-Project management

Project management is like making love; no matter how well planned it is, you always end up in a rush.

Really funny jokes-The excuse

Aron goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Aron" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Aron, "I knew I could count on you!"

Office jokes-Meetings

Are you Lonely?
Don't like working on your own?
Hate making decisions?

Then call a MEETING!!

You can:-

SEE people,
DRAW flowcharts,
FEEL important,
IMPRESS your colleagues
(and all on company time)

MEETINGS....
The practical alternative to work!

One line jokes-So important

This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.
(Advertising/Marketing Manager, United Parcel Service)

Office jokes-Corporate language

Corporate language

'A challenging market' - a difficult market.
'A difficult market' - totally impossible.
'We see an up-turn later in the year' - it can't get any worse.
'We are working on improving our performance' - we've sacked the whole team.
'Left the company unexpectedly' - topped himself.
'Left to develop his career elsewhere' - we fired him.
'A well constructed and extremely versatile product' - no one understands it.
'Recent down-sizing of the sales force' - the buggers keep leaving.
'Doesn't suffer fools gladly' - complete idiot to work for.
'He has an active social life' - alcoholic
'A spectacular producer during the time he was with us' - now doing time at Wandsworth.
'Highly creative, with an endless supply of unorthodox ideas' -mad.
'Forthcoming changes in the regulatory environment' - Oh Christ, here we go again.

Hilarious jokes-Job application

Bubba applied for a job and had to answer the following in the application form:
"List your high school and when you attended."

Bubba promptly replied : Central High, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.

Really funny jokes-Life in prison vs. Life in office

A comparison of life in prison vs. a full time job

In prison, they spend the majority of their time in a 8' x 10' cell.
At work, I spend most of my time in a 6' x 8' cubicle.

In prison, they get three meals a day.
At work, I only get a break for one meal and I have to pay for that one.

In prison, you get time off for good behavior.
At work, I get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison, they provide you with clothing with the ID conveniently sewn on to the clothes.
At work, I must wear an ID badge at all times.

In prison, there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes.
At work, there is a dress standard, but I must buy my own clothes.

In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for me.
At work, I must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors myself.

In prison, they can watch TV and play games.
At work, I can get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison, they will pay my way through school to learn a new career and give me time to do it.
At work, they will pay for my education, but I must do it on my own time.

In prison they have exercise rooms that they allow you to use almost whenever you want.
At work we have an exercise room that you can use but it must be on your time.

In prison, I can fall asleep on the job and no serious consequences comes from my action.
At work, if I fall asleep on the job I get put on the next bullet list.

In prison, they ball and chain you when you go somewhere.
At work, you are just ball and chained.

In prison, you have full free medical coverage .
At work, you get partial coverage and your BUPA payments are deducted

In prison, all expenses are paid by the tax payer.
At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then deduct the taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

Funny jokes-Senior management

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a Senior Manager ID badge and a dull grey suit.

"Well" says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust a Senior Manager."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

POOF The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

POOF The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

POOF He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story?
If a Senior Manager offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

Finance jokes-Penny stock

What's the difference between buying a lottery ticket and buying a penny stock?

In the first case, you help finance your local community swimming pool. In the second case, you help finance the stock promoters home pool.

Office jokes-Things that sound dirty at Work but really aren't

It is best to watch what you say in the workplace. However, if you find yourself saying any of these phrases, not to worry. They may sound risque, but in fact they're only...

Things That Sound Dirty at Work But Really Aren't:

10. "I need to whip it out by 5."

9. "Mind if I use your laptop?"

8. "Put it in my box before I leave."

7. "If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!"

6. "I want it on my desk NOW!"

5. "HMMMM... I think it's out of fluid."

4. "My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish."

3. "It's an entry-level position."

2. "When do you think you'll be getting off today?"

1. "It's not fair! I do all the work while he just sits there!"

Short Management jokes

* The first myth of management is that it exists.

* Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.

* Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File".

* We are too busy mopping the floor to turn off the faucet.

* Management by objectives is no better than the objectives.

* "I've given you an unlimited budget, and you have already exceeded it!"

Office jokes-Corporate Structure

Corporate Structure

Chairman Of The Board - Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a speeding locomotive; faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Gives policy to God.

President - Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a switch engine; just as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water when the water is calm. Talks with God.

Executive Vice-President - Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds. Is almost as powerful as a switch engine; not quite as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool. Talks to God if special request is granted.

Vice President - Barely clears a quonset hut. Loses tug of war with locomotive. Can fire a speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God.

General Manager - Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings. Is run over by a locomotive. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury. Dog paddles. Talks to animals.

Manager - Runs into buildings. Recognizes locomotive two out of three times. Is not issued ammunition. Can't stay afloat with a life preserver. Talks to walls.

Trainee - Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings. Says, "Look at the choo-choo." Wets self with a water pistol. Plays in mud puddles. Mumbles to self.

Secretary - Lifts buildings and walks under them. Kicks locomotives off the tracks. Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them. Freezes water with single glance. She IS God.

Funny jokes-Lazy manager

A lazy manager of a firm in his forties was advised by his doctor to play some sport, preferably tennis for some exercise. So he took up tennis. A month later his secretary asked: “Well sir, how is it going?”

Manager: "I am doing fine. On the court when I see a ball coming to me at speed, my brain instantly reacts and says: ‘To the net or smash or take the corner’ like that. I don’t believe it. "

Secretary: “Then what happens?”

Manager: “Then my body reacts and says ‘Who? Me? You must be joking.”

Office jokes-Signs your Boss is Stupid

Signs your Boss is Stupid

Schedules emergency visit to urologist after overhearing office gossip regarding "Peter principle" and "downsizing."

Answers every question with "yes," "no," or "reply hazy, try again later."

Finally traded in the company fleet of Ford Pintos -- for Ford Explorers.

You've just received permission to leave for your 4th fact- finding trip to learn about "Tolkien Ring Networks" this week.

Thinks that by monitoring your e-mail he.. is the best loved, nicest and by far the most brilliant boss to work for.

Believes that Britney really "is' a virgin.

You send him a memo saying that for Halloween, you're coming as The Invisible Man -- then you don't come in at all. The next day, he promotes you for your ingenuity.

He's attempting to sleep his way to the top, starting with the CEO's wife.

You receive yet "another" fruit basket after calling in the death of your fifth grandmother this year alone.

Bases the company's budget on the $1,000 each employee was going to receive for forwarding Bill Gates's e-mail.

Despite your constant reminders, the moron can't seem to stop counting at five.

Thinks that "downsizing" means ordering a small drink and fries with his burger.

Had the network customized so that he can print confidential documents directly to the shredder.

Took her a month to figure out that the desk lamp wasn't a "Clapper" like on the night stand at home.

No need to ask for a raise; just approach him repeatedly and ask him if he has two tens for a five.

Ever since he approved your "On-Site Telecommuter" idea, you get to go to the office wearing a robe, Superman underpants and bunny slippers.

During meetings, constantly turns to Jesus Gonzalez from Marketing and asks, "What would YOU do?"

Office jokes-Trick of the trade

Bob wanted to uplift his status in life but his boss was not giving him a raise for quite some time.

Exasperated, one day Bob went to his boss and said: “Now you have to give me a raise, otherwise there are three companies after me.

Boss (sarcastically): “Oh yes? Which are these companies if I am not being too pertinent?”

Bob: “Telephone company, Mortgage company and Electricity company.”

Bob got his desired raise.