Good jokes-Labor issues

One Afghan and one Indian labor minister, were in a meeting discussing labor issues.

The Afghan labor minister said; ”I am in eternally stressed. There are labor issues in my country that create hundreds of problems for me every day.”

The Indian;”That’s no problem at all. There are labor issues in my country that produce 60000 babies every day.”

One line jokes-Going to Court

Going to Court means that your fate is in the hands of twelve people who were not good enough to get out of jury duty!

Really funny jokes-Obama at the Bank

President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this cheque for me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?

Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States of America !!!!"

Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID"

Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am"

Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama: "I am urging you please to cash this cheque"

Cashier: "Look Mr. President this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States ?"

Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing I can do."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"

Obama jokes-Smart daughters

“Barack Obama’s daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it’ll be cleaned up by future generations.”
–Jay Leno

One line jokes-Meetings

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

Really funny jokes-How's your job?

Some short office jokes to entertain you......

Laurel: How's your job at the watch company?
Hardy: Only time will tell.

Tom: How's your job at the banana company?
Jerry: I keep slipping up.

Santa: How's your job on the new highway?
Banta: I'm so busy I don't know which way to turn.

Turner: How's your job at the travel agency?
Hooch: I'm going nowhere.

Beavis: How's your job at the swivel chair company?
Butthead: It makes my head spin!

Calvin: How's your job at the lemon juice company?
Hobbes: I've had bitter jobs.

Garfield: How's your job at the pie company?
Odie: It didn't pan out.

Laurel: How's your job at the balloon factory?
Hardy: We can't keep up with inflation.

Tom: How's your job at the crystal ball company?
Jerry: I'm making a fortune.

Santa: How's your job at the history book company?
Banta: There's no future in it.

Turner: How's your job at the clock company?
Hooch: I'm having second thoughts about it.

Beavis: How's your job on the farm?
Butthead: Problems keep cropping up.

Calvin: How's your job at the sewing shop?
Hobbes: Hanging on by a thread.

Garfield: How's your job at the eye glasses clinic?
Odie: I have clear job objectives.

Clean jokes-Spelling problem

A young boy went to an office to be interviewed for a job, and was asked his full name.

"Karthik Ganesan Muthuswamy," he replied.

"How do you spell that?" asked the rattled manager.

"Well...sir........can't you just put it down without spelling it?"

Office jokes-Get back on your feet

I went to a car dealership in my locality, and noticed they had found a creative way to warn customers who defaulted payments. Their sign said:

"The greatest way to get back on your feet - miss an installment payment."

Office jokes-Always bad news

Jenine, a curvy blonde enters into John's cabin and says to her boss, "John, I'm afraid I've bad news for you."

John staring at his secretary's curves, replies, "Sweetheart, why do you always have to give me bad news? Give me some good news for a change."

Jenine replies, "Well, if you insist, the good news is that you are not sterile....."

Economy jokes-Stocks getting cheap

Q: How do you know when stocks are getting really cheap?

A: When Wall Street is called Wal-Mart Street.

Really funny jokes-The ways to grade the final exams

The ways to grade the final exams

Dept of Statistics:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

Dept of Psychology:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

Dept of History:
All students get the same grade they got last year.

Dept of Religion:
Grade is determined by God.

Dept of Philosophy:
What is a grade?

Law School:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

Dept of Logic:
If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

Dept of Computer Science:
Random number generator determines grade.

Music Department:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).

Dept of Physical Education:
Everybody gets an A.

The factory bell

Joe was an American manufacturer of machine parts. He had a prospective customer from Albania visiting him for imports of machinery to his country and Joe was showing him around his factory.

At noon, the lunch bell rang, and eight hundred workers immediately stopped work and left the building.

"Your workers are escaping!" cried the Albanian visitor. "You must stop them."

"They will come back, nothing to worry," said Joe. And indeed, after an hour, the bell rang again, and all the workers returned from their break.

After the orientation, Joe turns to his guest and says, "Would you like to place an order for any of these machines?"

"Forget the machines," says the guest. "How much do you want for that bell?"

Funny jokes-Careers defined

So what will your career be - check some definitions.

Who is an accountant?
A person who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Who is an actuary?
A person who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

Who is an archaeologist?
A person whose career lies in ruins.

Who is an architect?
A person who makes beautiful models, but unaffordable realities.

Who is an architect?
A person who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Really funny jokes-Birth of the computer

How the computer came into being
(written by my friend Steve Jobs)

01. In the beginning there was the Word, and Word had two Bytes and there was nothing else.

02. And God divided the ones from the zeros and saw that it was good.

03. And God said, Let there be data: and there were data.

04. And God said, Let data be gathered together into each own place and he created floppies, hard drives and CD-ROMs.

05. And God said, Let there be computers so there was a place to put hard drives, floppies and CD-ROMs. And God created computers and called them "hardware" and divided "hardware" from "software."

06. But there were no software yet so Lord God corrected himself and created programs big and small and blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill all memory.

07. And God got tired from writing programs and said, Let us make programmer in our image, after our likeness: and let him to have dominion over computers and programs and data. So God created a programmer and put him into his Computing Facility to live and work there. And LORD God brought programmer to the Directory Tree and commanded him, saying, From every directory thou mayest run programs. But from the WINDOWS directory thou shalt not run programs at all: for MUST DIE.

08. And the LORD God said, It is not good that the programmer should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him. And the LORD God took one of programmer's bones which had no brains and created a CUSTOMER; and brought him unto programmer: and programmer called customer a USER. And they were both sitting under pure DOS, and were not ashamed.

09. Now the Bill was more subtle than any beast of the field. And he said unto the user, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not run programs from every directory? And the user said, We may run programs from every directory, but of the WINDOWS directory, God hath said, Ye shall not run programs from it, for MUST DIE. And Bill said to user, Let us argue a taste of oyster with those who ate them! In the day ye run WINDOWS, then ye shall be as gods, for with one click of mouse ye create whatever you want. And when the user saw that WINDOWS was pleasant to the eyes, and a program to be desired for it makes any knowledge unnecessary, and installed it on his computer; and said also unto programmer that it was cool; and programmer installed it too.

0A. And programmer went to look for new drivers, and he heard the voice of the LORD God, asking, Where art thou? And programmer said, Looking for new drivers, for there are no drivers under pure DOS. And the LORD God said, who told thee that thou needth drivers? Hast thou run programs from WINDOWS directory? And programmer said, The user whom thou gavest to be with me, he told me that from now on he wants programs only from WINDOWS directory; and I installed them. And the LORD God said unto the user, What is this that thou hast done? And the user said, The Bill beguiled me, and I did run WINDOWS.

OB. And the LORD God said unto the Bill, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; and I will put enmity between thee and the programmer; for he will curse you and thou will sell WINDOWS to him. OC. Unto the user he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and barren thy wallet; and thou will use buggy programs; and thou will not survive without the programmer, and he shall rule over thee. 0D. And unto programmer he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of the user, cursed are computers for thy sake; bugs and viruses will they bring to thou; in sorrow shalt thou fight them all the days of thy life; in the sweat of thy face shalt thou debug thy code.

0E. Therefore the LORD God sent them forth from his Computer Facility; and he set password on entry.

0F. General protection fault.

Funny jokes-Stock market turnaround

Jack: The Stock market did an incredible turnaround yesterday.

Sam: Really?

Jack: Yep. A stock broker who jumped out of the window of his sixteenth floor office, saw a computer monitor on the eleventh floor and did a U-turn.

Twenty inflexible rules in the office

Twenty inflexible Rules in the office

1. Never challenge the boss. He is always right.

2. If the Boss is mistaken, see rule # 1.

3. Those who work hard always get more work. Others enjoy pay, perks, and promotions.

4. Ph.D. denotes "Pull Him Down". The more capable, hardworking and dedicated you are, the more number of people will be involved in pulling you down.

5. If you are good, you will get a lot of work. If you are very good, you will get out of it.

6. When the Boss talks about improving productivity, he never includes his own self.

7. What you do in not important, what matters is what you say you have done and what you will be doing.

8. A pat on the back is only inches away from a kick in the behind.

9. Don't be indispensable. If you cannot be dispensed with, you cannot be promoted.

10. The more crap you take, the more you are going to get.

11. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

12. When you don't know what is to be done, walk fast and look concerned.

13. You cannot get work done by following rules.

14. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

15. A lot can be filed under "Miscellaneous".

16. No matter how much you do, it is never enough.

17. You can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work you are meant to be doing.

18. It is not essential to know your job in order to get promoted.

19. You only need to pretend that you know your job to get promoted.

20. All the blame for any situation can be put on the last person who resigned or was fired.

Light bulb jokes-How many cops

How many cops does it take to change light bulb?

Just one, but he is never around when you need him.

Only one, but he has to see an officer do it first.

Three, one to do it, one to direct traffic and one to say "Show's over, nothing left to see here, folks, move along."

Really funny jokes-Great fathers

Those three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".

The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!

Really funny jokes-Worried CEO

A CEO has his business going well, but he's a bit worried. He decides to check the competence of his employees.

The first person he meets is his assistant:
- Oh Miss, I'd like to ask you just a question. How much make 2+2 ?
- Yes Sir. Do you want a detailed memo on that?
- No, just answer the question.
- Well, I think it's 4.

Then he goes to the computer tech:
- Hi John! Just a question. Can you tell me how much make 2+2 ?
John runs Excel, and after five minutes answers:
- It is 4.00 E+0, but I'm not sure, the support staff should come tomorrow. Will I ask them to check it?

Then he goes to the accountant:
- Hello mister, can you tell me how much make 2+2 ?
- Well, well, I know I'm late. I'm sorry. I didn't already collect all the data, neither check all the accounts. But I can estimate it now between 3.196... and... let's say... 5.659. But I'll be able to make a much more accurate estimate within two weeks!

A bit disappointed, he goes to the sales manager:
- Hello Bob, could you tell me how much make 2+2 ?
- So... How much do you think it makes?
- I ask you to answer.
- Mmh... you don't want to tell me your price. You want me to make an offer. - Indeed.
- So, let's say 6! No, excuse me, you're not that kind of man, you know the market. I sell it to you for 5.25, and that's the price I' make for my best friend!

Then he goes to his lawyer:
- Good Morning Mister. Can you tell me how much make 2+2 ?
- Right now?
- Yes!
- So, at first I would say 2, but I'm convinced that with a good preparation, we can get 3!

And, finally, he goes to the actuary:
- Hello Sir, can you tell me how much make 2+2 ?
- Of course. It is... It is... Mmmmh, well, how much would you like it to make?

Office jokes-Opposed

The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing, "All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by saying, 'I resign'."