Short funny jokes-Dizzy

They say that marriage makes a man dizzy, and it's true.

As soon as I got a wife, I lost my balance at the bank.

Cancer Research

Peter was walking down 35th Street in New York city when he was approached by a woman with a clipboard.

"Good morning, sir," she said. Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?"

"Just a few minutes?" Peter asked.

"Just a few minutes," the woman replied.

"Okay," Peter said, "But we're not going to get much done."

Really funny jokes-Children of Movie stars

The children of two movie actresses were talking.

Tina: “Somebody told me you have a new father, how is he?”

Rita: “Really nice. Come to my place, you can meet him. I am sure you will like him.”

Tina: “I have already met him. Last year, he was my father too.”

Warning Signs that you are spending too much time Online

Warning Signs that you are spending to much time Online 

# Tech Support calls "YOU" for queries.

#. When an office colleague shares a joke and you say "LOL" out loud.

# You discover yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile.


# You like to have your lunch in front of the computer.

# Your children are used to eating cereal in all their meals.

# When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always "screaming" at you.

# When at work, your senior frequently reminds you that the word "i" should be capitalized.

# You barely notice anymore when someone has a typo.

# You discontinue talking in full sentences.

# You fail to type with proper capitalization or punctuation.

# You have formed the habit of double clicking your TV remote.

# You dream in codes.

# You have an identity crisis when you learn of someone using a screen name close to your own.

# You are confused as to who you are, having changed your screen names so many times.

# You say "Scroll up" when a friend asks, "What did you say?"

Really funny jokes-Victim’s relative

Bob had just finished his course in journalism and joined a newspaper agency. His boss sent him out on field to get some exciting news. At one place, he saw a mob gathered in a tight circle. He learnt that there was a fatal accident. Bob tried to get inside the circle but could not. He had a bright idea and shouted: “Move over, move over, I am related to the victim.”

Immediately, the crowd made space for him. Pleased with his own quick wit, Bob proceeded and reached the spot and guess what?

He saw a donkey lying dead.

Really funny jokes-Expected apology

On her way back from the concession stand, Julie asked a man at the end of the row, "Pardon me, but did I step on your foot a few minutes ago?"

Expecting an apology, the man said, "Indeed you did."

Julie nodded, and noted, "Oh good. Then this is my row."

Twitter and politics

The Library of Congress has collaborated with Twitter to store every tweet ever posted in their archive of historical documents. Now you know why Congress is so busy.


The Library of Congress is home to some of the most important documents in history including the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and now it will also include tweets from Razorasher, who loves to share his homemade marshmallow recipe.

Really funny jokes-Speeding cars

A village was facing a problem of speeding cars resulting in accidents every now and then.

The local council could not afford a speed camera, so they put up a sign saying:
Slow down Old People's Home. It had no effect.

At the next meeting, it was decided to work on the paternal instincts and put up a sign:
Danger - Children at Play.
No discernible reduction in traffic speed.

Then the chairman had a brain-wave and suggested they try a sign with:
Cloth-less Colony.

As a result of the notice, white vans and lorries crawl throughout the village now.

Good jokes-Windy

I was traveling with my wife in Kanyakumari, India, one of the windiest places on Earth.  Braving our way through the crosswind, we made our way to the tollbooth where I asked a bespectacled attendant, "What do you guys do in Kanyakumari when the wind quits?"

Adjusting his rims, the guy answered, "We take the rocks out of our pockets."

Funny jokes-Too jealous to handle!

What could be the extent of your jealously?

I know of a woman who was so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hair on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"

The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"

Statistics jokes-Bikini

Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
- Aaron Levenstein

Really funny stuff-The Chocolate rules for Dieting

The chocolate rules

- If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

– Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

– The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the shop in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the car park.

– Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It will take the edge off your appetite and you will eat less.

– A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

– If you cant eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you cant eat all your chocolate, whats wrong with you?

– If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

– Money talks. Chocolate sings.

- Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

- If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top tights. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

– Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

Funny jokes-Four food groups

All my life, I have struggled to break free from each of the four food groups:

the chocolate group,
the fried snack group,
the caffeine group,
and the whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is group.

Clearer instructions

I had unintentionally become the center of attraction at the supermarket this afternoon.  I was standing in the queue to make payment. When it was my turn to pay, the cashier made the strangest request - he said to me, "Strip down, facing me."

Well, I needed the groceries, so I did as told. But not before I had made a mental note to file a complaint with the management.

There was some screaming and shrieking and I finally realized that he was referring to my credit card.

I have been debarred from entering the supermarket premises.

Don't you think we seniors deserve clearer instructions?

My money

Rahul and Jany were checking out their new villa.

Rahul had paid for the house and he felt the urge to keep reminding his wife about it.

As they went to each room, he said to her, "Jany, if it were not for my money, we would not be here."

Jany kept quiet. 

That evening, their new furniture was delivered, furniture which Rahul had paid for. After the furniture was set, they took another look at the house. As they saw the gloriously decorated house, Rahul reminded Jany,
"If it were not for my money, this furniture would not be here."

Jany maintained her silence.

Later that evening, another vehicle delivered a state-of-the-art electronics system with home theatre.

Again, Rahul could not help himself but remind Jany, "Sweetheart, it it were not for my money, this system would not be here."

Jany was not quiet this time. She replied, "Sweetheart, I don't want to make you feel bad, but...if it were not for your money, I wouldn't be here either!"

Funny jokes-Last name

When I reached office late one morning, I got the message that someone called "Robert" had called for me from the bank regarding my company's current account. 

Returning the call to my bank, the operator asked what Robert's last name was. I explained that he hadn't left his last name.

Then the operator asked for his department, and I said that I had no idea.

"There are 1250 employees in this building, sir," the operator informed me rather sharply.

So I asked her for her name.

"Bridgette," she said.

"And your last name?" I asked.

"Sorry," she replied, "it's company policy not to give last names."

Good jokes-Weather girl

"You never get anything right," scolded Mrs. Jacob, the science teacher. "What kind of job do you think you'll get when you leave school ?"

Suzie said, "Well, I want to be the weather girl on TV."

Funny jokes-False teeth

Paul, the priest got himself a set of false teeth at the dental clinic.

The first Sunday after he got his new teeth, he spoke for only five minutes.

The next Sunday, he spoke for only ten minutes.

The Sunday after that, he spoke for three hours.

The congregation had to fight him to get him down from the pulpit and they were curious to know what made him talk so much.

Priest Paul explained the first Sunday his gums hurt real bad, so he couldn't talk for more than five minutes.

The second Sunday was no better and he managed to speak for just about ten minutes.

But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and found it impossible to shut up.

Really funny jokes-Library

A library is a somewhat easy place to annoy the people sitting around you, but for those of you with less then stellar creativity, we have made a list of things you can do...

1. Read out loud. Very loud. And slowly.

2. While pointing to a very simple word, like 'the', ask the person next to you if he/she can pronounce it for you.

3. While looking at your book, turn so you’re facing the person. Then, peer over the top of your book, and say "PEEKABOO!!"

4. Put down you book, and look over and start reading the other persons book, and, either a) say "Ooo. Nice book." or b) when he/she looks at you, quickly pick up your book and act like your reading it.

5. Suddenly look over at him/her, and say, "You’re one of THEM!"

6. Put down your book, and look at him/her. When they says something like "what?", cut them off by saying "Are you accusing me of something?"

7. Read your book. Upside down.

8. Read your book from right to left. And flip the pages the same way.

9. Flip the page every two or so seconds.

10. Pick up your book, put it down, and say, "Wow. That was a good book."

11. Read silently, and then as if speaking to the character in your book, say, "No, Jim! It's a trap! Don't do it!!" Then turn to the person and reply solemnly, "He did it." when he/she looks at you.

12. Turn to the person and ask, "Have you ever experienced déjavu and amnesia at the same time?"

13. Start arguing with yourself, then when he/she looks at you funny, say "Ohh, I'm sorry. I was just telling my subconscious to be quiet."

14. Sit down, and then say to the person next to you, "Hi! My name's (? and I'm really glad to meet you."

15. Ask him/her if he/she knew there are eddies in the space/time continuum.

16. Ask him/her what species he/she is.

17. Every so often, yelp in pain, and look at your feet.

18. Bring a bag or purse, and peer into it and say, "Got enough air in their?" or, "Settle down in there. I'm trying to read!"

19. Ask them what their name is, and then when they start to reply, cut them off by saying, "No it isn't!"

20. Break the silence by making a bodily function noise, then say, "Wow! That was a good one!"

Twenty five years of hard work

Harry, a criminal who got a sentence of 25 years in prison was finding it impossible to pass time in the confinement of his cell. So he started training a Queen ant to perform some tricks. Weeks turned into months and months into years - but Harry continued to work on the ant day and night, for thousands of hours. It took 5 years for him to teach the ant to ride a one-wheel bike, another 5 to perform acrobatics, 5 more to sing songs from the "Sound of Music", and a couple of more years to dance like Michael Jackson.

"The day we get out of here," Harry said to the Queen ant, "we're going to explore the night-spots and make millions."

Finally the day arrived when Harry was released. A free man, Harry started out for the city with his friend, the Queen ant, safely placed inside a match box.

He went to a local bar to celebrate and to show off the talents of his trainee. Once seated at the bar, he placed the match box on the bar counter and out came the Queen ant. On prompting, it started break dancing.

"See this ant, eh?" he pointed out to the bartender.

In one swift motion, the bartender reached for a magazine, rolled it up and squished the Queen ant with a mighty swipe.

"Glad you saw it," muttered the bartender. "Blasted things are everywhere."