A lot of room

Margaret Jones, a woman of 75 years who had never married in her life, had just one ambition. To get married and lose her virginity. She was a wealthy woman with all good things in life at her disposal.

Somehow, she never got around to get married but she wanted to do it now. She had only one condition - she wanted a man who had never done it, just like herself.

She advertised all over the world looking for that perfect match and finally was able to locate a young guy from Australia, called Shane Warner.

They got married, and she took him to her mansion. While she was getting ready for the night, she heard some loud noises from the adjacent room. When she went to the other room to investigate, she found that all the furniture in the rooms had been moved to the corners.

Margaret asked Shane, "What are you doing, my dear?"

Shane replied, "Madam, I have never done it with a woman in my life, but in case it is similar to doing it to a kangaroo, I am gonna need a lot of room!"

Story of a village boy

Arnold, who had just finished high school in the countryside, was very excited about the prospect of going to college.

He went to his father and asked, "Papa, will you send me to college?"

The old farmer replied, "Listen son, I will decide whether to send you to college the day you can tell what's what."

"Till that time", the farmer added, "You can work on the farm and I will pay you for it."

Arnold agreed and toiled on his dad's farm for a year. After that, he approached his father again asking to be sent to college.

The old farmer said, "Do you know what's what? I told you I will send you to college the day you answer me."

Disappointed, Arnold headed for the local bar. There he met a pretty young girl and they developed an instant liking towards each other. When they left the bar, she invited him to her place. After talking for some time, she said she was going into the bedroom and that he should follow after 5 minutes for a surprise.

He waited for 5 minutes and went to her bedroom. He was taken aback by the sight of her wearing nothing but a thin chain around her waist.

Arnold, pointing to the chain, asked her, "What's that?"

The pretty young thing answered, "What's what?"

"Don't ask me that", said Arnold, "If I had the answer to that question, I would be in college."

The trouble with me

Mark was quite tensed when he went to see a shrink.

Mark said slowly to Dr. Lowe, "I..I am in love with my cat."

Dr. Lowe said in a sweet voice, "That's ok Mark. Several people in the world are fond of animals. In fact, I have a dog who I cannot do without."

Mark, looking embarrassed, said to the shrink, "It's different. I feel myself...err...physically drawn to my cat."

Dr. Lowe looks at Mark and says, "Is your cat a 'he or a 'she'?

Mark, looking offended says, "Its a female cat, doc. Do I look gay to you??"

The irresistible offer

Robert, the smart new manager, impresses one and all at his workplace.

One day, his Boss, Mr. Jenkins calls him in his cabin and says, "Robert, I must admit I am mighty impressed with you. I have a proposal for you. If you agree to marry my daughter, I'll make you a stakeholder in my company, give you a 5 million dollar annual salary plus perks, and the latest S-class of Mercedes Benz."

Robert is perplexed. He says, "Is something wrong with your daughter?"

Mr. Jenkins shows him a photograph of her and Robert shivers at the sight of the ugly girl in the photo.

Mr. Jenkins adds, "Err, she has other problems as well. She is dumb and she stutters."

Robert finally manages to say, "Thanks for the offer but she is not worth it."

Mr. Jenkins persists, "Listen son, I will give you a 10 million and buy you a mansion with a private beach."

Robert simply cannot say no to the irresistible offer, so he accepts thinking he will put a pillow over her head when they make out.

They get married and after a few months, Robert buys an expensive painting. He wants to hang it on the wall, so he says to his wife, "Can you get me a hammer.'

She stutters, "Ham-merr, need a ham-err"

Robert says, Also get some nails."

She stutters, "N-nails, need n-nails."

Robert hammers a nail into the wall when he hits his finger and shouts, "F**k!"

She stutters, "Pil-loww, get a pil-loww!"

Coming up

Sardar Santa Singh worked in a medical store as a cashier and was not too acquainted with facts of medicines. One day, the pharmacist was away on an errand, so Santa Singh had to take his place. A customer came along and asked for a medicine by it's name.

Since the medicine was not available at the counter, Santa Singh asked the helper boy to get it from the warehouse. The helper boy was taking long to get it, and the customer was getting impatient.

Seeing the customer getting edgy, and not knowing that the medicine was meant to help get an erection, Santa Singh tried to pacify him by saying, "Here sir, sit down. Yours coming up in minute."

It's a shame

It was Mona's first date and she was mighty excited about it.

Grandma was very worried though, so she decided to have a little chat with her granddaughter.

She said to Mona, "Mona, my dear, you need to know a few things about guys, before you go for your first date. He will try to give you a smooch, and you may feel good about it, but you need to stop him."

Mona nodded her head.

Grandma went on, "You don't know these young boys. Next he will try to squeeze your melons. You may feel good about it, but you need to stop him."

Mona nodded again.

Grandma continued, "He will also try to rub you in the wrong places, you may feel good about it too, but you need to stop him. But above all this, he may try to climb on top of you and have his way with you. You may feel good but you certainly need to stop him! It will bring shame to your family"

After the enlightenment, Mona went ahead with her date. When she returned home, she seemed to be very happy.

Grandma wanted to know all about it.

Mona said to her, "Oh Grandma, I did not let Tom bring shame to our family. When he tried to do all those things you said, I climbed on top of him and brought shame to HIS family!!"

Feeling guilty

Mary goes to a shrink and tells him her concerns.

She says, "Doc, I need help. I have this problem - whenever I date a nice guy, I end up sleeping with him. Later, I carry guilt that lasts for several days and I go into depression."

The shrink says, "Hmmm...from what you just told me, I understand you want me to help you strengthen your will power and resistance."

"Good lord, No!!" exclaimed Mary. "Why on earth would I want that? I want you to help me not feel guilty and depressed later."

Who is your wife seeing?

Three friends - Bob, Joe and Mark are having beer at their regular watering hole.

Bob says to his friends, "I found plumbing tools in my wife's wardrobe. I think she is seeing a plumber."

Joe says, "I found a first-aid box in my wife's wardrobe. I think she is seeing a doctor."

Mark adds, "Wait till you hear what I have to say. I found a cowboy hiding in my wife's wardrobe. I think she is seeing a horse!"

Measures

Amy came home crying. "Mom, I am going to have a baby", she sobbed.

Her mom, Dorothy, visibly upset, said to her, "You are only 18. Didn't I ask you to take measures??"

Amy replied, "But I did. I measured them all and chose the one who had the biggest." 

Father Jonathan

Sister Nancy announced as soon as she came into the room where Sister Judy and Sister Martha were sewing clothes,"I was doing some dusting work in Father Jonathan's room and guess what I found. A whole bunch of dirty magazines!"

Sister Judy asked, "What did you do with those magazines?"

Sister Nancy replied, "I tore them up and threw them in the dustbin."

Sister Judy said, "I have something to share too. When I was in Father Jonathan's room to put away the laundry, I found a pack of condoms."

Sister Martha, who was quiet till now, asked, "What did you do with the condoms?"

Sister Judy replied,  "I used a needle to make holes in all of them. Then I put them back where I found them."

Sister Martha fainted.

God's gift

Pastor Graham had a request to make to the congregation. His wife Jany was expecting and he wanted a raise.

So, a meeting was held and it was decided that every time Pastor Graham's family grew, his remuneration would increase.

Years passed by and the good pastor had 7 children. The expense on the pastor's family was becoming a matter of concern for the entire congregation. Three was a lot of discussion on how the pastor's ever-growing family was putting a hole in the church's purse. Also how much more would it cost in the future.

Pastor Graham interrupted the discussion and said, "Children are the Lord's gift, and we shall have as many as He chooses to give us."

There was a pin-drop silence.

A fiery old woman got up and said, "Rain is also God's gift, but when there is too much of it, we wear rubbers."

The old machine

Alex Wagner, a wealthy 82 year old businessman, marries Elie, a 24 year old girl from the country.

A year goes by and Elie delivers a baby. Dr. Johnson comes out of the delivery room and congratulates Alex telling him that his wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy.

The old man says proudly, "The old machine is still up and running!"

A year later, Elie gives birth to another child. Dr. Johnson comes out of the delivery room and congratulates the old man telling him that his wife gave birth to a healthy baby girl. Old Alex says proudly, "The old machine is still up and running!"

Another year goes by and Elie delivers a third baby. Dr. Johnson again greets and congratulates the old businessman for a son that his wife had delivered again. Alex is elated and announces once again, "The old
machine is still up and running!"

The good doctor can't take it any more, so he blurts out, "I know, but I suggest you get the oil changed because this one is black!"

Worn out!

The elderly Mrs. Caroll walked into Dr. O Brien's clinic.

Dr. O Brien, a renowned gynac, asked Mrs. Caroll to lie down for a check up.

The good doctor switched on his goose-neck lamp and was having trouble holding the lamp in one place to be able to see properly.

Dr O Brien commented to the nurse, "It seems to have worn out."

Mrs. Caroll sat up and exclaimed, "I am 77. What do you expect, doc?"

That's life for you!

My friend Sahil was looking so down and depressed, I had to ask him what was wrong.

His reply was, "How worse can my luck get? You know Sara the nympho, I was hoping to have a good time with her and she said, let's just be friends."

A Stroke

Sir Santa Singh ji came home early one day only to find strange sounds coming from the bedroom.
He ran to the bedroom and pushed open the door only to find his wife lying naked on the bed, sweating profusely and breathing heavily.

He asked her, "What's going on? Are you all right?"

His wife Billo cried aloud, "I'm having a stroke!"

He rushed out of the bedroom and ran for the phone. He called the family doc and was about to inform the the doc about his wife's condition, when his little son came running and said, "Papa, I just saw Uncle Banta hiding in your closet and he is not wearing any clothes!!"

Sir Santa Singh ji gets really mad. He rushes to the bedroom and forces the closet door open. And lo, he finds Banta Singh ji hiding in the closet, in his birthday suit.

Santa Singh ji screams at Banta Singh "You fool, my wife is having a stroke and here you are, running around and scaring the kids!"

Old Uncle Alec

Uncle Alec was taking his evening walk when he chanced upon a lady of the night, who was leaning against a lamp post.

The lady called out to Uncle Alec, "Hey old man, why don't you give it a try?"

Uncle Alec replied, "No, young lady, I don't think I can."

The woman persisted, "Oh come on, let's give it a try!"

Uncle Alec agreed and went with her into a seedy hotel room. He surprised her with the rigour with which he performed.

The woman said, "I can't believe you said you don't think you can! You performed like a young boy!"

Uncle Alec replied, "Oh that!! That's not a problem at all, what I can't do is pay!"

Priest Donald

Priest Donald was feeling upbeat after conducting a charged up revival meeting, and decided to take a walk.

He saw a woman of the night leaning against the lamp-post. Priest Donald said in a powerful voice, "Woman, I prayed for you last night."

"Well, you could have had me if you had come here," she said seductively. "I was standing right here all night long."

Hot new doc

Dirty Harry went to a new doctor, only to find that the new doc was a good looking blonde female. He gaped at her and then felt embarrassed.

 

The lady doctor said, "There's nothing to worry, you are with a professional. I have seen it all before, just tell me your problem and I will check you up."

 

Dirty Harry thought quickly and said, "My missus thinks that my rod tastes funny."

A matter of seconds

Danny quizzes his friend Sandy, "Tell me, what similarities do you find in a burnt toast and your pregnant girlfriend?

 

Sandy answers, "This one's easy. In both cases, you wonder why you did not withdraw couple of seconds earlier!"

What are you doing this evening?

Rebecca, the curvy blonde secretary, came out from the cabin of her boss. She was shaking with anger, so a colleague asked her what was wrong.

Rebecca said,"The Boss asked me what was I doing this evening."

The colleague asked, "So what did you say?"

Rebecca answered, "I said I was doing nothing. He gave me 50 pages to type!"