Really funny jokes-Almost got caught

The employees at the factory where Paddy worked soon discovered that every Tuesday afternoon the boss would always leave work early, not to return that day. So they all decided that if they all left early after him, they could have the rest of the day off, and the boss would be none the wiser.

So, the next Tuesday afternoon, after the boss had left, all of the employees went home. But when Paddy got home, he saw through his front window his boss making passionate love to his wife.

The following Tuesday, when everyone else was leaving the factory, Paddy kept right on working. One of his workmates came up to him: "Hey, Paddy, aren't you going home? The boss has already left for the day".

Says Paddy, "No way! Last week I almost got caught".

Clean jokes-Selling Cheezels

Did you hear about the guy who made a million dollars in Ireland selling Cheezels?

He sold them as doughnut seeds.

Funny jokes-Fire prevention alarm system

Fire investigators on Maui, Hawaii, USA, have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month: a short circuit in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system.

'This is even worse than last year,' said the distraught homeowner, 'when someone broke in and stole my new security system.'

One line jokes-Pianist

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

Really funny jokes-Spell what your father does

The teacher says to her new class, "For our first lesson, each of you will stand up, tell us your name, what your father does, spell what your father does, and then explain it to us. All right, Billy. You go first."

Billy stands up and says, "My name's Billy. My father's a lawyer, l-a-w-y-e-r, and he defends people in court."

The teacher says, "Very good. All right, Benjamin."

Tyrone stands up and says, "My name's Benjamin. My father's a pharmacist, f-a-m... f-a-r-n... f-n..."

The teacher says, "Benjamin, you go home tonight and learn how to spell pharmacist. All right, Angelo."

Angelo stands up and says, "My name's Angelo. My old man's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e, and if he was here, he'd give you nine-to-five odds Benjamin ain't spellin' pharmacist by tomorrow."

Office jokes-Final excuses for skipping out of work

1. I have a bunch of old parking tickets, and if I don’t pay them I’m going to be arrested.

2. The police are at the back door. Cover me.

3. I’m having my nails done.

4. I’m having my colors done.

5. I’m having my head examined.

6. I’m going to the bank.

7. I’m going to sleep.

8. I’m going over the edge.

9. A friend of mine is dying and I have to go to the hospital.

10. A friend of mine has died and I have to go to the funeral parlor.

11. A friend of mine is being reincarnated and I have to go to the zoo.

12. I need to check out the hole in the ozone layer.

3. I need to check into a rest home.

14. I’m breaking in my shoes.

15. I’m breaking up with my boyfriend.

16. I’m breaking out.

17. I have to pick up my dry cleaning.

18. I have to pick out a car.

19. Salman Rushdie is coming in to talk about his idea for a book on Christian fundamentalists. I thought I’d go to a ball game instead.

Short funny jokes-First clue

Q: What is your first clue you are checking in to a kinky hotel?

A: The doorman flashes you on the way in.

Funny jokes-Hung!

A man is lounging in his favorite chair, drinking a beer, while his wife is cutting the lawn.

A lady walking by sees this and yells at the man: "You should be hung!"

The man takes a drink of his beer, and says to the lady: "I am. That's why she's cutting the grass."

Really funny jokes-Moving furniture

Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture.

"Why didn't you wait till your husband got home?" someone asked.

"I could have," my mother told the group," but the couch is easier to move if he's not on it."

Hilarious jokes-Recycling a tampon

Q. How do you recycle a used tampon?

A. As a tea-bag for vampires.

Funny jokes-How big is the Baby?

I am seven months pregnant and my 8 year old daughter asks me how big the baby is now. I tell her it's roughly the size of a large banana.

She replies: "Then why is your butt the size of a watermelon?"

Really funny jokes-Bad golf

Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked,

"You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"

"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you know?"

"Easy," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"

Finance jokes-Economist's wife

"I'm thinking of leaving my husband," complained the economist's wife.

"All he ever does is stand at the end of the bed and tell me how good things are going to be."

One line jokes-Austin Powers pickup line

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

Really funny jokes-Employed by a Psychiatrist

"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?"

"Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win...

If I was late to work, I was hostile.

If I was early, I had an anxiety complex.

If I was on time, I was compulsive."

Animal jokes-Monkey in a minefield

What do you call a monkey in a minefield ?

A Baboom !

Short funny jokes-Fishing and politics

Many people will spend the summer occupied with fishing and politics.

In fishing you use a worm, and in politics a worm uses you.

Really funny jokes-End Of The World Headlines

End Of The World Headlines

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

USA Today : WE'RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal : DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer : O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated : GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone : THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: 'BYE

Discover Magazine : HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW " ARMAGEDDON" DIET!

America Online : SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

TIME magazine: RENEW YOUR SUBSCRIPTION FOR ETERNITY

Yo Mama jokes-On a rainbow

Yo momma is so fat. She sat on a rainbow and skittles popped out!

Hilarious jokes-Woof

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”

Funny jokes-Politician

A politician was running for re-election and was talking at a campaign stop to his constituents.

"My opponent has called me a liar. Rest assured, I have never lied to you. The only problem I have is that the facts don't always match up with what I believe."

Really funny jokes-Webbed feet

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

Finance jokes-Three types of Investors

There are primarily 3 different types of investors who post on the message boards.
1. Those who don't know anything: approx. 10%
2. Those who know a little: approx. 10%
3. Those who don't realize they don't know anything: approx. 80%

One line jokes-Bicycle

A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

Funny jokes-Back to Earth

Three men - an Australian, a Jew, and an Abo - are crossing the road, when a bus runs them all over, killing them instantly. They appear before Saint Peter, who prepares to let them into Heaven.
The three plead and beg to be allowed to go back, as they're only young and haven't led full lives. Eventually, Saint Peter relents and lets them go back to earth - on the one condition that they each pay him $500.
The Aussie pays his $500 straight away, and BANG!!, he's back in the same street he had just left. Immediately, he goes into the nearest pub, and tells all of his mates his amazing story.
Of course, they don't believe him. "So," asks one mate, "if all this is true, then where's the Jew and the Abo?".
"Well," says the Aussie, "when I left them, the Jew had him down to $100, and the Abo was arguing that the government should pay for it".

SMS jokes-Good thing about snow

There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbour's.

Really funny jokes-More Laws of Golf

LAW 1: Golf carts always run out of power at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 2: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 3: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 4: Golf balls from the same sleeve tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law 3).

LAW 5: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 6: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 7: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 8: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 9: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 10: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until sunset.

Yo Mama jokes-M&M

Yo momma is so stupid. She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

Insurance jokes-Actuary and the Farmer

An actuary and a farmer were traveling by train. When they passed a flock of sheep in a meadow, the actuary said, "There are 1248 sheep out there."

The farmer replied, "Amazing. By chance, I know the owner, and the figure is absolutely correct. How did you count them so quickly?"

The actuary answered, "Easy, I just counted the number of legs and divided by four."

Funny jokes-The Laws of Golf

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up" or else invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

Hilarious jokes-What not to put on a resume

These are some (allegedly) real-life examples of what NOT to put on a resume.

-- "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."

-- "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

-- "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

-- "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."

-- "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."

-- "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

-- "I am a rabid typist."

-- "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."

-- "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."

-- "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."

-- "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."

-- "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."

-- "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

-- "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

-- "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail."

-- "Qualifications: No education or experience."

-- "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."

-- Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

Really funny jokes-Statistician's theory

A famous statistician would never travel by airplane, because he had studied air travel and estimated the probability of there being a bomb on any given flight was 1 in a million, and he was not prepared to accept these odds. One day a colleague met him at a conference far from home. "How did you get here, by train?"

"No, I flew"

"What about your theory on the possibility of a bomb?"

"Well, I began thinking that if the odds of one bomb are 1:million, then the odds of TWO bombs are (1/1,000,000) x (1/1,000,000). This is a very, very small probability, which I can accept. So, now I bring my own bomb along!"

One line jokes-Middle age

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Funny jokes-Behaving oddly

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.

The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”

Animal jokes-So fast

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

Really funny jokes-Water the lawn

Will - Why do you water your lawn with whisky?

Guy - So that it comes up half-cut.

Doctor jokes-Huge heart

A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

Funny jokes-Baby powder

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife,

"Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unnoticed.

The next morning the husband took a pair of his underwear out of his drawer.

"What the heck is this??" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out. "Maria!," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put baby powder in my underwear?"

She replied with a giggle..."It's not baby powder...... It's 'Miracle Grow'!"

Really funny jokes-At the old folks home

An elderly couple were sitting in the old folks home when the bloke turns to the woman next to him and says, "How about a bit of nookie?" The woman agrees and they go along to his room.

After the act is done the guy turns to the woman and says, "If I had known you were still a virgin I would have asked you to make love sooner."

The woman replies, "And if I had known that you could get such a big one I would have taken my tights off."

Funny joke-Airbag

Q. What do you call a blonde behind a steering wheel?

A. An airbag.

Funny jokes-Insurance agent

Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.

Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV:

"Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package."

Doctor jokes-Well constructed miss

During her annual checkup, the well constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.

"Doctor," she replied shyly,

"I just can't undress in front of you."

"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness:

"Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"

"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

Really funny stuff-A Healthy Valentine

Cabbage always has a heart;
Green beans string along.
You're such a Tomato,
Will you Peas to me belong?

You've been the Apple of my eye,
You know how much I care;
So Lettuce get together,
We'd make a perfect Pear.

Now, something's sure to Turnip,
To prove you can't be Beet;
So, if you Carrot all for me
Let's let our tulips meet.

Don't Squash my hopes and dreams now,
Bee my Honey, dear;
Or tears will fill Potato's eyes,
While Sweet Corn lends an ear.

I'll Cauliflower shop and say
Your dreams are Parsley mine.
I'll work and share my Celery,
So be my valentine.

Adult jokes-Eat you

The newly wed wife wakes up her husband and says,"Breakfast is ready. You need to eat something before going outdoors to work on the barn."

He says, "All I want to eat is you." And he does.

She throws away his breakfast.

He come in at noontime and she says, "I fixed you a nice lunch to eat, since you didn't have breakfast."

He says, "All I want to eat is you." And he does.

She throws away his lunch.

When he comes in late in the evening he finds his wife is naked and sliding down the bannister, running back up the stairs, and sliding down again. In total bewilderment he ask what she is doing.

She says, "For breakfast you ate me. For lunch you ate me. I'm just warming up your dinner."

Funny jokes-Goes in dry

Q. What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?

A. A tea bag.

Yo Mama jokes-High heels

Yo momma is so fat, every time she wears high heels, she strikes oil.

Really funny jokes-Throw out of window

Three men were taking a trip on a plane. When they get on the pilot tells the passengers not to throw anything out of the windows. The plane lifts off and they're on their way. On the plane the first man finds a pencil and wondering what to do with it. He is told by one of the other men to throw it out the window, so he does. Then the second guy finished his apple and wondering how to get rid of the core. He asks the other two men, they tell him to throw it out the window, so he does. Next the third man finds a grenade! Panicking he throws it out the window.

After the plane had landed the three men were walking down the street when they came across a guy holding his eye. The three men asked him what happened, he said he had looked up in the sky and a pencil fell and hit him in the eye. So the three men continued down the street and they come across a man holding his head, the three ask him what's wrong? The man says that he was walking down the street and an apple core fell on his head! Feeling a little strange the men continue down the street when they come across a man holding his stomach laughing his head off! The three ask him what's so funny? The man replies, I farted and that building exploded!