Good jokes-A cow from Alberta

The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.

However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the rabbi what was happening; "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Alberta?"

The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Alberta?

"The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Alberta."

Really funny jokes-Two Irishmen fishing

Two Irishmen are out fishing for the day, and they have a great time; with the fish grabbing the hooks as fast as they can get them into the water. Finally, with the boat full of as many fish as it will hold, they decide it's time to head for shore.
"But listen," says Mick, "why don't we mark the spot?"
"No problem," says Paddy, who dives into the water and paints a big black X on the bottom of the boat.
Mick beams with pleasure, and they're almost back to the dock when his face wrinkles in consternation. "Oh, no!" he cries to Paddy, "what if we don't get the same boat?".

Hilarious jokes-Expedition across Sahara Desert

An Englishman, an American, and an Irishman planned an expedition across the Sahara Desert, and at the appointed time each shows up with the luggage critical to his survival.

Motioning to his umbrella, the Englishman says, "It's going to be hot out there, roaming across the desert, so I've brought something to keep the sun off me".

The American says "What's really needed here is good old American know-how, so I've brought along a portable air-conditioner to keep me cool throughout the day."

They look across at the Irishman, who is carrying nothing but a right front door to a 1968 Holden. "It's going to be a scorcher out there," he explains, "and so when it gets too hot, I want to be able to wind down the car window."

Clean jokes-Answers in the Bible

There was a guy who owned his own business. He sold plastics to many different companies. One day one of his warehouses burnt to the ground. This led to many orders being canceled and a loss of customers. The insurance company was not going to cover the damage. This guy was in real trouble. He could lose everything.

Well, the guy decided to see his minister. He said to the minister, "I need help! My warehouse burnt to the ground, my product is all gone, my customers are leaving, and I am losing everything!"

The minister told him, "You can find all the answers to your problems in the Bible."

The guy asked, "Where should I start?"

The minister answered, "If you do not know where to look, just open the book and place your finger on the page, and start right there. Sooner or later you will find your answers."

Well, A few months later the minister ran into the individual. It was obvious the individual had become very successful. He had a new car, new clothes, several rings and chains.

The guy walks over to the minister and says, "Thank you. The answers I found turned my life around!"

The minister was curious and said, "In what passage did you find your answers?"

The man says, "I did just what you said. I opened the Bible to a spot, looked down, and found my answer staring me right in the face - "Chapter 11."

Really funny jokes-Turpentine

Paddy and Mick, both farmers, met one day at a Kilkenny fair.
"Tell me," said Paddy, "what did you give your mule when he had colic?"
"Turpentine," said Mick.
A few months later they met again.
"What did you say you gave your mule when he had colic?" asked Paddy.
"Turpentine," said Mick.
"Well, I gave my mule turpentine, and he died," said Paddy.
"That's strange," said Dave, "so did mine."

Short funny jokes-Smart ass

What is the definition of a smart ass?

Someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is.

Animal jokes-Elephant crossing road

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?

A: Chicken's day off.

Funny jokes-Recognize

An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Shannon Airport.
"I've come to meet my brother," said the Irishman. "He's due to fly in from America in an hour's time. It's his first trip home in forty years".
"Will you be able to recognize him?" asked the American.
"I'm sure I won't," said the Irishman, "after all, he's been away for a long time".
"I wonder if he'll recognize you?" said the American.
"Of course he will," said the Irishman. "Sure, an' I haven't been away at all".

Hilarious jokes-Return tickets

Fifteen minutes after the Titanic sank, Israel and Abraham find themselves on the same overturned lifeboat. The water is freezing, sharks are cruising by, and the boat is slowly sinking.

"Oh, well" said Israel, "It could have been worse".

"Worse? How could it be worse?", screamed Abraham.

"Well, we could have bought return tickets!"

Really funny stuff-Joke's on you

Young Patrick is walking down Dublin's main street. Suddenly a man leaps out at him and punches him in the face.

"There you are, Mick, that'll teach you!", The man shouts.

But to his attacker's surprise, Patrick just laughs.

"So Mick, you're laughing; I'll hit you again!"

"Ha ha ha!", laughs Patrick, "the joke's on you. I'm not Mick!"

Good jokes-Scottish on a free trip

McTavish, on a free trip to the pokies, had spent the entire two dollars he had brought along without winning a cent.

Thoroughly disgusted, he stalked off to visit the gents and discovered that he needed 20 cents to use one of the cubicles.

A man standing nearby gave him the necessary coin, but just as McTavish was about to use it he spotted someone leaving, so he grabbed the door before it slammed shut and got in for free.

And so, with a spare 20 cents to spend, he returned to the machines and had a final fling.

And wouldn't you know it? He scored the $10,000 jackpot!

McTavish was ecstatic. "If it hadnae been for yon laddie I'd no ha' won," he exclaimed, "The mon deserves to be rewarded - I'll give him his twenty cents back.

Teacher jokes-Where is your homework?

Teacher: Where is your homework?

Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren't the best teacher in the school.

Really funny jokes-Heavenly slide

Three men, an Australian, a Scotsman, and an Irishman, are crossing the road, when a bus runs them all over, killing them instantly. They appear before Saint Peter, who prepares to let them into Heaven.

But when Saint Peter looks at his clipboard, he gets all embarrassed. Shamefaced, he explains that there's been a mix-up, and that the three shouldn't have been killed today at all. To make up for it, Saint Peter says that they can ride down on the Heavenly slide back to earth, and if they yell out their favourite drink on the way down, then they'll land in a big vat of it, and they can drink to their hearts' content.

The Aussie is first on the slide. On the way down, he shouts out "Aussie beer", and he lands in a large vat of beer, and starts guzzling it down.

The Scotsman is next on the slide. On the way down, he shouts out "Scotch whiskey", and he lands in a large vat of whiskey, and starts to drink as much as he possibly can.

Last one to go is the Irishman. On the way down, he's having such a fun ride on the slide, that he shouts out "Wheeeeee".

Hilarious jokes-Berserk woman

An Irishman and a Jew were in a pub watching TV late one night when the eleven o'clock news came on. The first sensational story was of a berserk woman poised on a window ledge seven storeys up.
"I'll bet you a hundred dollars she won't jump," said the Irishman to the Jew.
"You got a deal," said the Jew, sticking his hand out a few moments later when the woman plunged to a gory death. The Irishman sadly forked over the money and ordered another drink, only to look up in astonishment as the other fellow tugged on his sleeve and tried to hand the hundred dollars back.
"It's all yours," the Irishman protested. "You won the bet fair and square."
"Nah," said the Jew, "I saw it all happen on the six o'clock news."
"I saw it happen on the six o'clock news, too," said the Irishman, "but I never thought she'd do it again at eleven."

Good jokes-Rigorous entrance exam

A young Irishman wanted to become a cop, and went for the rigorous entrance exam; the last question of which was "Who killed Christ?"

The would-be cop went home excitedly, and said to his wife, "Hey, honey, I think they're putting me on a murder case already!"

Really funny jokes-Cock fight

How can you tell if an Irishman is present at a cock fight?
He enters a duck.

How can you tell if a Pole is present?
He bets money on the duck.

How can you tell if an Italian is present?
The duck wins.

Yo mama jokes-Aircraft carrier

I know yo mama from personal experience. She's just like an aircraft carrier, has a flat top, a big bottom, cruises up and down the coast, and picks up 100 sailors in every port.

Teacher jokes-Vocab lesson

The English teacher in a school in Spanish Harlem decided it was time for the weekly vocabulary lesson.

"What's the difference between select and choose... Ramone?" she asked.

"Select is when you pick something," he answered, "and choose are what Puerto Ricans wear on their feet."

Short funny jokes-Play marbles

Mummy, mummy can I play marbles now?
Shut up son, you can't use grandpa's glass eye today!

Funny jokes-Irishman in Post office

An Irishman goes to his local post office with a parcel for his mother in Dublin.

"This parcel is too heavy" the post office clerk tells him, "you'll need to put some more stamps on it".

Says the Irishman in amazement, "And, if I put some more stamps on it, the parcel will get lighter?"

Good jokes-Six day war

Just after the Six Day War between Israel and Egypt, a TV reporter had an interview with the Israeli general, Moshe Dayan.

Reporter: "Tell me, general, how did the Israelis finish the war in only six days?"

"Well, we only had the tanks on a week's approval!"

Really funny jokes-Miss the wife

Two cannibals are having dinner together.

The guest says to his host, "Your wife sure makes a great meal."

"Yeah, but I'm going to miss her" his friend replies.

Funny hilarious jokes-Athiest in the Ocean

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.

As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"

In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"

Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"

The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."

Clean jokes-The hearing

A healing Pastor came to a church. There was a long line to see him. It was a little boy's turn in line and he said it was his hearing.

So, the healing Pastor grabbed his ears and said a prayer.

The Pastor let go and asked, "hows your hearing now''.

"I don't know.. it's not till Friday," replied the boy.

Funny jokes-Best bar pick up line

Best bar pick-up line in Kentucky:

"Hey, you sure don't sweat much for a fat woman."

Really good stuff-10 Words that don't exist but should

10 Words That Don't Exist But Should ......

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Animal jokes-Why do Reindeer have red noses

Q. Why do reindeer have red noses?

A. They are not equipped with ABS and thus tend to bump into things on slippery surfaces. This is why Santa is often seen with a red nose (the sleigh doesn't have an airbag, either).

Doctor jokes-Good & bad news

The doctor tells his patient: "Dianne, I have some good news and some bad news."

Dianne asks for the good news first.

"Well, the test results are in, and the good news is that you aren't suffering from Pre-menstrual Syndrome, as you'd feared."

"And the bad news?" Dianne asks.

To which the Doc replies: "I'm afraid there's no cure for being a natural sly."

Really funny jokes-Weight machine

A nun was sitting at the airport waiting for her flight to Chicago. She looked over & saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune.

Deciding to give it a try, she went to the machine, stepped on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card saying, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 Lbs and you're going to Chicago".

The nun sat back down & told herself the machine probably gives the same reading to Everyone. The more she thought about it, the more curious she was, so she decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine and put another nickel in. Out came a card, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago and you're going to play a fiddle.The nun said to herself, I know this is wrong. I've never played a musical instrument In my life. She went back to her seat. Then, a cowboy came and sat down, putting his fiddle on the seat between them.

Without thinking, she opened the case, took out the fiddle and started playing. Surprised at what she'd done, she looked at the machine and decided to try again.

She went back and put in another nickel. The card said "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago & you're going to break wind."

Now, she knew the machine was wrong. She'd never broken wind in public in her life. But getting off the scale, she slipped and straining to keep from falling, she broke wind.

Stunned, she sat down and looked at the machine, thinking I have to try this again. She went back to the machine and dropped in another nickel.

Another Card came out. It read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you've fiddled & farted around & missed your flight to Chicago.

Short funny jokes-Lawnmower

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawnmower?
 
A: The green WELCOME mat is ripped all to shreds.

Funny jokes-Irish Car pool

Did you hear about the Irish car pool?

They all meet at work.

Hilarious jokes-Back to Earth

Three men, an Italian, a Jew, and a Greek, are crossing the road, when a bus runs them all over, killing them instantly. They appear before Saint Peter, who prepares to let them into Heaven.

The three plead and beg to be allowed to go back, as they're only young and haven't led full lives. Eventually Saint Peter relents and lets them go back to earth - on the one condition that they give up the one thing that each of them wants most of all in life, not even to attempt to attain it.

BANG!! They're back in the same street they came from, all a bit shocked by the experience.
Within a few minutes, they're passing by a pizza shop. The Italian can't help himself, he runs in, and just as he's about to take a bite of pizza, BANG!!, the Italian disappears - he's gone back to Heaven.

The other two are quite shocked by this, but then continue on walking. Just then, a dollar coin rolls across the footpath in front of the two men. The Jew can't help himself, he bends over, and just as he's about to pick up the coin, BANG!!, the Greek disappears.

Really funny jokes-Marooned for five years

An Italian, a Jew, and an Irishman are marooned on a desert island for five years. One day, while walking along the beach, one of them comes across an old bottle. He rubs it and out comes a genie, who is empowered to grant each of them their dearest wish:

"Ah," says the Italian, "let me go back to the Old Country, where the wine is sweet and the women are beautiful." BANG! He vanishes.

"For me," says the Jew, "I want to go to the Holy Land and live out the rest of my days with my people." BANG! He vanishes.

"Gee," says the Irishman, "it's so hard to choose what to ask for. I wish my two friends were back here to help me decide."

Animal jokes-Rabbit's Ph.D. Thesis

Scene : It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter. Along comes a fox, out for a walk.
Fox "What are you working on?"
Rabbit "My thesis."
Fox "Hmmm. What's it about?"
Rabbit "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes." (incredulous pause)
Fox "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes."
Rabbit "Sure they do, and I can prove it. Come with me."
They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few minutes, the rabbit returns, alone, to his typewriter and resumes typing.

Soon, a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.
Wolf "What's that you're writing?"
Rabbit "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves." (loud guffaws)
Wolf "You don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"
Rabbit "No problem. Do you want to see why?"
The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbit returns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing.

Scene : inside the rabbit's burrow. In one corner, there is a pile of fox bones. In another corner, a pile of wolf bones. On the other side of the room, a huge lion is belching and picking his teeth.

Moral: It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis subject. It doesn't matter what you use for data. What does matter is who you have for a thesis advisor.

Really good stuff - Types of farts

Plain one - One-second duration, nice resonant reverberation, and pungent odor cloud with a nearly instantaneous 5-foot radius. Your standard, everyday, friendly fart.

Eggy - Smells very much like rotten eggs (or hydrogen sulfide). A powerful odor which tends to put people off lunch. Often rips out in the fashion of a Bun buster (see below).

Ripper - Sends seismic ripples to the next town. Rips the seams in the crotch of your pants. This fart genuinely hurts, and you can still feel it 20 minutes later. Anyone sitting nearby may experience hearing loss.

Diesel - Sputters to a start, but then keeps putt-putting along spewing out an endless cloud of dirty, noxious fumes.
Surprise! You didn't even know that it was there, but suddenly . . . 'BRRMP!'

Gunshot - Sounds just like a gunshot. Unbelievably loud indoors. Hard to believe that this emanates from between your buttocks. Bullet explodes into billions of virulent odor molecules. Gunshot farts are relatively rare but, like guns, very dangerous.

Hydrated - The original wet fart, which leaves a mark on your pants and gives you a cold wet sticky sensation when you walk. Try to avoid this one if you're wearing white trousers.

Good jokes-Fire at warehouse

Two Jewish businessmen meet in the street.
"Oy, Abraham, I'm sorry to hear about that fire at your warehouse".
"Ssh!" hisses the other, "It's not till next week".

Shoaib Malik joke in Hindi-Marriage to Ayesha

This is how Ayesha got married to Shoaib on phone.

Ayesha - "Hello Shoaib Afghanistan ka capital kya hai

Shoaib - "Kabul" hai

Ayesha - Sunai nahi de raha hai!

Shoaib - "Kabul" hai

Ayesha - Arre baba phir se bolo.

Shoaib - "Kabul" hai "Kabul" hai "Kabul" hai

The marriage ceremony was completed..

Funny farm jokes-Helping your father

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man.

"My father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the minister said.

"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."

Really funny jokes-Infidelity

A Irishman suspected his wife of infidelity and began to follow her movements. Sure enough, his suspicions were justified. Coming home from work early, he burst into the bedroom, catching his wife and her lover in the act; and, crazed with grief, he put the pistol to his own head.

"Don't laugh!" he shouted when his wife burst out in giggles, "You're next!"

Abo jokes-Rolling down

Q: What do you call 50 Abos rolling down a hill?
A: An Abolanche.

Clean jokes-We've got all that

A Texan died and went to heaven where St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates.

“Show me what you got, Pete,” said Tex.

St. Peter swung open the gates and revealed a beautiful landscape of mountains, rivers, streams, trees, flowers and all the trimmings.

“We’ve got that in Texas. We call it King Ranch,” said Tex.

St. Pete flashed up a scene of men, women and children frolicking on the countryside, swinging, swimming, riding horses, bicycling, etc.

“We’ve got that, too. We call it Six Flags.”

Whereupon St. Peter threw open a trapdoor of the fires of Hell and out shot a huge ball of fire followed by a solid stream of flame sweeping over the entire area. The blinding light and heat were enormous.

“We don’t have that,” said Tex, “but we’ve got a guy in Houston who can put it out.”

Short funny jokes-High tech

Did you hear about the baby born in the high tech delivery room?

It was cordless!

Really funny jokes on Tiger Woods

Difference between playing golf and driving a car?
In golf, Tiger can stay out of the trees.

Funny sardar jokes-When angry

Santa : "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her."
Banta : "And when you are angry, what do you do?"
Santa : "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.

Funny jokes-Daycare center

She was so blonde...
She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

Short funny jokes - Working late

A young accountant stayed late at the office day after day.

Finally, the boss called him in and asked for an explanation.

"Well, you see sir," he stammered, "my wife works, too -- and if I get home before she does, I have to cook the dinner."

Really funny jokes - Blonde on a plane

There is a blonde on a plane to New York. She is sitting in the first class section, but her ticket says that she should be in the coach section.

A flight attendant realizes the blonde's mistake and asks her politely to move. The blonde won't move.

She says, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."

The flight attendant goes and tells all of the other flight attendants. They all try to persuade the blonde to move, but she won't move.

She says again, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."

The flight attendants go and tell the pilot about the obnoxious blonde. They tell him the only thing that she says. He puts the plane on auto-pilot and whispers something in the blonde's ear.

Immediately, she gets up and moves to her normal seat. Then the pilot goes back to fly the plane. The flight attendants are all very curious about how the pilot made the blonde move so quickly.

They ask him and he says, "Oh, it was easy. All I had to do was tell her that the first class section wasn't going to New York!"

Short funny jokes-Next period

What did the Dracula say to his teacher?
See you next Period!

Hilarious quotes by the comedians

Following are four hilarious quotes by famous comedians

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."
--Elayne Boosler


"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
--Sue Murphy


"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there."
--Ron Richards

Really funny jokes-Hanukkah Tree

Admiring the Christmas trees displayed in his neighbor's windows, a child asks his father, "Daddy, can we have a Hanukkah Tree?"
"What? No, of course not." says his father.
"Why not?" asks the child again.
Bewildered, his father replies, "Because the last time we had dealings with a lighted bush we spent 40 years in the wilderness."

Redneck jokes

You might be a redneck if

You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

Funny jokes - Husband Wife

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Hilarious jokes - Husband

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

Office jokes-Parts manager

A parts manager for a small electronics shop, had occasion to order part No. 669 from the factory.

But when he received it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699 instead.

Furious at the factory's incompetence, he promptly sent the part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his mind.

Less than a week later, he received the same part back with a letter containing just four words: "TURN THE BOX OVER."

Really funny jokes-To Church for forgiveness

One time three very bad people felt guilty for the different crimes they committed and went to a church to ask god forgiveness. There, they found a priest.

So all three of them went to the priest. The first crook said "Oh, Father! I have killed an innocent man and now I am feeling very guilty! Please ask god to forgive me!" The priest murmured a blessing and told the crook "God has forgiven you my son, and now go and drink the water from the well of purity". The Father pointed toward a fountain with sparkling water. The first crook went and drank the water. "The water tastes weird" he said and went away.

The second crook came to the priest and said "Oh, Father! I have stolen alot of money from many people and now I am feeling very guilty! Please ask god to forgive me!" The priest murmured a blessing and said "God has forgiven you my son, and now go and drink the water from the well of purity". So the second crook went and drank the sparkling water in the fountain. "This water tastes funny", he said and went away.

Now only the third crook remained. "What is it that you did wrong, my son?" the priest asked. With an uneasy look the last crook said,"I peed in the well".