Two hydrogen atoms meet.
One says "I've lost my electron."
The other says "Are you sure?"
The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
One says "I've lost my electron."
The other says "Are you sure?"
The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
Really Funny Jokes
Friday, July 31, 2009
Really funny jokes-The Usher
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps, "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked. "No." she said. "Good," he answered.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked. "No." she said. "Good," he answered.
Humor jokes-Super models
Over drinks one evening two gentleman were having a discussion about the charms, or lack there-of of the super model Stephanie Seymour.
"I say she's highly over-rated," said one "Take away her eyes, her lips, her legs and that figure, and what have ya got?
"My wife" said the other with a heavy sigh!
"I say she's highly over-rated," said one "Take away her eyes, her lips, her legs and that figure, and what have ya got?
"My wife" said the other with a heavy sigh!
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Adult jokes-Old man turned 100
An old man turned 100 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together.A very pretty young woman of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.
"Are these your grandkids?" the reporter asked, somewhat suspicious.
"Naw, sir, they all be my younguns," the old man replied with a sly grin.
"Your kids?" said the reporter. "What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?"
"Naw, sir," said the old man. "She's my wife."
"Your wife?" said the surprised reporter.
"But she can't be more than 19 years old!"
"That's right," said the old man with pride.
"Well, surely you can't have a sex life with you being 100 and she being only 19," the reporter remarked.
"Yes, sir," said the old man. "We have sex every night. Each night two of my boys helps me on her, and every morning six of my boys helps me off."
"Wait just a minute," said the newspaperman, confused. "Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?"
"Because," the old man said, shaking a balled fist, "I fights 'em!"
Sports humor-Worst player
One day, John Smith decided to go to a new golf course where no one knew him, just to get away and see if he could do better elsewhere.
He hired a caddy to guide him around the course. After another day of slices, duff shots, misread putts and bad temper, he was obviously upset.
He turned to the caddy and said, "You know I must be the worst golfer in the world."
The caddy replied, "I think not sir, I have heard there is a guy named John Smith from across town who is the worst player ever!"
He hired a caddy to guide him around the course. After another day of slices, duff shots, misread putts and bad temper, he was obviously upset.
He turned to the caddy and said, "You know I must be the worst golfer in the world."
The caddy replied, "I think not sir, I have heard there is a guy named John Smith from across town who is the worst player ever!"
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Short funny jokes-Hee haw
What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."
Really funny jokes-Old prospector
An old prospector walked his tired old mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey, old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.
When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back, making a double clicking sound.
The gunslinger heard the sound and the crowd got real quiet.
Everyone watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around, looking down both barrels of the shotgun.
The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?"
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey, old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.
When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back, making a double clicking sound.
The gunslinger heard the sound and the crowd got real quiet.
Everyone watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around, looking down both barrels of the shotgun.
The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?"
Kids jokes-Ketchup
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Adult jokes-Bear hunting
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.'
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.
Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, ' That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex.'
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, 'Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?'
Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.'
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.
Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, ' That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex.'
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, 'Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?'
Blonde jokes-Intelligence
Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.
Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Adult jokes-Comparing notes
Three whores were comparing notes about their customers from the night before.
"I screwed a cowboy last night", said the first.
"How did you know he was a cowboy?" asked the second.
"Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both the hat and the boots on all the time we were screwing."
"Sounds like a cowboy, all right," the others agree.
"I screwed a lawyer," announced the second. "I could tell because he wore a three piece suit and packed a briefcase. He wore the vest of the suit and hung on to the briefcase all the time we were screwing."
They all agreed he sounded like a lawyer.
"I screwed a grain farmer," commented the third.
"How could you possibly know he was a grain farmer?" one asked.
"First he complained it was too dry, then he whined it was too wet, then he asked if he could pay me in the autumn."
"I screwed a cowboy last night", said the first.
"How did you know he was a cowboy?" asked the second.
"Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both the hat and the boots on all the time we were screwing."
"Sounds like a cowboy, all right," the others agree.
"I screwed a lawyer," announced the second. "I could tell because he wore a three piece suit and packed a briefcase. He wore the vest of the suit and hung on to the briefcase all the time we were screwing."
They all agreed he sounded like a lawyer.
"I screwed a grain farmer," commented the third.
"How could you possibly know he was a grain farmer?" one asked.
"First he complained it was too dry, then he whined it was too wet, then he asked if he could pay me in the autumn."
Really funny jokes- A few reasons why some women have cats and NOT husbands
1. A cat always comes in SOBER after being out all night.
2. When a cat goes to the toilet she tries not to leave a trace.
3. You can put a bell around a cat's neck so you know exactly where she is.
4. If you stroke a cat she won't leap on you for sex.
5. You don't mind that much if a cat brings a bird home every night.
6. When a cat comes in at midnight, it doesn't wake you up by smashing into the furniture.
7. Cats never pretend they know how to set the clock in the VCR.
8. Cats don't care what size your boobs are.
9. Cats still love you even when your perm goes wrong.
10. Cats love rubbing up to your legs no matter how much cellulite you have.
11. Cats can be neutered if they stray.
Sardar jokes-Waiter
Banta Singh went to eat in ramshackle hotel. To his surprise the waiter who came to serve him happened to be one of his classmate at school.
Banta called him and said 'Aren't you ashamed of working in a seedy joint like this?' 'Not at all,' replied the classmate. 'I would be ashamed if I ate my meal here. I only work in this place.'
Banta called him and said 'Aren't you ashamed of working in a seedy joint like this?' 'Not at all,' replied the classmate. 'I would be ashamed if I ate my meal here. I only work in this place.'
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Hilarious short jokes-A pun my word
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
Adult funny jokes-Chrome plated revolver
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.
"Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"
"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.....you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos."
"Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man.
Whadda you gonna do then....... pointa to you watch and say "Times up"?"
"Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"
"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.....you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos."
"Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man.
Whadda you gonna do then....... pointa to you watch and say "Times up"?"
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Really funny jokes-Technical support for Husband 1.0
A desperate woman writes to the Technical support Guy,
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate Woman
DEAR DESPERATE Madam,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7..0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.
Good Luck Madam!
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate Woman
DEAR DESPERATE Madam,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7..0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.
Good Luck Madam!
Clean jokes-The curse
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
Friday, July 24, 2009
Really funny jokes-Two birds one cone
A couple with a mutual craving for something sweet drove to the nearest Baskin-Robbins.
Having bought ice cream cones, they returned to their car to be comfortable. As they settled back to enjoy themselves, two crows landed on the front hood and began to churp and flutter, and to peck at the windshield.
The man finally figured out what they wanted.
He opened the window and put his cone on the hood. The birds immediately settled down as they began eating it.
"You're wonderful!" said the girl, "How did you ever think of it?"
"Nothing to it. It was just a case of ... stilling two birds with one cone."
Having bought ice cream cones, they returned to their car to be comfortable. As they settled back to enjoy themselves, two crows landed on the front hood and began to churp and flutter, and to peck at the windshield.
The man finally figured out what they wanted.
He opened the window and put his cone on the hood. The birds immediately settled down as they began eating it.
"You're wonderful!" said the girl, "How did you ever think of it?"
"Nothing to it. It was just a case of ... stilling two birds with one cone."
Adult jokes-Explain
A couple were married for 20 years.
Every time they had sex the husband would insist the lights to be turned of.
The wife was getting bored of the same thing every time.
So that night when they were having sex the wife turned on the lights and saw her husband with a dildo in his hand.
The wife very annoyed by now, started shouting at her husband and asked him to explain himself.
The husband replied with "Explain our Kids."
Every time they had sex the husband would insist the lights to be turned of.
The wife was getting bored of the same thing every time.
So that night when they were having sex the wife turned on the lights and saw her husband with a dildo in his hand.
The wife very annoyed by now, started shouting at her husband and asked him to explain himself.
The husband replied with "Explain our Kids."
Short funny jokes-Talent
In order to get 100/100 in life, a man requires 100% talent,
Whereas a woman requires only 4% talent & the remaining is only 36-24-36.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Really funny jokes-Hiccups
While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller's window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened.
The teller took my friend's check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check.
"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.
"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5,000."
"It can't be!" he cried. "You have to be kidding!"
"Yes, I am," she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. "But you will notice that your hiccups are gone."
The teller took my friend's check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check.
"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.
"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5,000."
"It can't be!" he cried. "You have to be kidding!"
"Yes, I am," she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. "But you will notice that your hiccups are gone."
Blonde jokes-Counting Sheep
The blonde from Casper had been the brunt of dumb blonde jokes all her life and finally decided to do something about it. Boldly, she entered a beauty salon and had her hair dyed auburn. The change was immediate and drastic.
Suddenly people began to treat her with respect and her self-esteem grew daily. One afternoon she went for a drive in the country-side and happened upon a band of sheep and a herder. Deciding to test her new-found confidence and skill, she stopped and visited with the herder. After charming the herder, she made him a proposition. .
She said, "I’d love to have one of those sheep as a pet. Do you suppose if I guessed the exact number you have in your herd you could let me have one to take home?"
The herder, thinking there was no way in the world she could guess the exact number said, "Why sure little lady, you go ahead and guess."
The auburn/blonde said, "You have exactly 1053 head of sheep.
The herder could not believe it. She had guess the number right on the button. Chagrined, he told her to go ahead and pick out a sheep to take home. She wandered through the whole herd finally making her selection at the far edge of the flock. Carrying it back to her car, she put it in the back seat. As she was about to drive off, the herder came running towards her car frantically yelling,
"Wait, wait!" She rolled down her window to see what he wanted and he said, "I’ve got a proposition for you. If I can guess the exact color of your hair before you dyed it, can I have my dog back?"
Suddenly people began to treat her with respect and her self-esteem grew daily. One afternoon she went for a drive in the country-side and happened upon a band of sheep and a herder. Deciding to test her new-found confidence and skill, she stopped and visited with the herder. After charming the herder, she made him a proposition. .
She said, "I’d love to have one of those sheep as a pet. Do you suppose if I guessed the exact number you have in your herd you could let me have one to take home?"
The herder, thinking there was no way in the world she could guess the exact number said, "Why sure little lady, you go ahead and guess."
The auburn/blonde said, "You have exactly 1053 head of sheep.
The herder could not believe it. She had guess the number right on the button. Chagrined, he told her to go ahead and pick out a sheep to take home. She wandered through the whole herd finally making her selection at the far edge of the flock. Carrying it back to her car, she put it in the back seat. As she was about to drive off, the herder came running towards her car frantically yelling,
"Wait, wait!" She rolled down her window to see what he wanted and he said, "I’ve got a proposition for you. If I can guess the exact color of your hair before you dyed it, can I have my dog back?"
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Really funny jokes-Bottle of Wine
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,she said:
"Good trade..."
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,she said:
"Good trade..."
Adult jokes-It could have been worse
Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.''
His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.
So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.
Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''
And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''
Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''
Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''
Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''
His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.
So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.
Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''
And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''
Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''
Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''
Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''
Marriage jokes-30 DAYS
"What's the matter, you look depressed."
"I'm having trouble with my wife."
"What happened?"
"She said she wasn't going to speak to me for 30 days."
"But that ought to make you happy."
"It did, but today is the last day."
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Really funny jokes-First meeting
Mike: Do you remember first meeting your wife?
John: Sure, I found Jill lying face down in the gutter. I lifted her to her feet and promised her that if she agreed to marry me, she would begin a new life and I'd never allow her near the gutter again.
Mike: Wow, I hope she appreciates what you did for her.
John: Not really. Jill hated to give up bowling.
John: Sure, I found Jill lying face down in the gutter. I lifted her to her feet and promised her that if she agreed to marry me, she would begin a new life and I'd never allow her near the gutter again.
Mike: Wow, I hope she appreciates what you did for her.
John: Not really. Jill hated to give up bowling.
Sardar jokes-Mental deficiency
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a party and his host, Banta, naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Banta asked "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?"
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'
Banta thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Banta asked "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?"
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'
Banta thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
Monday, July 20, 2009
Really funny jokes-Mechanical errors in flight
The flight was coming into New York when a combination of mechanical errors and unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting towards the ground!
The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally the engines roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from going splat on the ground!
As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate and were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane. Finally the crew got off the plane and the local manager of the airline came up to congratulate the pilot on his perseverance under extreme conditions.
As the official and the pilot were talking, the official commented how unusual it was that there were so many midgets on the flight.
"Those weren't midgets," the pilot replied. "Those were Yankees with the shit scared out of them!"
The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally the engines roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from going splat on the ground!
As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate and were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane. Finally the crew got off the plane and the local manager of the airline came up to congratulate the pilot on his perseverance under extreme conditions.
As the official and the pilot were talking, the official commented how unusual it was that there were so many midgets on the flight.
"Those weren't midgets," the pilot replied. "Those were Yankees with the shit scared out of them!"
Adult jokes-Smell
A man and a woman are riding an elevator.
The man says: "Can I smell your vagina?"
"F**k no!"
"Oh - then it must be your feet."
Cute, Innocent, Funny & Amazing Letters to the President by Little Children
Dear President Obama,
We're almost out of ivory toothpicks and we need a new hedge maze (the old one is too easy). Please give Daddy another tax cut. Pleeeaaassseee? If you do, I'll get Yolanda to bake you some cookies. She's from Mexico but don't tell anyone 'cuz it's a big secret.
Chip, age 7
Dear President Obama,
I want a Super Soaker and Roller blades and an X-Box 360 with lots of games. Mom says I should write to Santa Claus instead, but he's just some fat Swede and you're the leader of the free world. It's no contest! Anyway, I've been pretty good this year, except for that thing with the glue gun, but that was totally not my fault. Cats just don't listen.
Sonny, age 10
Dear President Obama,
Can you really turn back time? Mommy's life partner says you want to go back to a time when radio was popular and people wore hats and there were tigers everywhere. Just be careful that you don't accidentally kill your own grandmother or grandfather, because then you wouldn't exist. It's a paradox.
Ashley, age 8
Dear President Obama,
There are too many states. I have to memorize all of them AND their stupid capitals (even Bismarck) and it's too hard! Please get rid of some of them before I fail geography. Why not start with North Dakota? It's small and cold and its state animal is a gopher. Nobody likes gophers.
Gene, age 9
Dear President Obama,
Electric cars suck. Please tell the car people to make cars that runs on tofu (YUCK!) and have built-in George Foreman grills for hamburgers (YUM!) and anti-condor catapults on the roof (COOL!). I'll vote for you forever, I promise!
Hank, age 10
Dear President Obama,
I'm hungry. Mommy lost her second job at Target and now we can't afford relish or anything. Please put food on my family! Anything you can spare would be great. God bless!
Conny, age 7
Dear President Obama,
I used to want to be a politician like you, but not anymore. Aunt Lucy says politicians eat pies stuffed with baby birds. I tried to bake a pie like that, and now I'm not allowed in the park anymore, not even just to use the swings. It's not fair!
Teddy, age 9
Dear President Obama,
Please find enclosed fifty cents. I am a lobbyist, this is a campaign contribution, and now I own you. The first thing I want you to do is pass a law against bathtime. I HATE BATHTIME! Do it before supper and there is another fifty cents in it for you.
Zack, age 8
We're almost out of ivory toothpicks and we need a new hedge maze (the old one is too easy). Please give Daddy another tax cut. Pleeeaaassseee? If you do, I'll get Yolanda to bake you some cookies. She's from Mexico but don't tell anyone 'cuz it's a big secret.
Chip, age 7
Dear President Obama,
I want a Super Soaker and Roller blades and an X-Box 360 with lots of games. Mom says I should write to Santa Claus instead, but he's just some fat Swede and you're the leader of the free world. It's no contest! Anyway, I've been pretty good this year, except for that thing with the glue gun, but that was totally not my fault. Cats just don't listen.
Sonny, age 10
Dear President Obama,
Can you really turn back time? Mommy's life partner says you want to go back to a time when radio was popular and people wore hats and there were tigers everywhere. Just be careful that you don't accidentally kill your own grandmother or grandfather, because then you wouldn't exist. It's a paradox.
Ashley, age 8
Dear President Obama,
There are too many states. I have to memorize all of them AND their stupid capitals (even Bismarck) and it's too hard! Please get rid of some of them before I fail geography. Why not start with North Dakota? It's small and cold and its state animal is a gopher. Nobody likes gophers.
Gene, age 9
Dear President Obama,
Electric cars suck. Please tell the car people to make cars that runs on tofu (YUCK!) and have built-in George Foreman grills for hamburgers (YUM!) and anti-condor catapults on the roof (COOL!). I'll vote for you forever, I promise!
Hank, age 10
Dear President Obama,
I'm hungry. Mommy lost her second job at Target and now we can't afford relish or anything. Please put food on my family! Anything you can spare would be great. God bless!
Conny, age 7
Dear President Obama,
I used to want to be a politician like you, but not anymore. Aunt Lucy says politicians eat pies stuffed with baby birds. I tried to bake a pie like that, and now I'm not allowed in the park anymore, not even just to use the swings. It's not fair!
Teddy, age 9
Dear President Obama,
Please find enclosed fifty cents. I am a lobbyist, this is a campaign contribution, and now I own you. The first thing I want you to do is pass a law against bathtime. I HATE BATHTIME! Do it before supper and there is another fifty cents in it for you.
Zack, age 8
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Really funny jokes-Getting Into the Olympics
Three friends were big fans of the Olympics and were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop souvenirs and autographs.
The first said, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to work our way in."
A moment later, a burly athlete walked up to the table and stated,
"Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shot put." He opened his gym bag to display a shot put to the registration attendant.
The attendant said, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information. "
The first man got an idea. There was a construction site practically next door. Surely there would be some props they could use. They headed over to the site, slipped through the gate and had a look around.
The first man picked up a long thin board, whittled a sharp point on one end, headed back to the Olympic Village, walked up to the registration table and said, "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."
The attendant said, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and information. Good luck!"
The second man came in with a street utility manhole cover. He walked up to the registration table and stated, "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."
The attendant said, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."
They both scampered in, but suddenly realized their third was missing.
They looked around but they didn't see him. They began to worry because he was kind of a simpleton and they forgot to make sure he didn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories. Just then they saw him walking up to the registration table. In horror, they realized what he was carrying and what he was about to say. They tried to stop him but it was too late.
He proudly walked up to the table with a roll of chain link wire under his arm and stated, "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."
The first said, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to work our way in."
A moment later, a burly athlete walked up to the table and stated,
"Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shot put." He opened his gym bag to display a shot put to the registration attendant.
The attendant said, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information. "
The first man got an idea. There was a construction site practically next door. Surely there would be some props they could use. They headed over to the site, slipped through the gate and had a look around.
The first man picked up a long thin board, whittled a sharp point on one end, headed back to the Olympic Village, walked up to the registration table and said, "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."
The attendant said, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and information. Good luck!"
The second man came in with a street utility manhole cover. He walked up to the registration table and stated, "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."
The attendant said, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."
They both scampered in, but suddenly realized their third was missing.
They looked around but they didn't see him. They began to worry because he was kind of a simpleton and they forgot to make sure he didn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories. Just then they saw him walking up to the registration table. In horror, they realized what he was carrying and what he was about to say. They tried to stop him but it was too late.
He proudly walked up to the table with a roll of chain link wire under his arm and stated, "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Ultimate jokes-Sumbich
A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said,
'I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the
nerve to jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says,
'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars,'
'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet! How about half a million
bucks then?'
'No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked,'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'
Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said,
'I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the
nerve to jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says,
'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars,'
'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet! How about half a million
bucks then?'
'No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked,'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'
Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'
Adult doctor jokes-Hurt
The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
'Aha!' mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. 'Aha!' said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip- snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip- snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching.
The doctor said, 'How does that feel now?'
The midget replied, 'Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?'
The doctor replied 'I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.'
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
'Aha!' mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. 'Aha!' said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip- snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip- snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching.
The doctor said, 'How does that feel now?'
The midget replied, 'Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?'
The doctor replied 'I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.'
Short funny jokes-Half drunk
Wife: What is the meaning of coming home half drunk at this time of night?
Husband: It's not my fault - I ran out of money.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Funny farm jokes-I flattened your cat
Seems a guy was driving for hours through desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and splat... he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife came to the door, said he, "Pardon me madame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off...."
"Not so fast", says she. "How do you know it was our cat? Could you describe him? What does he look like?"
The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said "He looks like thIs" as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.
"Oh no, you horrible man", she replied. "I meant, what did he look like before you hit him?"
At that, the man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed "Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!"
"Not so fast", says she. "How do you know it was our cat? Could you describe him? What does he look like?"
The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said "He looks like thIs" as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.
"Oh no, you horrible man", she replied. "I meant, what did he look like before you hit him?"
At that, the man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed "Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!"
Really funny jokes-Who's a nut
It was open weekend in the local 'loony bin' and one curious man was wandering around watching the inmates 'in action'. When he sees this chap painting a wall, but when he looks closer, he notices that the brush is dry. So he sidles over, looks into the tin and sees more brushes but no paint.
He said to the inmate, "When do you intend to finish"?
The inmate said, "I probably never will. The idea to brighten this place up was my own, so they wont give me money for paint. So unless I can get some from my secret hoard, I'm sunk.
"How would you have a secret hoard of cash"? Said the man.
The inmate said. "Well I lived in the local village for years and years and everyone kept telling me I was nuts, and that one day they would take me away and lock me up. Well, they wasn't going to get my money, so I regularly sneaked onto the village green in the middle of the night, stood underneath the rope swing on the big oak tree, walked 100 paces north, turned, walked 50 paces west then dug down 6 feet and stashed all my cash.
The man rushed home, got a shovel, went back to the village, paced out the instructions and started digging. After 4 hours he had nothing and was feeling knackered and wondered if he had heard the instructions right. He even dug wider on all sides of the hole. But zilch!!
The next day, hands covered in blisters he went back to see the inmate, who was still standing at the wall painting away.
The man said to the inmate, "Are you sure the cash is 100 meters north and fifty paces west?
The inmate said "Did you go looking for it?
The man looking embarrassed said, "Well yes!
The inmate said... Grab a brush!!!
He said to the inmate, "When do you intend to finish"?
The inmate said, "I probably never will. The idea to brighten this place up was my own, so they wont give me money for paint. So unless I can get some from my secret hoard, I'm sunk.
"How would you have a secret hoard of cash"? Said the man.
The inmate said. "Well I lived in the local village for years and years and everyone kept telling me I was nuts, and that one day they would take me away and lock me up. Well, they wasn't going to get my money, so I regularly sneaked onto the village green in the middle of the night, stood underneath the rope swing on the big oak tree, walked 100 paces north, turned, walked 50 paces west then dug down 6 feet and stashed all my cash.
The man rushed home, got a shovel, went back to the village, paced out the instructions and started digging. After 4 hours he had nothing and was feeling knackered and wondered if he had heard the instructions right. He even dug wider on all sides of the hole. But zilch!!
The next day, hands covered in blisters he went back to see the inmate, who was still standing at the wall painting away.
The man said to the inmate, "Are you sure the cash is 100 meters north and fifty paces west?
The inmate said "Did you go looking for it?
The man looking embarrassed said, "Well yes!
The inmate said... Grab a brush!!!
Clean jokes-Dog haircut
A friend took her dog to the parlor for a haircut, and asked what it would cost.
Being told that it would cost her $50, she was outraged.
"I only pay 30 bucks for my own haircut!"
The groomer replied, "That may be true. But then you don't bite. do you?!"
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Really funny jokes-Sister Mary Ann's Gasoline
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it, an Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said,
'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'
As luck would have it, an Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said,
'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'
Short funny jokes-Mongoose
It's like the man who wanted to buy two mongoose.
Or is it mongeese? Or mongooses?
He finally said, "Send me a mongoose today, and tomorrow send me another one."
Adult jokes-Bristles
A young peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory. After 2 months she gave the boss a two-week notice.
The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard working, knew her tasks etc. He called her into his office, "But why?" he asked.
"Nothin, I just wanna quit that's all," she said sullenly.
"Look, I'll give you a raise."
"No," she said
"You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me."
"Okay if you must know..." said the girl, and she took off her underwear and pointed to her pubic hair, "Look I haven't had this before, it's the broom's bristles, I tell you..."
Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and showed his, and said, "Ha ha...my dear it's nature. Look I have it too...."
"Oh no!" the girl cried, "I can't wait two weeks, I quit now! Not only do you have the bristles, but you've grown the handle as well."
The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard working, knew her tasks etc. He called her into his office, "But why?" he asked.
"Nothin, I just wanna quit that's all," she said sullenly.
"Look, I'll give you a raise."
"No," she said
"You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me."
"Okay if you must know..." said the girl, and she took off her underwear and pointed to her pubic hair, "Look I haven't had this before, it's the broom's bristles, I tell you..."
Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and showed his, and said, "Ha ha...my dear it's nature. Look I have it too...."
"Oh no!" the girl cried, "I can't wait two weeks, I quit now! Not only do you have the bristles, but you've grown the handle as well."
Sardar jokes-Sweater
Mrs Kartar had bought a beautiful sweater for her husband . She sent it to her husband by parcel post along with a note. The note said : ' The buttons of the sweater are removed since they where too heavy and added to the postage . You will find them in the right hand pocket of the sweater.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Jokes funny-Free To Leave
In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave. This year the two lucky patients were Patty and Mike.
They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for her questioning.
When Patty came into the office, she was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor. "Patty, you know the tradition of this institution, so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin. Patty nodded, and the doctor began to question her.
The first question was this: "Patty, if I was to poke out one of your eyes, what would happen?"
"I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought.
"What would happen if I poked out the other eye?"
"I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that she had just gotten her freedom.
The doctor then sent her outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files.
When Patty got into the waiting room however, she told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were. The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty.
"Mike, the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?"
"I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told.
This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking. "Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?"
"I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.
But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."
They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for her questioning.
When Patty came into the office, she was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor. "Patty, you know the tradition of this institution, so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin. Patty nodded, and the doctor began to question her.
The first question was this: "Patty, if I was to poke out one of your eyes, what would happen?"
"I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought.
"What would happen if I poked out the other eye?"
"I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that she had just gotten her freedom.
The doctor then sent her outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files.
When Patty got into the waiting room however, she told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were. The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty.
"Mike, the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?"
"I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told.
This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking. "Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?"
"I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.
But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."
Really funny jokes-Chicken
One fine evening a man walked into a fast-food chicken place and bought a nine-piece bucket of chicken. He took his chicken to the park for a romantic picnic under the moonlight with his lady.
Upon reaching into the bucket, however, he received a surprise. Instead of chicken he discovered what was apparently the restaurant's night deposit-nine thousand dollars. The young man brought the bucket back to the store and asked for his chicken in exchange for the money. The manager, in awe of the young man's honesty, asked for his name and told him he wanted to call the newspaper and the local news station to do a story on him. He would become a local hero, an example of honesty and morality that would inspire others!
The hungry man shrugged it off. "My date's waiting. I just want my chicken."
The manager's renewed amazement over the young man's humility almost overwhelmed him. He begged to be allowed to tell the story on the news. At this the honest man became angry with the manager and demanded his chicken.
"I don't get it," the manager responded. "You are an honest man in a dishonest world! This is a perfect opportunity to show the world that there are honest people still willing to take a stand for what is right. Please, give me your name and also the woman's name. Is that your wife?"
"That's the problem," said the young man. "My wife is at home. The woman in the car is my girlfriend. Now let me have my chicken so I can get out of here."
Upon reaching into the bucket, however, he received a surprise. Instead of chicken he discovered what was apparently the restaurant's night deposit-nine thousand dollars. The young man brought the bucket back to the store and asked for his chicken in exchange for the money. The manager, in awe of the young man's honesty, asked for his name and told him he wanted to call the newspaper and the local news station to do a story on him. He would become a local hero, an example of honesty and morality that would inspire others!
The hungry man shrugged it off. "My date's waiting. I just want my chicken."
The manager's renewed amazement over the young man's humility almost overwhelmed him. He begged to be allowed to tell the story on the news. At this the honest man became angry with the manager and demanded his chicken.
"I don't get it," the manager responded. "You are an honest man in a dishonest world! This is a perfect opportunity to show the world that there are honest people still willing to take a stand for what is right. Please, give me your name and also the woman's name. Is that your wife?"
"That's the problem," said the young man. "My wife is at home. The woman in the car is my girlfriend. Now let me have my chicken so I can get out of here."
Lawyer jokes-Two Attorneys
Two attorneys have planned to meet for lunch, but one of them shows up 30 minutes late.
The one who's been waiting asks his partner: "What kept you?"
"I ran over a Coke bottle and got a flat tire."
"A Coke bottle in the road? Didn't you see it?"
"No, the kid had it under his coat."
The one who's been waiting asks his partner: "What kept you?"
"I ran over a Coke bottle and got a flat tire."
"A Coke bottle in the road? Didn't you see it?"
"No, the kid had it under his coat."
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Adult jokes-What did he Say?
Parvez, a middle-aged Pakistani tourist on his first visit to Mumbai, finds the red-light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!
Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams: "No!" and walks quickly away.
The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Archna, will do. Archna has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Parvez. TheY sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams: "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.
The madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson. So she goes over to Parvez and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink, and then she sits in his lap.
Parvez leans forwards and whispers in her ear: "Can I pay in Pakistani currency?"
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!
Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams: "No!" and walks quickly away.
The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Archna, will do. Archna has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Parvez. TheY sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams: "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.
The madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson. So she goes over to Parvez and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink, and then she sits in his lap.
Parvez leans forwards and whispers in her ear: "Can I pay in Pakistani currency?"
Short funny jokes-Diabetic
A nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious woman.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today," she said.
"Are you light-headed? " my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette".
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today," she said.
"Are you light-headed? " my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette".
Kids jokes-Moses and the Red Sea
Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
Monday, July 13, 2009
Clean jokes-Bad smell
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
Then the ex-husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit... Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She greed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home... including the curtain rods.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
Then the ex-husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit... Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She greed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home... including the curtain rods.
Really funny jokes-Proverbs
A grade one teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It's hard to believe these were actually done by grader one kids ("6 " year-olds),
Don't bite the hand that --- looks dirty.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll --- stink in the morning.
No news is --- impossible.
You can't teach an old dog new --- maths.
Love all, trust --- me.
The pen is mightier than the --- pigs.
Where there's smoke there's --- pollution.
A penny saved is --- not much.
Two's company, three's --- the Musketeers.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and --- you have to blow your nose.
There are none so blind as --- Stevie Wonder.
When the blind leadeth the blind --- get out of the way.
And the favourite: Better late than --- pregnant!
It's hard to believe these were actually done by grader one kids ("6 " year-olds),
Don't bite the hand that --- looks dirty.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll --- stink in the morning.
No news is --- impossible.
You can't teach an old dog new --- maths.
Love all, trust --- me.
The pen is mightier than the --- pigs.
Where there's smoke there's --- pollution.
A penny saved is --- not much.
Two's company, three's --- the Musketeers.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and --- you have to blow your nose.
There are none so blind as --- Stevie Wonder.
When the blind leadeth the blind --- get out of the way.
And the favourite: Better late than --- pregnant!
Blonde jokes-Pay for themselves
A window salesman telephoned his blonde customer.
“Ms. Brown, our company replaced all your windows with triple-glazed models more than a year ago, and we still haven't received a single payment.”
“But,”, the blonde protested, “You promised me they would pay for themselves in 12 months.”
“Ms. Brown, our company replaced all your windows with triple-glazed models more than a year ago, and we still haven't received a single payment.”
“But,”, the blonde protested, “You promised me they would pay for themselves in 12 months.”
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Funny blonde jokes-The Gift
A blonde guy had a major argument with his girlfriend. After storming away and cooling off, he had time to think.
He knew he was clearly in the wrong and felt really guilty about the entire trauma that he had caused. So to make it up to his girlfriend, he decided to offer her a gift.
"I'm so sorry. Choose anything at all, my love," he said, overcome with remorse.
"Oh, I don't know," replied his sweetheart, excited at the idea of a gift but still wanting to get back at him. "You really shouldn't do this you know. But, if you insist, just get me something very expensive, that I don't really need."
The following day he booked her in for heart surgery.
He knew he was clearly in the wrong and felt really guilty about the entire trauma that he had caused. So to make it up to his girlfriend, he decided to offer her a gift.
"I'm so sorry. Choose anything at all, my love," he said, overcome with remorse.
"Oh, I don't know," replied his sweetheart, excited at the idea of a gift but still wanting to get back at him. "You really shouldn't do this you know. But, if you insist, just get me something very expensive, that I don't really need."
The following day he booked her in for heart surgery.
Adult jokes-Loose ones
A woman woke up and told her husband of about her last night's dream. "I was at an auction for dicks. The big ones sold for $1,000 and the tiny ones for $10."
The husband says, "What about one my size?"
His wife responds, "Didn't get a bid," and then laughs to herself.
The husband wants revenge, so the next morning he tells his wife about his dream last night. "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight one's sold for $1,000 and the loose ones for $10."
His wife says, "What about ones like mine?"
The husband smiles and says, "That's where they held the auction."
The husband says, "What about one my size?"
His wife responds, "Didn't get a bid," and then laughs to herself.
The husband wants revenge, so the next morning he tells his wife about his dream last night. "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight one's sold for $1,000 and the loose ones for $10."
His wife says, "What about ones like mine?"
The husband smiles and says, "That's where they held the auction."
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Really funny jokes-Polish
"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?" the customer asks the clerk.
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you? Would you?"
The clerk says, "Well, no!"
"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep, self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot!"
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you? Would you?"
The clerk says, "Well, no!"
"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep, self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot!"
Humor jokes-New sign
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines, enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts."
"After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with
the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines, enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts."
"After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with
the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Adult jokes-Note
A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman.
The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.
She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.
It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."
The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.
She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.
It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."
Really funny jokes-Old woman's woes
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said, "I have a 22-year-old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I said, "Okay, so why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
She said, "I have a 22-year-old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I said, "Okay, so why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
Adult jokes-Little accident
A lady walks into a high class jewelry shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a sales man standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price."
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a sales man standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price."
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Hilarious short jokes-Honesty
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
Really funny jokes-The lessons of age
Lessons of age-Senior humor
-----------------------------
Now that I'm older....here' s what I've discovered: "I STARTED out with nothing....I still have most of it."
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
If all is not lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's that sudden stop at the end.
-----------------------------
Now that I'm older....here' s what I've discovered: "I STARTED out with nothing....I still have most of it."
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
If all is not lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's that sudden stop at the end.
Sardar jokes-Black Tie Party
A Sardar received an invitation, to a party which said “Black Tie Only”!!
When he went to the party he was surprised to find the other invitees wearing trousers and shirts as well !!!!
When he went to the party he was surprised to find the other invitees wearing trousers and shirts as well !!!!
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Best funny jokes-School days are over
Teacher: Why did you laugh?
Boy: I saw 1 strap of your bra.
Teacher: GET OUT of the classroom for 1 week..
2nd boy laughed.
Teacher: Why did you laugh?
Boy 2: I saw both straps.
Teacher: GET OUT FOR 1 MONTH.
She bent down to pick up a piece of chalk, Little Johny started walking out.
Teacher: Johny, why are you going out?
Little Johny : Judging from what I just saw, I think my school days are over.
Really funny jokes-Guy who stutters
This guy who stutters badly, walks into a bar, and says, "Ssay! Bbbartender, gggimme a bbbeer".
The Bartender, who is badly humpbacked, serves him a beer and says, "That will be $2.50 please."
The guy thinks that's pretty high priced and says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"
The Bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price."
The guy pays him and drinks it down. He then says, "Sssay! bbbartender, gggimme a wwhiskey ppplease."
The bartender serves him a shot of whiskey and says, "That will be $5.00 please."
The guy says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"
The Bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price."
The guy pays him, drinks his whiskey and, before leaving says, "Bbbartender, tthanks for nnot mmmaking fffun of my ssstuttering wwwhile I wwas in hhhere."
The bartender replies, "Oh that's OK. I want to thank you for not making fun of my humpback while you were in here."
The guy says "Oh ttthat's OK. Eeverything else in tthis ppplace wwas so hhhigh, I ttthougt it wwas yyour ass."
The Bartender, who is badly humpbacked, serves him a beer and says, "That will be $2.50 please."
The guy thinks that's pretty high priced and says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"
The Bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price."
The guy pays him and drinks it down. He then says, "Sssay! bbbartender, gggimme a wwhiskey ppplease."
The bartender serves him a shot of whiskey and says, "That will be $5.00 please."
The guy says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"
The Bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price."
The guy pays him, drinks his whiskey and, before leaving says, "Bbbartender, tthanks for nnot mmmaking fffun of my ssstuttering wwwhile I wwas in hhhere."
The bartender replies, "Oh that's OK. I want to thank you for not making fun of my humpback while you were in here."
The guy says "Oh ttthat's OK. Eeverything else in tthis ppplace wwas so hhhigh, I ttthougt it wwas yyour ass."
Adult humor jokes-Evening class
A young woman went to an evening class to improve her sexual capabilities. When she gets there, she sees an apple, an orange and a pear hanging on strings from the ceiling, and a piece of chalk and a black-board. "What is all this for?" she asked.
The instructor tells her to stand between the hanging fruit, and she does. "Now," said the instructor, "swing your hips to the left and touch the apple, now swing your hips to the right and touch the pear, then swing your hips forward and touch the orange."
The young woman starts to rotate her hips, and soon gets a good rhythm going. "This is great," she said enthusiastically "but what is the chalk for?"
"When you've got the hang of the fruit," said the instructor, "I want you to stick the chalk up your ass and write 'Mississippi' on the black-board twenty times."
The instructor tells her to stand between the hanging fruit, and she does. "Now," said the instructor, "swing your hips to the left and touch the apple, now swing your hips to the right and touch the pear, then swing your hips forward and touch the orange."
The young woman starts to rotate her hips, and soon gets a good rhythm going. "This is great," she said enthusiastically "but what is the chalk for?"
"When you've got the hang of the fruit," said the instructor, "I want you to stick the chalk up your ass and write 'Mississippi' on the black-board twenty times."
Short funny jokes-Lost
Two girls are having coffee when one notices that the other girl seems troubled and asks her, "Is something bugging you? You look anxious."
"Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market," she explained.
"Oh, that's too bad," the other girl sympathized. "I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him."
"Yeah, I am," she said. "He'll miss me."
"Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market," she explained.
"Oh, that's too bad," the other girl sympathized. "I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him."
"Yeah, I am," she said. "He'll miss me."
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Really funny jokes-Great Business plan
A guy is on a tour of a factory that produces latex products. At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop noise.
"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mould," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!'
"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop!' every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"
"True, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"
"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mould," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!'
"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop!' every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"
"True, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"
Kids jokes-State of inactivity
In his science class, my ten-year-old grandson Chaim was learning about hibernation. He brought his test paper home the day after the exam. One question was: Into what state of inactivity do some animals with fur coats go during the winter months?" Little Chaim had written,
"Florida."
"Florida."
Monday, July 6, 2009
Adult jokes-Shaking head
Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was shaking his head.
"What's the matter?" inquired the bartender.
"While I was in the bathroom back there, I noticed among the scribbling on the wall, and one that said: WENDY GIVES REALLY FABULOUS HEAD - ABSOLUTELY THE GREATEST B.J. IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!" replied the customer.
"Ah buddy, I wouldn't give it a second thought, we get jerks in here like anywhere else," said the bartender.
"I know," continue the headshaker. "One of them has scratched out the phone number!"
"What's the matter?" inquired the bartender.
"While I was in the bathroom back there, I noticed among the scribbling on the wall, and one that said: WENDY GIVES REALLY FABULOUS HEAD - ABSOLUTELY THE GREATEST B.J. IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!" replied the customer.
"Ah buddy, I wouldn't give it a second thought, we get jerks in here like anywhere else," said the bartender.
"I know," continue the headshaker. "One of them has scratched out the phone number!"
Humor jokes-Is that your final answer?
A husband and wife are getting ready to go to bed.
The husband says, "I thought we'd have sex tonight."
The wife replies, "No, I'm too tired tonight."
The husband says, "Is that your final answer?"
The wife says, "Yes, it is, thank you."
The husband says, "OK, then, I'd like to phone a friend."
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Really funny jokes-Guess who?
A woman walks into a post office and notices a middle-aged, well-dressed man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. As he seals each envelop he sprays it with a puff of perfume. The woman's curiosity gets the better of her, so she goes up to the man and asks what he is doing.
The man replies, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" she asks.
"Because I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Adult jokes-Making love to wife
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop."
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop."
Short funny jokes-Movie tickets
Husband : Today is Sunday. I want to really enjoy it. So, I have bought three movie tickets.....
Wife: Why three??
Husband : For you and your parents!
Friday, July 3, 2009
Really funny jokes-Disappearing wife
A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.
After a couple of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?"
The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, "That would suit me just fine!!"
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Sardar jokes-Lost cheque book
Sardar lost his cheque book .
Next day, he goes to Bank manager to inform him about it .
Manager says : Be careful any one can put your signatures, check daily with bank as our computers
are not working, I can't arrange for stop payments.
Sardar: Dont worry Manager , I have already signed all cheques, so nobody can sign.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Funny adult jokes-Choices
Farooq was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Farooq. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until Farooq took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Sherry.
That evening, Farooq brought Sherry to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, Farooq Naik started to get "those feelings" again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Sherry and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Sherry batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
He said, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Farooq. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until Farooq took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Sherry.
That evening, Farooq brought Sherry to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, Farooq Naik started to get "those feelings" again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Sherry and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Sherry batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
He said, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
Sarcastic jokes-Tragedy
President Zardari is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."
"No, " Zardari says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Zardari. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.
"What? " asks Zardari, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Zardari and Gillani was blown up by a bomb, that would be a tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."
"No, " Zardari says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Zardari. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.
"What? " asks Zardari, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Zardari and Gillani was blown up by a bomb, that would be a tragedy."
"Wonderful !" Zardari beams. "Marvellous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Really funny jokes-Get out of bed
A recent Harris Poll survey was conducted to discover why
men get out of bed in the middle of the night...
5% said it was to get a glass of water...
12% said it was to go the toilet ...
83% said it was to go home.
Clean jokes-Happy
A few days ago I was driving when I was suddenly rear-ended at a light.
I got out of my vehicle to see who'd hit me, and out popped this dwarf from the other car.
He was all red in the face, sputtering and obviously mad as his hands were waving in the air.
As he stormed towards me he said, "I am not happy!".
To which I simply replied, "Then which one are you?"
That's when things got really ugly!
I got out of my vehicle to see who'd hit me, and out popped this dwarf from the other car.
He was all red in the face, sputtering and obviously mad as his hands were waving in the air.
As he stormed towards me he said, "I am not happy!".
To which I simply replied, "Then which one are you?"
That's when things got really ugly!
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