Really Funny Jokes

Really funny jokes Welcome to Really Funny Jokes and Adult Jokes. Please bookmark us and visit daily for new jokes.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Adult jokes-Treating baldness

During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices.
"But you're balder than I am," protested the customer.
"True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a moustache!"

Blonde jokes-Did you hear about the blonde who:

1. had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs?
2. thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
3. was told she was a silly puss, but insisted that she didn't have a crazy cat?
4. after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didnt get taller girls?

Friday, February 27, 2009

Really funny jokes-Cat in the backyard

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.
So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car.

Humor jokes-Made it!

Every day, Mr. Koch has to cross the river by ferry in order to get to work.
Waking up late one morning, he dressed quickly, ran out the door and raced to the dock. The boat was several yards away, and stepping back and taking a mighty leap, Mr. Koch landed with a crash on the deck.
"Made it!" he cried triumphantly.
"So?" said one of the passengers, "What was the rush? The boat is coming in."

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Funny adult jokes-Stuck

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.
'If I do 250 kph, will you take off your clothes?' he smirked.
'Yes,' said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 250, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
'Go and get help!' he cried.
'But I can't! I'm naked and my clothes are gone!'
'Take my shoe' he said 'and cover yourself.'
Holding the shoe over her privates, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, 'Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!'
The proprietor looked at the shoe and fainted.!!!!!!!!!

Animal jokes-Dog

The front door was accidentally left open and our dog was gone. After unsuccessfully whistling and calling, my husband got in the car and went looking for him.
He drove around the neighborhood for some time with no luck.
Finally he stopped beside a couple out for a walk and asked if they had seen our dog.
"You mean the one following your car ?" they asked.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Really funny jokes-Snoring Problem

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past.
I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Navy guy.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

Clean jokes-In shock

I was shocked, confused, bewildered as I entered Heaven's door, not by the beauty of it all, by the lights or its decor.
But it was the folks in Heaven who made me sputter and gasp--the thieves, the liars, the sinners, the alcoholics, the trash.
There stood the kid from seventh grade who swiped my lunch money twice. Next to him was my old neighbor who never said anything nice.
Herb, who I always thought was rotting away in hell, was sitting pretty on cloud nine, looking incredibly well.
I nudged the angel, "What's the deal? I would love to hear your take. How'd all these sinners get up here? God must've made a mistake. And why's everyone so quiet, so somber? Give me a clue."
"Hush, child," said he. "They're all in shock. No one thought they'd ever see you."

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Adult funny jokes-Buy yourself some panties!

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.
The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20 and says, "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It's not proper to walk around without any panties on."
The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the girl explained what happened.
Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church.
As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.
The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the priest very calmly.
The priest hands the lady $1 and says...
"Lady, take this money and for God's sake, go buy yourself a razor!"

Humor jokes-Collateral

Long ago there was once an old native American who wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application,
"What are you going to do with the money?"
"Take jewellery to city and sell it," was the response.
"What have you got for collateral?"
"Don't know collateral."
"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.Have you got any vehicles?"
"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."
The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"
"Yes, I have a horse."
"How old is it?"
"Don't know, has no teeth."
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out
a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed theb banker the money to pay his loan off.
"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"
"Put in tepee."
"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.
"Don't know deposit."
"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."
The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral?"

Monday, February 23, 2009

Kids jokes-Virtue

Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
Boy: Brotherly love.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Adult doctor jokes-Erection

Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
So, the worried fellow returned with his wife the following pad. The doctor greeted the coupled and then said, "Please remove your clothes, Mrs. Thomas."
The woman obliged and removed her clothing.
"Okay, now turn all the way around... Now, lie down please... Uh-huh, I see. Alright, you can put your clothes back on."
While the woman was busy dressing herself again, the doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said to the man. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Really funny jokes-Coyote polulation

There is no arguing with cowboy logic. The Sierra Club and the US Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the Coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the Tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the Tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution. What they proposed was for the Animals to becaptured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled.
This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said,
"Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't fuckin our sheep - they're eatin'em."

Blonde jokes-Road signs

A crew of highway maintenance workers were sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing.
As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one member, a blonde, looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway.
She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's been waiting to cross?"

Friday, February 20, 2009

Adult jokes-Doctors never laugh

Before the examination, Scott asked the doctor if they ever laughed at their patients' problems.
The Doctor replied 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.
'Okay then,' Scott said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'
It's swollen,' Scott replied

Humor jokes-Virgins

The Catholic priest in a small town had become very perturbed, and he decided to lay it on the line to the congregation.
"Brothers, sisters," he said solemnly, "it has come to my attention that there are tales to the effect that immorality is rampant in ourfair town. To be specific, it is being said that there is not one virgin left here. This vile lie must and shall be refuted. In order to do so, I ask every virgin in the congregation to rise."
Not a woman stirred.
The priest said, "I understand the modesty that would make a young lady hesitate to announce her condition publicly, but it is necessary to do so. Young women, I conjure those to rise who are truly virgins."
And still not a woman stirred.
Wrath now moved the priest. "Will you, for the fear of experiencing a small shame, incur a great one? This is an order from the Almighty: Let all virgins stand!"
And as his thunderous tones died away, a young lady, far in the rear, with a baby in her arms, rose bashfully.
The preacher stared with astonishment at the baby, then said, "Young woman, I'm asking the virgins to stand."
And the young lady answered indignantly, "Well, father, do you expect this six-month-old girl to stand by herself...?"

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Really funny jokes-Barbie

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.
He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"
The Manager replied, "Which one? We have
'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 and
'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00"
"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?, the father asked.
The store manager replied: "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat, Ken's furniture and all of Ken's savings."

Clean jokes-Speech

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter. 10 men and 1 woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that 1 had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Adult jokes-Girls' best friends

After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly, she jerked away, got out of the car is a hurry, and ran home. Later that night, she wrote in her diary, "A girl's best friends are her own two legs."
On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As they were kissing passionately, Carl slid his hand up Mary's skirt. Once again, she pulled away, got out of the car, and hurried home. Later that night, she wrote in her diary, "I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two legs."
On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time, Mary didn't get home until very late. That night, she wrote in her diary, "There comes a time when even the best of friends must part."

Sardar jokes-Clock has arrived

Santa Singh's wife was expecting and the baby was due any day. Santa was very confident it would be a boy and was looking forward to the D-day.
As fate would have it, he was transferred to another city and had to join office immediately. Before going, he asked his father -in-law to send a telegram confirming birth of his son. But in order to avoid giving party to his office colleagues, he asks his father -in-law to write "The clock has arrived" and he will understand that the son is born.
The D-day arrived. His wife delivered a cute little baby girl.
Now Santa's father-in-law didn't know what to do.
If he writes "the clock has arrived" Santa will think he has got a Son.
If he writes "clock has not arrived" Santa will get worried that something serious has happened.
But being a very intelligent person, he finds a solution and sends the telegram.
Santa received the telegram, opened it eagerly and reads
"The clock has arrived, but the pendulum is missing".

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Really funny jokes-Marx in Heaven

So Karl Marx dies and shows up at the gates of heaven to be met by Saint Peter.
"Name?" asks Peter.
"Marx, Karl Marx." replies the famous author.
"Hmm," says Peter to himself, "why do I know that name?"
"I am Marx," Marx said, beaming with pride, "Founder of socialism and the driving force behind the communist ideal called Marxism."
"I see," Peter said. "I'll have to check with God."
So Peter rushes off to confer with God. God hears the name Marx and immediately a look of disgust infects His face. "Marx?" God says, "He's nothing but a trouble maker. Send him down to hell."
So Peter happily signs the appropriate forms and deports Karl Marx to Satan's fiery hell.
Some time later, a free trade agreement is forged between Heaven and Hell. The deal is hailed by all to be a great economic leap forward that would revitalize both struggling economies. But soon after the treaty,God realizes that Heaven is no longer receiving any products from Hell. So he sends Saint Peter down to investigate.
"Well?" asks Peter of Satan, "What's the hold up? We have an agreement!"
Satan shrugs his shoulders, exasperated. "It's that Marx fellow," Satan replied. "Ever since he got down here, all we've had are strikes and labor demands. Productivity has dropped to zero!"
"So?" Peter asks, "What would you have us do?"
"Take him back. Take Marx back to Heaven, and I guarantee productivity will sky rocket!"
So Peter agreed, on God's behalf, to accept Karl Marx back to Heaven.
Some time later Satan realizes that Hell has not received any orders for product from Heaven. In fact, very little communication at all has leaked from Up Above. So, concerned for the economic welfare of Hell, he makes a trip to Heaven.
"Peter! Peter, are you there?" Satan demands.
"Yes, what is it?" Peter answers.
"What's the hold up? What about the flow of trade?"
"Oh I'm sorry," Peter said, "We have decided to adopt a Marxist isolationist stance. We are an intrinsic self-governed body that is now based on the needs of the proletariat. It is our opinion that this free trade agreement only benefits the bourgeois."
"What?!" Satan was furious. "I demand to speak to God!"
Peter's eyebrow is raised in confusion. "Who?"

Kids jokes-20000 Leaks

Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his friend about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.
In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?"
With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"

Monday, February 16, 2009

Funny adult jokes-Three friends

Three friends took their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas and they all had a great time.
A few days after they returned home, the men were sitting around talking about their trip.
"I don't think I'm ever going to do that again!" says the first guy. "Since we've been back, my wife flings her arms and hollers '7 come 11' all night long. I haven't had a wink of sleep!"
"I hear ya, buddy," the second guy replies. "My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there. Since we've been back, she slaps the bed all night and hollers 'hit me light, hit me hard'. I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"
"You guys think you have it bad!" exclaims the third guy. "My wife played the slots the entire time we were there. Every morning I wake up with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters!"

Humor jokes-Age

Luke's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products she asked, "Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Luke replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Luke interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Really funny jokes-My ass

Once upon a time, there was an old miner who was traveling through the desert with his trusty mule of many years. All of a sudden, the mule fell over dead. The old man buried his old friend and put up a cross as a grave marker.
He wrote on the cross, "My Ass". Then he continued on his journey.
Years later a town grew nearby the grave. The road into town went right by the marker, so the town adopted the name out of respect for the dead mule.
It had become somewhat of an historical site. Then one day, a traveling salesman, who was lost, wondered into the old desert town, but did not notice the marker. He saw a man on the street and stopped to get directions.
The salesman asked, "Could you please tell me where I am?"
"Sure" replied the old man. "You are right on the edge of my ass."
The salesman was puzzled by what the man said, so he decided to ask someone else.
He thanked the man and continued to what appeared to be the downtown area. He saw another man walking down the street.
He asked, "Please sir, could you please tell me where I am, I seem to be lost."
The old man promptly replied, "No problem young fella. You are right smack dab in the middle of my ass!"
At this point the salesman decided that everyone in the little town was crazy and decided to leave. On the way out of town he spotted a seafood restaurant.
He had become quite hungry, so he decided to get something to eat before traveling on to the next town.
The waitress walked over and asked, "What will you have stranger?"
The man replied, "I think I will have the crab platter."
The waitress replied, "I am sorry sir, we are all out of crabs. "My husband looked all over my ass last night."

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Adult jokes-That's my chicken

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food.
The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer.
A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs; I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings; I'll break one of your arms!"
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it.
He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Your turn!!"

Blonde jokes-Pet Zebra

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Really funny jokes-What causes Arthritis?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

Teacher jokes-Believe

A wise school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school:
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Adult funny jokes-Out of the world experience!

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.
'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.
'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'
'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'
'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'
'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'
'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'
'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

Humor jokes-The Buttocks

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the Man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After
All, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said,
'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'
'My darling,' she replied,
'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Really funny jokes-Barbie

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.
He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"
The Manager replied, "Which one? We have
'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 and
'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00"
"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?, the father asked.
The store manager replied: "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat, Ken's furniture and all of Ken's savings."

Clean jokes-Sleeping Pills

Howard dragged himself into his doctor's office looking very exhausted.
"Doctor Kaine," he said, "there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep!"
"I have good news for you, Howard," Doctor Kaine said, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."
"Great," said Howard, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."
Dr. Kaine gave him the pills. Howard thanked him and left.
Two weeks later, Howard came back to Dr. Kaine's office looking worse than ever.
"Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!" Howard exclaimed.
"I don't understand how that could be," said Dr. Kaine, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered Howard wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard to make them swallow the pills."

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Adult jokes-Note

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman.
The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.
She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.
It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."

Blonde jokes-Skydiver

Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!

Monday, February 9, 2009

Really funny jokes-Three Tasks

A man walks into a hotel bar, claims a table and walks up to the bartender to order a beer. He notices a jar of money behind the counter. He asks the bartender what the jar is all about.
"We have a little contest going on here," the bartender replies. "Want to play?"
"OK, how?" asks the man.
The bartender explains, "Well, first you put some money in the jar and then you have to Justify Fullcomplete three tasks. You finish all three and the money in the jar is yours."
"What are the three tasks?" the man asks.
"Well," replies the bartender holding up a little bottle, "First you have to drink this bottle of hot sauce. It's from Africa, and it's hotter than anything you've ever tasted."
"OK," replies the man.
The bartender continues, "Then there's a dog out back. Mean, nasty old thing. She has a bad tooth, and it's causing her a lot of pain. You have to pull it out."
The man thinks for a moment.
"Finally," the bartender says, "there's an old woman in the back of the bar. See her?" He points to a large woman sitting in the corner who is smiling and waving. "She hasn't been with a man in over 30 years. You have to sleep with her."
"Let me think about it," the man says. He goes back to his table and finishes his beer. Then he has a few more. Then a few more. Eventually, he gets up the courage to do the three tasks. He staggers back to the bartender, shoves a bill into the jar and and exclaims, "I'll do it! Let me see that sauce!"
The bartender hands him the sauce. He swills it down, howls loudly and runs for the drinking fountain.
"OK, the dog?" he says.
"Out back," the bartender says.
The man goes out back. For several minutes, yelping and scratching noises are heard. They eventually die down.
"Alright," the man says loudly as he staggers back into the bar. "Where's that lady who needs her tooth pulled?"

Humor jokes-Noisy Neighbor

Young Jock McTavish from Glasgow went to study at a university in England and was living in the hall of residence. After a week his mother rang him. "How do you get along with the other students, Jock?" she asked.
"Well," he replied, "They are terribly noisy people. The one on one side keeps banging his head on the wall. The one on the other side screams all night."
"Oh Jock!" said his mother. "How do you manage to put up with such noisy neighbours?"
"I don't do anything. I just sit here quietly, playing my bagpipes!"

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Dirty jokes-Organist

There was a church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.
She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said.......
"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday"

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Really funny jokes-Two old men

Two very elderly friends, Max and Ralph met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Ralph didn't show up. Max didn't think much about it, figuring maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Ralph hadn't shown up for a week or so Max really got worried. However, the only time they ever got together anymore was at the park, and Max could not remember where Ralph lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month passed and Max figured old Ralph had gone to his heavenly reward. but one day Max went to the park and, lo and behold, there sat Ralph.
Max was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Ralph, what happened to you???"
Ralph replied, "I have been in jail."
Jail???," cried Max! "What in the world for???"
"Well," Ralph said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we get coffee sometimes?"
"Yeah," said Max, "I remember her. what about her?"
"Well, one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she charged me with rape. I was so proud of what everyone would think an old fart like me could still do, that when I got into court, I pleaded 'Guilty'".
The judge then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury."

Sardar jokes-Pin

Q. What do you do when a Sardar throws a pin at you?
A. Run like crazy….he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Funny adult jokes-Mother of Six

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

Animal jokes-Talking Dog !

A guy was driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale '
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Beagle replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the United States Marines You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs.'
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.
I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's such a bullshitter ... He never did any of that shit. He was in the Navy!'

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Really funny jokes-Newly weds

The newly weds arrived at the front desk of the posh ocean-side resort in Hilton Head, South Carolina, looking all fresh, and eager to enjoy their two week vacation / honeymoon.
The stunning blonde at the front desk smiled and said, "Well, hi Jimmy baby, how ya been lover ? Long time no see."
A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room.
Once inside, the piqued bride demanded: "And just who was THAT woman ?!?!?"
The groom wiped his brow and said, "Just relax honey. Please ! I'm going to have enough trouble explaining you to her."

Humor jokes-Empty nest

When their children had all left home, the wife read an article that was meant to help couples deal with the empty nest.
She explained some of the ideas to her husband.
He nodded in agreement to all the things she said.
Then she told him the article suggested that they spice up their marriage by going out on dates.
He asked, "With each other?"

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Adult jokes-Golfing Underwear

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. 'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing
any skivvies?', Ole demanded. Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any. The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not? She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me. Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. 'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any. The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says,
'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yourself up a bit.

Doctor jokes-Memory problem

One patient came in and said, 'Doctor, I have a serious memory problem.'
The doctor asked, 'When did it start?'
The man replied, When did what start?'

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Really funny jokes-Lawyer

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he said, "Hi, there, good lookin'! How's it goin'?"
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen - I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat love it!"
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

Clean jokes-Substitute

A College student, who was on the football team, took his new girlfriend to a home game.
They found their seats in the crowded arena and watched the action.
An announcement was made that a substitute player was being put into the game. He ran out onto the field and took his position.
The student said to his girlfriend, "Take a good look at that player. I expect him to be our best man next year."
His girlfriend smiled and snuggled up to him. "Oh, sweetie!" she said. "That's the strangest way I've ever heard a boy propose to a girl, but regardless of how you said it, I accept!"

Monday, February 2, 2009

Funny adult jokes-Quarrel

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"

Blonde jokes-Did you hear about the blonde who:

1)had more on her body than on her mind?
2)was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean?
3)took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
4)got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Really funny jokes-Confession

A retired Italian wine maker went to the village church to make his confession for the first time in many decades. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! You have no need to confess it."
"It's worse than that, Father," he continued. "She quickly started to repay me with, uh, you know, favors."
"People in wartime sometimes act in ways they wouldn't under normal conditions," the priest replied. "If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a relief," the man said. He then added, "I have one more question."
"What is it, my son?" the priest asked.
The man answered, "She is pretty old now. Should I tell her the war is over?"