Adult funny jokes-Who Am I?

One Monday morning, a mailman was walking the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approached one of the houses, he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. He was wondering why the couple was home on a workday.
Just then, Bob, the homeowner, came out with a recycling bin full of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow, Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the mailman commented.
Bob, still feeling cranky from the weekend, replied, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 AM Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing Who Am I?"
"How do you play that?" the mailman asked.
Bob answered, "Well that's when all us guys go in the bedroom and take off our clothes. Then we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through the opening in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughed and said, "Damn! I'm sorry I missed that!"
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob said. "Your name came up four or five times."

Humor of the day -Why some men have dogs and not wives

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'
9. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
10. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
11. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Indian Sardar Jokes - Relax

One Sardar was enjoying Sun on a Beach in America. A lady came and asked him, " Are you relaxing (relax singh)" Sardar answered '" No I am Banta Singh" Another Guy Came and asked the same Question. Sardar answered " No No Me Banta Singh" Third one came and asked the same question Sardar was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place. While walking he saw another Sardar enjoying the Beach. He went and asked him " Are you Relaxing?" The other Sardar was much educated and answered "Yes I am relaxing " Our Sardar slapped him on his face and said, " Salay, Sab tere Ko wahah doond rahe hai aur tu Yahaan Aaram Kar raha hai.(Everybody is searching you there and you are enjoying here.)"

Really funny jokes-Gonna catch

A man sees a kid carrying a roll of chicken wire.
He asks, "Kid, what are you doing with that chicken wire?"
The kid replies, "I'm gonna catch some chickens."
The man says, "You aren't going to catch chickens with chicken wire."
Later, the kid returns with 5 chickens caught in chicken wire.
The next day, the man sees the kid with a roll of duct tape.
He asks, "Kid, what are you doing with that duct tape?"
The kid replies, "I'm gonna catch some ducks."
The man says, "You aren't gonna catch ducks with duct tape."
Later, the kid returns with 5 ducks caught in duct tape.
The next day, the man sees the kid with a bundle of pussy willows.
He says, "Wait a minute kid, I'll get my hat."

Clean jokes-Accident report

A woman was filling out an accident report. She had dented a parked car while trying to park her own. One question on the report was, "What could the operator of the other vehicle have done to avoid the accident?"
She wrote, "He could have parked it somewhere else."

Adult jokes-Penance

As soon as she had finished parochial school in Memphis, a bright young, lass named Becky shook the dust of the convent scholl off her shoes and made her way to Las Vegas where before long, she became a head-liner dancer in a casino show.
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant.
She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. Stepped out of the confessional within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and back flips.
Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Becky's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"

Blonde jokes-Flight enquiry

A blonde called a travel agent and asked, "How long is a flight from New York to San Francisco?" "Just a minute," said the agent.
The blonde said thank you and hung up.

Really funny jokes-Fit

As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under the seat. Later, I called the company and was relieved that the driver had found my bag.
When I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded me. One man handed me my pocketbook, two typewritten pages and a box containing the contents of my purse.
"We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses," he explained. "I think you'll find everything there."
As I started to put my belongings back into the pocketbook, the man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse - and we'd like to see just how you do it."

Humor jokes-To heaven

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Adult jokes-Wedding ring

Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off his penis after his mistress found the ring in his pants pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.
One must ponder which is worse:
1. Having your mistress find out you're married.
2. Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3. or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

Kids jokes-What does your Daddy do?

A third grade teacher was getting to know her pupils on the first day of school. She turned to one little girl and asked,
"What does your Daddy do?" The girl replied,
"Whatever my Mommy tells him to do."

Funny Picture - Barack Obama

Really funny jokes-Endearing

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names."
Morris hung his head and whispered - "To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!"

Short funny jokes-We've got to talk

When a man says, "We've got to talk," the woman hears, "We're going to have a nice conversation."
When a woman says, "We've got to talk," a man hears, "Will the defendant please rise?"

Adult jokes-Party emblem

The Prime Minister has today announced that the Party is changing its emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party's political stance.
A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks and gives a sense of security while screwing others.

Really funny jokes-Order

Two scandinavian young men from up in Minnesota were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.
Ole says to the Sven "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?"
Sven replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"
Ole says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one."
Sven smiles and pats him on the back. "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too."
Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend Ole, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?"
Ole replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"

Clean jokes-Overweight woman

A grossly overweight woman gets on a train and seats herself next to a man during rush hour.
The train was packed and the woman turns to the man and says, "If YOU were a gentleman, you'd stand and let one of these other ladies sit down!"
The man looks at her and replies, "And if YOU were a lady, you'd stand and let FIVE or SIX of them sit down!!"

Short funny jokes-Wheel

What happened when the wheel was invented?
It caused a revolution.

Adult jokes-Dr. Bimbola

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Bimbola from Africa about enlarging her breasts.
Dr Bimbola advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say,'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'
She did this faithfully for several months!
To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'
A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Bimbola's?'
'Yes I am.. How did you know?'
He, winked and whispered, ' Hickory dickory dock...'

Humor jokes-False teeth

A professional famous speaker was in rush for a dinner presentation that when he arrived at gathering and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth!"
The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said. The speaker tried them. "Thanks, but they're too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair...try these."
The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said,
"I have one more pair... try them." The speaker said, "They fit perfectly!"
With that he ate his meal and gave his address.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid.
Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "Oh I'm not a dentist sir. I work at the morgue.."

Really funny jokes-High cost

Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that came with it, my brother Dustin was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.
"If you got married," teased my dad, "the premium would be lower."
Dustin smiled. "That would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts."

Kids jokes-Drawing

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

Adult jokes-Small

So, have you all heard the joke about the guy with the tiny penis who's at the doctor's for a physical?
Doctor says, Well, you're in excellent health, but I couldn't help noticing that , uh, your penis is quite small. Does that cause you any trouble?
The guy says, Well, maybe a little, when I have to piss.
The doctor says, What about sex? Do you have trouble then?
The guy says, Oh, no! Because then there are two of us looking for it!

Blonde jokes-Turn signals

A guy and his blonde girlfriend are driving to the movies one night for a date.
As the guy was making a right turn, he noticed his turn signal light inside the car didn't light up at all. So as he approached the next right turn, he asked his girlfriend to please stick her head out the window and tell him if his turn signal is working.
She happily obliges and at the turn she sticks her head out the window and replies, "It is... It isn't... It is... It isn't... It is... It isn't.""

Really funny jokes-Baptist dinner

A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Al and Janet to be
the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak.
But mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, 'No mushrooms. They are too high.'
He said, 'Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.'
She said, 'No, some wild mushrooms are poison.'
He said,
'Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.'
So Janet decided to give it a try.
She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, diced them for her smothered steak .
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful.
Ol' Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve.
She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.
After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes. About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Janet's ear.
She said, 'Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died.'
Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him
what had happened.
The doctor said,
'That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there
as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.'
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, 'I think everything will be fine now.' and he left.
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper
lady came in and said,
'You know, that fella that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped.'

Doctor jokes

Let me tell you about my doctor

He gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said, ' Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible.' The doctor said, 'Tell him I can't see him.'
Another time a man came-running in the office and yelled, 'Doctor, doctor!! My son just swallowed a roll of film!!' The doctor calmly replied, 'Let's just wait and see what develops.'

Funny adult jokes-Rules

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

Humor jokes-Ladies man

Bill had been quite the ladies man and player all his life, but now that he was getting up there in age, his doctor was getting concerned about him.
"Bill," advised the doctor, "I can add 15 more years to your life if you will just quit your old routine of wine, women, and song."
Bill thought for a few minutes, then said, "Tell you what doc, I'll settle for five more years and just give up singing."

Short funny jokes-Date

Q: Why did the apple go out with a fig?
A: Because it couldn't find a date.

Really funny jokes-Unemployment

Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off they go to the unemployment office.
Asked his occupation, the first guy says, "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gives him $300, a week's unemployment pay.
The second guy was asked his occupation.
"Diesel fitter," he replies.
Since diesel fitter is a skilled job the clerk gives the second guy $600 a week.
When the first guy finds out he's furious. He storms back in to find out why his friend and co-worker is collecting double his pay. The clerk explains: "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor."
"What skill?" yells the panty stitcher. "I sew the elastic on and he pulls on it and says, 'Yep, diesel fitter.' "

Adult jokes-Costume Party

John and Grace were invited to a swanky masked Halloween party.
At the last minute, Grace got a terrible headache and decided she needed to rest. She told John to go to the party alone.
"I don't want to go alone honey," he said. "I'll stay home too."
"No, it's OK," Grace said. "I'll just take some aspirin and go to bed.
You go to the party and have a good time. I don't want you to miss out on all the fun."
So John took his costume and was off to the party.
Grace took the aspirin and slept a little while. When she awoke, her headache had disappeared. It was still early, so she decided to go to the party after all. John didn't know what her costume was, so she thought she would have a little fun with that.
She arrived at the party and soon recognized her husband by his costume. He was cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing up a storm with all the women and even flirting with and kissing a few. She sidled up to him and became his new dance partner. He began putting the moves on her. She let him go as far as he wished, since he was her husband after all. He then whispered a little proposition in her ear. She accepted, and they went upstairs, found an empty room,
locked the door and had themselves a passionate romp in the sack.
Just before unmasking at midnight, Grace slipped out, went home, put the costume away, got into bed and waited for John to come home,
wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in. "So how was the party?" she asked.
"Oh, the same old thing," he answered. "You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
She then asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "To tell you the truth, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a good time!"

Short humor jokesSubscription

Why did the Vampire subscribe to USA Today?
He heard it had great circulation.

Really funny jokes-Parrot's vocabulary

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to do to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes, the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then, suddenly, there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched hand and said 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.'
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,
'May I ask, please, what the turkey did?'

Blonde's Headset

A hairdresser was trying to cut a blonde's hair but, because she refused to take off the headset of her iPod, he found his task very difficult. Finally, exasperated, he pulled off the handset and she collapsed on the floor.
An ambulance rushed her to hospital but too late, she was dead. The hairdresser felt very bad about this but wondered what she was listening to.
He put on the headset and heard the words, "Breathe in....breathe out....breathe in....!"

Funny adult jokes-Pinocchio

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex.
Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

Humor jokes-Overconfidence !

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said,
"But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

Really funny jokes-An Irish Pub Joke

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. Each orders a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and land-- one, two, three-- in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another... the Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches in to the glass, grabs the fly between his fingers and shakes him as hard as he can, shouting 'Spit it out, ya bloody bastard! Spit it out!'

Clean jokes-Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the Tax Department. Can you help us?'
'I can!' '
Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation? '
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

Short funny jokes-Milk shake

How do you make a milkshake?
You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!"

Adult jokes-Smart lady

A soldier walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
A lady cashier walked up to him and said, 'Your barracks door is open.'
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, 'Your fly is open.' He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his 'barracks door.' He was planning to have a little fun with her; so when he reached the counter he said, 'When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?'
The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, 'No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.

Humor jokes-Asthma attack!

Matthew sets up Andrew to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Andrew is a little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.

"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Andrew, "I'll be stuck with her all night."
"Don't worry." Matthew says. "Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't, just shout Aaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack."
So that night, Andrew knocks at the girl's door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. Andrew's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, "Aaauuuggghh!"

Really funny jokes-Priceless

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'

Kids jokes-May I?

L.Johnny: Can I go to the toilet?
Teacher: Johhny, MAY I go to the toilet?
L.Johnny: But I asked first!

Short funny jokes-Vacation

Why don't mummies take vacations?
They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.

Adult jokes-The Wee Stump Inn

Two executives were deep in a Highland forest, on an orienteering weekend arranged by their firm. Neither had any real map reading skills and they'd become separated from the other members of their team. All they knew was that the final rendezvous point was a remote pub. 'The Wee Stump Inn'.
They trudged through the woods for hours hopelessly lost until they came to what looked like a fork in the forestry trail. They couldn't agree on which path to try. Eventually they decide to take one path each. They shake hands and resolve that last man back to the pub will pay for the drinks. Four hours later, the bloke that chose the correct fork is sitting snug at the pub fireside, enjoying his pint, when his mate staggers in. He's cut, bleeding, battered and bruised as if he's been mugged by a rugby scrum.
Once they've got the 'victim' settled, he explains how he'd gone around in circles for ages until he heard the sound of an idling car engine. He made right for the sound and found a motor in a clearing at the end of what looked like a 'lovers' lane'. The car was all steamed up and he couldn't see who was inside but he could hear more than one voice.
Realizing he could ask for directions he approached the driver's door. The exec then told the assembled crowd that the guy in the car had obviously been an absolute psychopath, cause, as soon as he'd knocked at the car window and asked, "How far is the Wee Stump Inn?" he jumped out the car and beat seven shades of shit out of him!!!

Really funny jokes-Discharge

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered Edna to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Clean jokes-A walking economy

This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend, "You know, Benny's a walking economy."
His friend replies, "How so?"
"His hair line is in recession, his stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting him into a deep depression."

Funny adult jokes-The Voodoo penis

A Florida businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said,
'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except ... the Voodoo Penis !'
The husband said 'The what' ?
The man repeated 'The Voodoo Penis' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo !'
The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Voodoo Penis, door !'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said
'Voodoo Penis, return to box !' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife, And after the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said 'Voodoo Penis, my crotch.' The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said 'I haven't had anything to drink
officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me .'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied,
'Yeah right ... Voodoo Penis, my ass!'

Office jokes

What do you call 12 investment bankers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

Really funny jokes-Back to the States

This lady went to the Holy Lands with her daughter and son in law. While she was there she was a royal pain in the you know what. The food was either too spicey, or not seasoned at all. The weather was always too hot, all she did all the time that she was there was complain about everything. She even complained that the toilet tissue was to rough. Well her son in law had just about had it. And he was about ready to ship her home, when out of the blue she passed away.
Well the son in law went to the undertaker there. The undertaker said there was two options, they could send her body to the States which would cost $15,000 or they could bury her there at a cost of $150.
The son in law thought for a while and he decided to send her back to the States. The undertaker could not understand why he wanted to spend so much money to send her back to the States, when it was so much cheaper to take care of things there.
So he asked him why he was wanting to send her back to the States.
The son in law said, "Look 2000 years ago you buried a guy in a tomb over here and in 3 days he came back to life, I don't want to take that chance with her."

Blonde jokes-Quarterback

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They hadv great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'
Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'
'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! ' I'm like... Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!

Short funny jokes-Group of accountants

What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?
Go into town and gang-audit someone.

Adult jokes-Three village women

There were three village women getting ready to take a plane trip for the first time.
The first woman said, "I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties beefo I get on dat plane."
"Why you gonna wear dem fo?" the other two asked?
The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first."
The second woman said, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floeesant orange panties."
"Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked.
The second woman answered, "Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first."
The third woman says, "Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties........
"What? No panties?" the others asked in disbelief.
The third woman says, "Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't wearing any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look for da black box first."

Short Funny jokes-Waterloo

A very thirsty man goes into a bar. As he's sitting down, he hears the man next to him tell the bartender, "I'll have another waterloo."
The bartender gives the fellow a tall, well-iced drink, then asks the newcomer what he would like to drink. Thinking the other man's drink may be a specialty of the house,
he says, "I'll have a waterloo, too."
The bartender gives him the tall, well-iced drink and the customer takes a big drink.
"Hey," he says. "This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"
The man next to him looks at the bartender and says, "Well, it is water. Right, Lou?"

Really funny jokes-Drunk

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland"
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am"
The first guy says, "So am I and where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I.
And what street did you live on in Dublin ?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & begora it's a small world, so did I.! So did I.
And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.
Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters,
"It's going to be a long night tonight".
Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"
"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

Sardar jokes-Pressed

As the crowded elevator descended, Banta's wife, Preeto, became increasingly furious with Banta, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous girl.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the girl suddenly whirled,
slapped Banta, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Banta was halfway to the parking lot with Preeto when he choked, "I... I... didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't," said Preeto, consolingly, "I did."

Short funny jokes-Grocery money

He said . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

Adult jokes-Hook

This young lady, sitting in a wheelchair at the local city pub, said that she had to leave. Her drinking companion Bill, being somewhat of a noble fellow, decided that -- as her home was uphill and some streets away -- offered to push her home. On the way home, they stopped to rest and to chat. Full of alcoholic bravado, he remarked that she was a good looking gal and that it was too bad that, being a cripple, she probably didn't get much chance for any normal escapades.
Surprisingly, she answered quite boldly that this was not the case. In fact, she said, "if you look in the alleyway you will see a hook imbedded in the wall. If you will attach my braces to that hook, we can easily have a fine time."
No sooner said than done and they had a wonderful time. At the end, he carefully unhooked her, placed her back in the wheelchair, and took her home.
As he was saying goodnight, her father came to the door and invited the young man in for a nightcap after he took his daughter up to bed. When he came down, the father was so friendly and nice that Bill's conscience began to prod him.
Blushing somewhat, he admitted to the father that he had "had his way" with his daughter. The father took the statement with such good graces that Bill had to ask why he was being treated so well after doing such a dastardly thing to his daughter.
The father looked at him quite seriously and said, "I knew you were a good man the moment you came in the door. Most of her other dates leave her hanging on that damn hook!"

Doctor jokes-Came back

Nurse: Hello. I'm calling about the check you wrote. It came back.
Patient: So did my arthritis.

Really short funny jokes-Last Minute Change

A bride called to make a change to her wedding registry. It is common, almost expected, that a bride will change something on her registry at least once (dishes, color of towels, etc.).
The Customer Service Representative told her that J.C. Penney would be happy to make the change. He asked if the bride wanted to change the dishes or the linens.
The bride said, "No, keep all that. I just wanted to change the name of the groom."

Really funny adult jokes- Black Panties

Maria had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Maria said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mum! I have someone for you to meet.'
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend at Surfers Paradise. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black, lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?'
She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.'
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same-she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: 'What's with the black condom?'
He replied, 'I want to offer my deepest condolences!

Short Funny jokes-Tech support

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

Really funny jokes-Wild wild West

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gun-fighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who -- in his day -- had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.
The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.
"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cuff-link off the piano player.
"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon.
"See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much if it's greased up first."

Financial meltdown jokes

Quote of the day from a trader:
"This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."

Adult funny jokes-Condoms

President Vladimir Putin called Tony Blair with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "my people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"
"Vladimir, the English people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the Prime minister.
"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Blair.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Putin.
"No problem," replied tony Blair and, with that, he hung up and called the President of Durex. "I need a favour, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the President of Durex.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said tony Blair, "print 'MADE IN ENGLAND, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one.

Blonde jokes-Tan

One day 2 blondes walked into a tanning salon.
One blonde said, "A tan for 2 please!"
The cashier said, " Ok," filled out a form for them and asked, "Are you two sisters?"
They chuckled and replied, "No, we aren't even Catholic."

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