Short funny jokes-Laundry

How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable."

Really funny jokes-Secret to a long life

A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life. He said,
"You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."
So the young lad did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.
When he died, he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Ultimate jokes-Drunken driving

The Policeman had stopped the man for obvious drunken driving, but since the guy had a clean record, he made him park the car and took him home in the patrol car.
"Are you sure this is your house?" the cop asked as they drove into a rather fashionable neighborhood.
"Shertainly! " said the drunk, "and if you'll just open the door f'me, I can prove it to ya."
The police officer followed the man as he shakily negotiated the stairs to the second floor.
The drunk pushed open the first door they came to.
"Thish ish my bedroom," he announced. "Shee the bed there? Thast mine! Shee that woman lying in the bed? Thash my wife. An' see that guy lying next to her?
"Yeah?" the cop replied suspiciously. Beginning at this point to seriously doubt the man's story.
"Well, thash me!"

Funny jokes-Optician

Waiting for my glasses to be repaired, I heard the optician trying to convince a customer she needed a stronger prescription.
"I'm fine with what I have," she insisted.
"Okay," he challenged, "what does it say on the store window across the street?"
"'30% to 40% off all merchandise' "
"That's incredible."
"Not really," she said. "I never miss a sale."

Lawyer jokes-In the court

At the height of a business corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked Zardari the witness.
"Isn't it true," bellowed the lawyer , "that you accepted Fifty million Rupees to compromise this case?"
Zardari stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question. "Isn't it true that you accepted Fifty million Rupees to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
Zardari still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Zardari , please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled Zardari said, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, I thought he was talking to you."

Really funny jokes-No children

At their high school reunion Sarah and Esther meet up for the first time in fifty years. Sarah begins to tell Esther about her children, "My son is a doctor, and he's got four kids. My daughter is married to a lawyer, and they have three great kids. So tell me, Esther, how about your kids?"
Esther replies, "Unfortunately, Morty and I don't have any children and so we have no grandchildren either."
Sarah: "No children and no grandchildren! So tell me, Esther, what do you do for aggravation? "

Really funny jokes-Talmudic Wisdom

A Priest meets his friend, the Rabbi, and says to him, "You have taught me many things but there is one thing in particular I want to learn very much but you do not wish to teach it to me. I want you to teach me the Talmud."

The Rabbi replied: "You are a Non-Jew and you have the brain of a Non-Jew. There is no chance that you will succeed in understanding the Talmud."

But the Priest continued in his attempt to persuade the Rabbi to teach him the Talmud.

Finally, the Rabbi agreed. The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "I agree to teach you the Talmud on condition that you answer one question."

The Priest agreed and asked the Rabbi, "What is the question?"

The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "Two men fall down through the chimney; one comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who of those two goes to wash up?"

"Very simple," replied the Priest. "The one who is dirty goes to wash up but the one who is clean does not go to wash up."

The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "I told you that you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud. The exact opposite happened. The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks that he is also dirty, goes to wash up. The dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up."

The Priest then says to the Rabbi: "This I did not think of. Ask me, please, another question."

The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "Two men fall down through the chimney; one comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who of those two goes to wash up?"

The Priest then says to the Rabbi: "Very simple. The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks he is also dirty and goes to wash up. The dirty one on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up."

The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "You are wrong again.

I told you that you will not understand. The clean one looks into the mirror, sees that he is clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up. The dirty one looks into the mirror, sees that he is dirty and goes to wash up."

The Priest complains to the Rabbi, "But you did not tell me that there is a mirror there."

The Rabbi then tells the Priest: "I told you. You are a Non-Jew; with your brain you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud. According to the Talmud, you have to think of all the possibilities."

"All right," groaning, said the Priest to the Rabbi. "Let us try once more. Ask me one more question."

For the last time, the Rabbi then said to the Priest: "Two men fall down through the chimney; one comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who of those two goes to wash up?"

"That is very simple!" replied the Priest. "If there is no mirror there the clean one will look at the dirty one and will think that he is also dirty and will, therefore, go to wash up. The dirty one will look at the clean one and will think that he is also clean, and will, therefore, not go to wash up. If there is a mirror there, the clean one will look into the mirror and will, therefore, not go to wash up. The dirty one will look into the mirror and will see that he is dirty and will, therefore, go to wash up.

The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "I told you that you would not succeed in understanding. You are a Non-Jew; you have a Non-Jew brain. Tell me, how is it possible for two men to fall through a chimney and for one to come out dirty and the other to come out clean?"

Teacher jokes-Complicated concept

One day the professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted, demanding, "Why do we have to learn all this stuff?"
"To save lives," the professor responded quickly, and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So, how exactly does physics save lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps the idiots out of medical school," replied the professor.

Short funny jokes-Hurricanes

Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.

Really funny jokes-Southern home security

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads: Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour.

P.S. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

Really funny jokes-Goat for Dinner

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner."

Clean jokes-Successful businessman

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

Doctor jokes-Animated discussion

Two Indian doctors working in an American hospital were having an animated discussion.
"I say it's spelt W-R-R-O-O-M," said one.
"No, it is W-O-O-M-B," said the other.
A nurse passing by said, "Excuse me, you are both wrong. It is spelled W-O-M-B."

"Thanks nurse," said one, "but we prefer to settle this argument ourselves. Besides, we don't think you are in a position to describe the sound of an elephant farting underwater."

Really funny jokes-Theory of Relativity

An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
"Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an hour seems like a minute."
The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"

Short funny jokes-Hijackers' demands

A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of politicians.
They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one politician every hour.

Clean jokes-Lift

Moshe was at his golf club and went into the clubhouse to see whether anyone could offer him a lift to Manhattan. His own car was in the shop being serviced.
"Sure," said Irving, "I'll give you a lift. My Rolls Royce is just outside."
As they're driving along, Moshe says, "Irving, what's that thing on the dashboard making a soft humming sound all the time?"
"That's my digital clock."
A few minutes later, Moshe asks, "And what's that thing on the dashboard moving up and down?"
"That's my tachometer," says Irving.
Then a few minutes after that, Moshe starts to ask, "What's that...."
"Hold on a minute, Moshe," says Irving, "I can see you've never been in a Rolls Royce before."
"Yes I have, but I've never been in the front seat."

Really funny jokes-Same bed

An older couple was asking for a room with a king, queen or double bed.
The clerk apologized and said that the only rooms available had twin beds.
Disappointed, the man remarked, "I don't know. We've been sharing the same bed for 44 years."
"Could you possibly put them close together?" the wife asked.
Several people nearby smiled, and someone commented, "How romantic."
Then the woman finished her request with, "Because if he snores, I want him close enough to be able to punch him."

Clean jokes-Great writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Obama jokes

In his Saturday radio address, President Barack Obama told Somali pirates he is sending Vice-President Joe Biden to meet with them aboard their dinghy to resolve the crisis.

''I will not be held hostage to a situation that was allowed to grow and fester under the previous administration. President Bush never reached out to the Somali pirate community; instead, he arrogantly dismissed them as barbarians and thieves.''

The President said the high seas entrepreneurs mistakenly targeted a U. S. Flagged vessel because of dense fog caused by global warming. He has authorized Vice-President Biden to share the Navy's ship identification technology with pirates to avoid a repeat of the incident. In addition, the President said he is prepared to meet the pirates at the White House for talks.

''I fully acknowledge that decades of American imperialism have led us to this point,'' the President continued. ''However, this all must come to an end by the Sunday morning talk shows. If that deadline passes with no resolution, I will order the American warships to withdraw, leaving Joe Biden in that lifeboat with the pirates until they come to their senses and beg to be rescued themselves. The choice is theirs.''

Short funny jokes-Ink

Why did the farmer call his pig "Ink?"
Because it was always running out of the pen.

Really funny jokes-Jewish couple

A Jewish couple won $40 million in the lottery. They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion in Sands Point, L.I., and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable. Then they decided to hire a butler. They found the perfect butler through an agency, very proper and very British, and brought him back to their home. The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room table for four, as they were inviting the Cohens to lunch.
The couple then left the house to do some shopping. When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the butler why eight when they had specifically instructed him to set the table for four.
The butler replied, "The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Blintzes and the Knishes."

Diary of a Blonde Wife

*Monday:*
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.
*Tuesday:*
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.
*Wednesday:*
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.
*Thursday:*
Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I'll try to be supportive.
*Friday:*
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did,to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.
*Saturday:*
Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it's little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work,or he wanted the chicken to dance. When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out "why me? why me ?" Hmmm....It must be his job.

Really funny jokes-A Nordakota cow

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be North Dakota for you non- Scandahoovians out there).
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if she gives milk.
When he grabs the teat and pulls... the cow farts. Ole is very surprised. He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again.
He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after
some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home.
When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.'
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat and the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, 'You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?'
Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how did you know?'
Sven says, 'My wife is from Nordakota.'

Kids jokes-Jumping in beds

Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would hurt himself badly.
Several minutes passed and he was back to jumping on the beds.
Connie said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were you?"
He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying, but it's so hard to quit."

Clean jokes-Signing a cheque

Louise went into her bank to cash a cheque. She looked so hesitant that the cashier went to help her. 'Please sign the back of the cheque, 'the teller told her, 'as you'd sign a letter.'
Louise looked extremely grateful, scribbled on the cheque and passed it back to the cashier.
Signed on the back was: 'Yours affectionately, Louise.'

Really funny jokes-Husband's infidelity

"Your Honor," she told the judge, "I want a divorce. My husband has been cheating on me."
"That is a serious accusation," the judge said. "Do you have any evidence to substantiate this claim of your husband's infidelity?"
"Yes, Your Honor. Just last night I was walking down Broadway when I saw him go into a movie with another woman."
"Who was this other woman?" the judge asked.
"I don't know. I never saw her before."
"Then why didn't you follow them into the theatre and find out who she was. It may have been just a harmless coincidence. You should have gone in after them."
"I would have," she explained, "but the fellow I was with had already seen the movie."

Short funny jokes-Hearing loss

What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

Light bulb jokes-Therapists

Q: How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but first she'll have it give a detailed description of its childhood, and tell her the first thought comes to mind when it hears the words: monkeyblabingooglep lex, and antidisestablishmen tarniasm.

Really funny jokes-I know everyone

Patel was bragging to his boss one day,' You know, I know everyone there is to know.. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.'
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, 'OK, Patel how about Tom Cruise?' 'Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.' So Patel and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, 'Patel! Great to see you!'
You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!' Although impressed, Patel's boss is still skeptical.
After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Patel that he thinks Patel's knowing Cruise was just lucky. 'No, no, just name anyone else,’ Patel says.
'President Clinton,' his boss quickly retorts.
'Yes,' Patel says, 'I know him, let's fly out to Washington.' And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Patel on the tour and motions
him and his boss over, saying, 'Patel , what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up.'
Well, the boss is much shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Patel who again implores him to name anyone else.
'The Pope,' his boss replies. 'Sure!' says Patel. 'My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time.'
So off they fly to Rome...Patel and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Patel says ,'This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope.' And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Patel emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Patel returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Patel asks him, 'What happened?'
His boss looks up and says, 'I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, who's that on the balcony with Patel ?

Quality jokes-Transplants

The patient demanded, "Doc, I just must have a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a cornea transplant, a lung transplant, and a heart transplant."
"WHAT?" yelled the doctor. "Tell me, exactly why you think you need all these transplants. "
"Well," explained the patient, "my boss told me that I needed to get reorganized. "

Funny farm jokes-Amazing talking cow

A man's car stalled on a country road one morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story.
"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied.
"Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a thing about cars."

Really funny jokes-Eyes water

A school teacher asks her class 'What vegetable makes your eyes water?'
Little Johnny replies ' a turnip miss'.
'No Johnny' says the teacher, 'I believe you are thinking of an onion, aren't you?'
'No miss' Says Johnny, 'Have you never been hit in the balls with a turnip?'

Really funny jokes-Sinking ship

Left on a sinking ship were the Captain and three sailors. The Captain spoke first.
"Men, this business about a Captain going down with this ship is nonsense. There's a three-man life raft on board and I'm going to be on it. To see who will come with me, I will ask you each
one question. The one who can't answer will stay behind. Here's the first question :
What unsinkable ship went down when it hit an iceberg ?"
The first sailor answered, "The Titanic,Sir."
"On to the next question: How many people perished?"
The second sailor said, "One thousand five hundred and seventeen, Sir"
"Now for the third question," and the Captain turned to sailor number three.
"What were their names?"

Short funny jokes-Whiter

Michael Jackson’s death has now been ruled a suicide.
Apparently doctors told him that the only way he could get whiter is if he died.

Really funny jokes-Drowning Woman

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"
The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law. "
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

Really funny jokes-Head Cleaner

Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend: What tape did you took anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.

Funny jokes clean -The holy man

A yogi (holy man) walked into a pizza parlor.
"Make me one with everything," he said to the waiter.
When the Yogi got the pizza, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill. The proprietor pocketed the bill. The Yogi said "Don't I get change?"
The proprietor said, "Change must come from within."

Short funny jokes-Punishment

What is the best punishment for a woman?

Give her new clothes,
matching her jewelry,
and nice cosmetics and then,
lock her in a room without a mirror

Short funny jokes-Worse

What's worse finding a worm in a apple?
A half eaten worm!

Really funny jokes-Scuba diving

I was talking on the phone with my son, who was stationed in Hawaii with the Air Force.
He was explaining how the troops were learning to scuba-dive. "We used the buddy system," he said, "and occasionally dived into shark-infested waters."
Listening on the extension, my daughter asked, "What do you do if you see a shark?"
My son said, "Swim faster than my buddy."

Jokes funny-Door to door

Two church members were going door to door. They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open. Seeing the two church members at the door frustrated her. She stormed back to the door and flung it shut.
But the door still didn't close. Furious, she grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door wouldn't shut.
Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.
Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."

Really funny jokes-Adam's questions

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he said, "Excuse me God, can I ask you a few questions?"
God replied, "Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create."
So Adam says, "When you created Eve, why did you make her body so curved and tender unlike mine?"
"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did you give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"
"I did that Adam so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did you make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"
"Well, Adam no. I did that so that she could love you."

Hilarious short jokes-Birthday gift

Dad : Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son : Not much dad, just a radio with a sports car around it.

Jokes on Marriage-Invited for supper

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

Short funny jokes-Sick and tired

"How are things going with you?"
"So so. I left my job, because of illness and fatigue."
"Sorry to hear that. What happened?"
"My boss got sick and tired of me."

Jokes funny-Accidents

A cowboy went to buy an insurance policy and the agent asked, "Have you ever had an accident?"
"Nope," replied the cowboy, "but last summer, a bronco kicked in two of my ribs... and a couple of years ago, a rattlesnake bit me on the ankle."
"Wouldn't you call those accidents?" quizzed the puzzled agent.
"Naw," the cowboy replied. "They did it on purpose!"

Short jokes-Moos

Why are mooos afraid ?
Because they're all cow words.

Short funny jokes-For the first time

The little girl went to church for the first time. As she was leaving with her parents, the minister asked how she had liked church.
"I liked the music," she replied, "but the commercial was too long."