Really funny jokes-Engineer

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day G~d calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators,
and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
G~d replies, "What??? You've got an engineer?
That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
G~d says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?

Humor jokes-Change something

Bill was having a drink in a bar with his friend Doug.
Doug asked, "If you were given a choice to change something 'bout you, what would you change?"
Bill said, "I wouldn't gamble."
"Did you lose a lot of money?" Doug asked sympathetically.
"No, I made a lot of money," Bill muttered. "But, I used it to get married."

Really funny jokes-The New Lawyer

A prominent lawyer's son dreamed of following in his father's footsteps. After graduating from college and law school with honors, he returned home to join his father's firm, intent on proving himself to be a skilled and worthy attorney.
At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, Father! The Smith case, that you always said would go on forever -- the one you have been toiling on for ten years -- in one single day, I settled that case and saved the client a fortune!"
His father frowned, and scolded his son, "I did not say that it WOULD go on forever, son. I said that it COULD go on forever! When you saw me toiling on that case for days and weeks at a time, didn't it ever occur to you that I was billing by the hour?"

Clean jokes-Dumb Sky Diver

An idiot was taking sky-diving lessons. The instructor explained that it was time for his first jump, and all he had to do was jump from the plane, count to six, and pull the rip cord. A truck would be waiting for him in the field where he would land.
The man jumped from the plane when he was told to, and counted to six. When he pulled the rip cord, the parachute wouldn’t open. He tried the reserve chute and that didn’t open.
Frustrated, he muttered to himself as he fell, “I’ll bet the truck won’t be waiting for me either.”

Humor jokes-Grocery shopping

A husband and wife are doing their grocery shopping.
The man picks up a case of beer and sticks in into the shopping cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans", he says.
"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and sticks it into the cart.
"Whoa, what do you think you're doing?" asks the man.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.
The man replies...
"SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER & IT'S HALF THE PRICE"!

Really funny jokes-Arrested for stealing

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could
say something. He said, " What is it? "
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

Kids jokes-Game show

I was on family leave, spending my days caring for my two-year-old son while pregnant with my second. To kill some time, I began watching the Game Show Network, and I got hooked. One afternoon my husband came home from work to find the house in complete disarray and me plopped in front of the TV. "So that's what you do while I'm at work?" he said smirking.
"I just happened to have it on," I lied.
The next day we were watching President Bush give a speech. As Mr Bush stepped out of his car and waved to his cheering supporters, my son shouted, "Look, Mommy, he won the car!"

Funny jokes-Babies

Jason & Rebecca were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, Rebecca started having contractions, so Jason rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys. Jason turned to his wife and angrily said,
"All right, who's the other father!?!"

Really funny jokes-Lie Clocks

A man died and went to Heaven.
As he stood before of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Interesting, " said the man, "Whose clock is that?" he asked, pointing to a large clock in the middle of the wall.
"That's Mother Teresa's clock," St. Peter replied. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible, " said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Fascinating! " the man said. "Where's (insert the name of your favorite crooked politician or other sinister person)'s clock?" he asked.
"His clock is in Jesus' office," St. Peter replied. "He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Doctor jokes-On my feet

"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"And did he?"
"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."

Really funny jokes-Three Mothers

Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring.
"There never was a daughter more devoted than my Judy," said Mrs. Levine fondly. "Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach."
"That's nothing compared to what my Lois does for me," declared Mrs. Stein proudly. "Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer, two weeks in the Hamptons in my own private guest house."
Mrs. Lipkin sat back with a knowing smile. "Nobody loves her mother like my Patty does," she said. "Nobody."
"So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her.
Mrs. Lipkin answered, "Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour - just to talk about me!"

Clean jokes-Colosseum

Mr. and Mrs. McKee, vacationing in Rome, were being shown through the Colosseum.
"Now, this room," said the guide, "is where the slaves dressed to fight the lions."
"But how does one dress to fight lions?" inquired Mr. McKee.
"Very slow-w-w-w-w- w-ly," replied the guide.

Really funny jokes-Parking space

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. She was so upset that she went up to the man and said, "I was going to park there!"
The man, being a real smart alec, said, "Oh, well, that's what you can do when you're young and bright."
This made the lady even angrier, so she got in her car, backed up, pressed on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes. The young man raced back to his car and exclaimed, "What did you go and do that for?"
The little old lady replied, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich!"

Kids jokes-Dirty

A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?" Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"
"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"

Humor jokes-Whipping

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an Indian, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your Amazonian whipping?"
The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"
"I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.
"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the Indian.
He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."

Funny jokes-Burglary

Returning home from work, Jessica was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, Jessica ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

Doctor jokes-Walking

An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him.
After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time. "But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over a year!"

Really funny jokes-Prayers

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. They keep saying "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed. "But I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered!!"

Clean jokes-Funeral

It was a solemn occasion, planning Mom's funeral, and us kids were gathered around the kitchen table deciding who would preside, who would give the Eulogy and especially what music would be played.
"Mom loved the Bee Gees", said John the eldest, and the rest of us nodded our heads in agreement. Looking around at the consensus he went on "Are we all agreed then, that we'll play Bee Gees music at the funeral?"
Again, we all silently nodded our heads, except for Sis, who suddenly burst into gales of laughter. We all looked at her
in disbelief, as she'd taken Mom's death the hardest ...
"I guess we won't be playing 'Staying Alive', though, will we?" she asked ...

Humor jokes-Drunk

A drunk stumbles out of a bar and he needs to piss, so he makes his way into the cemetery behind the tavern. He walks right to the edge of a freshly dug grave, loses his balance, and falls in.
There's a puddle of water in the hole, and he spends the rest of the night yelling, "Help me, I'm cold! Someone help me, I'm cold!"
At closing time, another drunk walks behind the bar to piss, and hears the noise. He gets to the open grave, looks down and says, "Of course you're cold, you stupid, son-of-a-gun, you kicked all the dirt off yourself!"

Animal jokes - Kids jokes-Cats

A mother looked out a window and saw Johnny playing church with their three kittens. He had them lined up and was preaching to them.
His mother turned around to do some work. A while later she heard meowing and scratching on the door. She went to the window and saw Johnny baptizing the kittens. She opened the window and said, "Stop that! You'll drown those kittens."
Johnny looked at her and said with much conviction in his voice:
"They should have thought of that before they joined my church."

Humor jokes-Empty handed

A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small New England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited. One Sunday morning the woman got up early to take a long walk.
After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor. There was only one other patron in the store.
Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.
The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes.
The actor nodded graciously and the star-struck woman smiled demurely.
"Pull yourself together!", she chides herself. You're a happily married woman with three children. You're forty-five-years old, not a teenager!
The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then when she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction.
When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change - but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store?
Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something. But no ice cream cone was in sight. With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman.
His face broke into his familiar warm, friendly grin and he said to the woman, "You put it in your purse."

Really funny jokes-Walking Across Water

A rabbi, a priest and a pastor were all sitting in a boat relaxing one lazy sunny afternoon.
The pastor said to the others, "I'm going over to the shore to sit down."
So he got out of the boat, walked across the water and sat down on the shore.
The priest then said to the rabbi, "I'm going to go over there and join him." So he too walked across the water and sat next to the pastor on the shore.
The rabbi thought to himself, "If they can do it, so can I!" So he climbed out of the boat and fell in the water with a splash.
The pastor said to the priest, "Do you think we should have told him where the rocks were?"

Teen Humor jokes-Weight lifting

Somewhat skeptical of his son's newfound determination to become the next Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department.
"Please, Dad," whined the boy, "I promise I'll use them every day."
"I don't know, Michael. It's really a big commitment on your part," the father pointed out.
"Please, Dad?"
"They're not cheap either."
"I'll use them Dad, I promise. You'll see."
Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.
From the corner of the store he heard his son yell, "What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?!"

Really funny jokes-Toothache

Paddy, suffering from a severe toothache, finally got up enough nerve to visit his dentist, but lost it again when he was about to get into the chair. The dentist told his assistant to give Paddy a shot of whiskey kept on hand for just such circumstances as this.
"Ye got your courage back now?" the dentist asked.
"No!" replied Paddy.
So a second shot was brought, then a third.
"Now have ye got your courage?" asked the dentist.
"You're damn right!" Paddy said, squaring his shoulders. "I'd like to see the SOB who'd dare to touch me teeth now!"

Short Doctor jokes-No change

A doctor said to his car mechanic, "Your debit is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."
"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam, but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every year."

Really funny short jokes-In the bar

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst, " the bartender said. "My Brother and my Wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."
The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bar-tender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.
"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week."
He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The Doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good." He sputtered.
"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good."
"But you threw the wine in my face again!" The bartender exclaimed.
"Yes." The man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore!"

Short Kids jokes-Beauty treatment

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

Clean short jokes-Ancient Castle

A group of American tourists were being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.
"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, and nothing replaced in all those years."
"Wow," said one woman dryly, "they must have the same landlord I have."

Really very funny jokes-Sentry duty

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No vehicle was to enter unless it had the proper sticker on the windshield.
Now, a huge Army car came up with a General seated in the back. The sentry yelled, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The General said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving on without your sticker."
The General repeated, "I'm telling you, Corporal, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window with the gun at the ready and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

Funny Indian sardar Jokes - Interview

Interviewer: Tell me the opposite of good.
Santa Singh: Bad.

Interviewer: Come.
Santa Singh: Go.

Interviewer: Ugly.
Santa Singh: Pichlli.

Interviewer: U G L Y?
Santa Singh: PICHLLY !!!!!!!

Interviewer: Shut Up.
Santa Singh: Keep Talking.

Interviewer: Get Out.
Santa Singh: Come In.

Interviewer: Oh my God.
Santa Singh: Oh your Devil.

Interviewer: You are Rejected.
Santa Singh: I am Selected.

Funny jokes-Government class

Bambi, in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware "

Short humor jokes-In Heaven

What do u call a woman in heaven?
An Angel.
A crowd of woman in heaven?
A host of Angels.
And all woman in heaven?
PEACE ON EARTH!

Really funny jokes-Dalmatian

An older, tired-looking Dalmatian dog wandered into my yard the other day. I could tell from his collar, veterinarian tags and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me wagging his tail. I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up on my leather couch and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot on the couch and again slept for about 2 hours. This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious, one day I pinned a note to his collar reading: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day the dog arrived again for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

Doctor jokes-Pipe burst

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!."
The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

Humor jokes-Locket

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend.
"Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler.
The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,
"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."

Kids jokes-Hebrew

The Hebrew school teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little David interrupted.
"My Mommy looked back once while she was DRIVING," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

Really funny jokes-First date

A young man about to go on his first date asks his father for advice.
"What should I talk about?"
"Son, there are three subjects that always work: food, family, and philosophy."
The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. Recalling his father's advice he says, "Do you like potato pancakes?"
His date replies, "No" and the silence returns.
"Uhhhh ... do you have a brother?"
"No." More silence.
"Well, then ... if you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

Humor jokes-Who's Sleeping With Mommy?

Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Patty, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was okay to sleep with mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with mom that night. They said, "Okay."
After my next trip several weeks later, Patty and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.
As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"
"Nobody slept with mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his mom was!