Adult funny jokes-Fannie Green

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I 've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's."
Soon, another man enters the confessional.
"Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood, " the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten ' Hail Mary 's "
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs
slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks,"Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy replies,"No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

Blonde jokes-Turkey

"Would you please help me?" the blonde asked. "I bought a nine-pound turkey. Could you tell me how long to cook it in my new microwave?"
"Just a minute" the food editor said as he turned to check his reference book.
"Oh thank you" she said. "You've been a big help. Good-bye!"

Really really funny jokes-Retirement Dinner

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people...... . '
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. 'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession.'
Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE ! ! !

Short humor jokes

What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

Adult jokes-Charge

A farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the door. A young boy about 9 years old opened the door.
'Is yer Dad home?' the farmer asked.
'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'
'Well,' said the farmer, 'is yer Mom here?'
'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'
'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?' 'He went with Mom and Dad.'
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.'
'Well,' said the farmer uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your Brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.'
The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that'
He finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'

Really funny jokes-UFO

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft.
As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young, blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and then waved to the two aliens as they took off. "Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally
uttered. "Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde. "So?" "Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!" "Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant.
"So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!" The blonde attendant rolled her eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for five years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means - it means 'Unleaded Fuel Only'.

Jokes for kids - food jokes

Billy's mother was dropping him off at the carnival while she did shopping and errands.
"Enjoy yourself, dear!" she said as she handed Billy a large string of carnival tickets.
"Oh, boy! I will!" Billy said as he took the tickets and ran toward the festivities.
Several hours later, Billy's mother returned. She sought him out sitting on a bench not looking so good.
"Well, are you enjoying yourself, dear?" she asked.
"I am but my stomach isn't!" Billy replied. "The ice cream sundae, cotton candy, pizza pie and hot dog I ate is making me wanna throw up!"
"Well it serves you right!" the mother lectured. "Who told you to buy all that JUNK FOOD?"
"What else could I do?" the boy bellowed as he held up the remainder of the carnival tickets. "You gave me all this JUNK MONEY!"

Funny adult jokes-Girls Night Out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

Humor jokes-Mine collapse

There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole.
The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar. "Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there."
The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here."
"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up."
The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?"
The engineer responded: "Oh...that's where we put the jack."

Really funny jokes-Housework

She'd been taught 'housework is a woman's job,' but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!
Turned out that Ralph had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and then had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.
The night went very well. The next day, she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening."
'But what about afterward?" asked her friends.
"Oh, that ..! ! Ralph was too tired..."

Really funny short jokes-Anything to wear

When a woman goes to her closet and says, "I don't have anything to wear," she really means "I don't have anything NEW to wear."
When a man goes to his closet and says, "I don't have anything to wear," what he really means is "I don't have anything CLEAN to wear."

Adult humor jokes-Resounding noise

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 O'clock in the morning, A resounding noise came form outside...
The woman, sort of bewildered, Jumps up from the bed and yells at the man "Shit!, that must be my husband!"
So the guy quickly got out of bed , scared, and naked. He jumped out the window like a crazy man, Smashed himself on the ground, went through a thorn bush, Then he stood up and started to run fast to his car.
Just a few minutes later he returns and tells the woman "I'm your husband, you slut!!!"
So the woman answers:- "Oh, yeah?!! And why were you running?!! You son of a bitch!!!"

Doctor jokes-Pregnant

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp read, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.
In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."

Really funny jokes-Steal a dress

You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?" asked the judge.
"Yes," answered the suspect.
"And what did you steal?"
"A dress, Your Honor," replied the subject.
"One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in four times!"
"Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect. "But three times my wife didn't like the color."

Kids jokes-Essay

"Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire'"
Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously.
"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"
"I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.

Adult funny jokes - Chinese Torture Test

A man was out in the Chinese wilderness and he was hopelessly lost. It had been nearly three weeks since he had eaten anything besides what he could forage and he had been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.
One afternoon he came upon an old mansion in the woods. It had vines covering most of it and the man couldn't see any other buildings in the area. However, he saw smoke coming out of the chimney. He knocked on the door and an old man with a beard almost down to the ground answered. The old man squinted his eyes and asked, "What do you want?"
The man said, "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight."
The old Chinese man said, I'll let you come in on one condition. You absolutely cannot mess around with my granddaughter. "
The man, exhausted and hungry, readily agreed. "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning."
The old Chinese man replied, "Okay, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."
"Okay, Okay," the man said as he entered the old house.
That night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, he had gone many, many months without sex. The girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather. They couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man snuck into the girl's bedroom and they had quite a time. The man crept back to his room later that night, thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."
The next morning theman awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign that said. "First Chinese torture test: 100-pound rock on your chest." "
What a lame torture test," the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock was another sign saying, "Second Chinese torture test: right testicle tied to rock."

The rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, so he quickly jumped out the window after the rock. Outside the window was a third sign saying, "Third Chinese torture test: left testicle tied to bedpost."

Short sarcastic jokes

- There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Hindi jokes-Suicide Sardarji

Suicide Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks and he takes along some wine and chicken with him. Somebody stops him and asks "kyon bhai, ye sab kyon leke baithe ho?" (Why do you take these things with you?). Sardarji replies "Saali train late aati hai kahin bhook se na marjaun" (If the stupid train comes late, I will die of hunger!)

Really funny jokes-Marines

The Korean War, in which the Marine Corps fought and won some of its most brutal battles, was not without its gallows humor. During one such conflict a ROK (Republic of Korea) commander, whose unit was fighting along with the Marines, called to report a major Chinese attack in his sector.
"How many Chinese are attacking you?" he was asked by the command Colonel.
"Many, many Chinese!" replied the excited Korean officer.
When asked for another, more specific, count, the colonel got the same, vague answer, "Many, many Chinese!"
"X*#dammit!, " screamed the colonel, "put my Marine liaison officer on the radio."
A moment later, an American voice came over the air "Yes sir?"
"Lieutenant, exactly how many Chinese you got up there?"
"Colonel, we got a whole shitload of Chinese up here!"
"Thank God," exclaimed the colonel, "At least there's one person up there who knows how to count!"

Blonde jokes-Parrot

An blonde went into a pet shop and asked the owner if he had any parrots.
The owner replied, "Sorry, I don't have any at the moment."
"Damn and blast!" said the blonde, "I have been invited to a fancy dress party for the first time in my life and I want to go as a Pirate, and I have been told to be as authentic as possible, hence the need for the parrot explained the Blond.
"Well" said the owner, "if you come back here next week, specifically on Thursday, I am expecting a shipment from South America and I'll be able to supply you with a parrot, guaranteed,"
"Damn and blast!" said the blonde, "I can't come on that day or for some time after."
"Why not?" Asked the owner.
"Because that is the day I'm having my leg amputated!"

Adult jokes-Lovemaking tips for seniors

1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
2. Set timer for 2 minutes, just in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand just in case you can't remember.
6. Keep the Polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Extra-Strength Tylenol ready just in case you actually complete what you started.
8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbours are deaf too.
9. If it happens, call everyone you know with the good news.
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

Humor jokes-What is 710???

This doesn't mean all women are stupid when it comes to cars....But there always are (a lot of) exceptions!!
Yesterday I was having some work done at the Ford dealer. A woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred- ten.
We all looked at each other, and the mechanic asked,"What is a seven-hundred- ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine.I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."
The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710 !!
He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."
Now go to the photo below to learn what a 710 is...

Really funny jokes-Delivering sermons

There was a young priest who was having trouble both writing and delivering his sermons. So he asked his Bishop for help. The wise old Bishop said, "Well you might start with something to attract and hold their attention, such as, 'Last night I was in the warm embrace of a good woman,' that will get their attention then you go on to talk about how warm and accepting she was and at the end reveal she was your mother; that is great for sermons about family love."
The young priest decided to take the advice. The following Sunday he got into the pulpit and said, "Last night I was in the arms a hot woman," he paused.
The congregation was totally transfixed; no lack of attention now. But he had forgotten what come next, so he stumbled on about how great she was and how good she made him feel. Then he thought of a way to get out of his problem. He said in conclusion, "Well I may not remember who she was, but she was recommended by the Bishop!"

Doctor jokes-Painless

Raj: "Dad, that man wasn't painless dentist like he advertised."
Dad: "Why? Did he hurt you?"
Raj: "No, but he yelled when I bit his thumb."

Funny Adult jokes-Three Couples

Three couples - a senior citizen couple, a middle-aged couple, and a young newlywed couple - wanted to join a church.
The pastor informed them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. We require them to abstain from having s*e*x for two weeks before joining the church. Are you ready to do that?" The couples said they were.
Two weeks later, the three couples returned.
The pastor asked the senior citizen couple, "Were you able to abstain for the entire two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! " said the pastor. "Welcome to the church."
The pastor then asked the middle-aged couple, "Were you able to abstain for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it."
"Congratulations! " the pastor said once again. "Welcome to the church."
The pastor then asked the newlywed couple, "Well, were you able to abstain for the two weeks?"
"I must apologize, Pastor," the young man said, "but we were not able to."
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"Well, we almost made it, but then just yesterday, my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it," the young man explained. "When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and couldn't resist taking advantage of her right then and there."
"I see," said the pastor. "You understand, of course, this means you will not be able to join our church," he added. "I'm sorry." The young couple left the pastor's office.
"I can't believe it!" the wife said as they walked outside. "Banned from both church and Stop & Shop in the same week!"

Short humor jokes-Divorce

As a Hillbilly couple walk out of divorce court,the wife is cryin her heart out.
Her husband turns to her and says .. "Fer Pete's sake stop cryin... you're still my sister."

Really funny jokes-Advice

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The groom- to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."
His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"
"Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet and I'm afraid that my fiancee will be put off by them."
"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible and always wear socks, even to bed."
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning, my breath is truly awful."
Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
"Honey," her mother consoled, "Everyone has bad breath in the morning."
"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiancee will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed and head for the kitchen to make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."
"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.
"Not a word," her mother affirmed.
"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.
The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"

Office jokes-Verbal

"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?"
"Certainly," replied the applicant. "It means I don't get the job."

Adult jokes-Blonde patient

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

Blonde jokes-Miles

A blonde tried to sell her old car, but she was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

Really funny jokes-Grief

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied...
"My wife's first husband."

Adult funny jokes-Up or down

An old man and his wife go boating on the river one day. When they reach a fork in the river, the man asks his wife "Up or down".
His wife immediately takes off all her clothes and they spend the rest of the afternoon making love in the boat.
The next week they again go boating on the river. When they reach the fork in the river, the man again asks his wife "Up or down". But this time she merely answers "Down".
Puzzled, the man asks her why she took off all her clothes and made love to him when he asked her the same question before.
She replies that last week she wasn't wearing her hearing aid and thought he said "f**k or drown".

Humor jokes-Stuffed lion

A man was visiting his elderly neighbor and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The neighbor asked, "When did you bag him?"
The old man said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife & Mother-in-Law. "
"What's he stuffed with?" asked the neighbor.
"My 'ex'-Mother- in-Law," replied the old man.

Really funny jokes-Old Aunt Emma

A couple's happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma.
For seven long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding. Finally the old lady died.
On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife,
Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up
with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years.
His wife looked at him aghast. *My* Aunt Emma! she cried. I thought she was *your* Aunt Emma!!

Doctor jokes-Forget about Baseball

A baseball manager who had an ulcer was in his physician's office for a checkup.
"Remember," the doctor said, "don't get excited, don't get mad, and forget about baseball when you're off the field." Then he added, "By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth?"

Really funny short jokes-Wild beasts

Someone once asked his rabbi why, in our day, we pray for protection from 'wild beasts' when traveling by car? From which 'wild beasts' do we need protection?
"The other drivers," the rabbi answered.

Police Humor

So you thought police officers didn't have a sense of humor.
The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country:
#14 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
#13 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#12 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#11 "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."
#10 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
#9 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
#8 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey $#*!."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
#1 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

Adult jokes-Speeding

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.
"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'me.... could I see your drivers license...?"
"...What's a license...?? ?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump..
"It's usually in your wallet..." replied the officer.
After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.
"Now may I see your registration. .." asked the cop.
"Registration. .... what's that.....?" asked the blonde.
"It's usually in your glove compartment. .." said the cop impatiently.
After some more fumbling, she found the registration.
"I'll be back in a minute..." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration.
After a few moments, the dispatcher came back. "Ummm.... is this woman driving a red sports car?"
"Yes...." replied the officer
"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher
"Uh... yes" replied the cop.
"Here's what you do...." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants..."
"WHAT!!? I can't do that. Its..... inappropriate. .." exclaimed the cop.
"Trust me..... just do it...." said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.
The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not ANOTHER breathalyzer. ."

Clean jokes-Map reading

The young teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked Morris, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude... ?"
After a confused silence, Morris offered this as his answer....
"I guess you'd be eating alone."

Really funny jokes-Unconscious

Two men staggered into the pub, dragging their extremely pissed mate with them. When they reached the bar, they let him go and he collapsed in a drunken heap on the floor. "We'll have two beers," one of them slurred to the bartender.
"What about him?" asked the barkeep, pointing to the unconscious chap.
"No more for him - he's driving," the patron answered.

Really funny short jokes-Mozart

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony,
being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about.
It's just Mozart decomposing. "

Adult funny jokes-Pregnant

Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while now.
Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curls up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire.
Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him "Here, take this and go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight and remember that this happens only once. Ok? Don't think about it again."
The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly. A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with much disappointment: "She said this is not enough, she wants sixty."
The wife's face slowly turns red with anger: "Damn that b****...when she was pregnant and her husband came over here...I only charged him fifty..."

Blonde jokes-Identification

A young blonde woman went into a bank to withdraw some money. For security purposes the cashier asked her if she could identify herself.
She opened her handbag and took out a small mirror, looked into it and said,
"Yes, it's me all right."

Really funny jokes-For our Italian lovers

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in New York to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treepa?"
Luigi said, "Everytinga was a perfecto except for da traina ride down."
"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we boarda da train at Grand Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She brought vino, some nice a cigars for me and we were lookin a forward to da trip. Everytinga wasa okey dokey until we getta hungry and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come a by, waga his finger at us and a say, "No eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car."
"So, me and a my beautiful Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a bigga luncha and start to open a bottle of nicea vino! Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, No drinka in disa car. Musta use a club car."
"So we go to club car. While drinking vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, No smokina disa car. Must go to smokina car."
"We go to smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar. Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boomada boomada and the Conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at da top of his voice, Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!" Luigi sighed. "Next time, I'm a gonna take a da bus."

Adult jokes-Bobby Lee & the Gorilla

A small zoo in Arkansas obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the zookeeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. He wasn't exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer, but he was strong and burly and therefore well suited for what the zookeeper had in mind. He approached Bobby Lee with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think it over.
The following day, he said he would accept the offer, but only under four conditions:
"First," Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."
The zookeeper agreed.
"Second," he added, "no one can ever know about this."
The zookeeper agreed.
"Third," he continued, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist."
The zookeeper agreed.
"And finally," he concluded, "You gotta give me at least a week to come up with the $500."

Doctor jokes-Hurting all over

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

Really funny jokes-Field trip

One day, a class of third graders from the city was taking a field trip to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm. So the farmer asks one little girl, "What's the difference between a rooster and a hen?"
"The hen lays eggs." replied the little girl.
"Very good!" said the farmer. Then the farmer asked another little girl, "What's the difference between a duck and a turkey?"
"Well," replied the little girl. "Turkeys can't swim and turkeys are what we have on Thanksgiving Day."
"Very good!" exclaimed the farmer. Then he asks little Johnny, "Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?"
"Yes, I do" replied little Johnny from the city. "Bulls smile when you milk them."

Kids jokes

After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.
One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"
After a moment, her youngest 5 year old son replied quizzically, "Er.... Once?"

Adult jokes-Borrowing

The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the condo of their dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model. The husband had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbor and it seemed to the wife that it always took him way too long to return.
One time the wife had enough and actually pounded on the wall between the two apartments. There being no response she telephoned, only to get the answering machine. Finally, she went to the model's door and just kept ringing the bell.
When the model answered, the wife fumed, "I would like to know why it is my husband takes so damn long to get something over here!"
"Well, sweetie," the model purred, "All these interruptions sure ain't helping matters."

Sardar jokes-Heaven

Santa Singh died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth.
In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
Santa thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct.
But how did you get only 12 seconds in a year?"
Santa replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc...."
Saint Peter lets him in without another word....

Really funny jokes-The appointment

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist' s desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, 'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

Humor jokes-Encyclopaedia

Working as a computer instructor for an adult education program at a community college, I am keenly aware of the gap in the computer knowledge between my younger and older students. This was confirmed the day a new student walked into our library area and glanced at the encyclopaedia volumes stacked on a bookshelf.
"What are all these books?" he asked.
Somewhat surprised, I replied that they were encyclopaedias.
His response told it all.
"Really?" he said, "Someone printed out the whole thing?"

Funny adult jokes-Late night drinking

Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the morning and went home. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was more drunk the night before. The first says, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."
The second said, "Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw!"
The third says, "I was the most drunk by far. When I got home, I knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"
The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again,
"Listen girls, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."

Blonde jokes-Mexican eggs

Two Mexicans are on a bicycle about 15 miles outside of Lafayette, Louisiana. One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help, and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them he has no room in the trailer as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.
The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back into town and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts the hammer down and sure enough, a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding.
The woman officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies 'Mexican eggs.' The blonde cop obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look in the trailer. She opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. She gets on her radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible plus the Swat Team. The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that require so many officers.
'I've got a Tractor-Trailer stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it. Two have hatched and they've already managed to steal a bicycle.'



Adult Joke

Really funny jokes-Refined

An English gentleman travelled to New York City one rainy summer for the funeral of an old girlfriend.
Having packed in a hurry, he forgot to bring his galoshes.
Not wanting to ruin his shoes in the mud that was sure to be at his departed friend's burial ceremony, he went to a shoe store.
"Pardon me." he asked the clerk, "Do you have any black rubbers?"
The confused clerk said he did not, but directed the man to the drugstore across the street.
The Englishman asked the pharmacist, "Pardon me, but do you have any black rubbers?"
The pharmacist replied, "I don't know but I'll take a look."
From the back room, he called out, "I have green, red, purple, blue and rainbow, but no black." Returning to the counter he asked the Englishman, "Why do you want black rubbers, anyway?"
The Englishman replied, "My old girlfriend just died."
The surprised pharmacist said, "Oh, you English are so refined!"



Adult Joke

Kids jokes-Astronomy Quiz

My daughter's 5th-grade class had been studying astronomy.
One morning at breakfast she announced, "On Friday we're having a quiz on the moon."
That's when her little brother piped up, saying, "Are you gonna let her go, Mom?"