Humor jokes-Taxi driver

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

Really funny jokes-Dishes

A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates, then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.
Daughter: It's mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn't say anything.

Kids jokes-Maths

Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.
If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?

Funny jokes-Old lady

An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad.
She began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued.
"You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk.
"Raise your right hand, please." The old gal raised her right hand.
"Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the Republic of India against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the first question.
The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice:
"Uhhh... all by myself?"

Really funny jokes-Polish immigrant

One day an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.
The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?"
"No," replied the nervous immigrant.
"Did ya hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill ya?"
"No."
"Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?"
"No."
"Then why in God's name did ya think she's gonna kill ya?" asked the exasperated police officer.
"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.
The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.
The immigrant became indignant and said, "What's so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle says 'Polish Remover'?"

Really funny jokes-Discoveries

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.

Humor jokes-Beer

A pissed-off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered beer and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered.
"I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

Really funny jokes-The feminist

A radical feminist gets on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.
"Here we go again," she thinks to herself. "Yet another man attempting to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.
A minute passes and the man tries to get up again. She's insulted again and refuses to allow him to get up.
This happens several times over the next few minutes.
Finally, the man pleads, "Lady, please, you have to let me get up. I'm already a couple of miles past my stop!"

Really funny jokes-Letter from Mother to a Son

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,
Merry Christmas to you and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering that I can't breath or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last $10.00 in this card. Which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.
Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me--we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got a yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?
Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about sending any more money because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling grand-babies and my regards to whatever-her- name-is-- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.

Humor jokes-Thank you notes

One Christmas, a parent decreed that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties.
As a result their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given.
The next year things were different, however.
"The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.
"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in behavior?"
"Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks."

Really funny jokes-Movie

For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.
After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."
"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."

Really funny jokes-Quotes

Woman's Quote of the Day:
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."

Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:
"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full- bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

Humor jokes-The three wishes

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'
The woman said, 'That's okay.'
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world; an Adonis whom women will flock to'.
The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.'
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'
So, KAZAM - she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Funny jokes-Curse

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

SMS jokes

Enjoy four SMS jokes , you may send it to your friends


Which is the sweetest part of the body?It's oval in shape,it's surrounded by hair,salt water comes from it.Don't be silly : it's 'Beautiful Eyes'

Whenever I want Ur presence I read Ur SMS....whenever I want to see u,I close eyes,whenever I want to hear ur voice, I throw a stone at a dog.


Do u remember that day .When we had gone out in a car.I put my dog out & u put ur face out;people shouted "Twins..Twins"..Sweet memories na...?


Pls send ur Biodata & photo 2 Hutch..
U'll get a gud package + A chance 2 come on T.V. So apply soon.Bcoz Hutch's Dog died.They want a monkey.

Really funny jokes-Who's the BOSS?

Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend Joe sitting on a stool.
"Joe," Bill said, "I'm glad to see that your wife finally let you out of the house."
"Things have been different with my wife," Joe said. "In fact, just the other day, I decided to show her who was the boss."
"How did you do that?" asked Bill.
"I simply said to her, 'Mabel, we are going to have it out right now, and I am going to show you who the boss is in this relationship' ."
"What happened?"
"Well, I don't want to brag, but I managed to get her on her hands and knees."
"How did you do that?"
"I was hiding under the bed at the time."

Humor jokes-Been drinking

Late one Friday night a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have 'tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinnesses -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later..."
And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyser test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?"

Really funny jokes-What happens when teachers die

A teacher dies and goes to Heaven. When she gets there she meets Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Peter says to her, "Welcome to Heaven. Let me give you an orientation first."
So Peter takes her to some beautiful houses.
The teacher asks, "Who lives here in these beautiful houses?"
"These are for doctors. They did a lot of good on Earth so they get a nice mansion," replies Peter.
Peter takes the teacher to some more mansions. These were more magnificent than the first.
"Wow, who lives here?"
"These mansions are for social workers. They did a lot of good on Earth, but didn't make a lot of money so they get a better house."
Peter takes the teacher to some more mansions. These are the most gorgeous homes she had ever seen. They have huge columns, well manicured lawns, beautiful stained glass windows - the works!
"These are the most beautiful homes I have ever seen," exclaims the teacher. "Who lives here?!"
"Teachers live here," says Peter, "they did much good on Earth and received very little money, so they get the best houses in all of Heaven."
"But where are all of the teachers?" inquires the teacher.
Peter answers, "Oh, they'll be back soon. They're all in Hell at a faculty meeting."

Short jokes-Preacher

The minister's car wouldn't start. When the tow truck driver arrived, the minister says, "I hope you go easy on me. You know I'm only a poor preacher."
"Yep," replied the tow truck driver, "I've heard you preach."

Really funny jokes-The division

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts. Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts. When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.
The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile.
In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."
As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.
"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!"
"What's the matter?" his father asked.
"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"
The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."
The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"
The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."

Humor jokes - WORK Virus

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.
This virus is called Weary-Overload- Recreational- Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.
This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating- Neutralizer- Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer -Elimination- Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Really funny jokes-Stop that!

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.
Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect.
So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.
Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands, "Stop That!"
The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"

Doctor jokes-Hot Bath

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang.
The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.
A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes.
Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.
The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.
Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.
After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax... Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"

Funny jokes-Biggest scaredy-cat

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.
The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."
The second kid replies, "Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door."

Really funny jokes-Long train ride

The soldier was tired and sleepy from a long train ride in a miserable old-day coach. On top of this, two fussy old ladies were keeping him awake with argument about a window. One wanted it closed and the other wanted it open. This fuss finally brought the conductor.
"Conductor," said one, "if that window is opened, I'll just freeze to death!"
"And if it is kept closed," whined the other, "I'll suffocate."
The poor conductor didn't know what to do and finally turned to the GI for help. "What would you do, soldier, if it were a military problem?"
"In the Army we handle such problems like a double-prong attack. Open the window and freeze one of them, then close it and suffocate the other."

Humor jokes-Inspection

An American journalist was stopped at a Russian Check-point in the bullet-pocked suburb of Chechnya.
The Russian soldier said, "Get out of the car and open the trunk!"
The American replied, "I'm sorry, but the hand brake on the car is broken. I can't take my foot off the brake or it'll roll back down the hill."
So the Russian says, "Do you take me for a FOOL?!" as he slides into the passenger seat, and stamps his big boot onto the brake pedal.
"Now, go and open the trunk!"
So the journalist reluctantly complies with the soldier's request and goes and opens the trunk of the car.
"Now", shouts the Russian from inside the car, "Is there any contraband in there?"

Really funny jokes-Christmas divorce

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer" the old man says.
"We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting a divorce, she shouts. I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced!
Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"
And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, smiles and turns to his wife.
"They're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."

SMS jokes

Divorced couple arguing for son's custody.
Wife : I gave him birth so he is mine.
Husband : If I put a coin in a pepsi machine & pepsi comes , is it mine or the machines?

-------------

Life is like a vehicle. Husband and wife r 2 tyres of the vehicle.If 1 punctures,the vehicle will not move.So brilliant people keep a stepney.

---------------

Only 10% girls play games like tennis,football,caroms , cricket, etc because 90% girls play with boy's life.So be careful.

Really funny jokes-Drunk Brian

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep..
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom, and I"m St Peter".
Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.you've got to send me back Straight away". St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Brian "Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense! feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting.
"Brian, wake up you drunken fool, you've crapped in the bed"

Sardar jokes-Going home early

Three sardars who work in the same office notice that their boss has started leaving work early every day. One day they decide that after he leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, he never calls or comes back, so how will he know?
The 1st Sardar is thrilled to get home early. he does a little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed early.
The 2nd Sardar is elevated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner date.
The 3rd Sardar is also very happy to be home early, but as he goes upstairs he hears noises coming from his bedroom. he quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see his wife in bed with HIS BOSS! Ever so gently, he closes the door and creeps out of his house.
The next day, the other two Sardar talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the 3rd Sardar if he wants to leave early also, he exclaims, "NO WAY! Yesterday I almost got caught!"

Really funny jokes-Mother's Obsession

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money.Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

Funny jokes-Ticket

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street; when little Johnny on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said "Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," little Johnny said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed little Johnny a ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
Little Johnny looked up at the cop and said,
"Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
Little Johnny looked up at the cop and said,
"Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

Really funny jokes-The drunkard

A drunkard was brought to court.
Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."

Humor jokes-Great truths that little children have learned

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

Really funny jokes-Five Surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in; "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shuts them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Generals are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, no spine and the head and the ass are interchangeable.

Kids jokes-Logic

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

Sardar jokes-Hanging for life

There were eleven people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane.
Ten were sardar, and one was a girl. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn’t, then the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the girl said, "I'll get off."
After a really touching speech from the girl saying she would get off, all of the sardar started Clapping.

Humor jokes-Village drugstore

The proprietor of a small village drugstore was called out one sleepy summer morning, leaving the establishment temporarily under the sole management of a very young, and very uneducated, clerk. "Just answer the phone if it rings, Jim," instructed the proprietor.
The phone rang. "Hello," said the clerk.
"Do you have streptomycin and aureomycin?" asked a voice at the other end.
The clerk scratched his head, then said, "Ma'am, when I said 'Hello' I told you everything I know!"

Kids jokes-Playing house

A little girl and a little boy were at day care. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?" He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."
"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

Lawyer jokes-Dislike lawyers

During a jury selection process, the first lawyer began his questioning as an intimidating showman.
He looked over the prospective jurors and asked, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?"
Before the pause became too long, the judge said, "I do."

Funny jokes-Hammer

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bugger!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bugger!"
The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bugger, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

Humor jokes-A pickpocket in court

A pickpocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes.
The judge said, "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100."
The lawyer stood up and said, "Thank you, your honor. My client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."

Short funny jokes-13th Floor

1st thief :Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief:But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief :Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.

Really funny jokes-Elderly lady

An elderly lady finished her shopping and, upon return to the parking lot, found four men in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, screaming at the top of her voice that she knew how to use it and that she would if required, so they should get out of the car.
The four men didn’t wait around for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady loaded her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat.
Small problem — her key wouldn’t fit the ignition. Her car, identical to the one she was in, was parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her own car and drove to the police station.
The officer to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the far end of the counter, where four men were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman.
No charges were filed.

More Lawyer jokes

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Your Honor.

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea.

Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners or an anvil.

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A: Nothing; there are some things a pig won't do.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
A: The pronunciation.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

Q: Why did God create snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.

Really funny jokes-One smart farmer

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care," said Farmer John. "Just do something about these crazy drivers!"
So the next day, the county workers erected a sign that said
SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sent out the county workers and they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
But that sped the drivers up even more!
So Farmer John kept calling, and the sheriff kept changing the signs.
Finally, Farmer John said to the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff was ready to let Farmer John do just about anything if it would get him to stop calling every day. He said, "Sure thing, put up whatever you want."
And after that, the sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, the sheriff's curiosity got the best him and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... It might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw nearly hit the floor at what he saw. There, painted neatly on a sheet of plywood was Farmer John's sign:
NUDIST COLONY: GO SLOW -- WATCH FOR CHICKS

Short funny jokes-Love

Girl : Do you love me?
Boy:Yes Dear.
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy :No, mine is undying love.

Humor jokes-The talkative Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,
"New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"

Really funny jokes-Do you know the time?

Some Americans were traveling through Mexico when one of them saw a man on the ground having a siesta. "Excuse me, sir,"the American said. "Do you know the time?"
The Mexican looked at the American. The he reached over and held the donkey's balls and appeared to weigh them in his hand.
"Ten after two," he said, at last.
"My word!" said the American. He caught up to his tour group and insisted some of the others return with him. "You've never seen anything like this!" he promised.
The group went back with him. Again he asked for the time. Again the guy reached for the donkey's balls. Again, he seemed to be weighing them as he moved them to and fro. Finally, he announced, "Twenty-one minutes past two."
The others were amazed. They went on their way, but the original discoverer of the miracle time-teller remained. He leaned over, "Listen," he confided, "I'll give you twenty dollars if you show me how you do that."
The Mexican thought for a moment and then nodded. Pocketing the twenty-dollar bill, he beckoned for the American to kneel down where he was. Then he took the donkey's balls and gently moved them to the side out of the way, and said, "Do you see that clock over there?"

Short humor jokes-Choices

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband:Sure, what are my choices?
Wife :Yes and no.

Funny jokes- Humor with Waiters

Customer:Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter:Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.
~~~~~~
Customer:Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter:That' s all right sir, he won't drink much.
~~~~~~
Customer :Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter :I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.
~~~~~~
Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.

Humor jokes-Marriage Councelor

A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage counselor. The counselor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but they were adamant. "So," said the counselor, "you know the consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your property equally."
The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?"
"Yes," said the counselor. "He gets $2,000. You get $2,000."
"What about my furniture? I paid for that."
"Same thing," answered the counselor. "Your husband gets the bedroom and the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen."
There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye. "What about our three children?"
That stumped him. Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then he came up with a Solomonic answer. "Go back and live together until your fourth child is born. Then you take two children and your husband takes two."
The wife shook her head. "No, I'm sure that wouldn't work out. If I depended on him, I wouldn't have the three I got."

Clean jokes-Wife Rules!

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.
He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said,
"I do."
Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."

Short blonde jokes

A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets out his light and says, "Open wide."
"I can't" replies the blonde, "the chair's fitted with arms."

Sardar jokes - Weight loss

The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would
lose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight,
but he had a problem.

"What's the problem?" asked the doctor.

I'm 2400 kms from home.

Short sardarji joke - Accident

At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!

Sardar : Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

Humor jokes-Without glasses

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap.
I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."
"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you look pretty good, too!"

Really funny jokes-The envelopes

The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds four envelopes.
On one he finds the words "open me first," and the other three are numbered one to three.
He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: "These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second and envelope three third."
The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back and forgets about them.
Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes and is losing money fast. After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the three envelopes.
So, he opens the first one and it says: "Blame me, your predecessor for every thing."
Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved and everybody's happy.
A few months later, another strike hits.
He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads: "Blame the government for everything."
It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved.
A month later, the workers declare another strike.
The manager goes to the third envelope and it reads: "Prepare four new envelopes."

Funny jokes-Little old man

A women saw a wizzened little old man with a big smile on his face, sat rocking in a chair on his porch. She walked up to him and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look. What's your secret for a long happy life"?
He said, "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, I drink a case of whisky a week, I eat all the fatty foods I can, and never do any exercise".
The women said, "That's amazing. How old are you now"?
He replied, "Twenty six".

Animal jokes-the dog

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while.
"I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."
"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

Short funny jokes-Lonely frog

A lonely frog, desparate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store.
His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"
"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."

Adult Humor Picture - Mushroom

For Heaven's Sake

Will someone tell her ,

It's a mushroom !

Really funny jokes-The dying Priest

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years, he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital in Washington D.C. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse
"I would really like to see President Bill and Senator Hillary Clinton before I die," whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; the Clintons would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Hillary commented to Bill, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images and might even get me elected President. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN IT."
Bill agreed--it was a very good thing for her campaign once they put out a press release about it.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the old priest took Bill's hand in his right hand and Hillary's hand in his left.
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face. Finally Bill Clinton spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you
near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
"Amen" said Bill.
"Amen" said Hillary.
The old priest continued...
"He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."

Humor jokes-Never had an argument

A recent widow was crying to a grief counselor. "We were married twenty-five years before he died," she said, dabbing away a tear. "Never had an argument in all those years."
"Amazing," said the councelor. "How did you do it?"
"I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward."

Really funny jokes-Role reversal

Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency.
So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore."
So she drove the boat to shore. Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television.
She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook the dinner, and wash the dishes."

Sardar joke - Santa banta fishing

santa singh & banta singh rented a boat and fished in a lake every day.

One day they had a huge haul of 30 fish. santa said to banta.

"There's lots of fish here! Mark this spot so that we can come here

tomorrow." The next day when they were driving to rent the boat,

santa asked banta , "Did you mark that spot?" banta replied,

"Yeah, I put a big X on the bottom of the boat!" santa said, "You fool! What if we dont get that same boat today!?!?"

Office jokes-Proper Dress Code

A recent college graduate got hired by the human-development center of a large corporation to train the employees in proper dress code and etiquette.
One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man who was casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.
"Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?" she said in a scolding tone.
"That's one of the benefits of owning the company," the man replied with a grin.

Funny jokes-Smart ass

The waitress was waiting as patiently as she could while the guy was dawdling over the breakfast menu. He says, being a smart ass, "I usually never return to a restaurant unless one of the sausages I'm served with my eggs is a match in size for my own."
The waitress replied, "In that case, sir, perhaps you should be looking at the children's menu."