Strange compliment

I was seated on a park bench, when an old lady who came and sat next to me, smiled and said, "You are very pretty."

I must have had a disbelieving expression on my face, because she was quick to assure me that she had given a sincere compliment.

I tried to explain to her by saying, "It's just that I hardly ever get to hear pleasant comments about my looks."

The old lady smiled and said,  "Just because you are plump does not mean you aren't pretty."

Proud pathan

A Pathan called Sher Singh goes to a pub and announces, "Bartender, serve drinks to everyone. Bill it to me. My wife has given birth to a typical Pathan boy weighing 5 kilos."

There is a lot of cheering and everyone congratulates Sher Singh.

After 15 days, Sher Singh visits the bar again. The bar-keep says to him, "Hey, aren't you the father of a typical Pathan boy whose weight was 5 kilos at birth? How much does the boy weigh now?'

Sher Singh proudly answers, "3 kilos!"

The bar-keep is surprised and asks, "What happened? Didn't he weight 5 kilos at birth?"

Sher Singh finished his drink and said, "Got the boy circumcised."

Call from the Sunflower clinic

When the Sunflower Clinic called Daniel on him home number, they got the following message on his answering machine.

"Hey, this is Daniel and i am having a great day in the outdoors. The positive thought for the day is LOVE EVERYONE! Leave your name & number and you will hear from me." "Beep".

The caller from the Sunflower left a message, "This is a call from the Sunflower clinic. Talking of POSITIVE, your VD test is back. Stop LOVING EVERYONE."

Grimace

When Susan walked into the living room in curlers and a much-worn night gown, her husband Ruth could not hide a grimace and commented, "How I wish you could look like how you were when we got married."

Susan replied, "Yeah? Tell me how can I? I ain't pregnant!"

How fast?

Roy lived in the countryside with his family. One morning, he was helping his buffalo give birth, when he noticed that his daughter, Kelly, was watching the entire event with curious eyes.

Roy thought to himself that one day he will have to explain to her about the birds and the bees. Why not grab the opportunity and start now, as this was a good occasion.

After the process was over, and a little baby buffalo was born, Roy walked up to Kelly and asked, "Well sweetheart, do you have any questions?"

Little Kelly, still shaken by the entire experience, asked, "How fast was the calf going when it hit the buffalo?"

Airport embarrassment

This is the story of my friend Joe. Joe was a traveling salesman who would often go out of town on business. One night when Joe returned from a business trip, there was heavy thunder and lightning. He opened the bedroom door and found both his children, Mark and Tina, in bed with his wife. They must have been scared by the sound of thunder and must have wanted the comfort of their mother. Joe went down and slept on the couch that night.

The next morning, during breakfast, Joe explained to his kids that it was fine to sleep with their mother if they are scared, but if he was expected to be back, then they should sleep in their room. The children nodded and said they understood.

After his next trip which turned out to be a long one, Joe's wife and the children decided to receive him at the airport as they had missed him a lot. There were several people in the terminal who had come to receive their friends & family.

As soon as Joe was in sight, his son Mark went running to him and said, "Daddy, I have news for you!"

Joe, lifting his son into his arms, asked, "And what is it?"

Mark announced, "No one slept with Mom while you were on tour this time!"

There was pin-drop-silence. Everybody looked at the little kid, and then at Joe and then tried to figure out who the kid's Mom was.

Missing husband

Gina calls the police to report that her husband, John is missing since 3 days. An officer comes to meet her and asked her to describe her missing husband.

Gina tells the investigating officer, "John height is 6' 3", very handsome, has thick hair, and a smile that can light up a room."

The officer makes notes and then rings the neighbor's doorbell to investigate. The neighbor, Mrs. Jones tells him that she had noticed nothing unusual. When asked about John's appearance to match what his wife Gina had said, Mrs. Jones said, "She is a liar. John's must not be more than 5' 5". He is bald, has scars on his face and is always in a rotten mood."

Later that day, Mrs. Jones asks Gina why she had given false details to the officer.

Gina replied, "Well, if I reported him missing doesn't mean that I want John back."

Bad weather

Nathan was up early on Sunday morning, dressed up, packed sandwiches for himself, took the dog by the leash, and tip-toed into the garage. He loaded the boat into his Chevrolet pick-up truck, fired it up and drove into the pouring rain. There was heavy snowfall with sharp gusts of wind. Nathan drove back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that there would be a storm.

So he quietly went back to the house, changed into his pyjamas and slipped into the. He ran his hand all over his wife's back and whispered, "The weather's really bad!"

She replied in a sleepy voice, "Can you believe that dim-witted husband of mine is fishing in these conditions!"

A drunkard's story

Tom was an alcoholic and had been trying to kick the habit. He had joined AA, and with great difficulty, had managed to keep off hard drinks. While running an errand downtown, he passed by a pub and has the urge to have a few quick drinks. He promised himself that he is gonna have only a few beers and get out fast, 'cos if he got drunk, he was sure his wife would abandon him.

So he went in, and could not help but get drunk. To make matters worse, he threw up and spoilt his jacket. He started weeping because he knew the inevitable - Mary would get mad at him and seek a divorce. An old gent sitting next to Tom asked him what was wrong and Tom narrated his tale. The old gent said, "C'mon it's not all that bad. I will give you an idea. Take a dollar bill and put it in your jacket pocket. Tell you wife you only had a couple of beers and I puked on you. Just say that I gave you the dollar to get it dry cleaned."

Tom thought it was a great idea and thanked the old man. He went home and when Mary saw his soiled jacket, she got wild and screamed, "You got drunk again! After having put up with you for so long, after having been through so much, you just didn't care about me and got drunk! I am leaving! Now!"

Tom urged Mary to stop and said, "Let me explain, sweetheart. I did not get drunk, only had a couple of buds."

Mary yelled, "Take a look at yourself, you threw up and your jacket is all soiled!"

Tom explained, "There was an old man who was drunk and he threw up on me. He put a dollar bill in my jacket to have it cleaned up. See here."

Mary reached into his pocket and pulled out a $5 bill.

"Isn't this a $5 bill?" she asked.

Tom replied, "Uhh, I forgot to mention. He soiled my pants too!"

Keep the magic alive!

John, Peter and Mike were at the pub enjoying their beer. The topic of discussion was what do they do to keep the magic alive in their marriage.

Peter says, "I'll share my secret with you. After a night of great love making, I pluck some jasmine flowers from the garden and place the petals all over my wife's body. The intoxicating aroma drives her wild."

Mike says, "I give her a great massage with olive oil after a night of passion. She goes crazy!"

John thinks and says, "After the night's adventure, I take a dump in the morning and then wipe my backside with the curtains. She goes nuts!!"

A strange request

Dr. Robbins, the dentist made a strange request to his patient, Jack. He said, "Jack, please scream at the top of your lungs!"

Jack, surprised by the request, said, "But why Dr. Robbins? There's hardly any pain this time."

Dr. Robbins pleaded, "Please! You must understand. The waiting room is full of people. I have promised my wife that I will take her out for the new James Bond movie. Can't miss it or she will be very upset!"

In the middle!

Aron went to this new fast food joint in Infinity mall. Always demanding by habit, he said to the waiter, "Get me steak, not too rare, not too well done, just right in the middle."

His next demand was, "Get me nachos. Not too crispy, not too soggy, but right in the middle."

Another order followed, "Get me cold coffee, not too thick, not too thin, but right in the middle."

The waiter took the order and headed for the kitchen. He came back smiling and said to Aron, "Chef Jolly said you can kiss his backside, not on the right, not on the left, but right in the middle."

No signs of improvement

Jim Weber, the conductor was furious with Hank, the drummer, who constantly seemed to be out of beat. Having supervised him for long hours, Jim felt frustrated as Hank did not show any signs of improvement.
 

Frustrated, Jim Weber reprimanded Hank, "When a performer can't perform anymore and is too stubborn to pick up, they give him 2 sticks, and make him a drummer."

A violinist whispered, "And if he doesn't even manage that, they snatch one of his sticks and make him a conductor!"

Lost business

Betty-Boo, the chubby blonde, was talking to her old friend Lisa Ray.

She complained, "You know I am on the road a lot. My business depends on fabric samples that my customers courier to me, based on which I proceed with outsourcing of finished garments. But because of my travel, the couriers don't reach me."

Lisa Ray asked her, "So did you try to do something about it?"

"Yes" replied Betty-Boo. "I put a box in my car."

"A box??? How does it help?"

Betty-Boo said, "I don't know as yet. I haven't received any couriers so far."

Lisa Ray asked, "And what is the reason for it?"

Betty Boo answered, "Guess when I am on the move, my zip code keeps changing."

My business

Terry, ever so drunk, goes up to a cute blonde in the pub and says to her, "Do you mind me asking you a personal question?"

The blonde shrugs and said, "I have an idea where this conversation will finally lead to, so go ahead, ask your question."

Terry said, "All right, how many guys have you slept with?"

The blonde retorted, "None of your business. That's my business."

Terry said, "Cool! So what do you charge for a night?"

Vengeance

Boka says to his friend Khoka, "How do you compare Vengeance to Sweet vengeance?"

Khoka says, "You only tell the answer."

Boka says, "Vengeance is gunning for your enemy's wife, and sweet revenge is discovering she is lousy in bed!"

Letter from Suzie

Rob worked at the local post office, and one day he day he found a letter which was addressed to God. Intrigued, he decided to open it. It read:


Dear Allmighty

I am a 79 year old widow surviving on pension. Last evening, I got mugged on the streets, and was robbed of the $500 that I had to last me for the rest was of the month. It is my granddaughter's birthday next week and I had planned on buying a nice present for her. Now, I have no money even to buy food. I am depending on you for help.

In need

Suzie.

Rob was moved by the letter and showed it to all his colleagues. Immediately, everyone started contributing to a small fund they created. When they counted the money, it totaled to $490. They put it in an envelope & sent it to Suzie anonymously. Thinking that Suzie would now be able to buy a gift for her granddaughter, they all felt good for having contributed to a noble cause.

A few days later, they found another letter from the old widow which was again addressed to God. All the employees in the dept gathered to read the letter.

The letter said:

Dear Almighty

I can't thank you enough for your kind gesture. I was able to buy a nice gift for my granddaughter and felt so satisfied to see the happiness on her face when she received the gift. I was also able to pull through the rest of the month. Just wanted to inform you that there were $10 short in the envelope. I am sure it is the work of those crooks in the postal department. I hope you will punish them!

Ever-so-grateful 

Suzie.

Problem with Peter

When Peter went to see his doctor, he had a radish stuck in his left ear, a carrot in his right ear, and a lady finger stuck in each of the nostrils.

The doctor, visibly shocked asked him, "What is this?"

Pater replied, "Doctor, I am not feeling too well, can you tell me what's the problem with me?"

The doctor sighed and replied, "To begin with, you are not eating properly."

Habitual late-comer

Gabriel was a late-comer. He would always be late to work and had been reprimanded many times by his boss, Mr. Ambrose. The problem with Gabriel was that he just could not get himself to leave the bed in the morning. When he was late once again during the busy last week of the month, Mr. Ambrose gave him a final warning, "One more time you are late, and you are permanently out of here."

Gabriel went to see a doctor and narrated his predicament. The doctor gave him a few medicines and asked him to take it after meals.

Gabriel felt relaxed and got up early in the morning. He had a hearty breakfast and made it to his office before time.

The moment he saw Mr. Ambrose walk in, Gabriel said, "Well Mr. Ambrose, I will not give you a reason to get upset again. I feel fresh as a Daisy!"

"That's okay" said Mr. Ambrose, "But why were you not in office yesterday?"

FYF

The topic of the Sunday sermon was "FYF", short for Forgive Your Foes. Preacher James Asher, after having spoken on the subject for nearly an hour, asked the congregation, "So how many of you present here are  prepared to forgive your foes?"

Some people raised their hands. Not happy with the poor response, Preacher James preached some more and then repeated the question to the gathering. This time, many more people raised their hands.

Still not satisfied, Preacher James prolonged his sermon a little more and repeated the question once again. Almost everyone raised their hands this time, except for a grumpy little old man.

Preacher James asked the little man, "Mr. Walker, are you still not ready to forgive your foes?"

Mr. Walker replied, "I ain't got any."

Preacher James said, "That's strange. How old are you?"

Mr. Walker replied, "I am eighty-eight."

Preacher James said, "Mr. Walker, please come here on the podium and tell the gathering how one can get to the age of eighty-eight without having any foes."

Mr. Walker walked up to where Preacher James was standing, and said to the crowd, "Didn't have to do anything. I just outlived those jokers."

Return a kid

Mrs. Fernandis stormed into the local Radio Jockey's studio and said, "Need your help with an announcement to be made on radio. My husband, Joe, left me and took my two little kids with him."

Malishka, the RJ, said, "I will certainly help you. You are live on air. You can speak out the message yourself."

Mrs. Fernandis said, "Dear Joe, please return one kid because only one is yours!"

Where do you want to go?

My friend Danny once got into the back of a cab.

The cab driver asked, "Where do you want to go?"

Danny replied, "I want to go to the Metro station, but I want to sit here for a couple of minutes first."

"Okay", said the cab driver with a shrug.

When the rain stopped after 10 minutes, Danny just got of the cab and said to the cabby, "Thanks for that, buddy!"

Boka and Khoka

Boka and Khoka had climbed up a ladder to get on top of the roof. While they were fooling around on the roof, a strong wind blew and the ladder was knocked off.

Wondering how to get down, Boka said, "I have a suggestion. I can push you down. Then you can pick up the ladder and position it for me to come down."

Khoka said, "Don't try to be over-smart and don't you take me for a fool. I have a better suggestion. I will put my torchlight on, and you can climb down holding on to the beam of light."

Boka commented, "Do you think I am a fool? You will turn off the torchlight when I am mid-way there."

The dead Sparrow

My friend Jason had taken his 5 year old daughter, Susie to the garden. Jason was sitting on a park bench watching Susie play with a ball. Suddenly, she stopped playing, and looked at something intently. Then she came running to Jason and said, "Come Daddy, I want to show you something."

She lead him to a tree near which a sparrow lay dead. Suzie asked him, "What happened to the sparrow?"

Jason replied, "The sparrow died and went to Heaven."

Susie said, "Oh! So why did God throw it back to Earth?"

No Romance this!

Leonard and his girlfriend Rina were watching a romantic movie on TV. There was a scene in which two lovers were walking in the rain holding hands.

Rina said, "Why is it that we don't do romantic things like walking in the rain holding hands?"

Leonard looked at her and said, "Cos I have an umbrella."

Vet dilemma

Mary took her husband Pat to a veterinary doctor. She said to the Vet, "Doctor, my husband is unwell. I want you to treat him."

The Vet said to Mary, "But I am animal doctor. I do not treat humans."

Mary said, "The reason I got him here is that he kicks like a donkey in his sleep!"

Harassed passenger

I was an air-hostess employed with Kingfisher Airlines. One day, minutes after the last announcement for boarding the flight, I saw a man rush in and looking for an empty seat. He spotted one and flopped into the seat. Later in the night, I noticed that the guy was getting disturbed by the constant fidgeting of a woman seated next to him. She would keep switching the lights on and off, get up frequently to go to the toilet. But the guy did not say anything and just kept quiet.

I felt sorry for him, so I went up to him and whispered, "Sir, would you like to take another seat?"

He smiled and replied, "My wife has been irritating me for several years. No point in separating us now!"

The rescue

Nathan wakes up one morning to discover his house is on fire. He picks up his son Jack and rushes out. Once Jack is safe, he goes in for his elder son Joe and rushes out with him. He then rescues his wife. Next is the cat. Then he goes back into the house and comes out a couple of time without bringing out anyone.

A passer-by, who had stopped to notice the proceedings, asked him, "Who are you going in for?"

Nathan replies, "Uh...its my mother-in-law. I am turning her over."

Love the news!

Rob called his lawyer for some urgent work and the lawyer's secretary answered, "I am afraid I have bad news. He died this morning."

Rob called back again after some time, and got the same answer.

He called 10 more times, and the lawyer's secretary, clearly angered by now, shouted, "Don't you understand? He's DEAD!!!"

Rob replied, "I just love to hear it over & over again!"

A good sermon

Pastor John Warren closed his eyes for 2 minutes and bowed his head, before he left for the church to deliver his sermon.

His little son, Jeremy, who always observed him do so many times, asked him one day, "Why do you do that Dad?"

Pastor John was happy to see that his son noticed his gestures and said, "Before I leave for church, I ask God to help me preach a good sermon."

Jeremy said innocently, "So why doesn't He do it?"

Peaceful sleep

Mrs. Morgan's doctor was shocked when she asked him for birth-control pills. "But Mrs. Morgan," the doctor said, "You are 73 years old. What do you want to do with birth control pills?"

Mrs. Morgan replied, "Those pills help me sleep in peace."

The doctor, more puzzled, asked, "What have birth control pills got to do with sleep?"

Mrs. Morgan smiled and said, "My teenaged granddaughter is quite a wild cat. I put the pills in her milk everyday and it helps me sleep peacefully."

Art gallery

Sculptor Jehangir Babar stood in the art gallery, admiring 7 of his sculptures that were on display.  He approached Jeff, the guy who managed the gallery and asked, "Has anyone shown interest in buying the sculptures?"

Jeff replied, "I have some positive and some negative news. There has been a positive response to the sculptures. There is this gent who has shown keen interest in your work. In fact, he wanted to know if the value of your art will appreciate after your death. I replied in the affirmative and he agreed to buy all the 7 sculptures. "

"That's great news," said Jehangir. "What's the bad news?"

Jeff replied, "The gent I was mentioning is your doc."

What goes first

Mrs. Torres asked her students in class, "When a person dies, which part of the human body does God first call for?" She added, "The most creative answers will get a prize."

Suzie raised her hand. When the teacher gave her nod, Suzie said, "The brain. One needs a mind to have faith in God."

"Good answer", said Mrs. Torres. "Can anyone else answer the question?"

Penny raised her hand and answered, "It is the heart that goes first. Its from the heart that one loves God."

"Brilliant answer", said Mrs. Torres. "Who else?"

Timmy raised his hand and said, "The legs!"

Mrs. Torres asked, "Why the legs?"

Timmy answered, "My parents were not at home when my sister's boyfriend came home. My sis had her legs up in the air and she said, "My God, I'm coming!"

Little boys and girls

It was Tuesday at St. Mary, a small school in the countryside. The moral science teacher, Mrs. Bamonte, said to a naughty boy called Timmy, "There is not one day that I don't get complaints of you. You have to stop your pranks, Timmy. Do you know where little boys and girls go when they play pranks?"

Timmy was fast to reply, "I know. They go to the barn."

The same thing

It was a full moon night and there was romance in the air. Henry and Joanna were involved in passionate adventures in his bedroom, when Henry asked her, "Can I ask you something? Am I the first one?"

Joanna replied with matter-of-fact expression, "Yes, you are the first one. And the most incredible one. I don't understand why all you guys always want to know the same thing!"

Honeymooners

Joe was in Honolulu for his honeymoon. He had rented a flat for 2 weeks as he wanted to avoid a hotel. After the first night, Joe woke after early next morning, prepared a breakfast of scrambled eggs, toast and coffee. He brought the breakfast for his wife Clara to enjoy it in bed.

Clara was thrilled.

Joe said to her, "Hope you have carefully observed what I did."

Clara replied, "Yes of course. Everything that you did."

Joe said, "That's good. This is how I want you to serve me from tomorrow."

Being polite

As the passenger train slowly started moving, Ed waving goodbye to his friend Morris, said from the open window, "I thoroughly enjoyed my visit to your place. Thank you for taking good care of me. And tell your wife she is really good in bed."

A co-passenger, sitting next to him was shocked and said to Ed, "I couldn't help but overhear what you said. How can you tell a man that his wife is good in bed?"

Ed replied, "Well she is not. I was only trying to be polite, do you mind?"

Surviving a hurricane

When Hurricane Laila hit the Indian sea shore, a luxury boat owned by Indian billionaire Gupta got capsized near the Andaman and Nicobar islands. Bachelor Gupta, who was holidaying with his Man Friday, Prasad, survived the hurricane and swam to a deserted island. The Man Friday, Prasad also swam with Gupta to safety. Prasad was nervous and restless all the time while Gupta was cool as a cucumber. When Prasad could take it no more, he said to Gupta, "Do you realize that we could both die on this island without anybody ever knowing what happened to us. And yet I see you so relaxed. Are you not afraid to die?"

Gupta asked him to calm down and said, "I had donated 5 millions to the Indian Cancer society 4 years back. 3 Million went to the Sports Association of India couple of years back. Another four million went to the ruling political party during elections last year. They all are in need of funds again and I am sure one of them is going to find me!"

Pumpkin joke-The solution that didn't work

Farmer Nick was upset because the kids in his village would often steal pumpkins from his farm. The kids would often be seen eating the pumpkin in the village square

but there was no way to prove that the pumpkins they were relishing were from farmer Nick's farm.

One day, a smart idea stuck him and he placed a sign on the scarecrow which read, "Be warned, there is one pumpkin here which is laced with poison!"

The street urchins showed up at night to steal more pumpkins but stopped short when they read the sign on the scarecrow. They ran away and came back with a sign written in bold which they placed on top of the scarecrow.

The next morning, farmer Nick inspected the fields and noticed all pumpkins were in place. Then he chanced upon the sign the urchins had placed. It read, "Now there are THREE!"

The problem with Albert Jackson

A pompous and self-righteous bachelor called Albert Jackson who was a regular irritant to his family and friends, went to see a doctor. He said to Dr. Wells, "Hey doc, I am feeling miserable. I want you to examine me and give me a diagnosis of the problem."

Dr. Wells cleared his throat and asked, "I will ask some quick questions. Are you hooked on to alcohol?"

Albert replied, "No. Never. Not even in my dreams."

Dr. Wells asked, "Do you smoke?"

Albert replied, "No. I understand the perils of smoking. Never even touched a cigarette."

Dr. Wells asked, "How is your sex life? Do you indulge too much?"

Albert replied, "It's a complete no-no. It is a sin. I completely refrain."

Dr. Wells stared at Albert for a long time, then said, "Do you get headaches?"

Albert replied quickly, "Yes, yes, there is always pain in my head."

Dr. Wells sighed and said, "I know your problem. Your halo is gripping your head too tight."

Baby pumpkin

A mama pumpkin and a baby pumpkin were on the way to the beach. While they were crossing the street, the baby pumpkin was run over by a speeding car. Mama pumpkin caught a cab and rushed baby pumpkin to the nearest hospital.Baby pumpkin was taken to the operation room and the doctors worked on him for several hours. After what seemed like eternity, Mama pumpkin saw a doctor come out of the operation room.

The doctor said, "The good news is that your baby has survived the operation and will live. But he is going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life".

The cardboard

Jimmy and Desmond were not only best of friends, but they also divorced their wives at about the same time. They swore they will not look at another woman again for the rest of their lives. To lead a life of abstinence, they decided to move to the Himalaya mountains. hey had both saved enough money, so they set off on their journey. At the base of the mountain, they went to a store and asked the store-keeper to pack enough supplies to last them for 6 to 7 months. The store-keeper put together toiletries, stationary, confectionary and other essential supplies. He added a cardboard with a hole in it. The hole was lined with soft cotton.

Desmond asked the store-keeper, "What is this cardboard for?"

The store-keeper replied, "Where you are headed, you will not find any women. This cardboard will come in handy."

"What??", said Jimmy. "We are done with women. We do not need any distractions. We don't want the cardboard."

The store-keeper said, "Just take it. I am not charging you for it now. If you use it, pay for it when you visit me again."

"All right", said Jimmy. They collected all the supplies and headed to the mountains.

Several months went by, and one day, the store-keeper saw Desmond entering his store.

Desmond said, "I want toiletries & eatables to last me another 6 months"

The store-keeper asked, "Where is your partner?"

Desmond replied, "Jimmy? I stabbed him to death!"

"Why???" asked the shocked store-keeper.

Desmond replied, "I caught him screwing my board!"

All occupations contribute

One fine day, the English grammar teacher said to everyone in the class, "Okay kids, all of you will tell me what your parents do for a living. Raise your hands one by one and tell me your parents' occupation."

Tina said her father is a doctor.
Jack said his mother worked with the Government Department handling irrigation
Nancy said her father is an engineer.
Betty said her father is an accountant
It was Bill's turn and he said to the teacher, "My mother entertains men at night."

There was complete silence.
The teacher sent him to the principal, Mr. Jones.
When Bill returned to class, the teacher asked him if he repeated to Mr. Jones what he had told in class.

Bill replied, "Yes, i did."

So, the teacher asked, "What did Mr. Jones have to say?"

Bill replied, "He said that all sorts of jobs contribute to the nation's economy, he gave me a bar of chocolate and wanted to know my mom's number."

The chemical solution

When Nathan came home, he asked his wife Dara, "What is Tim doing?" Tim was their 10-year old son who loved gadgets. Dara told him that Tim was in his bedroom playing with the chemistry set that they had gifted him on Christmas eve. Nathan wanted to check on his son, so he went upstairs to Tim's bedroom. As he got closer to Tim's room, he heard the sound of something being pounded on the wall. When he entered the room, he saw Tim hammering a nail into the wall.

Nathan asked his son, "What are you doing, Tim? Why are you hammering the nail into the wall? Aren't you supposed to be playing with your chemistry set?

Tim replied, "Dad, this is not a nail, its an insect. I prepared a solution from the chemicals and drowned the insect in it. The insect became hard as a nail."

Nathan pondered over it and said, "I'll make you a deal. Give me that solution and I will gift you a PlayStation."

"Deal" said Tim while handing over the solution to his father.

The next morning when Tim went down to the living room, he found a brand new X-Box of the latest version. He asked his father, "What about the PlayStation?"

Nathan replied, "The PlayStation is on the dining table. The X-Box is a gift from your Mom."

Story of a funeral

Michelle went to the City Funeral Home to arrange for her husband Mel's funeral. She told the attendant that she wanted Mel to be dressed in a grey suit when he was buried.

The attendant asked, "Madam, don't you think it would be convenient to let him wear beige suit that he is already dressed in?"

Michelle was sure about what she wanted and told the attendant that her instructions be followed. Money was not a problem.

On the day of the funeral, Michelle finds Mel attired in a grey business suit while he rested in the coffin. She told the attendant it was perfect and asked him the cost.

The attendant replied, "To be honest, there's no extra cost. You won't believe what happened. Immediately after you left, there was another corpse that was brought in, and he had a grey suit on. His size was no different from your husband's size. The other widow didn't have a problem with a beige suit, so I simply exchanged the heads."

An office joke

The Admin and HR head in my organization pulled a fast one on all employees during the lunch break on the last day of the financial year. He announced, "Everyone pay attention, we are going to pay a little game. Your increment will depend on whether you play this game successfully."

He continued, "I will announce the name of a fruit, and as soon as you hear it, you all have to move to the left side of the hall. If i announce the name of a colour, everyone has to move to the right side of the hall. Anyone who moves in the wrong direction misses his or her pay hike this year.Clear to everyone?"

Everybody nodded in the affirmative.

The Admin and HR head then announced, "Okay...ready? ORANGE!!"

Loud noises from the hall, "WTF!!"

Family phone

Felix was not happy with his 12 year old daughter Tia, spending all her time on the landline phone. Because of her, nobody could use the house phone. So he bought her a mobile phone to keep her away from the house phone.

Next day, when he came back from work, he found Tia sprawled on the couch and gossiping on the house phone.

Angered, Felix shouted at her, "Why don't you use the mobile phone I bought you?"

"Oh I can't do that," Tia replied, "I'm expecting an important call on my cellphone."

Very drunk man

A night-patrol policeman noticed a drunk man trying to enter a house. He went up to the drunk guy and asked, "Is this your house?"

"Yesh!", replied the inebriated man.

The night-patrol policeman asked, "Are you sure?"

"Yessh sirr", replied the wasted man."Can you help me open the door, I'll prove it to you."

They went in and the drunkard said, "You see that painting? Belongsh to me!! See that LED TV? Belongsh to me!!"

He then asked the policeman to follow him upstairs.He made his way up unsteadily. He opEned the door and declared, "See the bedd. Belongsh to me. That wooman shleeping on the bed - that's my wife. You see that fellow shleeping next to her. That's meee!"

Baby ships

Tara and her 6-year-old son, Arjun, were on board the Blue Ocean, a cruise service from Bombay to Goa in India. Arjun was excited to be on the deck all day. He asked his mother, "Mom, if big dolphins have baby dolphins and bik sharks have baby sharks, then why don't big ships have baby ships?"

Tara, engrossed in the novel that she was reading, and unable to come up with an immediate answer, said to Arjun "Why don't you find the Captain and ask him?"

Arjun ran towards the Captain's cabin and finding him, posed his question,"Sir, if big dolphins have baby dolphins and big sharks have baby sharks, then why don't big ships have baby ships?"

The Captain was wise and asked the boy, "Did your mother send you to me with this question?"

"Yes", replied Arjun.

"Well", said the Captain, "Tell your mother that the Blue Ocean pulls out on time."

Angry sheikh

Pete, Harry and Alex were holidaying in Dubai. While shopping in a mall, they came across some beautiful girls and started flirting with them. They had no idea that

the girls were from the harem of a local sheikh who was a tycoon.

All the three men were forced into a Land Rover and taken to the sheikh's palace. When the sheikh's men who had escorted the girls to the mall, narrated what had

happened, the sheikh was mad as hell. The sheikh roared, "I own these girls. You had the audacity to flirt with my girls! You will pay for this.  You will all die in

line with your profession.

With this, the sheikh pointed towards Pete and asked, "What is your profession?"

Pete replied, "I am a carpenter."

The sheikh ordered his men to hammer down Pete's manhood.

Next was Harry and the sheikh asked him, "What do you do for a living?"

Harry replied, "I am a fire fighter"

The sheikh ordered his men to burn his manhood.

The shiekh asked Alex, "What's your line of work?"

Alex looked mighty pleased and said with a smile, "I sell lollipops!"