Clean jokes-Cultured individuals

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here."

One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."

Really funny jokes-Aviation amusement

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were often short-tempered. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.

Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."

Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."

The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" S

peedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."

Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."

Good jokes-Reluctant father

Little Jordan wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents, Al and Elaine, for days. Finally Elaine talked Jordan's reluctant father into taking him. And so Jordan and Al got into the car and left.

"So how was it?" Elaine asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Jordan replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked Elaine. "

Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Jordan, excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!"

Funny animal jokes-Does your dog bite?

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"

"No."

A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.

"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.

"That's not my dog."

Really funny jokes-Penguins' day out

There was this truck driver who had to deliver 500 penguins to the state zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert, his truck breaks down. After about 3 hours, he waves another truck down and offers the driver $500 to take these penguins to the state zoo for him.

The next day the original truck driver arrives in town and sees the new truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins walking in single file behind him. The original truck driver jumps out of his truck and asks, "What's going on? I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!"

The new truck driver responds, "I did take them to the zoo. And I had enough money left over so now we're going to see a movie."

Funny jokes-Drank so much

"Didja hear the news?" asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon. "Harrigan drank so much, his wife left him!"

"Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!!"

Celebrity jokes-Jail sentence

Q: Why is George Michael's 8 week jail sentence too harsh?

A: He has to serve the sentence in a women's prison!

Really funny jokes-Northern and Southern zoo

What's the difference between a Northern zoo and a Southern zoo?

In a Northern zoo you have the name of the animal and the Latin name underneath. In a Southern zoo you haven the name of the animal and a recipe underneath.

Good jokes-Fuel truck

Pilot: Tower, please call me a fuel truck.

Tower: Roger. You are a fuel truck.

Halloween jokes-President Obama

President Obama tried to get a new tax through for Halloween. He wanted all families making more than $250,000 to give extra candy to trick-or-treaters.

Hilarious jokes-Baby hippo's name

Zoo visitor: What's the new baby hippo's name?

Hippopotamus keeper: I don't know, he won't tell me.

Clean jokes-Inebriated driver

It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters. The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.

"Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was. "Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he. "And what did you do then," the troopers asked."

The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed. "Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage. "May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage. Inside the garage was the state troopers car.

Really funny jokes-Guess who?

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime, and instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"

Short funny jokes-Trashing the hotel room

What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room?

Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.

Hilarious jokes-Curing the illness

One day a drunk walked into a bar and ordered a gin and tonic. He drank half of it and poured the rest on the bartender. The bartender got angry, grabbed the drunk by the collar, pulled him close to his face, and asked, "Why did you do that?"

The drunk said very apologetically, "I am so very sorry sir. Please forgive me. I can't help it. It's an illness I can't get rid of. I am so ashamed of it. How can I make it up to you?"

The bartender answered, "Haven't you seen anyone about this problem?" The drunk replied, "I never thought of that. Maybe I will."

The bartender said, "Don't come back until you do get help," and the drunk left.

About three months later the drunk came back to the same bar, ordered another gin and tonic, drank half of it, and poured the rest of it on the bartender.

The bartender shouted, "I thought I told you not to come back until you got help!"

The drunk replied, "I did. Now I don't feel ashamed."

No Hope

When Americans woke up last month, they suddenly realized:
15 years ago they had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope ... Today they have no Jobs, no Cash and no Hope....

Good jokes-See the monkeys

"Hey, Pop," pleaded Angelo, "can I go to the zoo to see the monkeys?" "

What's the matter with you?" asked his father. "Why would you wanna go see the monkeys when your Aunt Maud is here?"

Really funny jokes-Do you want a box?

Each day when I would come home from work I would drop to my knees and ask my 4-year-old son if he wanted to box. I wanted him to learn how to protect himself, so we would spar around for a few minutes before supper.

One day my wife and I took our son to get new shoes. The shoe salesman was friendly and allowed my son to try on several pairs of shoes before we decided on a particular pair that he liked. We asked if he wanted to wear them home and he replied, "Yes." The salesman, who was kneeling on the floor in front of our son, held the old shoes in his hands and asked, "Do you want a box?"

Our son stood up and punched him right on the nose.

After grabbing our son we had to spend the next several minutes explaining why this happened. Luckily, our salesman was the father of a 4 year old.

SMS jokes-Apple a day

How does an apple a day keep the doctor away?

When you take careful aim.

Laurel and Hardy jokes-Dead or Alive?

Laurel and Hardy were repairing their roof. All of a sudden, Hardy lost his balance and went tumbling on the ground. Laurel rushed down, reached Hardy who was lying motionless and asked: “You still alive or dead?”

Hardy: “Alive.”

Laurel: “You mostly lie to me. I don’t know whether to trust you or not.”

Hardy: “Then I must be dead. You won’t dare to call me a liar if I were alive.”

Funny jokes-Romantic Gorilla

Two young nuns having just been ordained were on a holiday in New York City and were standing in front of the gorilla cage at the Bronx Zoo. The gorilla took one look at this beautiful young nun, bent the bars, jumped to the ground and kissed her. Then he went back into his cage, straightened the bars and resumed thumping on his massive chest.

The nuns met again a week later and one of the nuns asked her friend,"I have one question. Did he sent flowers afterwards...?"

Halloween jokes-Three vampires in a bar

It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and bellied up to the bar. "

What will you have?" the bartender asked.

"I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied.
"I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second.
"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third.

"OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll be two bloods and a blood light?"

Celebrity jokes-Hair color

Q: Why did Anna Nicole Smith change her hair color from blonde to red?

A: Because red is easier to spell!

Finance jokes-CPA

What does CPA stand for?
Can't Produce Anything

What does FCPA stand for?
Finally Caught Pinching the Assets.

Really funny jokes-Typical Texas baby

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"

"Yup, shore am!"

"How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."

The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."

The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"

Hilarious jokes-Dead Raccoons

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons.

"Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."

Short funny jokes-Two tickets

Why did the Irishman buy two tickets to the zoo?

One to get in and one to get out.

Really funny jokes-The lions will eat anything

Starting his new job at the zoo, the eager young zoo keeper asked the Head keeper what he should do for his first task. "Go and clean out the aquarium" he was told.

Arriving at the aquarium, he discovered that all the fish were dead. He rushed back to the head keeper and asked what he should do.

"Throw them to the lions" said the head keeper, "the lions will eat anything".

So the young keeper returned to the aquarium, picked up all the dead fish and threw them into the lion's cage. That done, he returned and asked what he should do now. He was instructed to go and clean out the ape house. Off he went and started cleaning. He was shocked to discover dead chimpanzees in the cage, and rushed back for instructions.

"Don't worry" said the head keeper, "just throw them to the lions, the lions will eat anything".

So the young man returns to the ape house and throws the dead animals into the lions cage. Returning again for instructions, he is told to go along and help clean up the insect house. Busy cleaning out one off the exotic hives, he notices that all the bees have died. "I know what to do", he thinks to himself "I'll throw them all to the lions, as the lions will eat anything", whereupon he brushes them all up and throws them into the lion cage.

The next day, the zoo obtains a new lioness. The lioness is walking around the new cage for the first time, and starts asking the other lions what things are like here. "Hows the accommodation?", she asks.

"Fine" comes the reply from one lion.

"And whats the food like?" she asks.

"Not bad" replies another, "yesterday, we had fish, chimps and mushy bees".

Hilarious jokes-Auditor

Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

Why did he cross back?
So he could charge the client for travel expenses.

Funny jokes-Spanish lessons

Dewey and Odell met on the Brownsville main street.

"Say," said Dewey, "Ah hurd yew and yore wife is goin' ta night school ta take Spanish lessons. How cum?"

"Uh huh," answered Odell. "We went and adopted us a little Mexican baby, and we wanna be able ta understand him when he gets old enough ta talk!"

Celebrity jokes-Jump off

Q: Why did Britney jump off the building?

A: She thought her maxi pads had wings

Really funny jokes-Noise abatement

An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on time departure. The weather in New York finally cleared and the pilot asked for his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due to the increased traffic now leaving New York. Sometime later he finally received his clearance and decided he would try to make up the time lost by asking for a direct route to Los Angeles. Halfway across the country he was told to turn due South. Knowing that this turn would now throw him further behind schedule he inquired, quite agitated, to the controller for the reason of the turn off course. The controller replied that the turn was for noise abatement. The pilot was infuriated and said to the controller, "Look buddy, I am already way behind schedule with all the delays you guys have given me today. I really don't see how I could be causing a noise problem for pedestrians when I am over 6 miles above the earth!" The controller answered in a calm voice, "Apparently, Captain, you have never heard two 747's collide!"

Short funny jokes-What is a baby?

What is a baby:
A soft pink thing that makes a lot of noise at one end and has no sense of responsibility at the other.

Hilarious jokes-From Mars

A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We're here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?"

The owner replies, "I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant."

Really funny jokes-Suffering accountants

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?

Depreciation.

Kids jokes-Entertaining the baby

A distraught mum rushed into the back yard, where eight-year-old Tommy was banging on the bottom of an old upturned tin bath with a poker.

"What do you think you're doing?" she demanded.

"I'm just entertaining the baby," explained Tommy.

"Where is the baby?" asked his Mum.

"Under the bath."

Redneck jokes-Whole movie

Sauer and Tolbert went to the zoo and watched in awe as a lion let loose with a spine-tingling roar. "Let's get out of here!" said Sauer.

"Go on, if'n you want to," said the other redneck. "But Ah'm stayin' for the whole movie!"

Clean jokes-Loose chickens

The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."

"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."

Funny jokes-One up

It is a known fact that Winston Churchill had no time for women, particularly women in politics. Churchill was particularly adverse to one Nancy Ashton, a woman M.P. On one occasion he was particularly nasty to Nancy in the parliament, when Nancy declared openly: "Sir, if I were your wife, I would poison your drinks, mark my words.”

Having already tasted his little victory earlier, Churchill was generous: "And dear lady, if I were your husband, I would drink it.”

Really funny jokes-Welcome aboard

From an Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Good jokes-Norwegian Beer Bottles

What does it say at the bottom of Norwegian Beer Bottles?

Open At Other End.

Hilarious jokes-Look in the lion's mouth

A man went to work for a zoo veterinarian.

"Look in the lion's mouth," the vet told him.

"How do I do that?" he asked.

"Carefully," replied the vet.

Teacher jokes-Comments made by NYC teachers

Actual comments made by NYC teachers on their report cards as of their final narratives. All teachers were reprimanded!

1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your child is depriving a village of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When tour daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t here.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
11. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is gone.

Hilarious jokes-Started with the iPhone

It all started with an iPhone...

My son celebrated his 16th birthday in April,
and I bought him an iPhone. He simply loved it.

I celebrated my birthday in May, and I was really pleased to get an ipad from my wife.

My daughter's birthday was in November, so I got her an iPod Touch.

My wife's birthday was celebrated in February, so I got her an iRon.

It was around that time the fights started...

What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

I should be out of the hospital next week!!

iHurt

Really funny jokes-Turkey style

"Well, dear what's it to be tonight?" said the amorous hubby.

"Hmmm ... I'm in the mood for something special tonight, how about turkey style?" replied his mate.

"Turkey style? I've heard of 'doggy style,' but what in the world is turkey style?"

To which the wife replied, "Gobble, gobble, gobble!"

Celebrity jokes-Bob Marley

Q. Why did they have so much trouble burying Bob Marley?

A. His coffin kept jammin'

Hilarious jokes-Lost bearings

An auditor is checking the books of an airline. He is puzzled by the excess use of fuel on a Melbourne to Canberra flight. He rings up the pilot and asks for an explanation.

"It was late at night'" says the pilot, "Canberra was covered in fog and I lost my bearings."

"I'm sorry," says the auditor, "but you'll have to bear the cost yourself."

"The cost of what?" asks the pilot. "Of the bearings you lost."

Funny jokes-Baby sitters

Q: How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, They don't make Pampers small enough.

Funny jokes-New invention

Sohan and Mohan were discussing Sohan’s new computer.

Sohan: “my new invention is a computer that behaves like human beings.”

Mohan: “How?”

Sohan: “For every mistake it makes, it starts blaming the other computers”

Clean jokes-Watching the the gnu

The Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year they predicted the general luck and overall mood of the year by watching the the gnu. If the gnu's ears were forward, that meant a successful, joyous year was almost certain to happen. But if his ears were laid back flat against his head, it meant that an unlucky or very unhappy year was sure to come. One year it was young Mary's turn to "survey" the animal and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to take the key to the cage. She was late in coming to check on the gnu. Well, she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in fact it was quite good.

To explain the error, the local newspaper ran the following headline a year later:
MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU'S EAR!