Bartender's dilemma

Daniel, who had lost his arms in a car accident few years back, walked into a bar. He asked Joe the bartender for a glass of beer. When Joe pushed a glass to him, Daniel said, "Listen buddy, I don't have arms. Do you mind holding the glass up to my mouth?"

Joe obliged.

Daniel said after a while, "Can you please pull out my handkerchief from my pocket and wipe my mouth?"

Joe said "Sure" and obliged.

Daniel finished his beer and said, "Do you mind reaching out into my left pocket for the money."

Joe did as told.

Daniel thanked him and said, "You have been very considerate. Can you guide me to the toilet please."

Joe replied, "Ya, you need to get out of the door, take a right, walk 3 blocks, and then turn left. There's one in the store over there."   

Which side of the bar?

Danny, the big wrestler entered a bar and ordered his beer. He sipped from his mug, then loudly announced,  "All you people of the left side of the bar are bl**dy idiots!"

There was silence in the bar. Danny asked again ,"Does anyone have a problem with that?"

He had a few more sips. Then announced again "All you people of the right side of the bar are cowards!"

There was silence in the bar.

He looked around and said, "Does anyone have a problem with that?"

A man got up and walked towards him. Danny looked him in the eye and said, "You got a problem, dude?"

The man replied, "No problem. I'm just going to the right side of the bar."

Old millionaire

Jason, an eighty-eight year old millionaire married a young girl Janie. After a few months, he went to see his doctor and told him that his wife was expecting a baby.

Dr. Smith simply said to him, "I want to share a story with you. A guy who was absent minded went hunting. Instead of his gun, he carried a walking stick to the jungle where he was attacked by a lion. He pointed his walking stick at the lion and shot it, killing it instantly."

"But that's impossible," said old Jason, "Someone else must have shot the lion."

"Exactly my point, " said Dr. Smith.

God's gifts

When I was tucking in my two little children to bed, I said that God had given us eyes so we could see the world. Then I touched my daughter Mary's ears and said that God gave us ears to hear. Touching little Jack's nose, I said that God gifted us nose to smell. Hands to work & eat, and legs to run.

Mary asked, "But Mom, God must have made a mistake with Jack bcoz his nose runs and his feet smell."

Paint job

The Jacksons were getting their house painted. While Mr. Jackson was in office, Mrs. Jackson was supervising the paint job at their home.

Mr. Jackson came home from work and leaned against a freshly pained wall.

The next day, Mrs. Jackson said to the painter, "Let me show you where my husband put his hand last nite."

Painter Joe nodded his head in disgust and said, "Listen lady, I have a whole day of work ahead of me. Do you mind making some coffee for me instead."

The delicious sandwich

There was this group of old ladies who met at a club every weekend to play bridge.

Half way through the game, One lady Elsa exclaimed, "Oh no! I am late. I have to get back home & prepare dinner for my husband, Gilbert. If I do not reach home before he is back from work, all hell will break lose!

When Elsa reached home, she realized there was only a loaf of bread and two eggs in the kitchen. Since there was no time to go to the store to buy stuff, she searched the cupboard and found a can of cat-food. As she could not think of anything else, she made some sandwiches with the egg and the cat-food just as Gilbert entered the door.

She watched in disgust as Gilbert wolfed down the sandwich. Expecting to be reprimanded, she was surprised when Gilbert announced that this was the best sandwich she had ever made for him and that she should make it more often.

So Elsa made her husband the cat-food sandwich every time she went out with the old gals to play bridge. When she told her bridge mates about it, they were shocked! One of them said, "But he could die!"

After three months, Gilbert died.

When the old women met the next time for a game, one of them said to Elsa, "He died because of you. We had warned you against giving him cat-food but you did not listen. How could you be so calm enjoying the game knowing that he died because of you?!"

Elsa replied, "I am not responsible. He fell off a tree trying to catch a sparrow."

The confession

Priest James Asher was retiring and there was a dinner hosted in his honor. Politician Ron Craig who had grown up in that locality was chosen as the chief guest who would make a speech at the occasion. Since the politician was late, Priest James Asher decided to say a few words to the gathering while they waited for the politician to arrive.

Priest James began, "I want to share something with all of you. When I came to this parish for the first time, I had a negative impression after the 1st confession that I heard. The first person who came to the confessional told me that he was a thief. He had stolen gold ornaments from several households, but was able to bribe his way through the police , to avoid being jailed. He had several affairs, visited women in the night, had maimed and killed people. He had even smuggled and traded in drugs. I was so shocked to learn that one person could be involved in so many crimes, that I feared that my time here would not be a comfortable one. But as the days and weeks passed, I learned that people in this parish were not that bad, and I would get to like them."

Just as Priest James Asher finished talking, politician Ron Craig arrived and apologized for being late.

He started his speech by saying, "I remember the first day when Priest James Asher arrived. In fact, I had the privilege of being the first one to enter his confessional."