Paint job

The Jacksons were getting their house painted. While Mr. Jackson was in office, Mrs. Jackson was supervising the paint job at their home.

Mr. Jackson came home from work and leaned against a freshly pained wall.

The next day, Mrs. Jackson said to the painter, "Let me show you where my husband put his hand last nite."

Painter Joe nodded his head in disgust and said, "Listen lady, I have a whole day of work ahead of me. Do you mind making some coffee for me instead."

The delicious sandwich

There was this group of old ladies who met at a club every weekend to play bridge.

Half way through the game, One lady Elsa exclaimed, "Oh no! I am late. I have to get back home & prepare dinner for my husband, Gilbert. If I do not reach home before he is back from work, all hell will break lose!

When Elsa reached home, she realized there was only a loaf of bread and two eggs in the kitchen. Since there was no time to go to the store to buy stuff, she searched the cupboard and found a can of cat-food. As she could not think of anything else, she made some sandwiches with the egg and the cat-food just as Gilbert entered the door.

She watched in disgust as Gilbert wolfed down the sandwich. Expecting to be reprimanded, she was surprised when Gilbert announced that this was the best sandwich she had ever made for him and that she should make it more often.

So Elsa made her husband the cat-food sandwich every time she went out with the old gals to play bridge. When she told her bridge mates about it, they were shocked! One of them said, "But he could die!"

After three months, Gilbert died.

When the old women met the next time for a game, one of them said to Elsa, "He died because of you. We had warned you against giving him cat-food but you did not listen. How could you be so calm enjoying the game knowing that he died because of you?!"

Elsa replied, "I am not responsible. He fell off a tree trying to catch a sparrow."

The confession

Priest James Asher was retiring and there was a dinner hosted in his honor. Politician Ron Craig who had grown up in that locality was chosen as the chief guest who would make a speech at the occasion. Since the politician was late, Priest James Asher decided to say a few words to the gathering while they waited for the politician to arrive.

Priest James began, "I want to share something with all of you. When I came to this parish for the first time, I had a negative impression after the 1st confession that I heard. The first person who came to the confessional told me that he was a thief. He had stolen gold ornaments from several households, but was able to bribe his way through the police , to avoid being jailed. He had several affairs, visited women in the night, had maimed and killed people. He had even smuggled and traded in drugs. I was so shocked to learn that one person could be involved in so many crimes, that I feared that my time here would not be a comfortable one. But as the days and weeks passed, I learned that people in this parish were not that bad, and I would get to like them."

Just as Priest James Asher finished talking, politician Ron Craig arrived and apologized for being late.

He started his speech by saying, "I remember the first day when Priest James Asher arrived. In fact, I had the privilege of being the first one to enter his confessional."

Memories of an elder sis

Memories of an elder sis

Anyone who has an elder sis will relate to all the below:

- you have been the object of her experiments. She has tried hairstyles, eyeliners, mascara on you

- she has played the teacher and you have been the pupil

- you have been beaten in the pursuit of control of the tv remote

- you have assisted her in experiments in cooking

- she has decided what you are going to be when you grow up

- she made you believe that your parents adopted you

- she has confined you to a room or a bathroom

- if you have been her partner-in-crime, she has taken all the reprimands & bestings for you

- you have felt a sense of security in school with her around

- you can't forget the excitement on you face when someone asked who was elder between the two

- all permissions to be taken from parents was her responsibility  

- you would get sadistic pleasure by irritating her

- she was and will be your bestest friend in the world
 

A good speech

Lydia said to her husband, "Phil, you delivered a great speech today."

Phil said, "Well, thank you. But you know what, the audience was full of stupid morons."

Lydia asked teasingly, "No wonder you started your speech with BROTHERS AND SISTERS!"

Strategy for survival

Ronald Gabriel was known for his love for golf. How good he was at the sport is another story.

Once while playing, the golf ball landed on an ant-hill. Ronald swung at the ball sitting on the ant-hill. One could see an explosion of mud and ants flying in the air. Everything seemed to have moved but not the golf ball which had not budged from its place.

So Ronald gave it another try and again mud & ants flew in all directions but the golf ball remained where it was.

Two ants, Rub & Dub, who had survived the assault were discussing their strategy for survival.

Rub asked, "What do you think should we do?"

Dub replied, "The only sensible thing to do is to get on the ball as as soon as possible."

Neil's letter

When my 5 year old son Neil was scribbling something on a notepad, I asked him teasingly, "Are you writing a letter to God?"

Neil replied, "No. I am writing a letter to myself."

I asked, "All right. What are you writing to yourself?"

Neil replied, "There's no way to know. I have not received the letter yet."