Problem with Peter

When Peter went to see his doctor, he had a radish stuck in his left ear, a carrot in his right ear, and a lady finger stuck in each of the nostrils.

The doctor, visibly shocked asked him, "What is this?"

Pater replied, "Doctor, I am not feeling too well, can you tell me what's the problem with me?"

The doctor sighed and replied, "To begin with, you are not eating properly."

Habitual late-comer

Gabriel was a late-comer. He would always be late to work and had been reprimanded many times by his boss, Mr. Ambrose. The problem with Gabriel was that he just could not get himself to leave the bed in the morning. When he was late once again during the busy last week of the month, Mr. Ambrose gave him a final warning, "One more time you are late, and you are permanently out of here."

Gabriel went to see a doctor and narrated his predicament. The doctor gave him a few medicines and asked him to take it after meals.

Gabriel felt relaxed and got up early in the morning. He had a hearty breakfast and made it to his office before time.

The moment he saw Mr. Ambrose walk in, Gabriel said, "Well Mr. Ambrose, I will not give you a reason to get upset again. I feel fresh as a Daisy!"

"That's okay" said Mr. Ambrose, "But why were you not in office yesterday?"

FYF

The topic of the Sunday sermon was "FYF", short for Forgive Your Foes. Preacher James Asher, after having spoken on the subject for nearly an hour, asked the congregation, "So how many of you present here are  prepared to forgive your foes?"

Some people raised their hands. Not happy with the poor response, Preacher James preached some more and then repeated the question to the gathering. This time, many more people raised their hands.

Still not satisfied, Preacher James prolonged his sermon a little more and repeated the question once again. Almost everyone raised their hands this time, except for a grumpy little old man.

Preacher James asked the little man, "Mr. Walker, are you still not ready to forgive your foes?"

Mr. Walker replied, "I ain't got any."

Preacher James said, "That's strange. How old are you?"

Mr. Walker replied, "I am eighty-eight."

Preacher James said, "Mr. Walker, please come here on the podium and tell the gathering how one can get to the age of eighty-eight without having any foes."

Mr. Walker walked up to where Preacher James was standing, and said to the crowd, "Didn't have to do anything. I just outlived those jokers."

Return a kid

Mrs. Fernandis stormed into the local Radio Jockey's studio and said, "Need your help with an announcement to be made on radio. My husband, Joe, left me and took my two little kids with him."

Malishka, the RJ, said, "I will certainly help you. You are live on air. You can speak out the message yourself."

Mrs. Fernandis said, "Dear Joe, please return one kid because only one is yours!"

Where do you want to go?

My friend Danny once got into the back of a cab.

The cab driver asked, "Where do you want to go?"

Danny replied, "I want to go to the Metro station, but I want to sit here for a couple of minutes first."

"Okay", said the cab driver with a shrug.

When the rain stopped after 10 minutes, Danny just got of the cab and said to the cabby, "Thanks for that, buddy!"

Boka and Khoka

Boka and Khoka had climbed up a ladder to get on top of the roof. While they were fooling around on the roof, a strong wind blew and the ladder was knocked off.

Wondering how to get down, Boka said, "I have a suggestion. I can push you down. Then you can pick up the ladder and position it for me to come down."

Khoka said, "Don't try to be over-smart and don't you take me for a fool. I have a better suggestion. I will put my torchlight on, and you can climb down holding on to the beam of light."

Boka commented, "Do you think I am a fool? You will turn off the torchlight when I am mid-way there."

The dead Sparrow

My friend Jason had taken his 5 year old daughter, Susie to the garden. Jason was sitting on a park bench watching Susie play with a ball. Suddenly, she stopped playing, and looked at something intently. Then she came running to Jason and said, "Come Daddy, I want to show you something."

She lead him to a tree near which a sparrow lay dead. Suzie asked him, "What happened to the sparrow?"

Jason replied, "The sparrow died and went to Heaven."

Susie said, "Oh! So why did God throw it back to Earth?"

No Romance this!

Leonard and his girlfriend Rina were watching a romantic movie on TV. There was a scene in which two lovers were walking in the rain holding hands.

Rina said, "Why is it that we don't do romantic things like walking in the rain holding hands?"

Leonard looked at her and said, "Cos I have an umbrella."

Vet dilemma

Mary took her husband Pat to a veterinary doctor. She said to the Vet, "Doctor, my husband is unwell. I want you to treat him."

The Vet said to Mary, "But I am animal doctor. I do not treat humans."

Mary said, "The reason I got him here is that he kicks like a donkey in his sleep!"

Harassed passenger

I was an air-hostess employed with Kingfisher Airlines. One day, minutes after the last announcement for boarding the flight, I saw a man rush in and looking for an empty seat. He spotted one and flopped into the seat. Later in the night, I noticed that the guy was getting disturbed by the constant fidgeting of a woman seated next to him. She would keep switching the lights on and off, get up frequently to go to the toilet. But the guy did not say anything and just kept quiet.

I felt sorry for him, so I went up to him and whispered, "Sir, would you like to take another seat?"

He smiled and replied, "My wife has been irritating me for several years. No point in separating us now!"

The rescue

Nathan wakes up one morning to discover his house is on fire. He picks up his son Jack and rushes out. Once Jack is safe, he goes in for his elder son Joe and rushes out with him. He then rescues his wife. Next is the cat. Then he goes back into the house and comes out a couple of time without bringing out anyone.

A passer-by, who had stopped to notice the proceedings, asked him, "Who are you going in for?"

Nathan replies, "Uh...its my mother-in-law. I am turning her over."

Love the news!

Rob called his lawyer for some urgent work and the lawyer's secretary answered, "I am afraid I have bad news. He died this morning."

Rob called back again after some time, and got the same answer.

He called 10 more times, and the lawyer's secretary, clearly angered by now, shouted, "Don't you understand? He's DEAD!!!"

Rob replied, "I just love to hear it over & over again!"

A good sermon

Pastor John Warren closed his eyes for 2 minutes and bowed his head, before he left for the church to deliver his sermon.

His little son, Jeremy, who always observed him do so many times, asked him one day, "Why do you do that Dad?"

Pastor John was happy to see that his son noticed his gestures and said, "Before I leave for church, I ask God to help me preach a good sermon."

Jeremy said innocently, "So why doesn't He do it?"

Peaceful sleep

Mrs. Morgan's doctor was shocked when she asked him for birth-control pills. "But Mrs. Morgan," the doctor said, "You are 73 years old. What do you want to do with birth control pills?"

Mrs. Morgan replied, "Those pills help me sleep in peace."

The doctor, more puzzled, asked, "What have birth control pills got to do with sleep?"

Mrs. Morgan smiled and said, "My teenaged granddaughter is quite a wild cat. I put the pills in her milk everyday and it helps me sleep peacefully."