Art gallery

Sculptor Jehangir Babar stood in the art gallery, admiring 7 of his sculptures that were on display.  He approached Jeff, the guy who managed the gallery and asked, "Has anyone shown interest in buying the sculptures?"

Jeff replied, "I have some positive and some negative news. There has been a positive response to the sculptures. There is this gent who has shown keen interest in your work. In fact, he wanted to know if the value of your art will appreciate after your death. I replied in the affirmative and he agreed to buy all the 7 sculptures. "

"That's great news," said Jehangir. "What's the bad news?"

Jeff replied, "The gent I was mentioning is your doc."

What goes first

Mrs. Torres asked her students in class, "When a person dies, which part of the human body does God first call for?" She added, "The most creative answers will get a prize."

Suzie raised her hand. When the teacher gave her nod, Suzie said, "The brain. One needs a mind to have faith in God."

"Good answer", said Mrs. Torres. "Can anyone else answer the question?"

Penny raised her hand and answered, "It is the heart that goes first. Its from the heart that one loves God."

"Brilliant answer", said Mrs. Torres. "Who else?"

Timmy raised his hand and said, "The legs!"

Mrs. Torres asked, "Why the legs?"

Timmy answered, "My parents were not at home when my sister's boyfriend came home. My sis had her legs up in the air and she said, "My God, I'm coming!"

Little boys and girls

It was Tuesday at St. Mary, a small school in the countryside. The moral science teacher, Mrs. Bamonte, said to a naughty boy called Timmy, "There is not one day that I don't get complaints of you. You have to stop your pranks, Timmy. Do you know where little boys and girls go when they play pranks?"

Timmy was fast to reply, "I know. They go to the barn."

The same thing

It was a full moon night and there was romance in the air. Henry and Joanna were involved in passionate adventures in his bedroom, when Henry asked her, "Can I ask you something? Am I the first one?"

Joanna replied with matter-of-fact expression, "Yes, you are the first one. And the most incredible one. I don't understand why all you guys always want to know the same thing!"

Honeymooners

Joe was in Honolulu for his honeymoon. He had rented a flat for 2 weeks as he wanted to avoid a hotel. After the first night, Joe woke after early next morning, prepared a breakfast of scrambled eggs, toast and coffee. He brought the breakfast for his wife Clara to enjoy it in bed.

Clara was thrilled.

Joe said to her, "Hope you have carefully observed what I did."

Clara replied, "Yes of course. Everything that you did."

Joe said, "That's good. This is how I want you to serve me from tomorrow."

Being polite

As the passenger train slowly started moving, Ed waving goodbye to his friend Morris, said from the open window, "I thoroughly enjoyed my visit to your place. Thank you for taking good care of me. And tell your wife she is really good in bed."

A co-passenger, sitting next to him was shocked and said to Ed, "I couldn't help but overhear what you said. How can you tell a man that his wife is good in bed?"

Ed replied, "Well she is not. I was only trying to be polite, do you mind?"

Surviving a hurricane

When Hurricane Laila hit the Indian sea shore, a luxury boat owned by Indian billionaire Gupta got capsized near the Andaman and Nicobar islands. Bachelor Gupta, who was holidaying with his Man Friday, Prasad, survived the hurricane and swam to a deserted island. The Man Friday, Prasad also swam with Gupta to safety. Prasad was nervous and restless all the time while Gupta was cool as a cucumber. When Prasad could take it no more, he said to Gupta, "Do you realize that we could both die on this island without anybody ever knowing what happened to us. And yet I see you so relaxed. Are you not afraid to die?"

Gupta asked him to calm down and said, "I had donated 5 millions to the Indian Cancer society 4 years back. 3 Million went to the Sports Association of India couple of years back. Another four million went to the ruling political party during elections last year. They all are in need of funds again and I am sure one of them is going to find me!"

Pumpkin joke-The solution that didn't work

Farmer Nick was upset because the kids in his village would often steal pumpkins from his farm. The kids would often be seen eating the pumpkin in the village square

but there was no way to prove that the pumpkins they were relishing were from farmer Nick's farm.

One day, a smart idea stuck him and he placed a sign on the scarecrow which read, "Be warned, there is one pumpkin here which is laced with poison!"

The street urchins showed up at night to steal more pumpkins but stopped short when they read the sign on the scarecrow. They ran away and came back with a sign written in bold which they placed on top of the scarecrow.

The next morning, farmer Nick inspected the fields and noticed all pumpkins were in place. Then he chanced upon the sign the urchins had placed. It read, "Now there are THREE!"

The problem with Albert Jackson

A pompous and self-righteous bachelor called Albert Jackson who was a regular irritant to his family and friends, went to see a doctor. He said to Dr. Wells, "Hey doc, I am feeling miserable. I want you to examine me and give me a diagnosis of the problem."

Dr. Wells cleared his throat and asked, "I will ask some quick questions. Are you hooked on to alcohol?"

Albert replied, "No. Never. Not even in my dreams."

Dr. Wells asked, "Do you smoke?"

Albert replied, "No. I understand the perils of smoking. Never even touched a cigarette."

Dr. Wells asked, "How is your sex life? Do you indulge too much?"

Albert replied, "It's a complete no-no. It is a sin. I completely refrain."

Dr. Wells stared at Albert for a long time, then said, "Do you get headaches?"

Albert replied quickly, "Yes, yes, there is always pain in my head."

Dr. Wells sighed and said, "I know your problem. Your halo is gripping your head too tight."

Baby pumpkin

A mama pumpkin and a baby pumpkin were on the way to the beach. While they were crossing the street, the baby pumpkin was run over by a speeding car. Mama pumpkin caught a cab and rushed baby pumpkin to the nearest hospital.Baby pumpkin was taken to the operation room and the doctors worked on him for several hours. After what seemed like eternity, Mama pumpkin saw a doctor come out of the operation room.

The doctor said, "The good news is that your baby has survived the operation and will live. But he is going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life".

The cardboard

Jimmy and Desmond were not only best of friends, but they also divorced their wives at about the same time. They swore they will not look at another woman again for the rest of their lives. To lead a life of abstinence, they decided to move to the Himalaya mountains. hey had both saved enough money, so they set off on their journey. At the base of the mountain, they went to a store and asked the store-keeper to pack enough supplies to last them for 6 to 7 months. The store-keeper put together toiletries, stationary, confectionary and other essential supplies. He added a cardboard with a hole in it. The hole was lined with soft cotton.

Desmond asked the store-keeper, "What is this cardboard for?"

The store-keeper replied, "Where you are headed, you will not find any women. This cardboard will come in handy."

"What??", said Jimmy. "We are done with women. We do not need any distractions. We don't want the cardboard."

The store-keeper said, "Just take it. I am not charging you for it now. If you use it, pay for it when you visit me again."

"All right", said Jimmy. They collected all the supplies and headed to the mountains.

Several months went by, and one day, the store-keeper saw Desmond entering his store.

Desmond said, "I want toiletries & eatables to last me another 6 months"

The store-keeper asked, "Where is your partner?"

Desmond replied, "Jimmy? I stabbed him to death!"

"Why???" asked the shocked store-keeper.

Desmond replied, "I caught him screwing my board!"

All occupations contribute

One fine day, the English grammar teacher said to everyone in the class, "Okay kids, all of you will tell me what your parents do for a living. Raise your hands one by one and tell me your parents' occupation."

Tina said her father is a doctor.
Jack said his mother worked with the Government Department handling irrigation
Nancy said her father is an engineer.
Betty said her father is an accountant
It was Bill's turn and he said to the teacher, "My mother entertains men at night."

There was complete silence.
The teacher sent him to the principal, Mr. Jones.
When Bill returned to class, the teacher asked him if he repeated to Mr. Jones what he had told in class.

Bill replied, "Yes, i did."

So, the teacher asked, "What did Mr. Jones have to say?"

Bill replied, "He said that all sorts of jobs contribute to the nation's economy, he gave me a bar of chocolate and wanted to know my mom's number."

The chemical solution

When Nathan came home, he asked his wife Dara, "What is Tim doing?" Tim was their 10-year old son who loved gadgets. Dara told him that Tim was in his bedroom playing with the chemistry set that they had gifted him on Christmas eve. Nathan wanted to check on his son, so he went upstairs to Tim's bedroom. As he got closer to Tim's room, he heard the sound of something being pounded on the wall. When he entered the room, he saw Tim hammering a nail into the wall.

Nathan asked his son, "What are you doing, Tim? Why are you hammering the nail into the wall? Aren't you supposed to be playing with your chemistry set?

Tim replied, "Dad, this is not a nail, its an insect. I prepared a solution from the chemicals and drowned the insect in it. The insect became hard as a nail."

Nathan pondered over it and said, "I'll make you a deal. Give me that solution and I will gift you a PlayStation."

"Deal" said Tim while handing over the solution to his father.

The next morning when Tim went down to the living room, he found a brand new X-Box of the latest version. He asked his father, "What about the PlayStation?"

Nathan replied, "The PlayStation is on the dining table. The X-Box is a gift from your Mom."

Story of a funeral

Michelle went to the City Funeral Home to arrange for her husband Mel's funeral. She told the attendant that she wanted Mel to be dressed in a grey suit when he was buried.

The attendant asked, "Madam, don't you think it would be convenient to let him wear beige suit that he is already dressed in?"

Michelle was sure about what she wanted and told the attendant that her instructions be followed. Money was not a problem.

On the day of the funeral, Michelle finds Mel attired in a grey business suit while he rested in the coffin. She told the attendant it was perfect and asked him the cost.

The attendant replied, "To be honest, there's no extra cost. You won't believe what happened. Immediately after you left, there was another corpse that was brought in, and he had a grey suit on. His size was no different from your husband's size. The other widow didn't have a problem with a beige suit, so I simply exchanged the heads."