Lottery money

China's premier TV channel was interviewing a farmer called Chang who had just won a big lottery. The channel representative said to Chang, "Congrats on wining RMB 1 million. How do you plan to spend the money?"

Chang replies, "I will just continue to be a farmer until all the lottery money is gone."

Wonders of a new born

Cyndy had just delivered a baby and was adjusting to the life of a woman who had recently become a mother.

One night, after she and her husband Peter had just put the baby to sleep, she found Peter stand near the baby's cradle looking at the child. Cyndy was standing at the door, observed Peter's face looking down at the new born. His face was a mix of emotions - uncertainty, disbelief, pleasure, happiness, admiration.

Cyndy was deeply touched to see such a display of emotions on Peter's face. She went up to him and putting her arms around his shoulder, asked, "What are you thinking honey?"

Peter replied, "It's incredible, It's hard to believe someone sold the cradle to us for only $47!!"

In the garden

Bill got into an argument with his wife Stella. Stella went out fuming in rage.
 

When she returned, Bill asked her, "Where did you leave my car??"

Stella replied, "In the garden."

Bill said, "But there's noway into the garden!"

Stella gave him a sarcastic look and replied, "Now there is!"

Two musicians

Tim, a clarinet player and Jim, a flute player were playing fusion music at a club on Christmas eve. Everybody seemed to be enjoying the music and there was applause every few minutes.

When the place was to close down for the night, the club manager met the two musicians and made an offer, "Good job guys. They love you. Would you both be able to play here next Christmas eve?"

Tim and Jim take a quick glance at each other and Jim says to the manager, "No problem, we would love to...is it ok with you if we leave our instruments here?"

A drink too many

This funny incident happened right in front of my eyes.

I was in the Metro train in Washington DC when a young man, who seemed to have had a drink too many, flopped into an empty seat.
 

An old lady sitting next to him got agitated and remarked, "I can see your future.You are going to hell."

The inebriated guy jumped out of his seat, and yelled, "But I need to go to Pentagon city!"

Who lost weight?

Ever worried about his wife's excessive weight, Jim said to to his friend John, "Mary took up horse riding to lose weight. Lost 8 Kgs."

John said, "Good for her, hard work bears fruit."

Jim sad, "No, not her. The horse lost weight."

No horns?

When Annabelle decided to take a break from city life, she landed in a small village in the outskirts of the city.

Enjoying her sabbatical, she ventured into a farm. Patting one of the animals, she asked the farmer, "Why is this cow without horns?"

Farmer Joe was silent for a moment. Then he said, "Let me explain to you ma'am. Cattle can sometimes cause harm with horns, so we use various measures to prevent the harm. Either we trim 'em with a chainsaw,
or we catch them young & apply acid where horns grow to stop the growth. There are also breeds that don't grow horns at all. But none of the above reasons applies to this cow. You know why? Cos it's a horse!"

Gambling

My friend Kevin got philosophical one day and was telling me how Life is a gamble. The word 'gamble' sparked off a series of quotes and thoughts. Then the topic steered to men gambling more than women.

Kevin had an explanation for women gambling less than men. He said, "Marriage gratifies their natural instinct for gambling!"

A matter of trust

Doctor Duckback said to his patient, "Please lie down Lucy, I need to examine you."

Lucy said to the doctor, "All right doc, but call the nurse in."

Doctor Duckback, feeling offended, said, "Don't you trust me Lucy?"

Lucy replied, "I do, doc, but that husband of mine waiting outside, doesn't trust me."