Wonders of a new born

Cyndy had just delivered a baby and was adjusting to the life of a woman who had recently become a mother.

One night, after she and her husband Peter had just put the baby to sleep, she found Peter stand near the baby's cradle looking at the child. Cyndy was standing at the door, observed Peter's face looking down at the new born. His face was a mix of emotions - uncertainty, disbelief, pleasure, happiness, admiration.

Cyndy was deeply touched to see such a display of emotions on Peter's face. She went up to him and putting her arms around his shoulder, asked, "What are you thinking honey?"

Peter replied, "It's incredible, It's hard to believe someone sold the cradle to us for only $47!!"

In the garden

Bill got into an argument with his wife Stella. Stella went out fuming in rage.
 

When she returned, Bill asked her, "Where did you leave my car??"

Stella replied, "In the garden."

Bill said, "But there's noway into the garden!"

Stella gave him a sarcastic look and replied, "Now there is!"

Two musicians

Tim, a clarinet player and Jim, a flute player were playing fusion music at a club on Christmas eve. Everybody seemed to be enjoying the music and there was applause every few minutes.

When the place was to close down for the night, the club manager met the two musicians and made an offer, "Good job guys. They love you. Would you both be able to play here next Christmas eve?"

Tim and Jim take a quick glance at each other and Jim says to the manager, "No problem, we would love to...is it ok with you if we leave our instruments here?"

A drink too many

This funny incident happened right in front of my eyes.

I was in the Metro train in Washington DC when a young man, who seemed to have had a drink too many, flopped into an empty seat.
 

An old lady sitting next to him got agitated and remarked, "I can see your future.You are going to hell."

The inebriated guy jumped out of his seat, and yelled, "But I need to go to Pentagon city!"

Who lost weight?

Ever worried about his wife's excessive weight, Jim said to to his friend John, "Mary took up horse riding to lose weight. Lost 8 Kgs."

John said, "Good for her, hard work bears fruit."

Jim sad, "No, not her. The horse lost weight."

No horns?

When Annabelle decided to take a break from city life, she landed in a small village in the outskirts of the city.

Enjoying her sabbatical, she ventured into a farm. Patting one of the animals, she asked the farmer, "Why is this cow without horns?"

Farmer Joe was silent for a moment. Then he said, "Let me explain to you ma'am. Cattle can sometimes cause harm with horns, so we use various measures to prevent the harm. Either we trim 'em with a chainsaw,
or we catch them young & apply acid where horns grow to stop the growth. There are also breeds that don't grow horns at all. But none of the above reasons applies to this cow. You know why? Cos it's a horse!"

Gambling

My friend Kevin got philosophical one day and was telling me how Life is a gamble. The word 'gamble' sparked off a series of quotes and thoughts. Then the topic steered to men gambling more than women.

Kevin had an explanation for women gambling less than men. He said, "Marriage gratifies their natural instinct for gambling!"

A matter of trust

Doctor Duckback said to his patient, "Please lie down Lucy, I need to examine you."

Lucy said to the doctor, "All right doc, but call the nurse in."

Doctor Duckback, feeling offended, said, "Don't you trust me Lucy?"

Lucy replied, "I do, doc, but that husband of mine waiting outside, doesn't trust me."

No sleep

Monty Green, the enterprising partner of Monty & Dexter, a clothing company, was going through a bad phase. Caught at the wrong end of the recession, business had reached rock-bottom and there were debts to pay. The stress was dreadful and Monty Green was losing sleep over it. Though he would come home tired and worn out every day, he found it difficult to get sleep. As the days went by, getting sleep became more and more challenging.

Monty decided he had to do something about his sleep, or rather the lack of it. He made up his mind to try different remedies to get some sleep. He tried listening to soothing music and some instrumental music on the saxophone. It didn't work.

He tried taking hot shower just before bedtime but it didn't work either.

He tried exercising but that too did not work.

He tried sleeping pills but no luck.

He met his old friend Donald and told him about his problem. He asked Donald for suggestions. Donald asked him to try the oldest remedy that ever was - to count sheep jumping over a fence.

Monty said to himself, "Why didn't I think of it before. Surely, this is the most trusted remedy for lack of sleep.Need to try it out tonight."

The next morning, Monty called his friend Donald and asked if he could meet him.

When Donald arrived, he saw Monty in the same state as he had seen before. Donald commented, "Obviously it didn't work."

Monty replied, "It didn't. I started counting sheep immediately after lying down on the bed. Didn't get any sleep. But boy, did I count sheep. I counted 4500 without getting tired. Had to try something else. So I started shearing 'em. Didn't help - I was still wide awake. Not the one to give up, I dyed the wool that I had sheared. No sleep. I spun it. No sleep. I made smart jackets out of 'em. Do you have any idea how tiring this kind of work can get. I started getting sleepy. Then it all went wrong!"

Donald asked, "What went wrong??"

Monty replied, "I was awake for the rest of the night trying to figure out where to get four thousand five hundred silk linings from!"

Sunday at the beach

Santa and Banta are enjoying their Sunday at the beach.

Santa complains to Banta, "I am not having a good time. The girls are not noticing me."

Banta says, "I have a solution. Why don't you put a Banana in your swim shorts. It would help."

So Santa does what he is told and complains to Banta again after some time."I did what you asked me to do but it's no good."

Banta chuckled and said, "Santa, you are supposed to put it in the front!"

Bruno's dilemma

Bruno loves mountain climbing, so off he goes scaling heights in the Himalayas. He is almost at the peak of the mountain, when his slips and plunges down. He falls thirty feet, when he grabs on to a bush that is protruding out of a rock.

Bruno looks shown and shudders when he sees the depth. It looks to him that death is imminent. His hands begin to slip and he starts losing his grip on the bush.

In desperation, Bruno cries out loud, "Is anyone up there who can help me?"

Just then, a voice booms from the skies, "Bruno, I am God. Have faith in me. Let go of that bush.I will protect you."

Bruno looks down at the depth again, and then looks up and says, "Is anyone else up there?"

Refrain

Sardar Santa Singh decides to give up all worldly things for a period of 6 months. He took an oath to refrain from all worldly desires to appease the Gods so that his dream of watching his country win the Cricket World cup comes true.

He tells his wife about the decision and that he would also have to refrain from all nocturnal activities. His wife Jeeto is not happy with the idea but decides to support him nevertheless as it is for a good cause.

One week goes by, then the second, and Sardar Santa Singh finds it more and more difficult to control himself. To help him, Jeeto wears the most uglly nightdresses and does not brush before going to bed. three to four months go by. The last 2 months are the most difficult for Santa, so Jeeto locks him out of the bedroom every night and he is forced to sleep on the sofa.

Finally, D-Day arrives and there were loud knocks on Jeeto's bedroom door.

Sardar Santa Singh asks, "Guess who is this?"

Jeeto replies, "I very well know who it is."

Sardar Santa Singh asks, "Guess what I need?"

Jeeto replies, "I very well know what you need!"

Sardar Santa Singh asks, "Guess what I am pounding the door with?"

Is she better?

Neil was engaged to Betty. One day, he dropped by to see her and said, "I am sorry, darling but I have to call off our engagement. I have to marry another girl."

Betty became hysterical and cried, "Why Niel? Why do you wish to marry another girl? Is she better looking than me?"

"No", answered Niel. "She is not."

Betty's next question was, "Does she cook better than me?"

"No", answered Niel, "Her best doesn't even come close to yours."

Betty asked, "Does she buy you things like I do?"

"No", answered Niel, "She does not work, and has no bank balance."

Betty, completely frustrated by now, asked, "Then what can she do that I cannot do?"

Niel, avoiding eye contact, answered, "She can go to court for child support."

Just an apple

Monty Moolik was the Chairman of an organization that promoted vegetarian food. For years, he had one wish - to experience the taste of pork. when the feeling was getting a little out of hand, he decided to go on a vacation all by himself and experiment. So he headed for a beach resort away from town, and found a nice restaurant to have his dinner. He ordered a roasted pig, and waited for the experience of a life time. The wait was making him a little edgy, when he heard his name being called from behind. When he turned to see who was calling out his name, he was flabbergasted to see a member of the Veg society walking towards him. At the same time, the waiter came along with a big platter, carrying a full roasted pig and an apple in it's mouth.

Monty thought fast and finally said to his fellow member, "Look at this! I just order an apple and look what it came in!!"