Cheese

A group of Pakistanis was touring Europe. They were in a bus passing through the countryside in Switzerland, when the tour guide asked the driver to stop at a cheese farm. The guide wanted to show the tourists how cheese in processed. He pointed out to a herd of goats that was grazing in the hills.

He said to the group, "These goats out there are the older ones who are put to pasture when they can't produce any more."

He want on to ask, "What do you do in Pakistan with your old goats?"

Ali, an old gent said, "We are sent on bus tours!"

No kidding!

Peter visited the church and after the sermon was over, went to meet the Preacher.

Peter said to preacher John, "That was a godam*ed fine sermon preacher. It really made my day!"

Preacher John said to Peter, "I am glad you liked it, but you should not use profanities."

Peter said, "I was so moved by the sermon that I donated $3000 to the church."

Preacher John exclaimed, "WTF! Hope you are not kidding me!"

Talk about age

Dennis, 75 years of age, is a rich widower who is a regular at the Golf Club.

One evening, he turns up at the Club with a gorgeous 20-something hot girl in his arms. All his friends drool over her and can't stop eying her.

While they were munching snacks, one of his friends whispers to him, "Hey Dennis, that sure is one hell of a girlfriend you got yourself! How did you manage to woo her?"

Dennis replies, "Girlfriend? That's my wife!"

The friend can't believe what he just heard. He probes further, "How on earth did she agree to marry you?"

Dennis replies, "I just lied about my age."

The friend asks, "What did you tell her, you were 50 or 55?"

Dennis chuckles and replies, "Nope. I said I was 85."

Who is your well wisher?

Danny: Do you know only a robber is a well wisher.

Sunny: What a weird thing to say? Why so?

Danny: My doc wishes me to fall sick, my lawyer hopes I get on the wrong side of law, the coffin maker wishes that I die. Only a robber will wish that I prosper in life.

Exaggerated humor

Katie wanted her boyfriend to meet her parents. So she took Bob home on a Saturday eve.

Katie's father asked Bob, "What is your profession?"

Bob replied, "I am in the restaurant business."

Katie interrupted, "Restaurant business! Bob owns a chain of fast-food stores."

Katie's father asked the next question, "Where do you live Bob?"

Bob replied, "I own a place in town."

Katie interrupted, "A place! Bob owns a luxury duplex in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn.

Katie's father asked, "Where do you see yourself 10 years from now?"

Bob replied, "I am planning some take-overs in the near future."

Katie interrupted, "Take-overs! He is buying out Wendy's!"

At that point, Bob sneezed.

Katie's mother asked, "Have you got a cold?"

Katie screamed, "A cold! My Bob's got pneumonia!"

Water in Heaven

Harry died in a road accident and found himself walking down a lonely road. He found his dog, Boozo, walking next to him. Harry remembered Boozo dying many years back, and realized they were in the afterlife. He wondered where the road would lead to.

They arrived at a glorious big white gate and walked to the man guarding it.

Harry asked the man, "What is this place called?"

The man replied, "This is Heaven."

Harry asked, "Can we have some water to drink?"

The man replied, "Yes, of course. Go straight ahead and take a left. You will find a water cooler there."

Harry gestured towards the dog and asked, "Can Boozo here come in too?"

The man said, "I am sorry but we do not allow pets."

Harry thought for a moment, nodded to the man and turned back toward the road with Boozo in tow.

They walked for a long time, and came across a dirt road which lead to a farm with no gate. A man was relaxing on a chair, his face covered with a straw hat.

Harry approached the man and asked if he could get some water.

The man replied, "Sure, there's a pump in the corner. Help yourself."

"What about  my friend here?", Harry asked, "Can he join me?"

The man replied, "That's no problem, you should find a bowl by the pump."

Harry thanked him and walked upto the pump. He quenched his thirst and also gave Boozo water in the bowl to drink.

When they were ready to go, Harry asked the man, "What is this place?".

The man replied, "This is Heaven".

Harry was confused and asked, "Well I went to another place and they also called themselves Heaven."

The man replied, "Oh, that fancy place with the big white gate? That's hell."

Harry said, "I a sure you are upset with those people using your name."

The man said, "No, in fact we are pleased that they weed out the people who leave their best friends behind."

Phantom

Dana and Ted's granddaughter, Alice had come to stay with them for the summer vacations, and they decided to take the kid out for dinner. The pizzeria where they went, had movie memorabilia plastered on all the walls.

Ted was in the queue to order their pizza, and when he returned, he saw little Alice staring at a poster of Phantom standing in a phone booth. Seeing a puzzled expression on Alice's face, Ted asked Dana, "Doesn't she know who Phantom is?"

"Worse, "Dana replied, "Alice doesn't even know what a phone booth is!"

The old machine

Alex Wagner, a wealthy 82 year old businessman, marries Elie, a 24 year old girl from the country.

A year goes by and Elie delivers a baby. Dr. Johnson comes out of the delivery room and congratulates Alex telling him that his wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy.

The old man says proudly, "The old machine is still up and running!"

A year later, Elie gives birth to another child. Dr. Johnson comes out of the delivery room and congratulates the old man telling him that his wife gave birth to a healthy baby girl. Old Alex says proudly, "The old machine is still up and running!"

Another year goes by and Elie delivers a third baby. Dr. Johnson again greets and congratulates the old businessman for a son that his wife had delivered again. Alex is elated and announces once again, "The old
machine is still up and running!"

The good doctor can't take it any more, so he blurts out, "I know, but I suggest you get the oil changed because this one is black!"

Jovie's wits

David asks his little son Jovie, "Tell me Jovie, whom do you love more, Mom or Dad?"

Jovie had learnt to be diplomatic at an early age. So he replied, "I love you both the same."

David said, "Son, you need to choose between one of us."

Jovie replied, "My answer is BOTH!"

So, David decides to test him further and asks, "Ok, if I go to London and your mother decides to go to Rome, where will you go?"

Jovie says, "I will go to Rome."

David says to his son, "That means you love your mother more than you love me."

Jovie replies, "No. I want to go to Rome because it is more beautiful than London."

David tests his son again, "Fine, if I go to Rome and your mother goes to London, who will you go with?"

Jovie replies, "I will go to London."

David says, "Why? You just said Rome is better."

Jovie chuckles and says,"But I have just visited Rome, right?"

Blondie's troubles

Blondie was at Marvin's Door & Windows showroom having an argument with the salesman.

She said, "Just six months back, I converted into a green home by replacing all my windows with those pricey energy efficient ones that you convinced me to take. And now, I receive a notice from you that I have not paid for the windows!!"

The salesman said, "That's absolutely right, mam."

Blondie said, "Do you think I am stupid? Didn't you claim that the windows would pay for themselves in 6 months."

You need proof!

Ronnie goes to his lawyer, Mr. Shark and complains, "My neighbor Bonnie owes me $300 but does not intend to return it. Is there something I can do to recover it?"

Mr. Shark asks Ronnie, "Do you have any proof of the transaction?"

"No", replies Ronnie.

Mr. Shark advises, "Well then, write a mail to Bonnie asking him for the $600 he owes you."

Ronnie says, "But he owes me only $300!"

Mr. Shark replies, "I know. That's what he will write back to you and that will give us the evidence we need."

Bubba's call

Bubba calls Dr. Sobers in the middle of the night and says, "Dr. Sobers, the missus is experiencing severe pain in the stomach. Think it's her appendix."

Doctor Sobers, obviously upset for being disturbed at 1 am, growls, "What the hell are you talking? I removed your wife's appendix just a year back! Get off the phone

and let me sleep!"

After about 10 minutes, Bubba calls again and says, "Dr Sobers, I am mighty sure it's her appendix."

Dr. Sobers yells, "Good lord, have I not told you already I removed her appendix. Do you know of anyone having a second appendix?"

Bubba replies, "No. I have not. But I can bet you know of someone having a second wife!!"

Love in the modern times

Madonna says to her father, "Daddy, I am head over heals in love with a guy, but he is so far away from me. I am in the US, he lives in India. We found each other on a dating site, got to be friends on Fb, chatted in Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Google Hangouts and we built our relationship on Snapchat. Daddy dear, please don't preach. Just need your love and support."

Madonna's dad says, "That's something! Why don't you marry on Twitter, have a good time on Tango, purchase your kids on Amazon and send them through Paypal.  And if your husband is giving you a tough time, sell him on Ebay."
            

Worn out!

The elderly Mrs. Caroll walked into Dr. O Brien's clinic.

Dr. O Brien, a renowned gynac, asked Mrs. Caroll to lie down for a check up.

The good doctor switched on his goose-neck lamp and was having trouble holding the lamp in one place to be able to see properly.

Dr O Brien commented to the nurse, "It seems to have worn out."

Mrs. Caroll sat up and exclaimed, "I am 77. What do you expect, doc?"