In the mirror

Joshina asks her husband Derek for money, so she can go and buy groceries from the local store.

She asks for 50 dollars but Derek tells her, "You out of your mind?". He then pulls her to the mirror, and says,"I'll show you something. This 50-dollar bill is mine and the one you see in the mirror is yours. Am I clear?"

Joshina says nothing and goes out. 

That evening, Derek finds the kitchen full of groceries. Angered, he demands from his wife where did it all come from. 

Joshina beckons him to the mirror & pulls her skirt up. She says, "The one in the mirror is yours. This one is for the grocer."

Short funny jokes-Kiss goodbye

There was this Swede whose name was Swenson. Swenson took his fat wife everywhere he went. You know why? That's because he wouldn’t have to kiss her goodbye.

Look good!

Robert was shaving his beard when he finds his wife Laila walk into the bathroom and she starts shaving below her waist.

Robert says, "Appraisal meeting with top boss today for promotion. Need to look nice and clean."

Laila says from the other end of the bathroom, "Same here."

Dream

My grandson Jim found a penny in the grass and proudly displayed it to me.

"What good is it?" I said, "You cant buy anything with it."

"Yes you can," Jim replied promptly. "You can buy a dream in a wishing well."

The phases of a Project

I learnt at my workplace that every project goes through the following phases.

• Enthusiasm
• Disillusionment
• Panic
• Search for the guilty
• Punishment of the innocent
• Praise and honors for the non-participants.

Beautiful garden

A parson is congratulating a parishioner on his success at transforming an abandoned plot of land into a beautiful garden. ‘It’s wonderful what man can achieve with the help of the Almighty,’ says the parson. 

‘Yes,’ replies the parishioner. ‘Mind you, you should have seen the state it was in when He had it all to Himself.’

Really funny jokes-New sport

Tom: My wife suggested that I take up a new sport this summer.

Harry: Well, that's nice. It shows that she has your interests at heart. Did she make any suggestions?

Tom: As a matter of fact, she did. By the way, how do you play this Russian Roulette?

Profile pic

A mother says to her teenaged daughter, "Hey, where are you going all dolled up?"

The teenaged daughter replies, "To the washroom. Need to upload a new FB profile pic."

Sportsman spirit

During the game of cricket, Coach Rogers called aside little Dave and asked him, "Tell me Dave, you you understand the words co-operation and teamwork?"

Dave nodded in the affirmative.

The coach asked again, "Do you agree that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?'

Dave nodded in agreement.

Coach Rogers continued, "Then I am sure you would agree that when a batsman is given out, he shouldn't shout at or argue with the umpire, or call him names. Do you agree to that?"

Little Dave nodded in the affirmative again.

Coach Rogers went on, "And when I take you out of the game so another kid gets a chance to play too, it's not good sportsman-spirit to call your coach "a moron or

lunatic" is it?'

Dave shook his head 'No'.

"Good", said coach Rogers, "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!"

Second coming

Nikita went into confession and declared, "I'm pregnant."

The priest asked, "How did you get pregnant, my child?"

Nikita answered, "It must have been the second coming."

The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?"

Nikita replied, "Because I swallowed the first one..."

Hilarious jokes-Perfect opening

Tommy applied for a job with the Chinalink building society. He meticulously completed the application form and handed it over to the Officer-in-charge, who studied it and when he had finished said "With your credentials, I have the perfect opening for you."

"Great!" Tommy replied.

"It’s called the door" the Officer-in-charge said sternly "Now get out".

Cool it with Beer

Once Dean and Martin came to Martin’s house and heard some noises in Martin’s bedroom upstairs. Surprised and alert, they crept up and peeked inside the bedroom carefully from the gap in the door. They found his milkman in bed with Martin’s wife. They went down silently and into the kitchen.

Martin was shaking with rage. He jerked open the fridge, grabbed two bottles of chilled beer and handed one over to Dean. Both had a couple of sweeps in silence. Dean understood Martin’s rage and said: “Sorry about that, but what about that milkman?”

Martin: “What about him? He can get his own damn beer.”

Hilarious advertising Goof Ups

Advertising Goof Ups

Girl wanted to assist a magician in cutting off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.


Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Really funny jokes-Simple exercises for Keyboard jockeys

Some tips for people who hate to exercise.

For those keyboard jockeys (those with jobs that require sitting at a computer all day) who don't want to spend the money for those fancy exercise machines, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. Three days a week is best.

Begin by standing (in your cubicle works well) with a five pound potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

After a few weeks, move up to ten pound potato sacks and then fifty pound potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a one hundred pound potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Next, start putting a few potatoes in the sacks.