One line jokes-Lazy

My friend Jack is really lazy - he’s the only one I know who has installed a smoke alarm with a snooze function.

Funny jokes-Strange name

Naomi took her child into a Child care hospital for a routine check-up with a pediatrician. On the records, the nurse noticed that the child's first name was Urine (pronounced Urin-ie). Not wanting to be rude, but curious to know why this woman had given her child such a weird name, the nurse asked the mother how Urine got her name.

Naomi explained, "Well, my baby was born prematurely and had to stay in the special nursery. She was very sick and they were not sure if she would survive. I couldn't decide what name to give her, but the nurses said they would pray for her. One day I came in and the nurses had already named her. There was this paper on her incubator that said 'Please save Urine', so I knew what they had named my baby."

Funny jokes-Adventures in sky diving

Amy was interested in learning how to sky dive. She approached an instructor and started her training. The instructor asked her to jump out of the plane and pull her rip cord. He then told her that he would himself jump right behind her so that they would sail down together.

Amy said she was ready to jump. The instructor reminded her that he would be right behind her. Amy jumped from the plane, and after being airborne for a while, pulled the rip cord. The instructor jumped after her. He pulled his rip cord but there was some snag and the parachute did not open. The instructor, furiously tried to open his parachute and while trying to do so, rushed past Amy. Amy seeing this, undid the straps to her parachute and shouted, "So you are in the mood to race, huh?"

Really funny jokes-Undeclared landing

In a very high-security zone of the Air Force, a Cessna suddenly arrived undeclared. The Air Force personnel, surprised by its arrival, wasted no time in impounding the aircraft and taking the pilot into custody.

When questioned in the interrogation room, the pilot replied that he took off from Vegas, lost his way, and spotted the Air Force Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force did a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him in custody for the night while the investigation was on.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot was not a spy and had really lost his way. They refueled his airplane, gave him a detailed briefing, warning him to remember that he had never seen the secret Air Force base and that there would be terrible consequences if he ever spoke about the secret base to anyone. He was then allowed to take off.

The next day, to their total disbelief, the Air Force personnel see the same Cessna land there once again. The plane is immediately surrounded by the Military guards but this time, they notice there are 2 people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do whatever you want to do to me, my wife has come with me, just tell her where I was last night!"

Twitter joke

Gary gets into a cab.

Cab Driver: Guess you are in town for the Twitter convention?

Gary. You are right. I could learn so much.

Cab Driver: Any pointers you would like to share?

Gary: Yes, follow That_Car.

Short funny jokes-Liposuction

Q. What did the patient say to the irritating doctor during her Liposuction surgery?

A. Doctor, you are really beginning to get under my skin!!

Funny jokes-Bank Manager's dilemma

A Harley rider and his girlfriend go to a bank for a loan to purchase a home for themselves. They turn up in tight leather pants, both have long hair, tattoos, wear bandanas and dark shades.

The bank manager is in a bit of a fix and cannot understand which one is male and which one's female. Not sure how to convey his dilemma, he finally asks, "Ok, which one of you has the menstrual cycle?"

The biker replied,"Must be her, I ride a Harley."

Types of milk

Joe was visiting the country with his father. His father owned a farm house with some cows in it.

Joe asks his father, "Hey dad, can you tell me what are the types of milk available.

His father replied, "Hmmm...there is evaporated milk, malted milk, buttermilk, pasteurized milk, partly skimmed milk etc.....why do you wanna know?"

Joe replies, "It's just that I am drawing a picture of a cow, and I want to know how many spigots to put on her."

Funny jokes-Act your age

A lady is running out of luck at the roulette table in a casino. She is left with only $500 and is absolutely desperate. She cries out, "This is the heights of bad luck! What in heaven's name should I do now?"

A gentleman standing next to her, tries to console her and says, "Why don't you just play your age?"

He goes away but in a short while, he hears some commotion and walks back to the roulette table. He is surprised to see the lady lying unconscious on the floor, while a crowd had gathered around her.

He asks the operator, "What happened to her? Is she ok?"

The operator replies, "I have no idea sir, she put all her money on 28. When 37 showed up, she just fainted!"

Butcher pun

A boy goes to a butcher shop and tells the butcher, "Can you please give me the ones from the top shelf".

The butcher replies, "I am sorry, the steaks are too high."

Eating a frog

An economist and an accountant are taking a stroll in the countryside and they come across a pond. They find a frog sitting at the edge of the pond. The economist says to the accountant, "I challenge you to eat that frog. If you do, I'll give you $10,000!"

The accountant thinks about his funds and concludes he could do with some extra money, so he grabs the frog, eats it and collects the money.

A week later, they pass by the same pond, and again they notice a frog. This time the accountant challenges the economist, saying, "Eat that frog and you'll get $10,000."

After assessing the situation, the economist decides to go ahead. So he eats the frog and collects the money.

They are on their way, when the accountant says, "To think about it, we both have the same amount of money as we had before, but we both ate the frogs. How are we any better off?"

The economist replied, "What you say is true but you ignored the fact that we have been just involved in trade of $40,000."

Hilarious jokes-The considerate Sergeant

Sergeant Davis was conducting a drill one morning when he was given a letter. After reading the letter, he yelled, "Private Thompson...Stand up!....You mother is DEAD!"

Private Thompson broke down on hearing the news and passed out.

Sergeant Wilson, who witnessed the little incident, said to Sergeant Davis, "Had you broken the news to him softly, he wouldn't have been so upset."

After a few months, Sergeant Davis was running another drill, when he received a letter again, stating that Private Thompson's father had expired. Sergeant Davis, determined to be more considerate this time, shouted, "Everyone whose father is still alive, take one step forward."

They did as told.

Then Sergeant Davis shouted, "PRIVATE THOMPSON...WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"

One line jokes-Conduct

Lightning occasionally shocks people as it just does not understand how to conduct itself.

Geographical explanation

Many people do not understand how we ran out of oil here in the United States.

The answer's quite simple - nobody bothered to check the oil. Didn't know we were falling short.

And most importantly, there is a geographical explanation to it. While all the oil is in Texas, Oklahoma, Louisiana, Arkansas, Colorado and Alaska, all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.