Really funny jokes-Twitter addict

Twitter addict receives phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says:
“I have some good news and some bad news.”
Twitter addict:
“OK, give me the good news first.”
The doctor says:
“The good news is, you’ve got only 24 more hours to live.”
Twitter addict:
“Oh no! If that’s the good news, then what’s the bad news?”
The doctor says:
“The bad news is, Twitter is down.”

Hilarious jokes-Scottish husband

Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play.

"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"

The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!"

The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

Really funny jokes-Hit with a maple leaf

A little old man was escorted into the witness box. He was sworn in and asked by the lawyer to explain what happened. After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to the incident he finally got around to the meat of the case: ‘And then she hit me with a maple leaf.’

‘A maple leaf? Surely that couldn’t have caused you any serious injury,’ said the lawyer.

‘Are you kidding?’ exclaimed the old man. ‘It was the leaf from the centre of our dining room table.’

One line jokes-Dumber

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them.

Short funny jokes-Hippie

How do you get a hippie out of the bath?

Turn on the water.

Hilarious jokes-Scarecrow

A husband and wife are standing at the window admiring their garden.

‘Sooner or later you’re going to have to make a proper scarecrow to keep the birds off the flower beds,’ says the wife.

‘What’s wrong with the one we’ve got?’ asks the husband.

‘Nothing, replies the wife. ‘But Mother’s arms are getting tired.’

Funny jokes-Angry Indian

A man traveling through Arizona stops at a small town and goes into a bar. He stands at the end of the bar and lights up a cigar. As he sips his drink, he stands there quietly blowing smoke rings.

After he’s blown nine or ten smoke rings, an angry Indian comes up to him and says, ‘Listen, buddy, if you don’t stop calling me names, I’ll smash your face in!’

Really funny jokes-Transformation

An old lady is polishing a lamp when a genie suddenly appears and offers her three wishes.

‘I’d like to be young and beautiful again,’ says the old lady. ‘I’d like this cottage to be a fine mansion, and I’d like my cat, Whiskers, to be a handsome prince.’ The genie grants these wishes and the old lady, the cottage and Whiskers are all transformed. The beautiful young woman swoons into the handsome prince’s arms and he gently whispers in her ear, ‘Now I bet you wish you hadn’t taken me to the vet for that little operation.’

Clean jokes-Betting on Horses

‘Betting on horses is a funny old game,’ says a man to his friend. ‘You win one day and lose the next.’

The friend replies, ‘So why not bet every other day?’

Good jokes-Crystal ball

A woman comes home from psychic fair with a crystal ball she’s just bought.

‘How much was that?’ asks her husband.

‘Thirty pounds,’ answers the woman.

‘Thirty!’ says the husband. ‘They must have seen you coming.’

Hilarious jokes-Achievement

Judge to the accused: “You have been accused of imprisoning, threatening, intimidating and treating your wife as your slave. Is it true?”

Accused: “Your honor......I,..I......”

Judge: “I don’t want any explanations. Just tell me how you achieved this feat.”

Short funny jokes-Batman under roller

Tommy: “What happens if Batman is rolled under a steam roller?”

Sunny: “You get a Flat man.”

Really good stuff-Make Life simpler

Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler

* Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

* Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

* Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

*Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

*No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

* Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

* Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Funny jokes-What's in a name

James was walking down the street when he met a small boy. James asked his name.

The lad replied, "Six and seven-eighths."

James looked puzzled and asked him why his parents had given him such a strange name, and the youngster replied, "Oh, they just picked it out of a hat."