Funny jokes-New Year resolution

New Year resolution

2005: I will get my weight down below 180.
2006: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2007: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2008: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2009: I will work out 5 days a week.
2010: I will work out 3 days a week.
2011: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

Economy jokes-Back to Mexico

"The economy is still hurting. Thirty percent of Americans are so disillusioned, they are thinking of moving back to Mexico."
- Jay Leno

Really funny jokes-Henpecked Husbands

Henpecked Husbands

* He comes right out and says what she tells him to Think.

* She does not have to raise the roof, all she has to do is raise an eyebrow.

* He always has the last word - he says, "I'm sorry".

* He was a man about town; she has turned him into a mouse around the house.

* The last big decision she let him make was whether to wash or to dry.

* He was a dude before marriage - now he is Subdued.

* He goes to a woman dentist - it's a relief to be told to open his mouth instead of to shut it.

Short funny jokes-In labor

Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A. So what’s your question?

Hilarious jokes-Ways to tell someone their fly is open

Ways to tell someone their fly is open.

11. I can see the gun of Navarone.

10. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

9. You've got Windows on your laptop.

8. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

7. Your soldier aint so unknown now.

6. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

5. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

4. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

3. Dr. Kimble has escaped!

2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

1. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.

One line jokes-Down under

Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

Christmas jokes-Bald

What's your dad getting for Christmas?

Bald and fat.

Really funny jokes-Training for Women

Women think they already know everything, but wait… training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears – The Last Resort, not the First

8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

20. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You've Worn Before

Christmas jokes-A drunk's night

A Drunk’s Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
There were bottles of booze left around by some louse.
When through the North window there came a loud yell
I sprang to my feet to see what the hell…

And what to my bloodshot eyes should I see,
But eight drunken reindeer caught up in a tree.
And there in the branches, was a man with a sleigh.
I knew it was Santa, quite tiddley and gay.

Staggering nearer those eight reindeer came,
While he belched and hiccoughed and called them by name
“On Whiskey! On Vodka! we ain’t got all night,
You too, Gin and Brandy, now all do it right!

Clamber up on the roof, and get off this wall,
Get going you rummies, we’ve still got a long haul!”
So up on the roof went the reindeer and sleigh,
But a tree branch hit Santa before he could sway.

And then to my ears like the roll of a barrel,
A hell of a noise that was no Christmas carol.
So I pulled in my head and I cocked a sharp ear,
Down the chimney he plunged, landing smack on his rear.

He was both plump and chubby, and tried to stand right,
But he didn’t fool me, he was high as a kite.
He spoke not a word but went straight to work
And missed half the stockings, the drunken old jerk.

Then putting his thumb to the end of his nose,
He fluttered his fingers as he quoted prose.
As he sprung for his sleigh at so hasty a pace,
He tripped on a shingle and he slid on his face.

But I heard him call back as he passed out of sight,
“Merry Christmas, you lushes, now really get tight!”

Political jokes-Obama and Bush

“Rush Limbaugh said that Obama never would have tracked down bin Laden if it weren’t for George W. Bush’s policies. Although in fairness, Obama never would have even been elected if it weren’t for George W. Bush’s policies.”
–Jimmy Fallon

Really funny jokes-Two sides to a movie

On many U.S. Navy ships the movie screen is suspended amid-ship so that it can be viewed from both sides. This procedure makes it available to larger crowds at popular movies, but usually the junior officers get a reverse image from "the wrong side of the screen."

One evening at dinnertime an enterprising young ensign passed the following word over the officer's IMC circuit: "The movie to be shown in the wardroom tonight for the senior officers is on the right side of the screen - The Right-Handed Gun, starring Paul Newman."

"For the junior officers on the wrong side of the screen - The Left-Handed Gun, starring Namwen Luap."

Football jokes-Tornado

Q: Where do you go in Philadelphia in case of a tornado?

A: To the Linc - they never have a touchdown there!

Christmas jokes-Little angel

One Christmas, a long time ago, Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip; but there were problems ...... everywhere.

Four of his elves were away sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones. So, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then, Mrs. Claus popped in to tell Santa that her mother was coming to stay for Christmas; which stressed him even more.

After a while, he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and run away, heaven knows where to.

Then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards broke and several large toy-bags fell to the ground, scattering their contents all over the place. Needless to say, Santa was not in the best of moods.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang and he went to the door expecting another problem. But when he opened it, there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree that she had brought especially to cheer him up.

The angel greeted him very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa Claus. Isn't it just a wonderful day? I have a beautiful tree for you. See, isn't it just the loveliest Christmas tree you've ever seen? Where would you like me to put it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Obama jokes-Taxpayer

"President Barack Obama told his Cabinet yesterday to insure that every taxpayer dollar is spent wisely. But there was one embarrassing moment when he had to explain to the Cabinet what a taxpayer was.”
–Jay Leno