Animal jokes-Drink in cafe

Three animals were having a drink in a cafe, when the owner asked for the money.
"I'm not paying," said the duck. "I've only got one bill and I'm not breaking it."
"I've spent my last buck," said the deer.
"Then the duck'll have to pay," said the skunk.
"Getting here cost me my last scent."

Short funny jokes-Bald teacher

What do you call an English teacher, five feet tall, covered from head to toe in boils and totally bald?

Sir!

Really funny jokes-True Believers

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.


One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

One line jokes-Going insane

I have always been crazy, but it kept me from going insane.

Really funny jokes-Persevere!

A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch. He opened a letter he’d just received that morning from his mom. As he opened it a twenty-dollar bill fell out. He thought to himself, Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now.

As he finished his meal, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE!

So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The man picked it up and read the message and smiled.

The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills.

Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for.

The man replied, “This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one.”*

Funny jokes-You might be a Lawyer if

You Might Be a Lawyer if...

you are charging someone for reading these jokes.
you believe that a forty words' sentence is a short one.
you have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.
you can look at a contract and instantly tell whether it's verbal or written.
your other car is a BMW.
when you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.
when your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.

Doctor jokes-Frustrating

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and when he examines you he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."

Really funny jokes-Timbuktu

A group of Texas A&M Aggies and a group of Harvard students had been deadlocked in a spelling bee for an entire week. At the end of the contest the score was tied and the judges had a dilemma. They told the contestants that each group was to quickly come up with a poem using the word 'Timbuktu.'

Well the Aggiess started laughing the minute the word was uttered but Harvard just smiled and prepared their short rhyme. One Harvard student stood up and for his group recited
'Through the desert all night
we ride on camels
walking two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.'

Well the crowd politely applauded - they knew the Aggies couldn't beat that and the Aggies just continued laughing throughout the whole process. One Aggie stopped giggling long enough to stand and read the team's effort. He said,
'Tim and I,
a hunting went,
we came upon three women in a tent.
Since they were three and we were two,
I buk one and Timbuktu!'

Funny jokes-Bald problem

Two pals, Jo & Rob are enjoying beer at a pub.

Jo says, "I am sick of being bald."

Rob suggests, "Why don't you get hair transplant."

Jo replies, "I can't afford it dude!"

Rob says, "Well, you can get some rabbits tattooed on his head."

Jo asks him, "How will that help?"

Rob replies jokingly, "Well, from a distance they will look like hares (hairs)"

Really funny jokes-Just a drill!

Nicholas and Brenda had been married long. They had a luxurious fishing boat which they often used together, but it was Nicholas who was always behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen if there was an emergency.

So one day out on the lake, Nicholas suddenly announced to Brenda, "Ok sweetheart, this is an emergency drill. Pretend that I am having a cardiac arrest. You must get the boat safely to shore."

Brenda was initially taken aback, but she soon composed herself and managed to safely drive the boat to shore.

Later that evening, Brenda walked into the living room where Nicholas was watching tv. She sat down next to him, snatched the remote control, switched the channel, and said to him,"OK sweetheart, this is a drill. Pretend I'm having a cardiac arrest. You must set the table, cook dinner, and wash the dishes."

Kids jokes-Sheep jumping over fence

Mrs. Smith, the maths teacher, gave the class a problem to solve.

She asked the first graders, "If I had ten sheep and five of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?"

"None," answered little Tommy.

Mrs. Smith glared at Tommy and said, "None? Tommy, what's wrong with your arithmetic?"

Tommy answered, "Mrs. Smith, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!"

Short jokes-Gas

Tom : I bet you can't name a word of 10 letters that starts with g-a-s?

Jerry: That's easy - it's an Automobile.

Really funny jokes-Melrose Place TV series Rules

Melrose Place TV series Rules

1. If your "significant other" leaves town for more than a week, sleep with whomever you want. After all, you can't be expected to wait around forever.

2. Never sleep with your boss or coworker. Just kidding. You should do both, often.

3. A good way to unwind after a hard day at the office is to build a fire, curl up with a good book, and rapidly drink seven large glasses of straight vodka.

4. Every once in a while, just go ahead and slap somebody in the face, really hard.

5. Pretend you're pregnant.

6. Feeling a little insecure? Buy a gun!

7. If marriage isn't working, consider a divorce. If divorce isn't convenient, fake your own death.

8. Don't walk too fast when feigning blindness.

9. Never base a relationship on lies and deceit. Just kidding! Dishonesty should be an integral part of any relationship.

10. When you leave someone to die of carbon monoxide poisoning, be sure to shut the door tightly on your way out.

11. Don't date drug dealers...unless they're really good-looking... or have a lot of money...or unless you can gain something from it in some way...or...oh hell, go ahead and date drug dealers.

12. Don't get too close to people in comas. Sometimes they wake up and try to choke you.

13. If you get fired, get drunk.

14. Call your ex-wife "Baby."

15. If you've got to fix your Harley, you might as well take off your shirt and do it by the pool.

16. Randomly insult the people around you.

17. Parents will be parents. Sometimes they'll nag. Sometimes they'll be judgmental. Sometimes they'll commit you to a miserable insane asylum where you'll be bound in a straightjacket and heavily sedated.

18. If you lose your job, wait a few minutes and you'll get an even better job at twice the salary.

19. A good way to aggravate your sister is to tell her that Mom liked you best. Another good way is to sleep with her husband a bunch of times.

20. Just because you're in the midst of ruining someone's career doesn't mean that you can't carpool to work with them.

Funny jokes-Charity

Tony had gathered a lot of cash from trick-or-treating, so he headed for candy store to buy some goodies.

"You should donate that money to charity," said the sales girl.

Tony thought for a moment and said, "No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity."