Short funny jokes-Horse in bar

Harry, the horse trots into a pub.

The bartender asks, "So, why the long face?"

Really funny jokes-Principles of Household Physics

10 Principles of Household Physics

You will observe that the principles of household physics are as true as every other principle in the universe. See the below examples:

1. A kid's enthusiasm to help in any project varies in inverse proportion to the capability to actually do the work involved.

2. Leftovers always inflate to fill all available containers plus one.

3. A newly cleaned window gathers dust and dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.

4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is required.

5. The same mess that will fill a one-car garage will also fill a two-car garage.

6. Three children plus two cookies equals a war.

7. The possibility of impending doom is in direct proportion to the number of remote controls divided by the number of viewers.

8. The number of doors not closed varies inversely with the weather and outdoor temperature.

9. The capacity of any water heater equals one and one-half kids showers.

10. If two kids are put in a room full of toys, they will both want to play with the same toy.

Animal jokes-Karate pig

Bitzer: What is the term for a pig that practices karate?

Shaun: A pork chop.

Aviation jokes-Aircraft Identification

Aviation funnies

Tom teaching his friend Bob how to identify aircrafts:

If you find it ugly, it's British.
If you find it, it's French.
If you find it ugly and weird, it's Russian.

Really funny jokes-Oroville

Father Richard was playing golf with a clergyman. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. The cleryman heard him mutter, "Oroville!" under his breath.

On the second hole, the ball went straight into a lateral hazard. "Oroville!" exclaimed Father Richard again, a little louder this time.

On the third hole, Father Richard got lucky and his drive landed on the green only five inches from the hole! He said, "Praise be to God!"

He was careful with his shot, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in.
His reaction was "Oroville!"

By this time, the clergyman was too curious not to ask, so he questioned the priest why he kept saying the word "Oroville".

"It's the largest dam I know." Father Richard replied.

Mrs. Cooper's 101st Birthday

Mary called her old friend, Mrs. Cooper on her 101st birthday to ask how she planned to celebrate her big day.

Mrs. Cooper replied cheerfully, "My children will be coming to stay with me for the weekend."

Mary said, "I am sure you are looking forward to that."

“Of course,” Mrs. Cooper replied, "but it's a lot of work, cleaning and dusting, making up their beds.”

Mary said, “Why don't you let the children do it when they are arrive?"

"Oh no, I couldn't do that,” Mrs. Cooper replied, "they're all in their in their 80s!”

Short funny jokes-Judge to dentist

What did the judge say to the dentist?

"Pull my tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth."

Hilarious jokes-Burger King's left handed whopper

Burger King played a gimmick in the late 90s when it advertized in the leading dailies about a new item on their menu - it was a "Left-Handed Whopper" specially designed for the 10% of the American population that is left-handed. According to the ad, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper - like mayonnaise, lettuce, tomato, pickles, patty, etc. - but all the seasoning were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers.

The next day Burger King issued a follow-up release disclosing that the Left-Handed Whopper was actually a hoax, but thousands of customers had turned up at the Burger King joints to request the new junk food. Not just that, there were many others who requested their own 'right handed' version.

Really funny jokes-Alligator's Teeth

Sandra was holidaying in Thailand when she saw a native wearing a beautiful white necklace.

Admiring it, she asked the Thai, "What is it made of?"

"Crocodile's teeth," the Thai replied.

Sandra said with an air of superiority, "I suppose they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

"Oh no," the native objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

Funny jokes-Who needs Nursing home care

We, the elderly do not want nursing homes anymore. We prefer to check into a Holiday Inn!

What with the average cost for a nursing home care touching $200 per day, we have found a better option when we are old and need to be taken care of.

We've checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, they are offering $73.56 per night. Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.

That leaves us with a host of benefits:

# $126.44 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we like, room service, laundry, TV movies or any other expenses.

# Not just that, they provide a spa, swimming pool, gym, washer-dryer, and other facilities.

# Other than that, we get free toothpaste, shampoo, soap and razors.

# If we give even $5 worth of tips a day, we'll have the entire staff scrambling to help us.

# Best part - they treat us like a customer - not a patient.

# We get a city bus from the bus stop across the street and we seniors ride free.

# If we can fake a limp, that's even better - the handicap bus will pick us up .

# We have a church bus service on Sundays to meet other nice people.

# For a change of scenery, we take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While we're at the airport, we have the option to fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps piling up.

# It would have taken us months to get into a decent nursing home. Holiday Inn will take care of our reservation today.

# Another advantage - we are not stuck at one place forever - we can move from Inn to Inn, or from city to city.

# Want to see exotic places? Holiday Inn is everywhere. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Shower needs fixing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.

# They even have night security and daily room service. The room service checks to see if we are all right. If not, they'll call an ambulance, or the undertaker, as the case may be. If we fall and break a bone, Medicare will pay for the treatment, and Holiday Inn will upgrade us to a suite for the rest of our lives.

# Nothing to worry about visits from family. They will always be glad to find us, and probably check in for a few days of vacationing.

# The grandchildren will be happy to use the pool.

What more could we old folk ask for?

Office jokes-Always bad news

Jenine, a curvy blonde enters into John's cabin and says to her boss, "John, I'm afraid I've bad news for you."

John staring at his secretary's curves, replies, "Sweetheart, why do you always have to give me bad news? Give me some good news for a change."

Jenine replies, "Well, if you insist, the good news is that you are not sterile....."

Short funny jokes-Cement mixer

Little Tommy and Little Johnny are watching constructions workers busy at a construction site close to their house.

Little Tommy says to Little Johnny, "What will you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?"

Little Johnny replies, "A brick-layer!"

Bigger cycle

When I bought my daughter a bigger bicycle, she insisted on parking it next to her small old cycle.
She said, "The big one is the daddy of the small cycle - wait, I have a name for it - Popcycle."

Really funny jokes-Blonde with new boat

Betty, a 28-year-old blonde, fulfilled her dream of owning a boat when she purchased one in the summer. So, one afternoon, she was all set to try out her brand new motorboat. But there was a problem - the motorboat would barely perform. She tried everything, checked the mechanisms again, but the boat failed to function properly.

She tried again the next day and the day after that, but the motorboat would only splutter and strain but not pick up speed. She saw some fishermen and thought of asking them for help. She hoped that they would help identify the problem.

A fisherman called Ted inspected the boat and confirmed that the engine and out drive seemed to be in order. Ted then jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for any problems. What he saw made him laugh so hard, he came up choking and gasping for air. When the other fishermen asked him what was so funny, he replied, "The trailer is still attached to the boat!"