Clean jokes-Within

The Dalai Lama goes to a vendor selling hamburgers and says, "I want one with everything."

The vendor gives him one and says, "Four bucks."

The Dalai Lama hands him a $5 bill, and waits for the vendor to give him the change but the vendor seems to be ignoring him.

The Dalai Lama finally asks, "Where's my change?"

The burger vendor replies, "Change only comes from within."

Funny jokes-Inebriated judge

An inebriated judge returned to court after a long lunch. In the first case, a man is charged with drunk driving who pleaded not guilty. "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.

The judge said, "In that case, you are sentenced to 45 days."

Really funny jokes-Picasso's sketch

Spanish painter Pablo Picasso encountered a thief at work in his mansion. The intruder got away, and when the police was called, Picasso offered to do a rough sketch of what the thief looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a nun, a parliament minister, a refrigerator, and the Eiffel tower.

Just what you wanted to hear

A well-endowed adolescent girl has severe cold and goes to see a doctor for examination.

The doctor who was standing behind the girl, leaned over her shoulder with a stethoscope to his ears and said, "Big breaths".

The young girl, hesitated for a moment, and then replied, "I know, and to think I'm only 13!"

The factory bell

Joe was an American manufacturer of machine parts. He had a prospective customer from Albania visiting him for imports of machinery to his country and Joe was showing him around his factory.

At noon, the lunch bell rang, and eight hundred workers immediately stopped work and left the building.

"Your workers are escaping!" cried the Albanian visitor. "You must stop them."

"They will come back, nothing to worry," said Joe. And indeed, after an hour, the bell rang again, and all the workers returned from their break.

After the orientation, Joe turns to his guest and says, "Would you like to place an order for any of these machines?"

"Forget the machines," says the guest. "How much do you want for that bell?"

Really funny jokes-Economic stimulus package explained

Economic stimulus package explained

Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a drop of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Short funny jokes-Drunk chicken

Tom : What do drunk chicken give?

Jerry: Scotch eggs!

Funny jokes-Plenty of room

We were leaving an Italian restaurant after dinner, when we passed another couple on our way out. The woman was animatedly describing an imported SUV to her husband : "It was so huge that you could hit a family of four, and you wouldn't even notice!"

"Yep," the husband replied, "and there would still be enough room to toss them in the back!"

Short funny jokes-Afford

The economy is so bad, if you go to a McDonald's joint now, the counter person is most likely to ask you, "Can you afford fries with that"?

Lawyer jokes-Marital status

Lawyer: What is your name?
Witness: James Brien
Lawyer: And what is your marital status?
Witness: Fair

Lawyer: Are you married?
Witness:: Nope, I'm divorced.
Lawyer: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
Witness: A lot of things I didn't know about.

Really funny jokes-Disturbed Anthropologist

James, an anthropologist decides to study the natives of a distant tropical island. He goes there, finds a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote location where he would make his collections. The river takes them downstream, and in the eve of the of the second day, they hear the distant sound of drums. Being the nervous types, James is disturbed by the sound of the drums and asks the guide, "What are those drums?"

The guide replies, "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop."

Then, after a few hours, the drums suddenly stop! James is nervous as hell and he shouts at the guide: "Those Drums have stopped, what now?"

The guide bends down, covers his head with his hands and says, "Bass Solo".

Short funny jokes-Check ride

Two pilots are discussing their first check ride. One pilot says to the other - A check ride ought to be like a skirt: Short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover everything.

Funny jokes-The Queen's undergarments

The latest sale on eBay
- a pair of undergarments that once belonged to Queen Elizabeth.

The price
- a little above a hundred thousand dollars.

The winning bidder could not be identified but his user name was "one sick bugger."

Doctor jokes-Change a light bulb

How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant.

Three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now.