Santa: What can drunk chicken give you?
Banta: Scotch eggs!
Really funny jokes, adult jokes, good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, very funny jokes, kids jokes, funny pictures
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Kids jokes-Were you in Noah's ark?
My five-year-old boy, Neel, loves to sit on his grandfather's lap and listen to stories read out to him. One day, after his grandfather had told him the story about Noah's ark, and how Noah led pairs of different animals to the safety of the ark, Neel asked, "Grandpa, you are so old, I am sure you were also in Noah's ark, were you?"
His grandfather replied, "No, my dear".
Neel asked, "In that case, how is it that you survived the flood?"
His grandfather replied, "No, my dear".
Neel asked, "In that case, how is it that you survived the flood?"
Labels:
Clean jokes,
Kids Jokes
Friday, May 25, 2012
Really funny jokes-Double room
Jim, a traveling salesman goes to a hotel late in the night and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk is completing the formalities, Jim looks around and finds a stunning blonde seated in the lobby. He tells the clerk to excuse him for a moment and heads to the lobby. He is back in a minute with the blonde on his arm.
"Fancy banging into my wife here," he tells the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room after all."
Next morning, when Jim comes to settle his bill, he finds the amount to be $4200. "What the hell is this?" he yells at the clerk. "I have been here for just a night!"
"You are right, Sir," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for 4 weeks."
"Fancy banging into my wife here," he tells the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room after all."
Next morning, when Jim comes to settle his bill, he finds the amount to be $4200. "What the hell is this?" he yells at the clerk. "I have been here for just a night!"
"You are right, Sir," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for 4 weeks."
Labels:
Hilarious jokes,
Really Funny Jokes
Hilarious jokes-Civil War
Jany, a blonde tourist, could not resist asking it any more, so she questioned the guide, "Give me a good reason why so many of the famous Civil War battles had to be fought on National Park Sites?"
Labels:
Blonde jokes,
Hilarious jokes
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Funny jokes-Careers defined
So what will your career be - check some definitions.
Who is an accountant?
A person who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
Who is an actuary?
A person who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
Who is an archaeologist?
A person whose career lies in ruins.
Who is an architect?
A person who makes beautiful models, but unaffordable realities.
Who is an architect?
A person who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Who is an accountant?
A person who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
Who is an actuary?
A person who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
Who is an archaeologist?
A person whose career lies in ruins.
Who is an architect?
A person who makes beautiful models, but unaffordable realities.
Who is an architect?
A person who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Labels:
Hilarious jokes,
Office jokes,
Really Funny Jokes
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Hillbilly jokes-Twelve girlfriends
Q: What do you call a hillbilly with 12 girl friends?
A: A shepherd.
A: A shepherd.
Labels:
Good jokes,
Short funny jokes
Really funny jokes-Birth of the computer
How the computer came into being
(written by my friend Steve Jobs)
01. In the beginning there was the Word, and Word had two Bytes and there was nothing else.
02. And God divided the ones from the zeros and saw that it was good.
03. And God said, Let there be data: and there were data.
04. And God said, Let data be gathered together into each own place and he created floppies, hard drives and CD-ROMs.
05. And God said, Let there be computers so there was a place to put hard drives, floppies and CD-ROMs. And God created computers and called them "hardware" and divided "hardware" from "software."
06. But there were no software yet so Lord God corrected himself and created programs big and small and blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill all memory.
07. And God got tired from writing programs and said, Let us make programmer in our image, after our likeness: and let him to have dominion over computers and programs and data. So God created a programmer and put him into his Computing Facility to live and work there. And LORD God brought programmer to the Directory Tree and commanded him, saying, From every directory thou mayest run programs. But from the WINDOWS directory thou shalt not run programs at all: for MUST DIE.
08. And the LORD God said, It is not good that the programmer should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him. And the LORD God took one of programmer's bones which had no brains and created a CUSTOMER; and brought him unto programmer: and programmer called customer a USER. And they were both sitting under pure DOS, and were not ashamed.
09. Now the Bill was more subtle than any beast of the field. And he said unto the user, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not run programs from every directory? And the user said, We may run programs from every directory, but of the WINDOWS directory, God hath said, Ye shall not run programs from it, for MUST DIE. And Bill said to user, Let us argue a taste of oyster with those who ate them! In the day ye run WINDOWS, then ye shall be as gods, for with one click of mouse ye create whatever you want. And when the user saw that WINDOWS was pleasant to the eyes, and a program to be desired for it makes any knowledge unnecessary, and installed it on his computer; and said also unto programmer that it was cool; and programmer installed it too.
0A. And programmer went to look for new drivers, and he heard the voice of the LORD God, asking, Where art thou? And programmer said, Looking for new drivers, for there are no drivers under pure DOS. And the LORD God said, who told thee that thou needth drivers? Hast thou run programs from WINDOWS directory? And programmer said, The user whom thou gavest to be with me, he told me that from now on he wants programs only from WINDOWS directory; and I installed them. And the LORD God said unto the user, What is this that thou hast done? And the user said, The Bill beguiled me, and I did run WINDOWS.
OB. And the LORD God said unto the Bill, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; and I will put enmity between thee and the programmer; for he will curse you and thou will sell WINDOWS to him. OC. Unto the user he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and barren thy wallet; and thou will use buggy programs; and thou will not survive without the programmer, and he shall rule over thee. 0D. And unto programmer he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of the user, cursed are computers for thy sake; bugs and viruses will they bring to thou; in sorrow shalt thou fight them all the days of thy life; in the sweat of thy face shalt thou debug thy code.
0E. Therefore the LORD God sent them forth from his Computer Facility; and he set password on entry.
0F. General protection fault.
(written by my friend Steve Jobs)
01. In the beginning there was the Word, and Word had two Bytes and there was nothing else.
02. And God divided the ones from the zeros and saw that it was good.
03. And God said, Let there be data: and there were data.
04. And God said, Let data be gathered together into each own place and he created floppies, hard drives and CD-ROMs.
05. And God said, Let there be computers so there was a place to put hard drives, floppies and CD-ROMs. And God created computers and called them "hardware" and divided "hardware" from "software."
06. But there were no software yet so Lord God corrected himself and created programs big and small and blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill all memory.
07. And God got tired from writing programs and said, Let us make programmer in our image, after our likeness: and let him to have dominion over computers and programs and data. So God created a programmer and put him into his Computing Facility to live and work there. And LORD God brought programmer to the Directory Tree and commanded him, saying, From every directory thou mayest run programs. But from the WINDOWS directory thou shalt not run programs at all: for MUST DIE.
08. And the LORD God said, It is not good that the programmer should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him. And the LORD God took one of programmer's bones which had no brains and created a CUSTOMER; and brought him unto programmer: and programmer called customer a USER. And they were both sitting under pure DOS, and were not ashamed.
09. Now the Bill was more subtle than any beast of the field. And he said unto the user, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not run programs from every directory? And the user said, We may run programs from every directory, but of the WINDOWS directory, God hath said, Ye shall not run programs from it, for MUST DIE. And Bill said to user, Let us argue a taste of oyster with those who ate them! In the day ye run WINDOWS, then ye shall be as gods, for with one click of mouse ye create whatever you want. And when the user saw that WINDOWS was pleasant to the eyes, and a program to be desired for it makes any knowledge unnecessary, and installed it on his computer; and said also unto programmer that it was cool; and programmer installed it too.
0A. And programmer went to look for new drivers, and he heard the voice of the LORD God, asking, Where art thou? And programmer said, Looking for new drivers, for there are no drivers under pure DOS. And the LORD God said, who told thee that thou needth drivers? Hast thou run programs from WINDOWS directory? And programmer said, The user whom thou gavest to be with me, he told me that from now on he wants programs only from WINDOWS directory; and I installed them. And the LORD God said unto the user, What is this that thou hast done? And the user said, The Bill beguiled me, and I did run WINDOWS.
OB. And the LORD God said unto the Bill, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; and I will put enmity between thee and the programmer; for he will curse you and thou will sell WINDOWS to him. OC. Unto the user he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and barren thy wallet; and thou will use buggy programs; and thou will not survive without the programmer, and he shall rule over thee. 0D. And unto programmer he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of the user, cursed are computers for thy sake; bugs and viruses will they bring to thou; in sorrow shalt thou fight them all the days of thy life; in the sweat of thy face shalt thou debug thy code.
0E. Therefore the LORD God sent them forth from his Computer Facility; and he set password on entry.
0F. General protection fault.
Labels:
Office jokes,
Really Funny Jokes
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Doctor jokes-God
God in the medical profession
Rick, the Intern, thinks of God.
Jim, the resident, prays to God,
Garry, the doctor talks to God, and
Jill, the nurse IS God.
Rick, the Intern, thinks of God.
Jim, the resident, prays to God,
Garry, the doctor talks to God, and
Jill, the nurse IS God.
Labels:
doctor jokes,
One line jokes,
Short funny jokes
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