Funny jokes-Careers defined

So what will your career be - check some definitions.

Who is an accountant?
A person who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Who is an actuary?
A person who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

Who is an archaeologist?
A person whose career lies in ruins.

Who is an architect?
A person who makes beautiful models, but unaffordable realities.

Who is an architect?
A person who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Hillbilly jokes-Twelve girlfriends

Q: What do you call a hillbilly with 12 girl friends?

A: A shepherd.

Really funny jokes-Birth of the computer

How the computer came into being
(written by my friend Steve Jobs)

01. In the beginning there was the Word, and Word had two Bytes and there was nothing else.

02. And God divided the ones from the zeros and saw that it was good.

03. And God said, Let there be data: and there were data.

04. And God said, Let data be gathered together into each own place and he created floppies, hard drives and CD-ROMs.

05. And God said, Let there be computers so there was a place to put hard drives, floppies and CD-ROMs. And God created computers and called them "hardware" and divided "hardware" from "software."

06. But there were no software yet so Lord God corrected himself and created programs big and small and blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill all memory.

07. And God got tired from writing programs and said, Let us make programmer in our image, after our likeness: and let him to have dominion over computers and programs and data. So God created a programmer and put him into his Computing Facility to live and work there. And LORD God brought programmer to the Directory Tree and commanded him, saying, From every directory thou mayest run programs. But from the WINDOWS directory thou shalt not run programs at all: for MUST DIE.

08. And the LORD God said, It is not good that the programmer should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him. And the LORD God took one of programmer's bones which had no brains and created a CUSTOMER; and brought him unto programmer: and programmer called customer a USER. And they were both sitting under pure DOS, and were not ashamed.

09. Now the Bill was more subtle than any beast of the field. And he said unto the user, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not run programs from every directory? And the user said, We may run programs from every directory, but of the WINDOWS directory, God hath said, Ye shall not run programs from it, for MUST DIE. And Bill said to user, Let us argue a taste of oyster with those who ate them! In the day ye run WINDOWS, then ye shall be as gods, for with one click of mouse ye create whatever you want. And when the user saw that WINDOWS was pleasant to the eyes, and a program to be desired for it makes any knowledge unnecessary, and installed it on his computer; and said also unto programmer that it was cool; and programmer installed it too.

0A. And programmer went to look for new drivers, and he heard the voice of the LORD God, asking, Where art thou? And programmer said, Looking for new drivers, for there are no drivers under pure DOS. And the LORD God said, who told thee that thou needth drivers? Hast thou run programs from WINDOWS directory? And programmer said, The user whom thou gavest to be with me, he told me that from now on he wants programs only from WINDOWS directory; and I installed them. And the LORD God said unto the user, What is this that thou hast done? And the user said, The Bill beguiled me, and I did run WINDOWS.

OB. And the LORD God said unto the Bill, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; and I will put enmity between thee and the programmer; for he will curse you and thou will sell WINDOWS to him. OC. Unto the user he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and barren thy wallet; and thou will use buggy programs; and thou will not survive without the programmer, and he shall rule over thee. 0D. And unto programmer he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of the user, cursed are computers for thy sake; bugs and viruses will they bring to thou; in sorrow shalt thou fight them all the days of thy life; in the sweat of thy face shalt thou debug thy code.

0E. Therefore the LORD God sent them forth from his Computer Facility; and he set password on entry.

0F. General protection fault.

Doctor jokes-God

God in the medical profession

Rick, the Intern, thinks of God.
Jim, the resident, prays to God,
Garry, the doctor talks to God, and
Jill, the nurse IS God.

Funny jokes-Directions on prescription bottle

John, the pharmacist was helping an aged patient in going through the directions on a prescription bottle.

John said, "Please be sure not to take this more often than every 3 hours."

"Oh, don't worry about that," replies the aged patient. "It anyways takes 3 hours for me to get the lid off".

Really funny jokes-No cream

The French philosopher Jules Henri Poincaré was relaxing in a cafe when he a waitress approached him and asked, "Can I get you something, Monsieur Poincaré?"

Poincaré replied, "Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream".

The waitress returned after a few minutes and said, "I'm sorry, Monsieur Poincaré, we are all out of cream - how about with no milk?"

Hunting blues

Two Harley Davidson riders, Nick and Joey, were riding through the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a divider in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT".

So they shrugged and went back home.

Funny jokes-No kidding

I met a girl called Josie who told me about her exploits with the best athletes in college. When I said "no kidding", she thought I was talking about some kind of birth control.

More Oxymorons

A few more OXYMORONS for you to enjoy

**Sweet sorrow
**"Now, then..."
**Synthetic natural gas
**Peace force
**Temporary tax increase
**Computer security
**Plastic glasses
**Terribly pleased
**Political science
**Definite maybe

Adult jokes-Still premature!

David had been suffering from premature ejaculation for years and his wife coaxed him to finally go to a hospital for treatment. David got admitted and underwent an operation.

His wife rang up the hospital to find out if the operation was a success, and the doctor informed her, "I'm sorry but it's still touch and go!"

Really funny stuff-Some oxymorons

Oxymorons are figures of speech combining contradictory terms.

Some TOP OXYMORONS for you to reflect on. Take a pick of your favorite ones...

**Military Intelligence
**Resident alien
**Advanced BASIC
**Genuine imitation
**Same difference
**Almost exactly
**Business ethics
**Twelve-ounce poundcake
**New classic
**Passive aggression

Really funny jokes-Do not disturb

A hillbilly named Billy Bob checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. After a few minutes, he calls the desk and say, "My room does not have any exit. How do I get out?"

The reception clerk replied, "Sir, that's ridiculous. Have you looked for the door?"

Billy Bob says, "Well, there is one door to the bathroom. There's a second door to the closet. And there's another door which I have not tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."

Short funny jokes-Rooster and TV

Q. Why did the rooster switch on the TV?

A. Just for some hentertainment!

Funny jokes-Stock market turnaround

Jack: The Stock market did an incredible turnaround yesterday.

Sam: Really?

Jack: Yep. A stock broker who jumped out of the window of his sixteenth floor office, saw a computer monitor on the eleventh floor and did a U-turn.